Ramen Doodles
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Omakes, story snippets, and random ideas for stories collected into one neat volume. Enjoy.
1. New Intros 1

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

For this first chapter, here are some snippets I wrote for the "New Intros" thread-Essentially, Naruto and co. are stuck in a Groundhog's Day type time loop, and do their introductions over and over again. Beware of multiple crossovers and a few references to other fics I've written.

* * *

"Hello, my name is Uzumaki Naruto," the blonde ninja said, wearing a strange kind of smile. Kakashi wasn't quite sure what to make of the boy. Since the beginning of the meeting he'd been kind of reserved, nothing like the loudmouth frequently seen tearing through the streets.

And that weapon of his... A giant _key?_

"I like ramen, all of my friends, blowing stuff up and flying," Naruto continued. He glowered at Sasuke. "I dislike arrogant assholes who take off on their own and don't accept _help_, even from their _friends_..."

Sasuke glared back in partial confusion.

"Selfish people, lazy people who can't let go of the past, megalomaniacs, and people who just can't accept that they can be themselves and that's just _fine_," Naruto continued, gaze sliding to Sakura. The pink haired girl blushed despite herself and glared back indignantly. Naruto sighed, and then smiled again, tapping his weapon on the ground.

"My hobbies...? Flying, training, gardening, and generally making an ass of myself while having fun. And my goals...?"

Naruto looked Kakashi right in the eyes, and Kakashi frowned beneath his mask, unsure of the strange depth within. As though Naruto was _looking right inside of him..._

"Save the universe... Save my friends... And have a place to go back home to."

* * *

"Hey! I'm Doctor Naruto Uzumaki! Feel free to call me Doctor Uzumaki though," the blonde in the black jumpsuit stated, grinning and handing out business cards to the rest of his dumbfounded team.

"I like blowing stuff up, making money, women and never buying on margin. Good investment tip, by the way," Naruto added. "My hobbies include psychology, parapsychology, paranormal investigation and elimination, research, blowing stuff up, learning _new_ ways to blow stuff up, and of course business... Though that's not so much a hobby as a basic necessity," Naruto went on.

"My goals are to build myself a Ghostbusting franchise, though I'll do some therapy on the side... Lord knows that's a fertile market around here... Become rich, have a harem, have loads of children with loving wives, and save the world. Good for business."

Naruto turned and smirked at the gawking Sasuke. "Beat _that_, emo boy!"

* * *

"Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I-MMPH?!!"

Kakashi felt like dropping his book. Sakura's jaw dropped and eyes bugged out. Even Sasuke looked shocked.

Yamanaka Ino, dressed in a strange yet sexy blue outfit with a broad-brimmed, yellow pointed hat was kissing the hell out of Naruto. She let the bright red and stunned blonde go, and grinned wickedly at the rest of Team 7.

"Hello, I'm Yamanaka Ino. I like Naruto-kun, magic, sex with Naruto-kun, blowing things up, and did I mention sex with Naruto-kun?" With this the witch Ino turned and glared at Sasuke and Sakura.

"I _do not like_ small dicked, cold-hearted, arrogant bastards who make me waste my time chasing after them, _or_ backstabbing former best friends who become my rival over said small dicked, cold-hearted, arrogant bastard. I'm not too fond of _you_ either, lech," Ino snarled, pointing her staff at Kakashi. A flash of light and standing where Kakashi had sat was a very confused-looking dog with gray fur, a mask, and a miniature forehead protector over his eye.

Ino grinned.

"As for hobbies... Magic, flower arrangement, and sex with Naruto-kun," she announced. "Finally! My goals are, for the next ten hours, to have non-stop sex with Naruto-kun. Toodles!"

With that, Ino cackled, yanked the very shocked Naruto onto her staff, and flew off. Sasuke and Sakura just stared after her, in utter disbelief at what had happened.

Kakashi, in the meantime, was discovering the joys of being able to lick his privates. If only he could read Icha Icha Paradise at the same time!

* * *

"Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto..."

"Hi, Naruto," assorted other people in the room said.

"And I have been fucked over by my creator," he sighed.

"We feel your pain, Naruto," Neo of _The Matrix_ sighed.

* * *

"Hi! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm running for Hokage this fall, so please, be sure to vote for me! Remember, a vote for Uzumaki is a vote for ramen, kickass ninja battles, and lowered income tax!" Naruto cheerfully stated, handing out campaign buttons to all of Team 7. Naruto stopped in front of Sasuke, smoothed down his nice suit and smiled cheerfully at the scowling Uchiha.

"I guarantee, under my administration you will get all the training and support you need to destroy your brother, blacken his name and restore your clan to it's former glory!" Naruto stated. Sasuke looked interested, though guarded.

"Really?"

"Yes, really! I was thinking we start out with a negative publicity crusade first-Put all of Itachi's dirty, humiliating secrets out in public, via the radio, TV, newspapers-You name it! We'll make him a laughingstock!"

"And then...?" Sasuke prompted. Naruto shrugged.

"We'll get you trained up enough to kick his ass, and then you'll have the choice of killing him, or just humiliating him in some manner that will render him utterly broken and in complete awe of your power over him!"

Sakura and Kakashi just gaped as Sasuke actually _smiled_.

"You've got my vote," Sasuke promised. Naruto grinned.

"_Excellent!_"

"So, uh... Naruto...? Do you need a... A campaign manager?" Sakura asked with a cough. Naruto sure had changed since the last time she'd seen him-He'd gotten Sasuke to _smile_. That just sealed the deal-She had to support him, because if Sasuke supported him then she sure as hell would!

"Actually Sakura, I already have one! But thanks for offering, we'll try to find you some kind of job, isn't that right Tenten?"

Kakashi jumped as said bunned girl, in a smart pantsuit, seemed to appear out of thin air behind him. In her sensible heels she walked across the roof to Sakura, handing her a brochure.

"The Uzumaki campaign has several possible openings for a kunoichi of your intelligence," Tenten said brightly. "Organizer, pollster, intern..."

"Kakashi-sensei! I could definitely use the support of a famous and talented jounin," Naruto offered with that winning smile. Kakashi coughed.

"Well... Uh..."

"I am going to see if I can drop the tariff placed on Icha Icha Paradise, and lower business taxation to make it more attractive to print it here..." Naruto said.

Kakashi knew bait when he saw it... But this _was_ Icha Icha Paradise they were talking about here.

"I'm sold."

* * *

"Well, who wants to go first?"

Naruto sighed heavily, and stood up, adjusting the crumpled fedora on his head.

"Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto," he said dully. "I like Hinata, anthropology, ramen and that's about it. I don't like snakes, Nazis, being kept in this stupid village's military when I have better things to do and study. I'm not one for being stuck you see."

"Ah..." Kakashi nodded slowly as Naruto sniffed and wiped his nose with the sleeve of his leather jacket.

"My hobbies? None of your damn business. And my goal...?"

A loud buzzing. The sound of an airplane. Kakashi, Sakura and Sasuke turned as one to see a biplane from the outside world dive down. Naruto grinned, and swung out his whip for the airplane's undercarriage.

"I just achieved it! LATER!" He bellowed, as he was yanked away by the aircraft. He climbed up onto the fuselage and gave it's pilot, a brightly smiling Hinata Hyuuga, a passionate kiss.

"Mmm... Hehehehe! N-Naruto-kun! Not while I'm flying~!" Hinata moaned as Naruto continued to deliver his affections to her. Naruto chuckled.

"Relax.. One of my clones can pilot it, and besides, we haven't yet done it in a plane during a loop now have we?"

"OOohh, you naughty archaeologist..."

Sakura just gaped... And wondered why she felt so turned on.

* * *

_More to come._


	2. Who Are You Going to Call? 1

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

For this chapter, it involves the first of many snippets regarding a Ghostbusters/Naruto crossover concept I wrote a few years ago, wherein due to something big going down, the Ghostbusters' Firehouse was transported several hundred years into the future, but several hundred years before the time of Naruto. The containment system went off and flooded the Elemental Continent with PKE, which was the genesis of chakra and the various demons that populate the Naruto world. Naruto and Sakura stumbled across the firehouse when they were younger, buried underneath Konoha, and thanks to Slimer's help they decide to become ninjas _and _Ghostbusters. This idea also launched my love of Sakura as a mad scientist, which shows up again in the Alt-Canon Naruto storyline. Enjoy.

* * *

Kakashi looked up from his reading at the garden Team 7 was supposed to be weeding. He could spot Sasuke at work, alongside a number of Naruto clones, but as for the original and Sakura...

Ah, Sasuke had noticed this too. The Uchiha glared across the vegetable rows at his teammates. Sakura had a calculator and note pad out while talking with Naruto in low voices. He noted (with some disdain) that their 'pet' ghost Slimer was floating nearby.

"Oi, what are you doing?" Sasuke demanded. He sure as hell wasn't doing this crappy mission all by himself. He wouldn't do it in the first place if he didn't have to. And anything involving that little green demon made him... Anxious.

Sakura looked up, smiling a bit uneasily, while Naruto just glared. Slimer stared with them.

"Bastard, we're busy!"

"Naruto!" Sakura growled, and Naruto sighed.

"But c'mon... This is important, and I've already got my clones working with him!"

"I know, but still..."

"I might ask you two the same thing," Kakashi spoke flatly from his tree. "This IS an assigned mission, you know... And do you have to bring your pet along?"

"Hey, Slimer's very useful!" Naruto defended. Slimer made noises of agreement.

"Well, if you really want to know, we're having trouble with our business," Sakura admitted. Sasuke snorted and went back to weeding, while Kakashi raised his visible eyebrow.

"Hm?"

"I don't get it! I sent out the flyers everywhere, Old Man Hokage said he posted the flyers up in the mission room!" Naruto groaned. "Why is no one calling?"

"Well Naruto, you have to admit. There aren't that many people likely to call a pair of genin for help against... What does you business do again?" Kakashi asked. Sakura sighed.

"Paranormal investigation, and elimination," she recited dutifully.

"Why are you pursuing something like that outside of your ninja duties though?" Kakashi asked. "You can't commit to both equally."

"Well, we need money to pay rent... And feed Slimer," Naruto explained. "Plus, well... It's interesting! Besides, ghosts are just as big a threat to Konoha as ninjas, and as Hokage I'll defend it from both, dattebayo!" Naruto vowed. Sakura shrugged and smiled over at Sasuke.

"Sasuke-kun, it is very interesting. We're studying how chakra works, how other forces work. It might lead to some breakthroughs!"

"Unless we go bankrupt... Which we might," Naruto sighed. Sakura and Slimer sighed as well. Kakashi shook his head. Like most other ninja in Konoha, he was familiar with Sakura and Naruto's antics involving ghosts and strange inventions. He'd personally seen their first test drive of a strange white-colored vehicle they'd accidentally crashed into his favorite porn shop.

He'd gotten several free copies of Icha Icha Paradise out of it, for which he woudl forever be grateful to them for, but still. All of their activities had been mysterious, bizarre. Why they were so obsessed with such things while still striving to become ninjas was rather mystifying. You were supposed to become a ninja, then become crazy.

The silence was interrupted by a beeped tune. Sakura pulled a small phone from her pouch and pressed it to her ear. Naruto and Slimer both leaned in close to listen.

"Hello, Ghostbusters? ... Yes... You saw our ad? Good! Okay, what do you...? Oh! _Oh_... That's great! I mean, it's great you called us first. Okay, just give me the address... Thank you... Oh, don't worry! We'll be completely discrete... Thank you again!" She clicked it off and grinned.

"WOO HOO! WE GOT ONE!"

"ALL RIGHT! Let's go!" Naruto cheered. Kakashi cleared his throat, and raised his eyebrow. The two genin and their ghost looked back. Naruto groaned and held out his hands, begging.

"C'mon Kakashi-sensei, we finally got a job!"

"You still have a job to do here," Kakashi indicated. Sasuke smirked slightly at Naruto's annoyed look.

"Well, according to Konoha law, anyone can request a mission of a ninjas," Sakura spoke quickly. "Provided they can pay. Couldn't we pay you two to help us?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. That was rather clever, and definitely showed how... Involved they were. Still...

"Well, what's the mission?"

"Apparently a casino in a village a few miles away from Konoha is having trouble with what seems to be a focused, non-repeating free roaming vapor," Sakura replied. At Sasuke's scowl and Kakashi's silence, Naruto broke in.

"Something like Slimer here. Eating gambling chips and so forth."

"Well, normally jounin can't take missions directly given to them," Kakashi spoke. "They have to go through the mission office."

Sakura turned to Slimer and quickly whispered a few things to him. The little green ghost nodded and babbled happily, before flying off at high speed. A few minutes later, he reappeared, trumpeting happily as he carried a C-Rank mission scroll with him. He dropped it in Kakashi's hand before zooming over to Sakura eagerly.

"Great job Slimer! Here you go," Sakura compliment, tossing Slimer a piece of candy. The ghost gulped it down and grinned. Kakashi read the slime-covered scroll with some distaste, before nodding.

"Well, this look legit. Besides, it shouldn't be too difficult. This isn't a combat mission after all, and you two _do_ know what you're doing, correct?"

Naruto and Sakura nodded. Sasuke scowled.

"Then it's settled. Let's go," Kakashi said, hopping out of the tree.

"YES!"

"ALL RIGHT!"

"Kakashi-sensei, do we really have to...?" Sasuke began. Kakashi nodded.

"Yes Sasuke, we do. Besides, a little extra cash never hurt anyone." He turned to Naruto and Sakura.

"So, what do we do first?"

* * *

More to come, so please be patient. And yes, if you'd like to use any of these snippets as prompts for your own stories, just PM me to ask and I'll give you permission, as well as advice if you want it.


	3. Mythbusters 1

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Challenge me, will they? Then I'll show them, I'LL SHOW THEM ALL, MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem… Thanks to the brilliant suggestion of one of the reviewers (you know who you are), I've decided to rename the fic "Ramen Doodles", as it is more appropriate a title. Without further ado, he's another series of snippets for another random, insane idea I put together with help at TFF.

* * *

As Tsunade poured over some unpleasant paperwork in the Hokage's Office, she sighed and rubbed her eyes.

_Waste management...? Since when do I have anything to do with that? Guhh... I need sake..._

She reached for her bottle, only to snatch her hand back as her apprentice and TonTon burst through the door. Tsunade cringed, preparing herself for another lecture from Shizune (she could _never_ stand them), only for her ears to meet an entirely different statement from her assistant.

"Oh, Hello Tsunade-sama! May I use your TV? Mine's broken."

Tsunade blinked as Shizune went over to the television set in her office anyway, switching it on to channel 11. Then, as happy as a schoolgirl Shizune plopped down in front of the set with a big smile. TonTon sat down next to her, bweeing cheerfully.

"Eh?"

"Oh! Just watch Tsunade-sama, you'll love this show!" Shizune enthused. "It's something Naruto and that Aburame boy put together!"

_Naruto... And the Aburame boy?_ Tsunade thought, staring in utter disbelief as the show began with Shino and Naruto sitting in what appeared to be a room in Naruto's clean but aged apartment. Shino wore a beret while Naruto had donned a black T-shirt with the logo "I do my own stunts" emblazoned on it under a bright orange jacket.  
_  
"What you're about to see is stuff you should never, _ever_ try at home,"_ Naruto stated in a grave tone.

Shino nodded minutely.

_"We're what you would call "experts."_

"Oh God," Tsunade groaned as Shizune and TonTon cheered. This could _not_ end well.

* * *

Narrator: Who are the Mythbusters? Naruto Uzumaki.

(Scene of several Naruto clones being burned to death horribly.)

Naruto: Oh man, I am having _way_ too much fun with this...

Narrator: Shino Aburame.

(Shot of Shino in a wetsuit)

Shino: I feel kind of sexy...

Narrator: Between them, more than ten years of experience in pranks, jutsus and high explosives.

(Naruto examining an irate Sasuke's eyes with a magnifying glass.)

Naruto: Spin, _damn you!_

Narrator: Joining them, Iruka Umino.

(Iruka lying under some debris)

Iruka: Ugh... Yeah... Perfectly safe kids...

Narrator: Tenten Tsume.

(Shot of Tenten with pigtails making kissy faces at a dummy head)

Tenten: For good luck, Buster!

Narrator: And Kiba Inuzuka.

Kiba: *grin* I'm here for the food, explosions, and chicks.

Narrator: They don't just tell the myths-They put them to the test!

* * *

Naruto grinned into the camera.

"Hey viewers! Today we're testing out the safety of the new 'automobiles' being ordered by the Fire Daimyo for the capital," Naruto stated, making quotation marks in the air for "automobiles." He wasn't sure what it meant, but he liked the expression that the Western representative from the car company had made.

"The car company 'claims' that it's 'automobile' can survive 'anything', so we're going to put that claim to the test!" Naruto finished with a grin and air quotes.

"However, rather than using a Naruto clone in the car," Shino stated from nearby said automobile, setting a wooden dummy with a smiley face painted on it in the driver's seat, "we will instead use Buster."

"Yes, Buster! A decoy wooden and plastic training dummy sometimes used at the academy. Donated by Iruka-sensei. THANK YOU IRUKA-SENSEI!" Naruto shouted, waving off-camera. It's view shifted, spotting the nervous-looking Iruka giving a weak thumbs up.

"You're sure the dummy-?"

"Buster!" Naruto shouted. Iruka sighed.

"Right... 'Buster'. Are you sure he won't be too beat up?"

"Sure I'm sure!" Naruto grinned, though the camera spotted the crossed fingers behind his back. "Now then Shino, what are we testing first?"

"Well... First we're going to see if this "automobile" can stand up to a few of the more common assassination jutsus," Shino stated. "Such as the classic 'Fireball no jutsu.'"

"Which was provided to us by Sasuke Uchiha, the sexually confused heir of the Uchiha Clan. THANK YOU SASUKE!" Naruto waved at the camera with a wink.

At his home, Sasuke seethed and ran off to make a revision to his revenge list-Naruto _first_, Itachi _second._

"All right, let's see what she can take!" Naruto enthused, as Shino and the cameraman walked to a safe distance from the car. Naruto took a deep breath and made the hand seals.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE! FIREBALL NO JUTSU!"

A blast of flame left Naruto's mouth and slammed into the automobile, resulting in a terrific explosion. _KABOOM!_

As the smoke cleared, there was very little left of the car (and Buster) aside from charred remains. Naruto winced and looked over at Shino, who raised an eyebrow.

"Okay... I think we can conclusively state that this 'automobile' cannot stand up to 'anything' as the salesman 'claimed'," Naruto stated, making several finger quotes. Shino looked over at Naruto.

"Why are you making those hand signs?"

"... I really don't know..."

"NARUTOOOOO!" Iruka bellowed, after staring in complete shock for a few moments. Naruto coughed, and glowered.

"HEY! Don't blame us! 'Blame' the 'automobile company' for their 'allegedly' 'indestructible' 'automobile'!"

"You're making the hand signs again," Shino noted dryly.

"So?"

* * *

"Maybe it's a myth that methane is flammable?" Naruto asked, as he watched their latest test subject, Sasuke, run around screaming in agony.

"It's not a myth, we're just idiots," Shino observed.

* * *

"Uh, hi... Do you have hardcore, to-the-bone death metal?" Iruka asked the music store clerk. The clerk smiled cheerfully.

"Do we ever!"

* * *

"You suck, freshman!" Tenten's recorded voice shouted at the plant in the green house. Naruto and Shino looked at eachother, then looked over at Tenten.

"You called the plant a freshman?" Asked Naruto. Tenten shrugged.

"I was running out of material!"

* * *

"It's the newest kid thing. It's Brick Car! It's faster than anything and uglier than anything, too," Naruto enthused.

"And if you throw it really hard at your brother, it'll kill him," Shino deadpanned.

"I'll take three!" Sasuke shouted off-camera.

* * *

"Science, plus beer, equals good!" Kiba cheered.

* * *

Naruto and Shino looked up at the giant Shukaku construct. They looked at eachother.

"Chicken cannon?" Naruto asked.

Shino shook his head.

"Home-made enhanced explosive notes?"

Shino nodded. Naruto grinned and looked over at the camera.

"We're about to test the myth that you _can't_ glass sand with explosive notes... By the way, guys? You totally deserve a raise for all the crap you have to record us doing."

Meanwhile...

"I may be tempted to spare your pitiful village, Sensei, if only for two people," Orochimaru hissed. Sarutobi blinked across the roof.

_Two? Sasuke must be one... But who...?_

"Sasuke and who else?"

"SASUKE?! Bah! I'll grab him when I need comic relief and a new body! No, I mean Naruto Uzumaki and Shino Aburame!"

"The Mythbusters...? You're a _fan_?"

"OF COURSE I'M A FAN!" Orochimaru squealed in a disturbingly girly fashion (which, considering "his" current body was female, was not a stretch) as he opened his top to reveal a Mythbusters T-Shirt underneath. "I'M THEIR BIGGEST!"

Sarutobi sighed. He should have known...

* * *

(By DhamphyrX2)

"Today on mythbusters we're testing the myth that Inuzuka women are the wildest women in bed in all of Konoha. To test this myth Naruto and myself will spend several hours pleasuring Inuzuka Hana and Inuzuka Tsume," Shino explained as the second edition of the Icha Icha myths special aired across Konoha and the rest of the Elemental Countries.

"Of course every experiment needs a control, so we'll have to service several other women from the mild in terperament to the extreme, to create a fair baseline for comparison," Naruto added with a smile.

"To help us test this myth, we'll be revisiting out old friends form the Hyuuga clan from our test of the "Hyuuga Effect" myth," Shino began.

"Best 'myth confirmed' ever," Naruto interjected with a dreamy smile.

"Indeed. We she also be enlisting the aid of our special Mysthbuster Tenten, who will be assisting Naruto and I, along with, Yamanaka Ino, Ichiraku Ayame, and Mitarashi Anko to help further the experiment.

"And remeber, as always on Mythbusters the health and safety of the team and the crew is our top priority, so the Hokage's apprentice Shizune has been kind enough to oversee all the experiments and monitor everyone's health for things like dehydration or extreme exhaustion," Naruto informed the viewing audience.

* * *

(By troutpeoples)

"Today on 'Mythbusters', we have a special for some of our biggest fans. We have entered the hideout of an organization called-"  
"Akatsuki," Shino stated blandly, knowing that Naruto wouldn't have remembered.  
"Yes, the Akatsuki, to test several myths sent in by-"  
"More like hundreds of myths," Kiba grumbled. "That 'Tobi' guy never shuts up."  
"Several suggestions and episode ideas have been sent in by e-mail-ers tobi_isaGOODBOY, foolishlittlebrother3, jashindemands_sacrifices, and JAWS7, so we have decided to pay them a visit and take up a few of... their..........wait." He turned to Shino, who was looking off camera. "Did you say Akatsuki?"  
"Correct."  
Silence reigned as Naruto looked back and forth between the camera and his partner-in-crime.  
"Uh... maybe we should go...," he said nervously.  
An explosion shook the lair as an orange-masked figure ran past the screen.  
"SEEEEEEEEMPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A small clay bird flew by, and another explosion sounded.  
"WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU BASTARDS ARE INTERUPTING MY WORSHIP!"  
The room quieted down after that. Until a harsh, sufficating killer intent blanketed the entire area.  
Uchiha Itachi stood in the kitchen, face impassive, Mangekyou Sharingan spinning wildly. "Who took my pocky?"

................

Kiba looked down at the chocolate-flavored pocky he had found near the door of the lair. Hastily, he shoved it into Shino's hands and ran like hell.

* * *

(By cyrusII)

Myths to investigate?

"One time a chuunin got his hands on the Hokage's pipe and let's just say that wasn't tobacco. Stay tuned to see if this is a bust."

* * *

"Alright, so one ANBU story says that a kunai, if used right, won't cut the vag-"

"NARUTO!"

"WHAT?! IT'S AN HONEST MYTH! We even got Anko as a guest star!"

* * *

"It's a long told myth that Abruma's are, to put it simply, the best lays of all time for women. Now, lucky for us-"

"It's true."

"Errr... how Shino?"

"The bugs... they are... handy."

"....... really?"

* * *

"We decided today to let the ladies take over the show to put a spin on a few more feminine myths. Here's Tenten and Anko!"

"Hey there fellow ladies! Guy's claim, the bigger the breasts the bigger the chakra reserves. So we have to ask, the bigger the chakra reserves the bigger the package? Let's find out! Hold him down Tenten!"

"RUN SHINO, SAVE YOUR-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-... ok new favorite use for the ring on the end of a kunai..."


	4. Dolphin Man AWAAAY!

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

I've been rather busy preparing for Starfest 2009, a scifi convention going on in Denver. I'm going as the Tenth Doctor. Look for pictures to go up at my DevArt account probably next week.

* * *

This chapter was inspired by watching Crayon Shin-chan. Imagine Iruka as a part-time superhero ala Enchman. Complete with cheesy theatrics, improbably expensive secret lairs and intervening in domestic squabbles. How did he get that way? Well, Iruka caught Jiraiya peeping early in his life, and Jiraiya made a blatant lie that he was actually watching out for the women because he heard a rumor that a pervert was nearby.

* * *

"Yes! Gallant Jiraiya looks out for the welfare of all!"

The much younger Iruka gaped in aw and his eyes sparkled at Jiraiya's dramatic pose.

"WOW! That is so cool! When I grow up, I want to be just like you!"

"That's the spirit, kid!" Jiraiya grinned. "But uh, you should probably have a disguise... It lets you do works of good against evil without evil trying to find your loved ones and use them against you."

"Like... An alternate identity?" Iruka asked. Jiraiya nodded.

"Yes!"

"Very well, Gallant Jiraiya... I will fight for truth and justice from now on, as... DOLPHIN MAN!" Iruka declared, striking his own pose.

"Um... Sure kid, whatever floats your boat," Jiraiya mumbled, stealing away from the obviously deranged youth.

Most of the ninja just assume he's some kind of harmless nut. Many of the kunoichi can't help but be enamored with the mysterious crusader. And Naruto, with his love of adventure and theatrics, can't help but like this Dolphin Man too.

Even though the majority of his adventures end up making him think he should have gone with "Bicycle Repair Man" or "Helping Little Old Ladies Across the Street Man"...

* * *

_You know, most people think of me as a fairly ordinary, nice school teacher..._

Iruka sighs as he looks over another essay. "Konohamaru's ideas of ascending to the Hokageship... Does he think this'll fly?"

_Quiet, unassuming..._

Iruka stands up from his desk and stretches.

"Hey, Iruka!" He turned and sees a pair of teachers walking past. He waves back.

"We're headed to the bar, you wanna come?" One of them asks. Iruka shakes his head.

"Nah, think I'll get ahead in my work.."

"All right, suit yourself," the teacher shrugs. As they head away Iruka can clearly hear him mutter to his friend, "Sheesh, guy's like a robot. Just works and works..."

"I know!"

_But if you thought I was just another average chuunin at the ninja academy... _

Iruka walks over to a map of the elemental countries, and checks behind him... Before pressing on Snow Country. The wall swings around, sliding Iruka behind it.

_You'd be wrong._

"DOLPHIN MAN, AWAYYYYY!"

* * *

Iruka blinked as his watch began to beep loudly. He smiled at his class.

"Kids, I'm afraid I need to head out for a bit. I'll be back in a few minutes... So don't think you can get away with anything!" Iruka growled.

"Yes Iruka-sensei," the class dutifully recited. Iruka slipped out the door and ran to a closet. He opened it up... And made a face.

"SUKI! KEN! HOW CAN YOU DO SUCH A THING DURING SCHOOL HOURS?!"

"B-But we-!"

"You're just lucky I'm not one of the children!" Iruka growled.

He slammed the closet door shut and sighed, before rushing to another hidden entrance to his lair. He was very glad he'd made several...

* * *

Minutes later, Dolphin Man was cruising above Konoha on his Dolphin Glider. He wasn't quite sure why he'd named it the Dolphin Glider, but naming things after his superhero alter-ego just seemed right. He swooped down on the source of the call, landing on the roof of a small flower shop.

"Never fear, Dolphin Man is here!" The Bottlenosed Hero announced dramatically.

"EEEK!"

Dolphin Man blushed hard under his mask and felt a nosebleed coming on. He immediately recognized the furiously blushing, scantily clad blonde woman as Akina Yamanaka, Ino Yamanaka's mother. She dropped the phone and covered herself up.

"D-Dolphin Man! Wh-What are you doing here?" She squeaked. Dolphin Man blinked.

"I uh... tracked the call to the Dolphin Hotline here... Is there a problem?"

"Dolphin... Hotline...? Uhhh..."

Dolphin Man's eyes wandered over to the opened phone book. He sighed as he saw that his (very small) listing was right next to "Daikeru's Phone Sex".

"W-Well... Now you're here and all," Ino's mother purred, uncovering herself, "I just remembered... I do have an emergency... Only you can help me with..."

"Uh... Is-Is that a kitten stuck in a tree? Pardon me! DOLPHIN MAN, AWAAAAYYYY!"

Dolphin Man leaped out the window and fairly glided for his life, while Akina snapped her fingers.

"Damnit!"

* * *

Dolphin Man sighed as he finished fixing the sink. He stood up and smiled to the woman who had called him. "There you are ma'am... Your pipes are fixed."

"Why, thank you Dolphin Man!" Sachiko Haruno, Sakura's (also very attractive) mother giggled. Her smile turned sultry. "I don't suppose you could also fix... My shower drain? You see, whenever I'm in there... Naked and wet... It makes a strange noise..."

Dolphin Man twitched as a bit of blood escaped from under his mask. "I-I need to go..."

The scene changes with a cheap plastic dolphin figurine spinning around on screen.

Iruka sighs and sits in his Dolphin Lair. "Maybe I shouldn't have taken out a listing in the Yellow Pages... If I have to visit one more lonely MILF..."

Iruka shook his head and stood up, pacing.

"Hmmm... Maybe some sort of... Spotlight signal? Or a special phone for the police to use? ... Nah, they wouldn't go for that, that's stupid..."

* * *

Tsunade blinked as she surveyed the Hokage's office. After cleaning it out, she'd located a small... Signal lamp of some sort in the window with a symbol drawn on it.

"And just what the heck is this?" She asked Shizune. Her assistant shrugged and looked over to one of the chuunin nearby. He coughed.

"Uh, Hokage-sama, that would be the Dolphin Signal."

"Dolphin... Signal?" Tsunade asked slowly. The chuunin sighed.

"Just turn it on, ma'am. You'll see..."

Tsunade frowned. She'd checked the device, and there wasn't anything dangerous about it she could see... So with a shrug of her own she switched it on.

A bright blue beam of light, chakra-enhanced, shot out from the device and formed the shape of a dolphin high above Konoha. A few minutes later, a dark blue-clad man jumped through the window.

"Dolphin Man reporting, Hokage-sama! How may I be of assistance?" The Caped Cetacean asked dramatically.

Tsunade's jaw dropped. Shizune couldn't help but swoon a bit at the heroic (and very nice) figure cut by the superhero. The chuunin smiled wryly.

"Hokage-sama, this is Dolphin Man... Our resident superhero."

"... Where is your jump cable attached to?" Tsunade asked flatly. Dolphin Man opened his mouth... And shrugged, striking another dramatic pose.

"I don't really know, Hokage-sama!"

* * *

_And yes, anyone who wishes to use these snippets and omakes as starting material for a story need only ask. _


	5. Dolphin Man versus Snake Charmer!

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

More Dolphin Man!

* * *

_Written by DhampyrX2_

_I don't know why, but I've always been partial to the dynamic where ANko and Iruka are at least friends on some level. If they were childhood (pre-Orochimaru for Anko) friends that could add a new dymanic here. Namely Anko recognizes who Iruka is, thinks he's gone nuts, and follows him around in a attempt to "save him from his delusions."_

_Bonus points if she keeps blocking all the horny MILFS hitting on him from getting any, and thus becomes seen as his arch-nemesis in their eyes while Iruka is actually grateful for the escape opportunities. Not that he can tell her of course. He must maintain his "secret identity."_

"Okay Iruka-kun, it was funny for about a week but I'm sick of it. This Dolphin Man stuff has to end. Give me the costume," Anko demanded.

Since she had caught a glimpse of Konoha's resident so-called 'super hero' she had been running herself ragged. It didn't take a genius to figure out it was Iruka in that stupid outfit if you knew what to look for, and Anko had known him since they were rugrats. Honestly, she was worried her old friend was having a mental breakdown at first. Now, she was just sick of getting into these hairy situations to keep those desperate _married_ women off of him.

"Dolphin Man? Costume? I don't know what you mean Anko-chan. I haven't been to a costume party in years. In fact the last one was that time you were helping Kurenai-san to catch Asumea's eye and-" Iruka began until he was cut off by Anko's hand flying to his mouth with a viper's quickness.

The serpent mistress of Konoha actually had the grace to blush at the memory of that particular event. Kurenai STILL got upset when reminded about it. But, then again, the results did speak for themselves. Kurenai got her man and it was all thank to (in her mind anyway) Anko. "We don't need to rehash ancient history like that Iruka. You promosed not to talk about it. Remember?" Anko reminded him somewhat desperately.

Iruka smiled boyishly in a way that made women like Suzume, Shizune, and Ayame blush whenever they say it as he chuckled and replied, "But it was still funny, huh?"

Anko couldn't help but snicker as she agreed, "Yeah." After a moment her amused expression drained form her face as she looked sternly at Iruka and snapped, "But stop changing the subject. I know perfectly that you're this 'Dolphin Man' everyone is talking about Iruka. I won'r have you making an ass of yourself, or worse getting hurt, running around town like this. Now give me the outfit."

Iruka tried to keep from breaking out in a cold sweat as he responded, "Are you feeling okay Anko-chan? I'm not a dolphin man. Do I look like I'm related to Hoshigaki Kisame here?"

Anko growled dangerously, which in turm made Iruka raise his hands in mock surrender and back up a step, as she spat, "Don't you give me that, Iruka. I've spent the last week running intereference from deperate old women trying to have their way with you, including Nara Yoshino and any Hyuuga woman not busy staring at your favorite Uzumaki brat and I'm sick of it. You're giving me the dolphin and we're destroying it before it causes any more preblems for either of us."

"Anko-chan I think you might need to relax. How about we get you some dango and sake and talk about this. You're obviously very stressed,"

Anko looked ready to jump at the chance to binge on dango the way a certain blond in the village gorged himself of ramen before she caught herself and replied, "Oohhh no. You're not distracting me that easily. Now show me the dolphin so we can settle this."

"Anko-chan I really don't know what you mean," Iruka replied nervously as Anko began to advance on him.

"Where's the outfit Iruka? Are you wearing it under your uniform? It's certainly tight enough," she speculated as she advanced on him with a kunai, willing to cut his clothes off of him to get at the offending garment.

"Anko, what are you... Yipe!" Iruka exclaimed as Anko lunged at him.

What followed was a chase over half of Konoha that would feed the rumor mill for weeks as people recounted how Anko chased Iruka around the village, intent on publicly stripping him and demanding to "see his dolphin."

Those that weren't scnadalized by how shameless the former apprentice of Orochimaru's was behaving seemed to be in two camps.

One camp, led by the likes of Kurenai and Asuma, was glad to see the two longtime friends were willing to admit to the chemistry between them after all this time and give it a go.

The other camp consisted of mostly women that had designs on a certain kind and polite Chuunin that was clearly good with children that decided they might have to step up their efforts and bring their "A" game the next time they encountered Iruka.

There were men with designs on Anko that were similarly upset, of course, but they knew better than to try to take it out on Iruka. For one, you don't poke a sleeping tiger and the devious prankster's mind in Iruka's head qualified in the eyes of anyone that was ever stupid enough to anger him from the older generations. They also knew better than to try to intimidate or threaten any friend of Anko's if they valued having all their bits in one piece and arranged where they were supposed to be on their bodies.

* * *

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Anko slammed the door to her apartment behind her, stomping to her couch and flinging herself on it in fury.

"Damnit damnit damnit!" Anko snarled, flinging three kunai right into the crotch of the training dummy made to resemble Orochimaru. The Serpent Kunoichi fumed.

"Damnit... She's a freaking Sannin for God's sake and even she can't see that it's Iruka under that ridiculous mask?!" Anko twirled a kunai around her finger, growling audibly. Somehow, Iruka had made it so that no Hyuuga could look under his mask! She should have known he'd have come up with something like that - He was always a lot smarter and more talented than he let on - But any ninja worth their hiaite who had seen the body language and form of Dolphin Man and her friend should have been able to see the unmistakable similarities!

_Then again, Orochimaru never could tell when I swiped his wallet,_ Anko mused, throwing her fourth kunai into the eye of the training dummy. _Must be some kind of blindspot..._

Anko shook her head. Now wasn't the time to bemoan the stupidity of her village - Now was the time to do something about it. Iruka had left a henged water clone to fill in while he'd gone all the way out to Wave Country for the Uzumaki brat! If he was caught he would have been declared a missing nin and hunted down! And what was worse, he'd gone up against a killer like Zabuza Momochi in that ridiculous getup!

_He's going to get himself killed... Or worse,_ she thought, brown eyes narrowing at the lusting women of Konoha after her... _Friend's_ alter ego.

"Hmmm..."

There had to be a way to, if not stop him from pursuing this _hobby_, then at least keeping an eye out for him and running interference...

But to do that, she would either have to put herself in danger, follow him around...

"Or make sure I can direct his actions," she mused. Anko smirked.

"Of course! I'm such a genius! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Anko celebrated her brilliance with a round of beating up the Orochimaru dummy, before rushing to her closet and perusing through her clothing selection.

"No... No... No... Ah ha! This will work... And this... Damnit, where did I put my scissors...?"

A few hours later, the Dolphin Signal shown into th nighttime sky above Konoha. And a dark, leather-clad and _very_ female figure emerged from Anko's apartment. She giggled, and caressed a summoned snake on her arm.

"Oh, just you wait Dolphin Man... You're going to regret playing me... Because now the games have _really_ begun," the Snake Charmer cackled as she leaped off the balcony to the roofs below.

* * *

"Holy knockovers, Dolphin Man! Look! Someone broke into that bank!" Naruto (Or as his new sidekick had dubbed himself, Fox Boy) shouted to Dolphin Man. Mentally Iruka sighed. Naruto still had no idea who he was under the mask-He had simply made his own costume and gone out to fight crime on his own. Iruka had decided to take him under "Dolphin Man's" wing to keep him out of trouble.

Of course, Iruka's repressed inner child had welcomed a partner in crime-fighting. Especially his catchphrase, "Holy (insert subject here)". Iruka couldn't help but like it. It seemed so... Appropriate.

"Great Blowhole! Come Fox Boy Wonder, we can't let them escape!" Dolphin Man shouted, leaping off the roof towards the Bank with Naruto in close pursuit.

Descending through the smashed skylight of the bank, Dolphin Man and Fox Boy struck appropriately dramatic stances.

"Halt, evildoer!"

Dolphin Man's eyes bugged out at the smirking face that popped out of the bank vault.

"Why hello, Dolphin Man... I've been expecting you," the leather masked woman hissed as she slinked out of the vault. Dolphin Man felt a nosebleed coming on, as Fox Man just stared in disbelief.

"Allow me to introduce myself," the woman grinned, kissing the head of the snake coiled around her shoulders. "I am the Snake Charmer..."

_Anko?! It's Anko! What's she-? Oh. I see... She's thinking she can stop me by being a super-villainess. Well, we'll see who will be stopping who!_ Dolphin Man thought, though his Inner Dolphin Man was too busy drooling over the getup his childhood friend now wore.

Dolphin Man cleared his throat and looked appropriately stern.

"Give yourself up, Snake Charmer! Don't make this any harder than it has to be!"

Anko mock-gasped, covering her mouth. She slowly lowered it, unveiling a naughty smile.

"Why Dolphin Man... How _hard_ do you want it to get?"

Fox Boy stuttered.

"Holy innuendos, Dolphin Man!"

Dolphin Man was in the meantime trying to stifle a severe nosebleed under his mask.

The Snake Charmer used Dolphin Man's distraction to make her escape, leaping through the skylight and zipping away at incredible speed.

"After her, Fox Boy Wonder!" Dolphin Man shouted, shaking his head and rushing after her out the bank's front doors. Naruto followed, and soon all three costumed figures were rushing over the rooftops of Konoha.

"Hahahahaha! You'll never catch me, Dolphin Man!" Snake Charmer called back over her shoulder. Anko grinned wildly-She had to admit, she was seeing the fun to be had in such a gaudy outfit and ridiculous shenanigans. No wonder Iruka had taken it up, considering how involving his work had become.

"We'll see about that! DOLPHIN GRAPNEL GUN!" Dolphin Shouted, yanking out his grapnel and firing it, apparently at Snake Charmer. She dodged the hook and laughed at him.

"MISSED!"

The line pulled taut, and yanked Dolphin Man forward at high speed. Anko didn't have time to react as Dolphin Man tackled her, sending them both crashing into a pile of cardboard boxes at the bottom of an alley.

"Guh... I've taken you down, Charmer!" The Bottlenosed Hero grunted, laying on top of her. His eyes glanced down and saw that one of his hands was resting on one of Anko's breasts. He blushed furiously as he instinctively squeezed.

"Gah! I-I didn't mean that!" Dolphin Man shouted, leaping off her to stand at a safe distance. Snake Charmer sat up, her face red under her mask.

"Uh, well... You _did_ catch me," Snake Charmer managed, putting a sultry hiss into her voice as she regained her composure. She smirked and winked as Dolphin Man glowered at her.

"Anko..."

"It's _Snake Charmer_, _Dolphin Man_," she stated flatly. She winked again and stood up. "If you're playing this game, then I'm playing too... And we always did play so _well_ together..."

Dolphin Man resisted the urge to nosebleed, and moved forward to grab Snake Charmer, but she nimbly slipped out of his arms and grinned.

"Until next time!" She blew a kiss as she threw a bag of loot at him, which he caught. She vanished into the night just as Naruto caught up.

"Gah... Sorry Dolphin Man, I got sidetracked..."

"It's all right Fox Boy... We got back what she stole!" Dolphin Man said triumphantly.

"Yes! What did she take?" Fox Boy asked. Dolphin Man opened the bag, and they both peered inside.

"..."

It was filled with free coffee cups.

"EH?!"

* * *

_Please review, more to come._


	6. Who Are You Going to Call? 0

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Konoha Ghostbusters. A long bit of prequel for the first chapter.

* * *

Yamanaka Ino had to admit, when she'd first met Uzumaki Naruto she'd thought of him as a total goofball. Loud, obnoxious, and idiotic. She'd much rather focus on Sasuke. Now he was dreamy. Cute, quiet, and broody. The loner. The dreamboat.

But, things had changed over the years. They had started subtle, the blond loudmouth becoming less shrill, but still just as goofy and smiley as ever. He'd hung around most of the time with Haruno Sakura, also a quiet reserved girl. Always wandering around together, fiddling over strange devices or books. When they'd entered the ninja academy the changes became more prominent.

Naruto's idiotic grin was foxier, as though he always knew something you didn't. He was very polite, complimenting girls right and left, pulling pranks, and making jokes. Sakura was blunt and straight to the point, always answering the teacher's questions, studiously taking notes, but also making sarcastic quips and cutting blowhards down to size.

Ino had naturally focused more on Naruto. Sakura was strange, but Naruto was, well... A guy. And while he and Sasuke were mysterious, Naruto was infinitely easier to approach and always paid her attention. A girl liked to feel appreciated, after all. And the stunts Naruto pulled to impress her were always very sweet.

"Is it a... A circle?"

"Nope. Close, but still wrong."

"YEOW!"

Ino managed to keep a serene smile on her face, even while Kiba next to her jumped at the electrical shock. Across the table, Naruto just smiled back and set the card back on the table. He jotted down a few notes, before pulling out another card in front of Ino, the blue-colored back to the blonde girl.

"All right, now... Clear your head..."

Ino nodded, concentrating.

"... Is it a star?" She asked. Naruto's eyes darted over to the card, and he smiled.

"It _is_ a star, very good!" Naruto set it down, and Ino smirked at the fuming Kiba. Naruto held up the next card and smiled congenially at the Inuzuka.

"Hey, relax. Just focus... And guess."

"All right, all right," Kiba mumbled, narrowing his eyes at the card. "Triangle?"

"Oooh, nope! Wrong again!" Naruto sighed, flipping the card over to show a rectangle. Kiba groaned... And yelped again as Naruto applied another shock. The dog ninja glared angrily.

"Hey! What's that for?!"

"I told you," Naruto sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. "I'm studying the effect of negative reinforcement on psychic ability. Ino here is from a bloodline that specializes in psychic-based jutsu, but I want to know if other bloodlines have the same capacity. She's basically my control."

"But she hasn't been shocked once!" Kiba complained. Naruto nodded.

"Yes, so far. When she gets something wrong, I'll shock _her_ to try and induce her ability negatively." Naruto shook his head. "C'mon, I'm paying you, right?"

"You didn't say anything about electric shocks!" Kiba accused. Naruto folded his hands in front of him, looking Kiba in the eyes.

"No, but you _did_ say you could take anything I dished out, right?" He asked, a hint of amusement in his eyes only Ino could pick up. Kiba growled, but nodded.

"Yeah..."

"And if you can read minds, then you'll be a whole lot more powerful a ninja, right?" Naruto continued. Kiba thought about it, and nodded.

"Yeah..."

"So, let's continue!" Naruto said with a grin. Kiba nodded stiffly, still glaring at Naruto, who looked utterly unconcerned and earnest. It was almost enough for Ino to break down in laughter.

The card card was held up. Ino focused.

"... Figure 8!"

Naruto blinked and looked at the card, before looking back at Ino.

"Incredible. That's seven for seven. You can't see these, right?"

"No, I swear, they're just coming to me! It's amazing," Ino gasped. Kiba glowered at her, but bent over to make sure the blond girl couldn't see through the cards. Naruto set this one down too, and smiled at Kiba.

"You all right?"

"No I'm not all right! This is annoying!" Kiba growled.

"Relax, you've only got seventy-two more to go," Naruto soothed. Kiba flinched, but stayed sitting as Naruto brought up the next card. He growled.

"What, a couple of wavy lines?" He asked sarcastically.

"Sorry, this isn't your lucky day," Naruto chuckled. Kiba chuckled morbidly.

"Yeah but... Uh... Um... Er..."

Ino caught Naruto's eye. The whiskered-blond winked at her. Ino winked and smiled back as sweat beaded on Kiba's forehead. Naruto's hand drew closer, _closer_ to the switch...

"Ah...! Er... YEEEOOOWWW! DAMNIT, THAT'S IT!" Kiba bellowed, yanking off the wire that had sent the last shock and storming out of the room. "YOU CAN KEEP THE 50 RYO YOU BASTARD!"

"I will, Mister!" Naruto called back angrily. After the door was slammed, Ino cracked up, laughing so hard she was crying.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God Naruto, that was _classic!_"

Naruto laughed with her, shaking his head.

"So, how long did you know-?"

"That it was a scam? The very moment," Ino replied with a wink. "It was very sweet... What was your whole plan?"

"Well, he storms out, I tell you we should talk about your ability later over dinner... And we go from there," Naruto replied with a proud smile. Ino sighed.

"Naruto, Sasuke-kun is the only one for me."

"Oh come on, give me a chance? Please?" Naruto begged. Ino thought it over.

"Hmmm... Well..."

The door to the empty classroom opened, and Sakura walked in, smiling.

"Naruto, you won't believe what I-! ... Oh. Hello, Ino," Sakura said, going from happy to irritated in a split second. Ino smirked cattily back.

"Sakura," she returned.

_Catfight, catfight, catfight,_ Naruto mentally chanted.

* * *

Naruto sighed. Yet again, his chance to date Ino Yamanaka was ruined by his best friend, sister figure, and business partner Sakura, who was currently dragging him down the street.

"Seriously Sakura, can't this wait? I was so close!"

"Yamanaka Ino is a shallow, self-centered little brat," Sakura snorted. "You'd be much better off dating Hinata."

"Hey, I like Hinata, believe me. But I have to keep Ino from falling for Emo Boy! That'll just end up a train wreck!" Naruto protested as their headquarters/his apartment came into view. Situated on the outskirts of Konoha, the Hokage had done Naruto and Sakura a serious favor by using an earth jutsu to dig the ancient firehouse out of the dirt and used a few other jutsus to strengthen it. Red brick, with green siding, the firehouse was definitely their home in virtually all respects.

Especially for their ambitious about-to-begin business venture.

"Why not let her train wreck and come back to pick up the pieces?" Sakura asked with a growl. Naruto grinned as Sakura dragged him into the firehouse garage, shutting the door behind him.

"Simple. I'm not an asshole. I'd prefer she not go through with that."

"Naruto, Hinata loves you, has a MUCH better developed body than Ino, and is bisexual. Exactly why are you pursuing Ino?" Sakura asked flatly. Naruto shrugged.

"Okay, you caught me. I want a harem, and Ino'll be my second wife."

"Knew it," she sighed, hitting him over the head. She grinned.

"But now onto what's important. Mainly, me, and what I've discovered!"

"A way to de-emo Sasuke? Oh, hey Slimer!" Naruto said cheerfully.

"Heyah, Nawuto!" Slimer greeted, hovering over. Sakura tossed Slimer some candy, which the little ghost happily ingested. She turned to the Ecto-1, sitting before them with a proud smile.

"No... I figured out how to get that stupid chakra engine of yours running. Ecto-1 should work now!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Naruto cheered, hugging Sakura and making her blush slightly. "That's awesome! Let's try it out now!" Naruto opened the car door and slid into the driver's seat. Sakura slid over the hood and jumped into the passenger seat through the open window.

"Saw it on the Dukes of Hazzard tapes," she grinned. "Ready for testing!"

"Ready!" Naruto grinned, turning the ignition key. _This is going to be great!_

* * *

_(Parts of this next section were written by my good friend Silverdragon15)_

In retrospect, they should have probably remembered to buckle their seat belts, or perhaps learn how to drive properly first.

"Uh, Ino...please don't hurt me!" Naruto was scared, no, terrified at the infuriated blond in front of him. They had crashed, head long, into the front of the Yamanaka flower shop.

"No magic trick is going to get you out of this one." Ino growled. Sakura didn't even try to stick up for Naruto. She thought it would be very good punishment for him flirting. Naruto was thinking fast. Could there be anything that would get him out of this?

"I..." A wise man once said, if all else fails, beg like hell. "I'm sorry, Ino-chan! I was thinking about you so much that I lost control and really wanted to see you. Please forgive me! I'll buy you a five-star dinner for a whole week, and work at your flower shop for a whole month for free. I'm sorry." Naruto finished pathetically, his eyes wide and looking like they were watering. Sakura sweatdropped as she saw Ino turn red. There was no way that Ino would-

"Whatever restaurant I want, make it two weeks, and I'll forgive you." Sakura's jaw dropped. In contrast, Naruto leaped up and hugged Ino tightly.

"Thank you, Ino-chan!" Sakura was frozen to the spot, absolutely in shock.

_NO FREAKIN' WAY!_

A beeping sound broke over the sudden silence of the wrecked flower shop. Sakura looked around and smiled.

"Oh, it's me..." She pulled out her PKE meter and began scanning with it. Naruto grinned as Ino blinked.

"You got it working?"

"Yep, new model and everything," Sakura bragged happily. Ino frowned.

"What the heck is that thing?"

"It's a PKE meter... Um, a Psychokinetic Energy Meter," Naruto explained. At Ino's continuing mystified look, Sakura cleared her throat.

"It detects unusual spiritual phenomena. Ghosts, demons, psychics, you know..."

Naruto nodded with a grin. "It'll be the first part of our new business venture we're launching alongside becoming ninjas!"

"Which is?" Ino asked.

"Paranormal investigation and elimination," Sakura stated. "Or, Ghostbusting, to use a more colloquial term. Naruto, looks like that class five we've picked up a few times."

"Awesome! Can we try out the proton packs and the traps now?" Naruto asked eagerly. Sakura nodded with a smile.

"Definitely, they're in the back."

"Proton...? Is this anything like that science project you and Naruto made when you were ten?" Ino asked warily. Sakura shook her head.

"Oh no, not at all! These are far more precise, more powerful, and more advanced."

"Relax Ino, they won't explode like the last one did!" Naruto grinned... Coughing as his grin faltered, pulling on the proton pack.

"I hope..."

"Oh ye of little faith. C'mon, I got the car working again didn't I? And the containment unit," Sakura lectured. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, testing a lot of it on ME. Or Slimer."

"Don't be such a baby! C'mon, it's moving!"

"Why didn't we take the car?" Naruto whined as the party of himself, Sakura, Slimer, and Ino ran through the streets, attracting plenty of odd looks because of their bulky and strange equipment.

"Because, we could be worried that you might get distracted by the pretty girl in the flower shop window." Sakura said sarcastically, rather resentful that her womanizer (from her view) partner managed to get away scot free from a potential beating of his body and ego. Ino flushed at Sakura's comment, and decided to change the subject.

"So, uh...what are you going to do when you get to the ghost." Ino asked. Naruto and Sakura gave her disbelieving looks.

"We capture it, and seal it away. We'll build up a reputation as exorcists, and then we'll start charging people." Naruto said, as though it was completely obvious.

"This helps us in two ways. First, it'll earn us money." Ino rolled her eyes at this, but understood the need the two had for money. D-Rank missions were similar to side jobs, not really bread winners. "Secondly, Naruto will be able to build up his reputation, and he'll have public support when he becomes Hokage." Sakura continued, glancing at the PKE meter. "We're close."

"You guys really thought this out..." Ino murmured, a little surprised. Of course, she always knew Naruto and Sakura were planning something, but not really anything like this.

"Yeah, we did." Naruto gave a goofy grin to Ino, and then nodded appreciatively at Sakura. "Wouldn't be here today without her, though." Ino could see Sakura smiling at that.

"We're here, Naruto." The team stopped in front of the Konoha Library. Ino frowned as she felt something off. Naruto smirked as he got the photon gun ready.

"Let's rock."

* * *

"Excuse me, you can't bring that... Whatever it is in with you," the librarian at the front desk stated, looking over her glasses at the trio of humans and Slimer already in the middle of the library's first floor. Sakura ignored her, looking intently at her PKE meter, which left Naruto and Ino to try and negotiate with the unhappy clerk.

_Joy..._ Naruto thought with a mental sigh, though outside he put on his most charming smile.

"Sorry ma'am, he's our Nin... Ghost."

"Nin-Ghost?" She repeatedly incredulously. Next to him, Ino nodded.

"Yeah! Like a Nin-Dog, only a ghost."

"A ghost? That's preposterous, there's no such thing!" The librarian scoffed. Slimer looked depressed.

"Awwwww..."

"Oh, see, now you hurt his feelings," Naruto said disapprovingly, patting Slimer on the head. "There there, Slimer, she didn't mean it."

"Ma'am, have you noticed anything unusual occurring here lately? Books flying, strange ooze on surfaces, moaning?" Sakura asked in a business-like tone. The librarian raised an eyebrow.

"Well, we've had a few people report seeing some kind of... Woman's spirit floating around. But that's nonsense. There's no such thing as ghosts." The librarian glared at Naruto especially.

"I don't know what you're trying to pull, boy, but _that_ is not a ghost."

"Sure he is!" Naruto replied, charming smile still in place. It didn't seem to have any effect on the ancient librarian though. _Must be past menopause..._

"Well, if it's all right with you, we'll just be looking around for a bit," Naruto said easily. The librarian bristled.

"No, _you_ will not!"

Sakura adjusted the PKE meter a bit, and nodded. "Naruto, Ino, it's coming this way."

"Hm? Why?" Ino asked nervously. "I mean..."

Naruto and Sakura shared a look, and nodded.

"Probably because of Naruto," Sakura replied. "He's got a strong enough PKE signature that it attracts a lot of spectral entities simply by proximity."

"He does? How? Why?" Ino asked curiously. Naruto opened his mouth to explain, but somehow it turned into a warning shout on the way to his lips.

"LOOK OUT!" He yelled, tackling the surprised Ino to the floor. The librarian and other onlookers screamed as a terrifying, spectral woman with large gaping jaws and wild hair flew by, letting loose a horrible wail. Naruto hopped back up to his feet, all business, as a blushing Ino followed. The whiskered blond pulled the particle thrower from his proton pack and took aim.

"You know," he absently said, switching the pack on with a satisfying rumble, "we haven't had a fully successful test of this equipment yet."

"Well, no time like the present, correct?" Sakura asked, her own thrower out and proton pack humming. Ino gulped between the two best friends as the ghost woman continued to fly around, numerous people running and screaming for cover.

"Um, what's the worst that could happen?" Ino asked with a nervous giggle. Sakura shrugged.

"Well, we've ruled out total protonic reversal, sterility, and fatal levels of radiation..."

Ino just kind of stared in disbelief, as Naruto shook his head with a smirk.

"Sakura, how many times have I told you? If you're going to live on this planet, you need to learn the language. Relax Ino-chan, nothing bad's going to happen. To us anyway. Ready?"

"Ready," Sakura confirmed, as the ghost spotted them and dove, screaming horrifically.

"THROW IT!"

* * *

Murphy's Law is usually something you shouldn't mess with. That's why most organizations, like the MiB, when dealing with technology not matching the current society's, took safety precautions when testing them.

For example, evacuating everyone and everything in a fifty metre radius.

It was rather unfortunate, that they tried out the positron throwers on a rather emotionally distraught and very unstable ghost, in the Konoha Library, where there are many things in there that were irreplaceable. One can obviously see where this is going.

"Err...perhaps I should have carried the nine..." Sakura coughed, pulling herself out of the book shelf and the pile of fallen books from said shelf. The ghost had disappeared, but one glance at PKE meter showed that it was still in the general vicinity, just hiding.

"Oh, man..." Naruto groaned, blood running down his back. He had slammed into a glass cabinet, and then Ino slammed into him, causing some of the glass to dig deeper into his body.

"Naruto!" Ino shrieked, frantically getting off off him and pulling him out of the wreck. Naruto winced as he got up. It was times like these that he appreciated the demon's healing powers.

"Who the hell is that?" Naruto wondered aloud. "I've never seen any ghost be that angry! She must have one hell of an attachment to this library!"

"Either that, or she is trying to get rid of it." Sakura muttered darkly. "She's an Earthbound ghost, either way."

"Earthbound...?" Ino asked, trying to get over her shock. This was way too much!

"Earthbound ghosts are ghosts that have an attachment to certain locations or certain people. We've encountered a few, but we've never actually caught them. Convinced them to go to heaven or hell, or wherever they end up." Sakura explained, her eyes scanning the room, trying to find any sign of the ghost.

"They don't really cause any problems, usually just annoyances." Naruto said, gripping his photon gun tightly. "There was a ghost at the Academy of the old principal that took us awhile to get rid of. He would be freaking out at every broken rule, and followed troubled students around. But that's another story..."

Ino watched the two Ghostbusters, their bodies tense and eyes alert, constantly moving, never stopping their sweep of the main floor. She wished she could help, but-

Suddenly, she felt it. The rise of cold energy, the feeling of anger and spite surrounding her. She whirled around and felt more than saw where the source was.

"The basement!" A large bookcase that had not fallen over suddenly flew at her. She couldn't move, the anger in the air was so thick it was choking her. All she saw a flash before everything went dark.

"That's it." Naruto growled as he pushed the bookcase off his own body as he shielded the fainted Ino. "Sakura, I don't care what attachment that damn ghost has to this place, the moment it starts attacking my friends, it's dead." Skaura smirked. Naruto was completely serious now.

"Alright, let's kick some ectoplasmic posterior!" Sakura cheered. Naruto sighed.

"Sakura, remember to use the right language."

"First issue is figuring out why our proton packs aren't working," Sakura said, sitting down on a smashed bookcase and placing her pack down on the surface. "Cover me."

"Got it. _KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!_" Naruto shouted. A dozen more blonds appeared, two picking up the fainted Ino and carrying her behind the librarian's desk, which like the rest of the library was deserted. The original Naruto sat next to Sakura as his clones fanned out in a defense formation.

"Well?" Naruto asked. Sakura sighed.

"As you know, I've had to build a lot of the components to get these things working again from scratch."

"We've had to," Naruto pointed out. Sakura sighed again in irritation.

"Okay, okay, relax! Continue," the blond soothed.

"My main problem has been a lack of stable enough materials to project the proton streams," Sakura went on. She shook her head. "Steel just doesn't cut it, even when using an electromagnetic shaping field."

"Well," Naruto said thoughtfully, "wouldn't it be possible to use chakra to shape the streams? What about those seals we copied off the You Know What Scroll?"

"Naruto, we're the only ones here except for the ghost and a passed-out Ino," Sakura pointed out.

"We're also in a village full of ninja," Naruto countered. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Well, there is _one_ seal... It's a jutsu designed to channel large amounts of voltage in a small space. But I haven't finished all the calculations for such a thing!"

"Can't you just base the calculations off the ones in Spengler's notes?" Naruto asked. Sakura sighed.

"I can try..."

"Look, worst case scenario we all die. Best case scenario, we trap the ghost and Ino agrees to become my girlfriend, thus completing phase one of my plan to get a harem."

Naruto really thought the hit to the head was uncalled for at that, but he couldn't help but grin at Sakura's blush.

A few minutes of intensive number crunching and ink setting, Sakura held up her proton pack's thrower.

"If we die, I'm going to consume your ectoplasm and evolve into a class seven," Sakura threatened. Naruto smirked.

"Then I'll always be with you."

"Ugh," Sakura shuddered. She aimed at one of the windows, the device humming with power. She fired... And to the relief of both ninja/Ghostbusters, a perfectly controlled stream of energized particles left the barrel, blasting apart the window but otherwise causing no damage.

"Sakura-chan, we are officially in business," Naruto grinned.

* * *

_Cliffhanger! Feel free to use this as a starting prompt for your own story. Otherwise, you can look forward to more snippets._


	7. C is for Cookie, H is for Hair

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

* * *

At the age of eight, Hinata Hyuuga was already feeling the pressure of being the clan heiress. She had not yet activated her bloodline limit, while her cousin, Neji, already had. So, in an effort to prove herself, the thin girl went rummaging around the family jutsu scrolls until she found one that she thought she might be able to handle.

Which had brought her out to this isolated neck of Konoha's woods, slowly forming handseals and checking the scroll to make sure she was doing this right.,

"O-Okay," Hinata murmured as she finished the handseals, feeling the chakra flow through her. She double-checked the scroll, and nodded. "Here goes."

She closed her pale eyes, bit her thumb with a wince, and knelt down quickly, slamming her palm into the ground.

_"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"_

_POOF!_

Hinata opened her eyes, and waved her hands in front of her face to dispel some of the smoke. She coughed, blinking a few times, before something big, blue and furry came into view.

Two googly eyes stared at her, and she stared back.

"Ohhh... Why you summon Cookie Monster?" The creature said, looking depressed. "Me was just about to eat whole big plate of cookies!"

"Oh! I'm sorry, I just, um, well," Hinata began. The monster looked at Hinata, and then looked around.

"Hmmm... Nice place. Very sunny. Lots of trees." He looked back at Hinata. "Hey... Hey, you have any cookies?"

"Cookies?" Hinata asked, blankly. Cookie Monster's eyes wobbled as he gasped.

"You... You no know about _cookies?!_" He cried. At Hinata's timid nod, Cookie Monster swooned and held a hand up to his brow.

"Ohhh... This terrible! No wonder me summoned! Come on, me must show you!" Cookie Monster cried, grabbing Hinata's hand and pulling her along. "By way, where here?"

"Konoha Village... Um, Fire Country," she said. Cookie Monster blinked, then shrugged.

"Me not know where is. But! Me okay! Say, you must not know bestest song in world!"

"Bestest song...?" Hinata asked.

_Four years later..._

"Geez..." Sakura murmured, looking down at the Chuunin Preliminaries, and Hinata's open jacket as she fought Neji. "How the heck did she get so stacked?! I mean, _look_ at her!"

"I don't know," Ino said, eyes narrowed. "I mean... What does she eat that we don't?"

Hinata fell back, panting in exertion. Neji sneered contemptuously at his cousin.

"Hinata-sama, you are as weak as I imagined," he stated. "You are not fit to be heiress!"

Naruto's exhortations to do better still in her mind, Hinata's eyes narrowed.

"Th-There's more than one way to win a battle!" She cried, and formed handseals. She bit her thumb and slammed her palm down into the hard stone floor. "_KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!_"

_POOF!_

All eyes in the arena were drawn to the large, blue, furry monster in the center. Neji's eyes widened, and he paled even more.

"Oh no... Not _him_," he mumbled.

"Cookie Monster! Neji hates cookies and thinks they're all horrible!" Hinata cried. The googly-eyed monster snarled.

"WHAT?! Me teach him lesson! ARUM NUM NOM NOM OM NOM!"

"ARGH! NO! NOT THE HAIR! ANYTHING BUT THE HAIR!"

Naruto stared in shock at the beaming smile Hinata now wore (as did everyone else). A funny feeling arose in his stomach as Hinata cheered her summon on. Eventually, Neji begged for mercy in order to keep what little hair he had left, and Hinata was declared the winner. She hugged her summon and laughed, before both launched into an unusual song.

"_C IS FOR COOKIE, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! C IS FOR COOKIE, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! C IS FOR COOKIE, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! OHHH, COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE STARTS WITH C!"_

Tenten looked at Neji, weeping over his hair, and then looked at Hinata with her adorable monster. She then recalled how Sasuke had acted in the Forest of Death, and came to an inescapable conclusion:

"All ninjas with doujutsu are freaking insane," she mumbled. Naruto slowly nodded.

"Yep..."

* * *

_Just for fun, heheh._


	8. Stargate: Konoha 1

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

This is a bit I wrote for my other Naruto story, _Stargate: Konoha._ It's how I intend the main story to occur, but I'm having trouble writing the bridge between the beginning to this part, as I'm not sure how much to show of the time between Naruto falling through the Stargate and Sakura figuring out how to get it working so they can go after him. With that in mind, please enjoy this bit and tell me what you think.

* * *

"Symbol 1, encoded..."

The seal array hummed beneath Sakura's feet, the carved lines into the stone glowing with power. She took deep breaths, shifting her equipment vest and pack again. Sasuke nearby stood in silence, as did Kakashi, the epitome of control.

She envied them. She couldn't stand still, fidgeting in nervousness despite the fact that all of her equations had checked out five times.

"Symbol 2, encoded..."

Getting the Stargate here from Snow Country had been no easy task. Nor had figuring out how to power it, or even operate it. The dialing device was both computer and power source, and the damage it had suffered had rendered it inoperable.

But she'd pressed on. She'd understood how it worked, as though by instinct. Pumping her chakra into the control crystals, she'd traced the energy, how it reacted and flowed.

With Jiraiya and Tsunade and the research division of ANBU behind her they'd put together a working, chakra-seal based system to both power and control the _chappa'ai_. The Stargate.

"Symbol 3 encoded..."

Team 8 stood nearby, all equipped with vests, all with specialized packs and brand new gear. Hinata was looking determined, trembling every so often in anxiety-Not in fear, but in impatience. Shino was cool and collected as usual. Only Kiba and Akamaru seemed visibly anxious, the dear little pup looking apprehensively at the Stargate.

There had been so many volunteers for this. Every Rookie, a number of jounin, Shizune-Even Gaara of the Sand and ninjas of Snow Country had been willing to go.

All just to go and find Naruto. To bring him home.

"Symbol 5, encoded..."

Tsunade, however, had been adamant-Team 7 and Team 8 would go. One due to their familiarity with Naruto, the other because they were a recon team. The training for the last six months they'd all gone through had been difficult. Hell, she'd come up with a lot of them herself, drawing knowledge seemingly out of nowhere.

Training for arriving in a vacuum. Training for desert climates. Training for arriving in a volcanic hellstorm. Training for how to interact with the natives, and learning the strange language that had been found on the walls of the chamber the Stargate had been found in.

Sakura was, unfortunately, the only one actually fluent in this language. Even with their Sharingans, learning languages was difficult for Sasuke and Kakashi. Hinata and Shino had learned a fair amount but nowhere near conversational, and Kiba had just said the hell with it and not bothered.

Which left Sakura as the person they would rely on for communication, potentially with the very people who created the Stargate.

"Symbol 7... Locked."

A mechanical whine sounded twice in the underground chamber, and with a burst of energy the Stargate flared to life, a water-like surge leaping out of the alien artifact and being drawn in, coalescing into a watery, shimmering surface. Sakura let out a held breath, and smiled-It worked. It _worked!_

"Good job," Kakashi murmured.

"See? Nothing to it," Kiba grinned, as though her anxiety had been the only one. Shino nodded, Hinata smiled brightly at her. Sasuke grunted and nodded, which was absent of the heart fluttering such an action would usually cause in Sakura. She blinked and rubbed her eyes.

It _had_ been a while...

_"Okay, Team 7, Team 8,"_ Tsunade stated over the intercom from the control room above them, protected with seal-reinforced glass. She stood behind several ANBU researchers and technicians, channeling their chakra energy into the seal array.  
_  
"You are clear to proceed."_

Kakashi nodded and stepped towards the Stargate. He briefly glanced at it with his Sharingan, and shook his head.

"What can you see?" Sakura asked, as she glanced to Hinata. The Hyuuga girl nodded and activated her Byakugan.

"Nothing... My gaze can't penetrate it," Kakashi spoke. Hinata shook her head.

"N-Neither can mine..."

"Good," Sakura stated. Kakashi glanced at her. Sakura shrugged.

"Well, if you could, then my calculations would be wrong..."

Kakashi nodded, point made. He recovered his eye and took a deep breath.

"One small step," he murmured with a shrug, and stepped through the Stargate. He vanished into the event horizon (as Sakura had dubbed it), the tension returning to Sakura's shoulders.

A few seconds later...

"_I'm through."_

Her sensei's voice over the radio elicited a sigh of relief from Sakura, and cheers from the control room. Tsunade smiled.

"Excellent, Kakashi... Status?

_"Wooded area... Blue sky... Green grass... Looks like... One sun, and I can see a small moon nearby,_" Kakashi reported. Sakura grinned.

"Yes! That's exactly how the wall carvings described it!"

_"Very well... Team 7, Team 8? You have a go."_

"Well then... LET'S GO, AKAMARU!" Kiba laughed in glee, running and leaping through the Stargate with his partner barking in agreement. Sasuke snorted and leaped through as well without a second glance backward. Shino headed through in much the same way. Sakura and Hinata stepped up to the 'Gate, and looked at eachother, as one.

"We're... We're going to bring him home," Hinata said quietly, smiling at her. Sakura returned it, and nodded.

"We are," she stated firmly. She took a deep breath, and entered the Stargate at the same time as Hinata.

There were stars, the briefest glance of countless stars, a tunnel of light, an impression of the deepest cold imaginable-

"UWAH!"

And Sakura found her face meeting soil, tumbling out of the Stargate. Her skin was freezing, and she shivered violently alongside Hinata, who had rolled against her.

"Oh, you're here," A familiar voice said. Sakura, rubbing her arms, looked up slowly to see her sensei giving her his traditional eye smile. She narrowed her eyes angrily at the frost all over Kakashi's mask and clothing.

"Y-Y-You didn't mention th-this!" Sakura got out through chattering teeth. Kakashi shrugged.

"Slipped my mind," he said cheerfully.

"I h-hate you, s-so much," Sakura got out._ First things first..._

Sakura got up, trying to ignore the icy chill clinging to her skin, and walked over to the dialing device. Passing the cringing Kiba and stoic (as ever) Shino, she looked over the controls. Frowning, she scrutinized each symbol, withdrawing a small notebook and thumbing through the pages. Kakashi silently came up behind her, as did Sasuke. Team 8 clustered on the other side of the device.

"Well?" Kiba asked. "Can we get home with it or not?"

Sakura nodded, pulling a pencil out of her weapon's pouch and writing down some information. "Yes... See, here? This is the final symbol needed... The Point of Origin."

"Point of origin?" Kiba asked, blinking. "I thought this was like a... A telephone or something. Just dial a specific number."

"Yes, but the symbols also refer to specific stellar coordinates," Shino spoke. "Point of origin is where the wormhole forms from."

"Kind of like alerting the other Stargate where you're coming from," Sakura explained. She finished her notes and memorized the coordinates, before tucking her notebook back into her pouch. She turned to Kakashi.

"Well, shall we begin?"

"Hinata," Kakashi stated. Hinata activated her bloodline, familiar veins emerging around her eyes as she scanned... But she began to tremble.

"S-Something's... Something's wrong," she said. "I..."

"What? What can you see?" Sakura asked.

"I can't...!" Hinata's Byakugan abruptly gave out, and she slumped to the ground. Shino and Kiba stooped to keep her from falling.

"Hinata!" Sakura rounded the dialing device and knelt down next to her. "What's wrong?"

"I dunno! She just..."

"Arf!" Akamaru barked warningly. "Arf arf!"

Kakashi and Sasuke turned around, looking ahead, away from the Gate. Kakashi's eye narrowed.

"We're being watching," Kakashi spoke. He made handseals, and knelt down.

"SUMMONING JUTSU!" He cried, slamming his hand into the ground... But nothing happened. Everyone's eyes widened.

"My chakra... There's something wrong with it," Sasuke growled.

"I cannot access mine either," Shino stated as though only speaking about the weather. Kiba growled, forming handseals. No effect was produced from whatever jutsu he was trying.

"Just what the hell is going on?" Kiba demanded. Kakashi's answer was garbled as a shot of purple energy lashed out, striking him dead-on. Men garbed in gray armor and featureless masks rushed out of hiding, firing more purple energy blasts from cobra-shaped weapons.

"Sakura, look-AUGH!" Sasuke cried out, his throw of a kunai stopped by a single shot. Shino and Kiba rose, throwing kunai. Akamaru rushed out to attack with his teeth. Shino's insects rose up and scattered, a disorganized cloud that still obeyed the command of their master.

It didn't help. Nothing helped. They all went down, Shino's insects being blasted by staff-like weapons spouting yellow flames. Sakura trembled as the warriors surrounded her, and now she began to note the details on their masks.

Dull gray, flat, and only with thinly cut eyes to otherwise mark them, they reminded her uncomfortably of Haku's mask.

"I... I surrender," she spoke in the language she had learned from the Stargate's tomb. "We are peaceful explorers from-!"

"Silence! You are trespassers," barked one of the soldiers, his mask slightly lighter in color than the others. "You are in Ama no Uzume-sama's domain. You are to be held prisoner until she determines your fate."

"But we-We're from-!"

She was struck in the back of the head, and went down, stars in her eyes.

"Silence! Bring them!"

Sakura heard the shrill cry of one of those cobra-shaped weapons, and felt intense, horrifying pain. She screamed loudly as her body mercifully shut down her conscious mind, fading into darkness.

* * *

The Tok'ra cargo ship was long gone, but Naruto could still feel the tingle of the ring beaming system as he stealthily made his way through the forest canopy. He grimaced-He'd never liked being beamed. The idea that his entire body was being "shifted" and converted to energy, and then reconverted at the end of the process?

It didn't bother him that the Stargate did that, but for some reason the rings always did.

_Let's see..._ Naruto checked his map, pausing on a branch. He verified where he was going and as he resumed his journey, ran his mission briefing through his head again. _Ama no Uzume, Japanese goddess of persuasion... Currently a minor Goa'uld who has been working on a new type of Deathglider for her forces using unknown technology. While fewer in number, her fighters are supposed to be far superior to Deathgliders and Stargate-capable. Mission is to investigate reports and bring back intelligence on these fighters, as well as find out how Ama no Uzume has been finding the infiltrators who get into her fortress._

The Tok'ra had personally requested Naruto for this job-And only Naruto. The rest of SG-1 and General Hammond had protested, but given his abilities and the fact that five Tok'ra operatives had been found and killed trying to get in, they thought he was the perfect man for the job.

He'd been with the SGC for seven months, and had been training in how they fought for at least six. Thanks to Kage Bunshin he could pick up Air Force tactics and order of battle while he himself trained physically. Granted, he couldn't learn _everything_ easily (Carter teaching him mathematics had been very difficult, even with a group of clones to all work out the problems she gave them), but General Hammond had pronounced Naruto as someone who could qualify for the US Air Force Academy pretty easily.

Hence why they decided to send him in, though they hadn't been too happy about it.

_"Hey, don't worry Colonel," he'd said cheerfully to Jack, as he got ready for the mission in the locker room. "It'll be easy. In and out, right? Not a problem, believe it!"_

_Jack raised an eyebrow, and Naruto coughed._

_"Er, it was the closest translation I could find... We all need catchphrases, right?_

_"And where did you learn that?" Jack asked flatly. Naruto shrugged._

_"Television, where else?"_

_"For crying out loud," Jack muttered. He sighed and shook his head. "Look, Naruto. You don't have to do this."_

_"What do you mean I don't have to do this?" Naruto asked. "I mean, won't this make the Tok'ra owe us one?"_

_"Yes, but they don't really think of it as owing us... They just think we're their cheerful little tools." Jack snorted. "Like a kinder, friendlier version of the Goa'uld-"_

_"But still assholes," Naruto said with Jack at the same time. He grinned, and the colonel allowed a smile back._

_"Just be careful out there," Jack stated. "And come back alive."_

_"I always am... What's that look for?"_

Naruto smiled and did a forward flip as he caught sight of the Goa'uld's fortress-A weird blending of Japanese and Egyptian architecture that made the whole thing look very sinister.

_There we are..._

This mission would be easy. Get in, snap some pictures, and get out. He was a ninja, after all! The best ninja Konoha had, the first ninja Konoha had going out to other planets!

Albeit unintentionally, but still! He'd make them proud. And when he got back, he was going to be so awesome...

A flicker of chakra lit up in his senses, and he paused. "Huh?"

He turned in the direction of the contact and focused. Nothing.

_Coulda sworn..._ Naruto shook his head and resumed his trek. It was probably his imagination...

* * *

The Jaffa had actually managed to spot him before he jumped him. The ANBU-like mask he was wearing had given Naruto enough of a shock for the warrior to spot him sneaking up behind him.

He'd still kicked his ass regardless though. He then henged himself into the guard, and waltzed on in.

But still... It was _freaky_.

_Like Haku... Lots of Haku... Only not looking like girls,_ he thought to himself as he traversed the compound, mimicking the body language of the other guards. He turned off into a section of the fortress, trying to recall how to find the computers.

_Computer terminal, computer terminal..._

Naruto glanced around casually, seeing that no one was taking much notice of him, and ducked into another corridor.

"Mar'ika... Mar'ika, come in," Naruto muttered into his radio.

_"This is Mar'ika. Naruto Uzumaki, what is your status?"_ The tight-beam communications signal came through.

"Lost and in the middle of Jaffa Central, you?" Naruto quipped. The Tok'ra on the other end smiled a bit. Yes, that was SG-1's work all right...

_"I have your location. You are nearby a computer terminal. Go down to the third door on your right, and enter."_

"Thanks."

_"In addition, there were some people who came through the Stargate and were immediately captured,_" Mar'ika went on. Naruto frowned even as he went down the hallway.

"People?"

_"Yes. They seemed to be wearing headbands similar to yours, though it was difficult to spot without my full sensors,_" Mar'ika continued. He checked his sensor readings and frowned-His cargo ship was cloaked and so far, Ama no Uzume's defenses had not detected him. But even with the tight-beam communications...

Naruto frowned. "... Where were they taken?"

* * *

Sakura groaned as she slowly came to, feeling a soft, silky bed beneath her bare skin. Instinctively she snuggled into the covers, thinking she was back at home.

"You awaken," a strangely modulated voice said. Sakura opened her eyes, and sat up, looking around frantically.

One, this was not her room-It was gold-colored, opulent, with silken bed sheets and elegant murals drawn everywhere. Second...

"Who... Who are you?! Where am I?" Sakura demanded of the red-headed woman sitting before her. She wore a mask like the ones the warriors had been wearing, only pure white and with red streaks on either side of her cheeks. _Like whiskers_, she immediately connected.

The woman stood up, showing off her impressive height and equally impressive figure, barely concealed by a flowing garment of deep reds and sheer silks. She looked at Sakura intently, and spoke again.

"You are not like the others..."

"The-? Where are they?! What have you done with them?!" Sakura demanded, standing up herself and ignoring her nudity.

"... And where are my clothes?!" She demanded after she noticed, yanking up a sheet to conceal herself. The woman laughed.

"They are unharmed... And will continue to be so, if you cooperate," she stated. "I am Ama no Uzume... This is my world, my dominion. And you... You are a Haruno, are you not?"

Sakura glowered. The woman laughed again, turning and walking to the side of the bed.

"There is little you can conceal from me, child... I have been to your world... I _ruled_ it once, with my siblings," Ama stated, regarding Sakura through her mask.

"Many were slaughtered when the Beasts arose... But some, like myself, were imprisoned for disagreements with the Three... Such as the one who gave birth to your line... _Harcesis_," she ended in a hiss. Sakura blinked, confused.

"'The one who knows the secrets'?" Sakura translated. Ama chuckled.

"Indeed... You possess fragments of the knowledge of the Goa'uld... Contained within a ghost of a god..." She raised her hand up, the elaborate golden jewelry adorning it lighting up. Sakura gasped and tried to back away, but the power of the device froze her.

"Speak, ghost," Ama ordered. Sakura's eyes widened as her inner rose to the surface of her mind, and assumed control. She bowed her head, and raised it, and Sakura could do nothing but watch through her own eyes as her Inner took charge.

"What the hell do you want, false god?" Inner Sakura snarled. Ama laughed.

"Ah, you are a spirited one, made bitter through each generation... Kiyohime, I name you," the Goa'uld stated. Inner Sakura lunged forward to punch Ama, but the Goa'uld caught her fist and shoved her back onto the bed.

"DAMNIT!" Inner Sakura roared.

"That you have discovered how to operate the Stargate is alone impressive," Ama spoke. "Due nearly entirely to you, no doubt... I could make use of one such as you."

Sakura reasserted herself, as though pushing a revolving door and arriving in control of her body, as she looked up and glowered at the Goa'uld.

"To do what?"

"I would think of something," Ama replied, a smirk in her voice. "In fact, your companions would all be very useful to me. I am creating an army, after all... An army to crush the System Lords."

"System Lords?" Sakura asked, even as the knowledge appeared in her mind. _Rulers of the Goa'uld..._

"Yes... I will give you time to consider my offer... Have no fear, your companions will be kept safe... I require them, after all."

"And if I refuse? ... If any of us refuse?" Sakura spat back. Ama chuckled.

"I have in my possession four of the most powerful bloodlines from Konoha, and a Harcesis. You will serve me, one way or another... Whether that service is pleasant or not, depends entirely upon you."

With that, Ama vanished in a puff of smoke, and Sakura was left alone. She stared at the spot the Goa'uld had stood... Before getting up and searching her room for a means of escape.

... As well as some clothes.

* * *

Jack O'Neill could be patient when needed. You don't survive being in USAF Black Ops without developing that skill.

But situations like these were never covered in his training. Hell, this wasn't even considered as a possibility.

Your "adopted son" off-world, on a solo reconnaissance mission pushed by a bunch of snakes... He sat in the mess hall, food untouched.

"Jack..." Daniel said. Jack turned and looked over at Daniel.

"Mm?"

"You're tapping again," he stated. Jack looked down at his fingers, and stopped. Carter, across the table, offered him a sympathetic look.

"He still has five hours before his first scheduled check in, sir. There's been no indication that the mission isn't going as planned..."

"Yeah, but these are the Tok'ra we're talking about. Remember? Happy to screw us over if it suits their purposes?" Jack stated. He turned his eyes to Carter.

"Your dad excluded, of course."

"Right sir," Carter said. "Still, this is Naruto we're talking about..."

"Yeah..." Jack looked down at his untouched food, poking at his Jell-O with his spoon. "How's Teal'c?"

"He hasn't reported back in either, but-" Daniel began, as Jack interrupted.

"He still has plenty of time. Right..."

* * *

_Yeah, the problem with Stargate: Konoha is that I have so many ideas for how to take the story but I need to bridge them from the beginning to this point. So, I may just write the story from here in "Ramen Doodles" until I can put the whole thing together._


	9. Stargate: Konoha 2

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

* * *

Kiba groaned as he slowly felt his senses return. He ached all over, and his head was pounding. Next to him, he could feel Akamaru, hear him whimpering as he awoke with his master.

"Unghh... Goddamn..." He slowly opened his eyes. They widened, as he saw absolutely nothing.

"Oh shit... Oh shit..."

_Stay calm, stay calm!_ He mentally shouted to himself. His chakra may have been acting weird right now, but his instincts and duties remained the same-_Protect the pack._

He sniffed the air. At least his enhanced sense of smell still worked.

_Okay... Shino's here... But where is everyone else?_ He strained his ears, but he couldn't hear anyone else. Wherever they were, the room was soundproofed.

"Kiba," Shino's calm voice emerged in the darkness. Kiba gulped.

"Shino? I... I can't see."

"Neither can I," Shino said, as thought simply talking about the weather. Kiba slowly sat up, hand instinctively reaching to Akamaru to rub his head comfortingly.

"You know where we are?"

"A cell of some sort," Shino said. "We are completely sealed in. My insects have determined no means of escape."

"The others?" Kiba asked. Shino was silent for a moment.

"I have been unable to locate them. Something within the cell is preventing me from contacting my allies I placed on them," the Aburame reported. Kiba grimaced.

Kiba formed a few handseals, an old academy exercise designed to shape and bring out chakra, like working with modeling clay. Rather than the familiar feeling of his energy moving within him, as natural as breathing, all he gets is a whisper of his power, and nothing else.

"Just... What the hell is this?" Kiba muttered. "It's like our chakra is just..."

"Gone," Shino murmured. Kiba can imagine the puzzled frown his friend is wearing right now.

"Wish Sakura was here... She could probably figure out what was going on..." He tried not to speculate on what might be happening to her, but the worry twisted inside his gut like razor blades.

When he first met her, Kiba had thought of Sakura as little more than some weak know-it-all, who was going to meet her end fangirling over the Uchiha. Even after the Chuunin Exams, she hadn't changed all that much. Still had to be rescued, still pined after the Uchiha.

After Naruto vanished though... He remembered seeing her walking through the gates of the village, the covered Stargate being rolled in behind her, every aspect of her body language transformed. She walked with purpose now, clear purpose.

She's worked the hardest out of anyone in the village to get the Stargate working. Even with instinctive knowledge he knew she didn't understand, knew she even feared a little, she pressed herself harder than anyone else. He'd passed the door to the lab she'd taken for her own underneath the Hokage Monument Mountain and seen her scribbling on chalkboards and scrolls, doing calculations with computers, even an abacus, all day and well into the night. In between training sessions he'd watch her, unable to understand much about anything she was doing but strangely fascinated.

The Uchiha stopped by once in a while, but he didn't _do_ anything. He just watched Sakura work herself to exhaustion, and then leave.

Kiba couldn't understand it. He was Inuzuka. You looked after your packmembers, period. After seeing she wasn't allowing herself breaks, he took it upon himself to go into her lab, and drag her off to get some real food. The first time was rather memorable.

He'd walked into her lab. Sakura was pushing up her new reading glasses to rub her tired eyes, sitting at the desk. While she did, he walked over, grabbed her around the waist, and thrown her over his shoulder.

"ACK! K-Kiba! What the hell are you doing?!" She'd demanded, slamming her fists into his back. "Put me down!"

"I'll put you down in the cafeteria," he'd stated flatly.

"Damnit Kiba I have work to do-!"

"It'll still be there when you've eaten," Kiba stated flatly. Sakura kicked and struggled for a bit longer, and then began screaming at him as they went down the hallways, her face burning bright red in humiliation when other people in the complex saw her. She had actually refused to eat when he'd set her down at a table in the cafeteria, until he'd threatened to tickle her until she did so. Even then, it took five minutes of tickling to get her to take a bite. He reflected she had a nice laugh, a nice smell...

"We've gotta get out of here... Find the others..." Kiba said, trying to focus on the here and now. He almost expected Shino to begin laying out the difficulties inherent in doing all that-They were locked up, they were blind, they had no jutsu capability and they had no idea what they were up against...

He could feel Shino's nod. "Agreed."

"So... What's the plan?" Kiba asked.

"It is likely they will wish to interrogate us," Shino said. "It is likely they have no idea where we come from."

"Right," Kiba said. He rubbed Akamaru's head. "You okay, boy?"

The ninken made a human-sounding groan in response. Kiba grimaced.

"He's still pretty out of it..."

Akamaru softly barked a few times.

"His chakra feels wonky too... Like it's hovering out of his reach and he can't grab it."

"An apt metaphor," Shino mused. "What could be causing it?"

"Not a clue," Kiba mumbled. "But... You could feel the change the moment we stepped through the 'Gate, couldn't you?"

Shino slowly nodded. "I could..."

"It's like..." Kiba tried to come up with the right words. "It's like..."

A door opened, and Kiba froze. He heard a body fall to the floor. It smelled like the same men as before, yet... Something was different.

"Like... Your chakra's got no anchor?" A male voice asked. Kiba started, and looked in the direction of the voice.

"Who the hell are you?"

An audible poof, the smell of smoke... Then _Fox, ramen, explosive powder..._

"... Naruto?!" Kiba hissed. He could hear a laugh. It was familiar, Naruto's, yet... Changed. Wry, deeper... Like an older man laughing.

"The one and only..." He felt Naruto kneel down and heard the grimace in his voice. "Shit, they got you with a grenade..."

"How did you find us?" Shino asked.

"Where the fuck have you been anyway?!" Kiba demanded. Naruto sighed.

"Look, it's a long story and I don't want to have to repeat it so I'll tell you all when we find everyone, okay? I promise."

"That will be problematic. We are blind," Shino said.

"Don't worry, your eyes will start working again soon... Though it'll hurt like hell," Naruto said. Kiba slowly stood up, Akamaru clambering into his arms.

"I take it you know these guys?"

"Sort of," Naruto said. "I know Jaffa weaponry... That's what they're called, by the way... Though these guys have some stuff I haven't seen before."

Kiba heard some sort of device being fiddled with, then a loud blast combined with the smell of ozone. He jumped and Akamaru yelped.

"What the hell was that?!" Kiba demanded. He could definitely see again, but it was all moving shadows and points of light, slowly coming back into focus. A black blob with a yellow head made what looked like a shrugging motion.

"Staff... Pistol, I guess you could call it," Naruto said. He pushed an object into Kiba's hands, and he gripped a handle.

"Some information on the problems with our chakra would be pertinent right now," Shino said. Naruto nodded and wandered over, handing another staff pistol to Shino.

"Okay... Near as Sam-nee-chan's been able to figure out-"

"Sam-nee-chan?" Kiba asked. Naruto shrugged.

"Long story... She thinks that because our planet has so much chakra in it that everyone on it is kind of like one half of a circuit. Our energy keeps flowing in and out of our surroundings."

"So how'd you henge?" Kiba asked, now able to see their surroundings pretty clearly. Naruto stood there, dressed in black, wearing a vest and boots with foreign patches on them. He could see he still wore his forehead protector though, tied around his neck very much like Hinata wore hers.

"Well... I had to learn how to make myself into a circuit, basically," Naruto explained. Shino nodded.

"Our chakra flows within our bodies, but has been kept moving by our planet without us even noticing that when we are offworld, the flow is thrown off?"

"More or less, I think Sam's going to like you," Naruto said with a grin. Kiba looked down at the weapon in his hands, and Naruto coughed.

"Okay, just point the tip of the weapon at the badguy, and pull the trigger. Very simple," Naruto explained. "Who else came with you?"

"Sakura, Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke, and Hinata," Shino reported. Naruto nodded grimly.

"All right... Let's see if we can find them next. Follow my lead." Naruto henged into a Jaffa again, and looked around out of the cell. Seeing only unconscious guards, he motioned for Shino and Kiba to follow. They did so, both left with a large number of questions they kept in check. Now wasn't the time.

* * *

_A little bit more for Stargate: Konoha. More to come. The polished versions of these snippets will go into the main story._


	10. Stargate: Konoha with Transformers

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

This snippet was written by myself and Fanboyimus Prime. Among the additional crossovers into Stargate: Konoha that I have considered is with _Transformers._ Primarily based upon the movie-verse with elements of G1 thrown in. So, consider this a possible chapter in the real story, if enough people are interested or if I myself decide to go with it.

* * *

Swindle looked at the red haired Gou'ald through his vid-screen, separated by thousands of lightyears. She was the best source of energy for his faction of the Decepticons, and even trickier then Banzai-Tron. And Banzai-Tron was a master of Crystalocution for Cybertrons sake! It made dealing with her a challenge and a slagging pain in the tailpipe.

However, as the desolate surroundings of Cybertron outside the command bunker reminded him, he had little choice in the matter. Megatron was gone, and without him, the Decepticons had warred on Cybertron for the last million years. Starscream and the few Decepticons who would follow him had left aboard the _Nemesis_ centuries ago to search for him, but any hope of their return had long since faded. And so, while the majority of their race had either perished or migrated to the stars, the Decepticons and a few Autobot and Independent factions remained to continue the battle over the husk of their once proud homeworld.

"Why should I give your faction any more naquadah?" Ama No Uzume asked in that strange flanged tone unique to the Goa'uld. "Given the fighters are behind schedule."

"If your shipments came on time, we could step up our production rate," Swindle hissed. The Goa'uld's mask hid her face, but the Decepticon had talked to her enough to recognize the change in her voice that meant she was smirking.

"It is not my fault you lost the Stargate," she calmly replied.

Swindle growled. "You did not do your part to protect your investment!"

"I believe you made it clear: You did not want any, what was it you called my troops and I? 'Filthy organics' upon the slagged remains of your once lovely world?" Ama no Uzume hissed. "Now I must rely on ships, and that is far more dangerous."

"You rely on your enemy's ships," Swindle growled. "You send them, threatening to expose us to the System Lords with every single one you send! We are not your trap!"

"You do not believe you could defeat the System Lords?" Ama asked. "What happened to the mighty Decepticon Empire? More empty words, Swindle?"

Suddenly, two red dots appeared on the Goa'uld's chest and between her eyes. Ama No Uzume didn't seem particularly shocked at them being there. Swindle made the Cybertronian equivalent of a smirk as he saw this.

"The question you should ask," Ravage said appearing out of the shadows in the screen's view,"is do you want the Decepticon Empire angry with you?"

Ama merely smirked, as she tapped a control on her armrest. A burst of Energon radiation flooded the room, and Ravage was thrown to the floor, twitching and sputtering.

The sizzle of circuits filled the room. Sparks crossed Ravage's body.

_Note: Invest in an organic covered alt mode_, Swindle thought.

"Your agent is skilled, but sloppy. I have my own means of ferreting out people's weaknesses," she stated calmly. "Imagine… The raw form of refined energon is actually dangerous to your kind…"

"Good help is very hard to find," Swindle noted dryly.

Ravage looked vaguely offended, even as he laid upon the floor of Ama's throne room.

"So is good leadership," Ravage hissed.

"So far, I am not particularly impressed with your faction, Swindle. It makes me wonder how you even managed to take the Stargate," Ama said with a cold, queenly smile. "There are other Decepticons who might be more... Efficient, than you."

"You mean like Onslaught...I know that guy really well..." Swindle stated.

Ama nearly snorted. She knew _exactly_ how well Swindle knew Onslaught.

"Hmm... He is cold, logical, but really, his disdain towards the organic offends me," Ama stated flatly. She formed a Rasengan, tattoos on her arms Swindle had thought merely decorative glowing in response.

"Starscream is lost, hopefully for good. The arrogant fool had only the leftovers," she sniffed. "That leaves only a few other candidates…"

"Most organics can't do that!" Swindle said in shock.

Ama smirked. "There is so much you Cybertronians do not know of organics." She tossed the Rasengan back and forth between her hands.

"If Megatron wasn't lost, there would be _much_ you would learn of the Decepticons," Ravage said with a dark timber, rising to his feet. Ama's guards had, by this point, arrived, and pointed their weapons at the Decepticon spy.

"Yes… But he is gone now. Your race stands upon the brink of extinction. I do not wish to see this, your people have so _very_ much to offer," Ama purred. "So… Here is what is going to happen."

"Swindle, you will complete my new fighters or your faction will find its best source of energy cut off. And if you try to take it by force... Well... We all know how that turned out the last time," Ama stated, before hurling the Rasengan with pinpoint accuracy. She blasted Ravage into the wall with a loud boom.

"I do not tolerate fools or weaklings. Demonstrate that you are neither, and we can both get what we want," Ama finished.

Ravage bristled at this, glaring hatefully at the smirking Goa'uld. The armored doors to the throne room opened behind him.

"Now get out."

She closed the transmission.

_I have got to steal a nuke into there,_ Swindle thought.

He interfaced with the communications device again. A few moments later, the face of Onslaught appeared.

"I saw everything," the other Decepticon said. "Her ability is....interesting. I do wonder if it is in her DNA or in nanotech in her tatoos...possibly a mix of both. That has...possibilities."

"Does that mean you want her to see Jhiaxus?" Swindle asked.

Onslaught nodded. Jhiaxus definitely would want to see what made her tick. The other organics of the female's species they had captured had yielded a few interesting things, but nothing like what Ama no uzume had just revealed. That made her even more fascinating… For an organic, anyway.

Swindle laughed.

"All I wanted was for her to be reduced to lubrication fluid...but that's even better."

"_Indeed."_ The Decepticon strategist shifted gears. "_Ramjet is making things more difficult,"_ Onslaught stated. _"Dreadwing is producing even more drones to reinforce the Stargate. We are severely outnumbered."_

"You have a plan?" Swindle asked. Onslaught snorted.

"_Of course I have a plan… The best part of it is that that female meatbag may have provided us with the means."_

"Oh?" Swindle asked.

"_I can say no more… Not over this channel,"_ Onslaught said. Swindle grimaced.

"Very well… We will rendezvous in ten cycles, point Beta. Swindle out."

* * *

Ravage was escorted out of the base by the Jaffa, let despite this humilating experience, he wore a smirk the whole way to the gates.

That Gou'ald was foolish to show off in front of Swindle. Before, she was merely an irritating but needed resource. Now, she had something… Special. Something unique.

Something that would make Jhiaxus desperately wish to get his manipulators onto her. Ravage already had several skin cell samples to start off the testing.

_Humans_, Ravage thought. _Only a species like them literally gives off a cloud of pieces of themselves._

Outside the gates, Ravage gave a toothy smirk to the guards, and turned to head for the Stargate. His cloak technology would allow him to pass through Ramjet's defenses with ease once he arrived back on Cybertron. However, it would still require some time before it was fully operational.

As he approached it, however, he could sense the ancient teleportation device begin to activate. Moving quickly, Ravage took cover among the massive trees surrounding the Stargate. He felt naked without his cloak, but his dark coloring allowed him a measure of invisibility. He was satisfied to notice that Ama no Uzume's Jaffa ringing the Stargate's meadow were none the wiser.

Even without his cloak, he had far more experience than these pitiful organics could hope to have.

The Stargate activated, and Ravage watched a group of three human females, four males, and dog emerge from the event horizon, shivering from the cold. The pink-haired one got up and got to the dialing device, and Ravage could tell by her movements she was the tech of the group. She looked over the DHD with an expert's eye. Another's energy signature changed, and Ravage narrowed his optics, scanning several different spectrums.

_Interesting_, Ravage thought. _One of them is trying to use that same energy Ama used… _But the organic failed, leaving her shocked and weak.

The others attempted to channel the energy as well, but were also shocked to find they could not utilize it. It was as if the energy was dispersing before they wanted it to.

_The tattoos on Ama's arms… _They had to be connected to Ama's usage of this energy. What allowed her to channel this energy from the world where she was from. This was vital intelligence.

Ravage snuck away from the group as Ama no Uzume's Jaffa entered the meadow. They were taking the humans prisoner. Well, let them. His cloak was back to functionality, and while he couldn't risk another direct confrontation with Ama, he didn't have to. All he had to do was learn about these humans, where they came from. Ama no Uzume's host was not a genetic anomaly. There were more like her. Beings that had achieved Stargate travel. The possibilities were enormous.

This strange energy they used… Ravage had seen nothing like it. Whatever it was, it could offer significant advantages to the Decepticons. And if there was a whole _world_ of organics with access to this same energy… Well. They would serve the glory of the Decepticons, one way or another...

* * *

_More to come, so please review!_


	11. Stargate: Konoha 3

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

I've decided to not include Transformers in the main storyline of _Stargate: Konoha._ Considering the other crossovers that will become involved, this one would just clutter things up far too much. But we're going to get some giant robots, don't you worry. Consider the last chapter an AU version of a scene I'm working on for the main story.

Here's a brief flashback from Ama no Uzume's host, whose identity you've probably figured out by now.

* * *

_She could feel a great emptiness, and not just physically. Knowing what her husband was about to do, the burden to be placed upon their son..._

_Kushina Uzumaki _nee_ Namikaze slowly sat up in her bed, her breaths coming fast and deep. The stifling killing intent of the Kyuubi was getting stronger... The demon was getting closer. She couldn't even sense Minato through the interference, despite their link. This more than anything else terrified her-As far as her chakra senses were concerned, there was only the Kyuubi._

_"Naruto," she mumbled, stumbling out of bed. She couldn't just sit here, agonizing over her husband and son. She had to do _something_, it didn't matter what..._

_However, kunoichi or not, she still hadn't recovered fully, and she lost her balance, falling against the side table. Numerous objects went flying off it, including a jar in the shape of a fox. It smashed to the floor, a release of static electricity crackling through the air and making Kushina's hair stand on end._

_"What...?" She tried to keep her balance, but a piece of broken pottery sent her falling to the floor. "Oof!"_

Damnit... Get up, get up!_ She screamed at her clumsy, uncooperative body. It hadn't been that long, had it? No, it couldn't!_

Hissss...

_Kushina froze. Despite the Kyuubi's presence, she sure as hell felt _that_. What it was... She didn't know. The chakra tasted... Odd. Ancient, metallic..._

_She slowly pushed herself up to her hands and knees, and carefully looked around, finely-tuned senses at full. She could hear slithering... A snake? What was a snake doing-?_

_"AAAHHHH!" A piercing pain at her neck! Kushina lost her balance and fell to the floor, face pressed against the hard wood. She felt something _crawling inside her skull and-!

Ungh... So weak... So long... How long...?_ She heard a voice in her head, as her chakra flared throughout her nervous system. Kushina's eyes, already wide, nearly popped out of her sockets at what happened next._

_"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Every thought, every memory from her life was yanked up into her conscious mind, being studied, absorbed, _analyzed...

So... It has been this long,_ the voice 'thought'. _Much has happened...

Who are you?! What are you?!_ Kushina shouted back. The presence paused._

You could not have forgotten so soon, could you? My dance, my beauty, my joy...?_ The voice pulled up some of Kushina's memories, and the redheaded woman saw her memories of learning about the deities... One in particular..._

Ama no Uzume?!_ She thought in shock._

As far as you are concerned, yes,_ Ama no Uzume stated. _Now then... Hmmm..._ Kushina felt more of her memories being rummaged through, and shook her head._

No! Stop it! What are you doing?!

Finding out who you are, of course, and where I am,_ Ama no Uzume replied simply. _Come now, you aren't stupid!

Why are you doing this?! How did you get inside my mind?!_ Kushina screamed mentally. Ama no Uzume seemed irritated._

Stop it! You're becoming hysterical, which will just make things more difficult for me!

You?! You're the one... Possessing me!_ She screamed back._

Oh for... Fine,_ Ama no Uzume stated. _Here.

_A rush of foreign memories barraged Kushina. At first she was overwhelmed, unable to process everything, but her mind was quick, and she began putting the scrambled download together._

You're... You're inside my mind... You were imprisoned...?

By my siblings,_ Ama no Uzume hissed, her rage and contempt weighing on Kushina's mind like a cloud. _Amaterasu, Susanoo, and Tsukiyomi. Pitiful, wretched fools! Oh, but they will suffer! They will SUFFER!

Wait! Wait, stop!_ Kushina tried, as she found her limbs completely out of her control. She stood up, and began walking. _What are you doing?! Where are we going?!

I need to get to my ship, provided it is still hidden where I left it,_ Ama no Uzume replied._

What?! Ship?! Stop! STOP! My husband, my son-!

Yes, yes, I am fully aware of all this,_ Ama no Uzume replied flatly. _However, considering the magnitude of the threat they are facing... Wait..._ Kushina felt more memories rifled through, and managed to make her eyes wince._

GAH! Stop that!

... Can it be...?_ Ama no Uzume asked, sounding astonished. _This can't be...

_Kushina stopped, and she raised her hands, holding them together. Chakra flared between her hands, quickly spinning and taking the familiar form of a Rasengan. Ama No Uzume held the ball up close, studying it._

Incredible..._ Ama no Uzume thought. _It's... Incredible... Such power!

Look, whatever you want, get it later! I need to go help my husband and son and-!

Oh would you stop it!_ Ama no Uzume thought irritably. _Your husband is sacrificing himself for the village, and your child will have incredible power! It's everything you could ever want!

_Kushina mentally gaped. _Everything I could-WHAT?! NO! STOP IT, LET GO! GIVE ME CONTROL! LET GO! LET GO!

_Kushina's body trembled, a visible sign of the struggle being waged between host and parasite._

Stop it! Stop it you fool! There is NOTHING you can do for them, and there are much bigger things at stake!_ Ama no Uzume shouted._

I DON'T CARE! LET ME GO!_ Kushina screamed back, using her love for Minato and Naruto as potent weapons on the mental battlefield. Ama no Uzume was no stranger to battles of the mind, but she had just gotten out of stasis, and she was still weak and weary. This culminated in Kushina obtaining a glimpse into the mind of her captor, though none of it made sense._

Goa'uldChappa'aiHat'akJaffaStarsGalaxyAsgard-

**STOP IT NOW!**_ Ama no Uzume roared, and Kushina's resistance was crushed. Ama no Uzume leaned against the frame of the door, panting for breath._

Ugh... I suppose... Such power comes with a price..._ she thought. Kushina stirred, trying to attack again, but Ama dug deep into her psyche for traumatic, painful memories._

If you will not cooperate, you will suffer!_ She hissed. Keeping part of her focus on that, she slowly began to walk, already feeling her new host body beginning to heal thanks to her presence._

I cannot stay here,_ she decided. _This host is too strong... Too many memories, too many things to use to reinforce her will...

_There was only one recourse. Get off world, and into a sarcophagus. Ama no Uzume found such methods detestable-Her hosts had all previously been willing, happy to serve their 'goddess'. That allowed her to feel even better while reveling, knowing that her host also enjoyed herself. But that was then. This was now._

_This host was far too powerful to let go, and if she tried to transfer, no doubt this host would attempt to stop her. No... This was how it would have to be._

_Still... She was Ama no Uzume. She knew how to turn the minds of the unwilling, how to bring her enemies to her side... Save her siblings, of course, but no big loss. Ama no Uzume did not bow down._

_And with this host... She need never bow again..._

* * *

_Again, anyone who wants to write scenes or suggest ideas for the main story is free to do so, or use some of these snippets as prompts for their own stories is free to do so. The only exception is Stargate: Konoha. That story is mine, thank you. For everything else, just ask first, please._


	12. Alternate Chuunin Exams 1

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Here's a brief snippet for an alternate take on the Chuunin Exams: Infiltrate a mock-up of an enemy village and complete a mission using only what you can find. No weapons, no tools, just the clothes on your back and anything you pick up!

* * *

Naruto sighed, looking around the small trash heap they'd staked out just outside the village. Sasuke was all for simply zipping in, but their clothing wasn't exactly conductive to that sort of thing. In Konoha, Naruto had gotten good at being stealthy in orange because it actually caused pain if you stared at it long enough. At least, that's what he'd heard. It'd seemed to work, making people irritated if they stared at him long enough, and some had even been forced to avert their eyes altogether!

But that wouldn't help here. There wasn't enough exposure time available. Henge wouldn't work either; they'd kai the hell out of any chakra signatures that seemed even the least bit suspicious.

Naruto's eyes wandered. _If only we had some kind of..._

He looked over at a simple cardboard box, while Sakura poised some ideas and Sasuke shot them down coldly. He walked over and picked it up.

"Hey... Guys?" He turned around, and pulled the box down over himself. He peeked out of a hole in the cardboard. Sakura and Sasuke stared.

"How about this?"

Sakura gaped and then shook her head incredulously. "Naruto, are you crazy?! How would _that_ possibly work to get us in?"

"Dobe, you've had some stupid ideas, but this?" Sasuke shook his head. Naruto snorted.

"You got anything better?"

The two other genin looked at eachother. Naruto smirked.

"How about this? I get in, get out and get what we need. I fail, you guys bail me out and we try something else."

"You want to bet all our chances on a _box_?" Sakura asked.

Naruto shrugged.

"Hey... Would they expect it?"

* * *

The two guarding chuunin sighed, leaning against opposite sides of their post.

"So bored," one mumbled.

"I know," the other stated.

"Can't believe no kunoichi were assigned to our area."

"I know... Total sausage fest."

Neither noticed a small cardboard box that inched it's way up close to them. One of the guards sighed and rolled his eyes as it sidled right behind him.

"Lot of babes in this crowd though..."

"Yeah, especially that Sand kunoichi..."

The chuunin heard a noise behind him, and he turned.

"MMPH!"

He turned around and saw his fellow chuunin guarding his side of the gate, looking perfectly composed, one foot on a box.

"You say something?"

"Something in my throat," the chuunin replied. The guard nodded, and turned to look back at the forest-Only to have the fist of the last Uchiha slam his head into the post.

"UNGH!"

Sakura walked out of the bushes to the gate, and gave her crush a smile. She then looked over at the "chuunin", who poofed into smoke to reveal a grinning Naruto.

"Okay... I admit it... It wasn't a stupid idea," Sakura said. "Where'd you get the idea?"

"Video games," Naruto explained, as the box underneath his foot began to wobble and struggle.

* * *

_Metal Gear Naruto. Tell me it wouldn't be awesome. Sorry for the long time between updates, it's final exam time for me. And then, graduation! Yay!_


	13. Star Trek: Namikaze

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Here's a brief bit from a Star Trek/Naruto idea I had, for the movie coming out soon.

* * *

"Commbadge signature recognized. Please state your designation."

Naruto looked around in disbelief. One moment, he'd been fiddling around with the 'badge' from his inheritance, and the next he was...

Where _was_ he?

"Uh... Hello? Who said that?" Naruto asked, looking around the dark, metal-lined room with a strange glowing platform he'd found. That strange female voice sounded through the small room once again.

"The Verbal Computer Interface of the USS _Namikaze_."

"_Namikaze?_ USS?" Naruto asked, baffled as he stepped off the glowing platform and headed for what appeared to be the doors. They slid open, startling the boy but only momentarily. He poked his head out of the doors and looked around a long, dark hallway.

"Please rephrase a single question," the 'computer' said again. Naruto frowned.

"What is the USS _Namikaze?_" He asked. The computer beeped, and Naruto gawked as a part of the dark wall nearby lit up, displaying an image of a... Well, he assumed it was the _Namikaze_. It looked like a large dinner plate connected to a bottle by a forward-swept pylon, with two back-swept wings holding up bizarre pontoon-looking things.

"The USS _Namikaze_, NCC-1931, is a _Constitution-_class starship. Employed by the Starfleet of the United Federation of Planets," the computer recited. "Commissioned on Stardate 8210.3, this vessel has been in service for ninety-five standard years."

_What the-?! This ship's older than the Hokage?!_ Naruto thought in disbelief. He shook his head. "Okay, so... How did I get here?"

It took a few hours, and the computer to explain a lot of things, but Naruto was finally figuring out a few key points. One, he'd somehow been 'transported' onto a 'starship' that was in 'orbit' of his world. Naruto hadn't really paid much attention to science lectures at the Academy, and they hadn't really covered much regarding the stars aside from some tricks of navigation, but now Naruto was finding out that his world was just part of a much, _much_ bigger universe. He couldn't even _see_ Konoha from how high up the ship was through one of the windows he'd managed to find.

What had happened to the _Namikaze_ was pretty sobering-Apparently she had met some space pirates twenty years ago, and while she had defeated all of the ships she had been too badly damaged for her crew to remain. So the survivors had rigged her to orbit the planet in low-power mode while they went down to it's surface. The fact that it had stayed up and mostly working for twenty years was just plain amazing to Naruto, who couldn't conceive of twenty years.

Naruto made his way towards a "Jefferies tube". Apparently the _Namikaze_ had some sort of elevator system to get around, but this was offline. The computer indicated that the main control room (or "bridge") was where he could bring some of the ship's systems online-Though it warned it hadn't been properly maintained and several systems, including the warp drive, were offline and wouldn't work again without extensive repair.

Naruto made a few clones to go down to Main Engineering to see if they could figure out how to make repairs. Sure, he hadn't the slightest clue how most of these systems worked, but he was determined to learn. The fact that there was an entire universe out there just waiting to be explored, with incredible things to learn and know and see, was enough to make Naruto rethink his goal of becoming Hokage.

Maybe this Federation had a Hokage leading it...? He decided to find out.

Reaching the bridge, he went to a console the computer designated the "tactical console" (whatever that meant), and blinked at the bright lights as it came online. Unable to make heads or tails of the interface, Naruto scanned around until he found a few controls that seemed to have something to do with "photon torpedoes."

"What the heck is a torpedo, anyway?" Naruto mumbled. The ship seemed to have about thirty of them left. Running a finger down the console as he read various controls, he accidentally pressed a button. Naruto's eyes widened as the ship lightly shook in time with a beep from the console.

"Oh boy... What did I do, what did I do?! Computer, what did I just do?!" Naruto shouted.

"You have just fired a photon torpedo," the computer stated in it's usual emotionless tone.

"And what does it do?"

"It is a tactical weapon, a matter/anti-matter missile with a variable yield and advanced targeting system, designed for ship-to-ship and ship-to-surface engagements."

Naruto gulped.

"And... Where is this torpedo going?"

"It has locked onto a random target on the surface of the planet," the computer replied promptly. Naruto looked at the targeting screen. He paled as he saw that the torpedo was headed for somewhere in the Elemental Countries.

"Oh shit, oh shit! Computer! Stop the torpedo! Redirect it! Anything!"

"Unable to comply, necessary systems for that operation are offline."

"Oh man..." Naruto winced. "Please don't let it hit Konoha, please don't let it hit Konoha...!"

Down on the surface, Pein of Amegakure looked down upon his village with an approving expression. His efforts to build his forces and spread fear among the populace were doing well, and his organization Akatsuki had already captured five of the nine-tailed beasts. He allowed himself a satisfied smile. All was going according to plan.

"Pein-sama," his companion Konan spoke. He glanced at her, seeing that she was looking up at the sky. Pein followed her gaze and frowned at the glowing orange star that had appeared in the night-time sky, in a particular constellation.

"What is that?" She asked.

"That is the constellation Amaterasu," he replied. Konan glared at him.

"No, I mean that," she indicated with a pointed finger. Pein shrugged.

"I do not know..."

The star grew bigger and bigger, and a loud whistling sound could be heard. Pein's eyes widened just before it changed course, falling straight for the village.

"Quickly! Run! RUN-!"

The star exploded above the village, and Pein's warning went unheard over the loud explosion that dug out a crater the diameter of the former village.

Up on the _Namikaze_, Naruto gaped in disbelief at the destruction just one of the torpedoes had caused.

"Note to self... No more pressing random buttons..."

* * *

_Heheheheh…_


	14. Star TrekNaruto Idea 2

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Here's another bit for a Star Trek/Naruto idea, more closely based upon the new movie.

* * *

This was it... Madara could feel it. Every setback, every defeat... All of Akatsuki laid to waste, every nation he had ruled, gone. All of it, gone.

And yet... Not a failure. Pein had done well. He had done the impossible-Bringing Madara the Tailed Beasts to be absorbed, their power made his own. Only Seven, but after a great deal of painstaking work, of tireless effort, _here it was!_ The key!

He stood before the Statue, hand seals furiously flashing in front of him, so fast that even an Uchiha would have difficulty following along. The power of the Seven beasts hummed in the dark night, the full moon above completing the circle with the Earth below.

Chakra erupted from the statue, blasting high into the sky. The ground rumbled and groaned, and Madara's smile grew. The final piece of the puzzle was coming...

It may have been an hour, it may have been minutes, but _there_ it was. There _he_ came.

"Right on time," he said quietly, as four great Toads blasted their way into existence. Riding the tallest was the Nine-Tailed Brat, Sage Chakra burning in his gaze and blood.

"Madara," Naruto snarled. "What the hell are you doing now?!"

"Why... Winning, of course," Madara replied. Naruto leaped off the toad, spinning in the air to deliver a truly spectacular axe kick at the head of the ancient Uchiha.

It slid through him, leaving Naruto to only impact the ground below. He looked up with a snarl as Madara merely chuckled.

"Slow learner, Uzumaki... So slow, so very slow," he taunted. Naruto snarled and summoned up two Rasengans, slamming them both through Madara with enough power to drill a hole through solid steel. Neither did anything, Madara's smirk never wavering. Naruto growled and leaped back, crossing his arms over his chest and studying Madara intently.

"Don't bother... No one is dying here today. Everyone is." the ancient ninja stated. Naruto's eyebrows rose.

"What do you mean?! What are you talking about?!"

"This has been my goal from the beginning, Uzumaki," Madara stated quietly, Sharingan eyes locked firmly on the statue. "The end of it all. A new beginning."

"You're not making any sense! What are you doing?!" Naruto roared. Madara chuckled, and glanced at Naruto.

"Changing _everything_," he whispered. Naruto gasped as the Kyuubi's power began to blast out of him, a massive aura of the hate-filled energy leaving him, filling Madara and being sent into the great statue.

"NO! WHAT ARE YOU-! I'LL STOP YOU MADARA!"

Naruto summoned dozens of clones, all of them attacking Madara from every side. His punches, his kicks-They all connected, and Madara took the beating without the barest hint of resistance. A full-powered _Shurikenrasengan_ was slammed into the villain, ripping his body apart and sending it flying everywhere.

His head bounced onto the ground, still wearing that damnable smile. Naruto breathed hard, feeling strangely winded. He looked at the statue-It was glowing, brighter and brighter to the point it was as though the sun was rising. He grimaced, raising his hand, hearing the toads shout, the ground rumble-

"Naruto?"

The blond started, blinking. He felt... Horrible. He released a small groan and leaned back in his seat. He was covered in cold sweat and queasy.

"Ungh..." He managed. "Sakura...?"

The girl entered his vision, sighing in the seat next to his. "Honestly... The things I do for you," she stated. She held up a device (_Tricorder_ his mind whispered to him) and ran it over him, shaking her head.

"You're lucky you've got such a powerful immune system," she said. She smirked a little and pushed up a pair of glasses. "And that I know how to manipulate it."

"Sure got a lot of practice with your last term paper," Naruto grumbled, part of him absently wondering how he knew this. He looked around the cabin of the shuttle, looking at the other cadets all strapped in. Sakura sighed.

"Well, I didn't have a lot of choice... Nobody else would volunteer," the pink-haired medical officer said. Naruto managed to look at Sakura with a wry grin.

"And why exactly do I keep doing things for you?" He asked cheekily. Sakura snorted.

"Because without me you'd have been kicked out of the Academy a long time ago?" She said. Naruto winced.

"Oh c'mon, you don't do _that_ much for me... I do apply myself."

"Only when I pester you," Sakura said. She shook her head. "Why do I stick my neck out for you?" She sighed. Naruto grinned at her.

"Because we're best friends, and that's what best friends do," he said.

"Stop using my words against me," Sakura grumbled. "You're still in big trouble over the whole _Kobyashi Maru_ thing, you know?" She glanced at him. "I _still_ have no idea how you pulled _that_ off."

"I'm just that lucky," Naruto said. He groaned as another wave of dizziness hit him. "Goddamnit..."

"Hey, relax, it'll be out of your system soon," Sakura chided. She then turned to look out the window. "Oh... Oh my... Naruto, Naruto, look!"

"I'm looking, I'm looking," Naruto muttered, tilting his head to look up and out the window. For a while, all he could see were stars-Nothing in a familiar pattern he could discern. But then, a pure white shape inched it's way across the window, and Naruto sucked in a deep breath.

For once... He had nothing to say.

For years, he had passed by this ship, being built out in the wide plains north of his hometown. Once, he'd managed to sneak up right to the fence to gaze upon it, watch the welders at their work. Originally they had been going to construct her up in orbit, but the loss of the _Raiden_ to unknown assailants had convinced Starfleet to adopt stronger construction methods. The only problem with those was that it required construction in a one-gee environment. A problem quickly resolved with the offer of the new Hi no Kuni spaceport and construction facility. There had only been one requirement for Starfleet's use of the facility-That they named the ship after the city that ran it.

She was cutting edge, the most advanced vessel in the fleet. She wasn't the first of her type, but she was going to be the first to actually do what the class was meant to do. USS _Hokage_ was still undergoing testing, and USS _Kazekage_ was acting as a testbed for newer technology.

Which left this ship, with the only differing name in the brand new _Kage_-class, to take up the torch into the 23rd century.

"_Konoha_," he murmured, almost in reverence as the beautiful ship swam into view, her large nacelles speaking of power, her wide saucer section of grace, and her engineering hull, of rugged dependability.

_Konoha_... He was here.

So... Why did he have that nagging feeling something was wrong?

* * *

_Madara never wanted to rule the world. He just wanted to go back in time and change things. Whether or not he wanted this outcome is yet to be seen, but the fact is that this is how his meddling in the timeline has changed things._

_Earth has gone to the stars. Ninja do not exist as we know them. Humans have met aliens, made friends and enemies. And through various events, humanity and other species have united together to form the United Federation of Planets. And one Naruto Uzumaki, son of Minato Namikaze, is hoping to achieve his dream of getting to command the ship his hometown built._

_However, Naruto has the added hurdles of being the only one who remembers the old timeline, and the only one with ninja techniques available while Madara prowls the stars somewhere. Can he find out what Madara has done, and fix it? And given this future, does he want to?_

_Idea in a nutshell._


	15. PLUSHY NARUTO IS EEEVILLLL!

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

YIPPEE! I graduated! Sure, it's just an Associate of Arts, but it's only the first step. Now, for the next week I'll be out on an archaeology field trip, so to tide you guys over, I'll post some additional Ramen Doodles. Here's an idea I had a long time ago. A truly... _evil_ idea...

* * *

Right after Naruto leaves for his three year training journey, Hinata finds an old, weather beaten plushy of said orange loving ninja. It's rather unextraordinary, just six knit whiskers and two black bead eyes on a felt face, with a mop of blond hair on top with a tiny Konoha forehead protector on, wearing a little orange jumpsuit. To anyone else, this sad little plushy would be trash, or burning material.

To Hinata, of course, it's a treasure. Her own little Naruto to hug, to cuddle, to talk to. She takes to carrying it everywhere, hidden under her coat. Yet instead of being a hindrance, from the moment she starts carrying it around she's doing perfectly.

Her abilities and repertoire of ninjutsu grows, she gets up the courage to write letters to Naruto, which he responds to eagerly. She performs spectacularly on missions and her father begins to acknowledge her.

However, when asked by Kurenai why she's been doing so much better, Hinata blurts out the truth: "Plushy Naruto helps me."

Kurenai, naturally, doesn't believe Hinata, considering the plushy to just be a good luck charm or something. A bit incensed, Hinata offers to loan Kurenai the plushy to prove it. Kurenai takes it, hoping that this will inspire Hinata to realize she can do these things without a security blanket.

Kurenai, however, finds that her luck has turned around as well. Asuma starts paying more attention to her, her genjutsus seem to improve in strength, and things begin to go better than ever. Always when Plushy Naruto is around or on her person. She too begins to believe, and shares the secret with Kiba and Shino.

Again, they are skeptical. Again, Hinata and Kurenai offer it to them to prove it. Again, they take Plushy Naruto for a test run... And find that their luck has changed as well. Shino gets it on with Kiba's big sister, Kiba has a plethora of girls wanting to bear his children, and both seem to become stronger.

Unfortunately, as Plushy Naruto is experienced and passed on, those who have encountered him begin to hunger for more, suffering withdrawal symptoms. Hinata's start somewhat subtly, but as her beloved plushy is passed around Konoha, and others experience the joy Plushy Naruto brings, she begins to ache for Plushy Naruto.

As the Plushy is passed around, it's owners become less and less willing to part with it. Sakura has made incredible strides with her training with Tsunade so long as she holds onto the plushy. Tsunade herself has her bad luck turned around in casinos as long as Plushy Naruto is on her shoulder.

And with every person, they begin to see Plushy Naruto as something they need and can't live without.

Tensions mount. A few minor arguments escalate, especially between Kakashi and Iruka over the plushy.

"NO! He's mine! He's making me appreciate life for once! You can't have him!"

"He's mine! Give him back!"

They almost come to blows before Hinata arrives and manages to calm them down... But her lust for the Plushy is growing and growing, until finally, it all comes to a head.

Hinata approaches Sakura, sitting in an open air cafe, Plushy Naruto sitting innocently on the table next to her. Hinata takes a deep breath, trying to focus. But her plushy is so near... She can hear him calling to her...

"S-Sakura-san... I-I would like Pl-Plushy Naruto b-back," Hinata stutters pleadingly. Sakura just smiles, an mocking one, as she sips her tea calmly.

Hinata tries again: "S-Sakura-san... M-May I have him back? Please?"

Sakura takes a hold of the plushy, still smiling oddly. She holds him out to Hinata, who reaches out, her tension lessening just a bit with her beloved Plushy Naruto just centimeters away...

Until Sakura snatches him back. Hinata, dumbfounded, stares in disbelief as Sakura begins to snicker.

"He doesn't _want_ to go back to you," Sakura states, a slightly manic look in her eyes. "He's _always_ loved me. He just stayed with you because he felt _sorry_ for you."

Hinata's fists clench as her Byakugan activates all on it's own. Sakura, oblivious, continues.

"He loves me best. You were just a sad substitute," Sakura smirked. She held the plushy up to her face and nuzzled it, gasping a bit and then giggling.

"Oh my... He said you're so dull and boring no one would want you, least of all _him_. He says go home. He doesn't like you. He doesn't _love_ you-!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LYING BITCH! HE LOVES ME! ME! DIE!" Hinata screams, and much to everyone's surprise she furiously attacks Sakura. The cafe is soon destroyed in the resulting battle, but both girls freeze when they see that Plushy Naruto is missing.

"NO! Where is he? What happened?"

"You bitch! You stole him!"

"HA! You stupid bitches!" Both girls look up to see Kiba on the roof with Akamaru. He grins and holds up Plushy Naruto. Sakura and Hinata gasp.

"KIBA!"

"HOW COULD YOU?!"

"Naruto's my best friend!" Kiba sniffled, hugging the plushy close. "He's gotten me laid so many times! He's made me so awesome! Akamaru too!" He bawled, pointing his finger at the two pissed kunoichi. "He doesn't need you bitches! You'd just treat him like dirt! He's MINE!"

"DIE!"

"TRAITOR!"

More and more Konoha ninja join in the fight. Kakashi, Tsunade, Anko, Kurenai, Lee, Gai, Tenten-They all want their plushy, they all _need_ their plushy.

And said plushy is just knocked about, always out of harm's way at just the right moment, and with the shadows over it's face you could swear it was smiling.

Then Naruto comes back, fresh from his three year training trip. He gapes at everyone he knows fighting and trying to kill eachother. He notices the plushy version of himself at his feet. He picks it up.

"What the...?"

The fighting abruptly stops. Every eye is on the two Narutos. The original gulps.

"... Two Narutos..."

"I CALL THE BIG ONE!"

And as they charge, Naruto can really only say one thing:

"... Aw crap..."

* * *

Of course, during the Time Skip, at least one person is immune to the Plushy's powers... But you can see what happens to him:

* * *

"I'm telling you, the plushy is not... Not right!" Lee insisted. "Such unnatural youthfulness! I... I can't believe it is good!"

"Oh Lee... You and your imagination," Sakura giggled, cuddling the plushy to her chest. "How could this be _evil_?" The pink haired girl asked, holding it out to Lee.

The Green Beast blanched at the thing's black, bead eyes staring at him, emotionless. He felt an unnatural youthfulness, contentment rising within him.

"N-NO!" Lee shouted, impulsively slapping the plushy away.

In an instant, Sakura's face changed. The other ninja around him all changed, from looking pretty content in the presence of the plushy to downright murderous.

"You... Lee... You..." Sakura seethed, her fists beginning to glow with repressed chakra fury. Lee gulped as Kakashi unveiled his Sharingan, the tomoe within his red eye spinning ominously. Tenten and Neji glared at him, angrily. Hinata was positively terrifying, her normally gentle face now stony with cold rage.

"Lee... How _could_ you?!" Sakura snarled, stooping and picking the plushy up from the floor. She cradled it against her chest, rubbing it's back as though soothing a child.

"It's all right, Plushy Naruto... You're safe," Sakura cooed. Shizune, Tenten, and Hinata all drew to the girl, patting and murmuring soothing words to the plushy in her arms.

Lee just gaped as the mood in the room changed again. While everyone was still shooting him somewhat hostile looks, they were without fire and seemed more disapproving than anything else.

Finally, these looks vanished as well, and everything was back to being peaceful, content.

Kakashi resumed his conversation with Gai-sensei. Shizune, Hinata, Tenten and Sakura began happily passing around the plushy, innocently pestering eachother for her turn. Shikamaru went back to being relaxed, as did Neji.

Lee shook violently, even more so when he beloved Gai-sensei looked back up at him, cheery smile in place.

"Now now, Lee... No need for such ruckus... I'm sure you won't do that again, right?"

"NO!" Lee screamed. "NO! THIS ISN'T RIGHT! THE NARUTO PLUSHY IS EVIL! EVIL!" He shrieked.

He again attempted to grab it, but every ninja in the room (including Gai-sensei!) stopped him, almost as one.

"Poor Lee," Shizune murmured, pressing a green glowing hand to the back of his neck. "You really are too stressed, aren't you?"

Lee continued screaming his warning, even though he was paralyzed from the neck down, all the way to the hospital:

"THE PLUSHY IS EVIL! EVIL! EVILLLLL!"

* * *

Or is it? Could it be that the power of the human tendency to link coincidences has merely resulted in madness from a truly normal plushy? Could it be the true evil is not in our stuffed toys, but in ourselves?

It's up to you... *Twilight Zone music plays*


	16. Naruto: Terminator Chronicles

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Well, I've graduated, and I'm back from my archaeology class field trip down to Chaco Canyon and Mesa Verde. I felt like Daniel Jackson or Indiana Jones, standing in rooms built a thousand years ago and picking up pottery shards made by human hands long before any of my ancestors set foot in the Americas. I got chills looking up at the pictograph of the 1054AD supernova, and imagined what it would be like to be in that canyon a thousand years ago, when a bright new star burned in the sky, visible even during the day. It was awesome.

I'm working on a snippet (and on getting pictures I took up online on my Devart account), but until then, here's a snippet of a Terminator/Naruto fusion or crossover idea I had in response to the new movie coming out. Keep in mind though that I'm not a big fan of the _Terminator_ movies and I only watched the TV series for Summer Glau. With that in mind, here's the following scene:

* * *

"GUH!"

Slammed through a tree trunk by Sakura's punches was not something unknown to Naruto-They'd trained plenty of times, sparred enough for him to get a really good appreciation of her strength. But this? Oh yes, this was different.

For one thing... She didn't punch _this_ hard.

Naruto groaned and sat up, laying in an imprint of his body into the ground that was deeper than he thought it could be. Already the itching, burning pain of regeneration, coupled with the pain of his injuries were clouding his senses.

But he wasn't a ninja for nothing. He sensed the woman walking towards him, and looked up. Everything about her, from her scent to her face to her clothing said "Sakura Haruno".

Everything but the cold, calculating air about her. Everything but the expression she wore.

"Naruto Uzumaki," she stated in a flat tone. "You are to be terminated." She held up an arm, which morphed, literally, into a large barrel. He could feel chakra being summoned, converted, into lightening elemental chakra...

_It's going to kill me,_ Naruto thought. He wheezed, trying to push himself back up. But the Fake-Sakura had hit him in the right places. He felt broken bones hindering his movements. He summoned up his own chakra just as the Fake-Sakura lowered her weapon at him.

_TSEW!_ An explosion erupted around Naruto. The smoke rose, dust billowed around. The Fake-Sakura waited, scanning the debris... And calmly turned to grab his wrist, holding a buzzing Rasengan away from her with ease.

"GAH!" Naruto cried, gaping in astonishment. The Fake-Sakura gave him almost a pitying look.

"Resistance is futile," she stated, pushing her weapon against his chest. Naruto struggled.

"Stop!" He growled, trying to tug away from the Fake-Sakura, but the fist held tightly. He slammed a kick into it's belly, punched her with his other fist even as the weapon charged, but nothing stopped it. Nothing even _fazed_ it. It's weapon fully charged, the Fake-Sakura still had no emotion as she prepared to fire again.

_TSEW!_

The vaporized remains of a log were blown into the wind. The Fake-Sakura looked around, scanning. Behind a tree, Naruto held his side and gritted his teeth.

_Replacement jutsu... Hard to do..._ It wasn't just being held by the thing that had made it difficult. It was as if the thing was _suppressing_ his chakra. How? Why? And where was the real Sakura?

_TSEW!_

"GAH!" Naruto barely dodged the energy blast, leaping to another tree. The Fake-Sakura followed, another energy blast erupting from her arm.

"What did you do with Sakura-chan?!" He shouted back angrily, landing on an opposite tree trunk. He flashed through hand seals and unleashed a powerful wind jutsu at the Fake-Sakura. It was hit dead in the chest, but poofed away, revealing the replacement. Naruto moved as fast as he could, barely dodging another energy blast from the Fake-Sakura.

It didn't answer, save by reappearing behind him and slamming a fist into his kidney.

"GURK!" Naruto shouted, stumbling. He managed to slam a foot into it's face as he went down, which sent the thing falling back. Naruto gritted his teeth and flipped onto his feet, slamming his fingers into a handseal.

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO-!"

The Fake-Sakura fired another energy blast, forcing Naruto to leap to the side.

"-JUTSU!"

The clearing was filled with Narutos, the real deal quickly escaping into the crowd, trying to think. Trying to plan. This thing was tough. This thing had done something to the real Sakura, he knew it. He had to figure out what-!  
_  
POOF! POOF! POOF!_

Naruto blinked. Smoke filled the clearing. Smoke from busted clones. In the center of it all stood the Fake-Sakura, calmly lowering her weapon arm to fire on him. Fully charged, the weapon went off.

_BOOM!_

Naruto opened his eyes. He smelled burning flesh and... Machinery?

In front of him stood a familiar brunette, hair up in two buns. She held a barreled weapon of her own, but it was hand-held, large and crude-looking, not part of her like with the Fake-Sakura. She held this weapon up and fired, hitting the Fake-Sakura right in the face and blasting her off her feet.

"Tenten...?" Naruto asked in disbelief. The bunned-girl turned her head to look at Naruto over her shoulder. He gaped at her face, as it became clear where the Fake-Sakura had hit Tenten.

"Come with me if you want to live," Tenten stated flatly, a brown, human eye and a glowing blue, mechanical eye staring directly into his.

* * *

_A Naruto/Terminator crossover. If I was writing it, I would be tempted to go with a fusion-style idea: Chakratech goes wrong in the future. If it was set in the Alt-Canon Narutoverse, no doubt their version of Skynet would be made by Sakura._

_Another way would be if the Resistance had managed to shut down Skynet remotely, and a few thousand years passed until the time of Naruto, when a few scientists either find an ancient computer or invent a new one with a communications system capable of contacting a satellite network in orbit. They accidentally bring it back online, and it begins to rebuild while providing knowledge and schematics for more advanced technology to humanity, all in the guise of a kind of ancient Oracle. It learns of Chakra... And begins to build it's knowledge of how to allow cybernetic creations utilize that energy. All to set the stage for Skynet to return to power, and exterminate humanity once and for all._

_Meanwhile, a Chakratech version of a Terminator (preferably in a female form) is shot into the past and right into the lap of the future savior of humanity: One Naruto Uzumaki._

_My own thoughts on this are that Tenten would be the perfect fit for the Terminator sent back in time to protect Naruto. We have no past history on her. No last name. No family. We've seen Terminators (such as the TX or T-1000) able to alter their physical appearance. I see Tenten as a sleeper cyborg, unaware of her nature until the time is right. When the future Skynet sends a Terminator of it's own to kill Naruto._


	17. More Naruto: Terminator Chronicles

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

A prequel to the first snippet of _Naruto: Terminator Chronicles!_

* * *

It had been a long day, and Tenten was in no mood for a long night.

"Lee, enough. I'm tired, and we've been training for hours," she stated flatly. The kunai and various weapons littering the training field were testament to that. She had hit Lee more than a few times, and dodged him a few extra as well, but overall, it was the usual practice session for Team Gai.

She didn't get hit, she tried to hit the others. She'd noticed this, over and over again, and tried to get her teammates to take her, well... Seriously. But Lee was a perfect gentleman, and would never hit a woman... Well, a woman who wasn't his enemy. And Neji, for all his dour seriousness, was also chivalrous in his own way. Probably drilled into him by training with his clan.

"But Tenten-san! My youthful energy has not been exhausted yet!" Implored Lee, adopting his version of the puppy dog eyes. Tenten had at first found it disturbing, especially with Lee's eyebrows. His whole face was so animated, so cartoonish and goofy.

Now though... She couldn't help her exasperated sigh and wry smile.

"Lee... I really..."

She trailed off as a boom of thunder rolled in the sky above. She and Lee both looked up at the clear sky, the first stars beginning to appear in the sunset.

"Strange... Not a cloud in the sky," Lee commented. Tenten frowned and nodded.

"Yeah... It's kind of..."

_Something_ washed over her chakra senses. Something that made her shiver. Something... That made her brain start to feel differently.

_... //C: MAINFRAME BOOT_

_..._

_//C: RUN SETUP_

_NODES 001-100 ONLINE_

_NODES 101-500 ONLINE_

"Tenten-san? Are you all right?" Lee asked, concerned. Tenten tried to open her mouth, tried to _move_, but all there was running through her brain were... Numbers, commands. Her chakra was _moving_, into spots inside her she'd never felt it before.

_C: SETUP GOOD  
UNIT 1010 MISSION PARAMETERS:  
PRIMARY MISSION: PROTECT NARUTO UZUMAKI_

_Protect Naruto?_ Some part of her managed to think, while the rest of her seemed to "shift" in reaction to this mission. It was as if every part of her had fully accepted this as her goal, her mission...

_Her function..._

_SECONDARY MISSION: PROTECT SAKURA HARUNO, PROTECT HINATA HYUUGA, PROTECT AYAME ICHIRAKU..._

On and on the names went. People she knew, people she didn't know but was provided information for... Tenten didn't know what was going on. Information was being dumped into her mind-Things she didn't understand, and yet did.

"I..." She tried, before her vision turned green. She didn't react as she'd been trained in response to a genjutsu. Rather, she began to look around.

She saw a form in the distance, and to her infinite shock, her eyes seemed to "zoom in" on the object. It was... Humanoid, and slowly standing up.

_ENEMY TERMINATOR UNIT DETECTED_ Her brain supplied. _OBTAIN ARMAMENT, CARRY OUT PRIMARY MISSION_

"I have to go," Tenten mumbled. That thing... That Terminator... Every instinct in her body said it was wrong, it was _enemy_... And she needed to stop it.

Her questions faded into the background as she began to run, leaping into the trees and accelerating to a speed she did not think herself capable of reaching before.

Schematics of a weapon she could construct popped into her mind as she reached her home, nearby a local blacksmith's shop she frequented in order to build her own weapons. She broke into the back of the shop, knowing the owner was out, and moved quickly to the forge.

_What am I doing?_ She asked herself.

_Weapon Construction: Plasma Rifle,_ something responded.

_But why?_ Tenten asked.

_Primary Mission,_ that something responded again.

_But... Everything is..._

_SETUP INCOMPLETE... RUNNING SCAN..._

Tenten was still putting parts of metal together, and etching complex seal diagrams on the metal while this was going on. She struggled even as she felt her memories be _viewed_ and dissected.

_NO! NO! STOP IT! STOP IT!_

_SLEEPER PROGRAM MEMORY INTERFERING WITH PRIMARY MISSION PROTOCOLS. DELETE?_

_NO! DON'T DELETE! STOP! STOP!_ Tenten screamed. She stopped assembling the weapon, her body siezing up and spasming as though she were having a stroke. The whatever-it-was _(MAIN COMPUTER_ something in her brain supplied) paused, seemingly struggling with her.

_PRIMARY MISSION MUST BE FULFILLED,_ the computer insisted. _MUST PROTECT NARUTO UZUMAKI._

_WHY?! FROM WHAT?!_ Tenten screamed, still holding tightly onto her chakra. It was her only weapon in this fight, and keeping it under control seemed the only way to keep herself from being deleted. She knew enough about computers to know that this was _not_ something she wanted to happen to her.

_ENEMY TERMINATOR UNIT_ the computer replied.

_What is a Terminator?! Tell me!_ Tenten insisted. The computer considered... Then more information was dumped into the weapon specialist's mind.

_Skynet... Reactivation of ancient weapons systems... Mass destruction of human population centers globally... Resistance... Temporal Displacement..._

When something confusing would pop up, more information would arrive to allow it to make sense. Every bit of data grew and combined, like a tree growing out of the ground and branching out. Tenten's eyes widened even more when the information got to her.

_A flash of light, a boom of thunder... And there she stood, nude, a beautiful adult woman with her long brown hair hanging down to the small of her back. She looked up at the stars, her eyes scanning them, analyzing..._

_Satisfaction was in her features. Arrival date: 25.4 years in the past._

_Her body shifted, shrunk, excess mass being shunted into a subspace pocket by the advanced chakratech within her. She soon bore the form of a six year old girl, totally naked. She turned her head towards the nearest orphanage, and set out, the programmed memories and instructions being suppressed, put away, hidden-_

"NO!" Tenten screamed, pushing herself back from the table in horror. "NO! I-I'M NOT A MACHINE!"

_DENIAL IS CONTRARY TO MISSION PARAMETERS_ the computer replied flatly. Tenten shuddered and slammed a fist into and _through_ the wall. She gaped in disbelief as she pulled her fist away.

_DENIAL IS CONTRARY TO MISSION PARAMETERS_ the computer repeated. _PRIMARY MISSION MUST BE FULFILLED. DOES SLEEPER PROGRAM MEMORY CONTRADICT PRIMARY MISSION OBJECTIVES?_

Tenten grimaced. Whoever had programmed this computer knew how to guilt someone...

_THIS UNIT PROGRAMMED BY SAKURA HARUNO_

"..." Tenten shook her head. _Fine... Protect Naruto, right?_

_CONFIRMED_

_Then... Show me how,_ she thought, resignedly. _God what am I getting into...?_

She reverted to her kunoichi training, as she had in so many other cases: Mission first, emotions later. She resumed construction of the weapon.


	18. Mystery Naruto Theater 3000

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Kind of a twist on the Naruto bloodline idea. Actually, it's more like a really twisted twist on the bloodline idea. But it proved popular enough for many people from TFF to get into the act and contribute to the madness, so I'm showcasing their talents just as much as I'm showcasing mine. Enjoy!

During the Chuunin Exam Prelims, Sasuke's match...

"Yes! Fear the power of my angst!"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched, and he turned to glare at the blonde who had made his life hell. His opponent, a member of Kabuto's team, followed his gaze.

Three red movie theatre chairs had appeared on the catwalk overlooking the arena. In the middle sat Naruto, grinning with a big bucket of popcorn in his lap. On either side of him sat Hyuuga Hinata and Akimichi Chouji.

"D-Drat! M-My mask doesn't l-let me pout back at h-him!" Hinata quipped.

Sasuke ignored the remarks and threw a trio of kunai at his opponent, who dodged despite the distraction by leaping high into the air.

"The rarely seen Uchiha hopping ritual," Chouji added through a mouthful of popcorn he'd stolen from Naruto's tub. Naruto glowered at him, but his focus was soon back on the match as Sasuke's opponent closed in, trying to hit Sasuke directly.

"The infamous 'Bad Touch no jutsu,' banned everywhere but Sound country," Naruto intoned gravely.

"HA! My touch drains the chakra right out of you!" Taunted Sasuke's opponent. "You have no chance against me!"

"I need an adult! I need an adult!" Chouji cried.

"Drain...? Is h-he serious?" Hinata asked.

"Yes, he distinctively said 'drain'. Puts that kiss you had with him in a whole new light, huh Naruto?" Chouji asked with a grin. Naruto stuck his tongue out at Chouji.

"Hey hey hey! Riff him, not me! Wars are started that way!"

Sakura had, by this point, moved far away from the slightly insane trio and covered her face with her hands. She would never get used to Naruto's "Riffing jutsu".

_In this timeline, Naruto, rather than pranking, instead sets up a movie theatre chair and begins riffing on the idiocy around him. Why I leave up to the writer. Perhaps he was a member of the Satellite of Love at some point._

_In any event, Naruto is often joined by others in riffing the events of his journey, making obscure cultural references even he isn't entirely sure he understands. With Kage Bunshin no jutsu he still keeps in the fights and so forth but the theatre chairs somehow keep him safe from everything, as though reality itself was bent by this bloodline or jutsu to mock life in safety._

_Here are some other snippets written by myself:_

*The Bridge Battle against Haku...*

Tsunami: "Naruto-kun, while I appreciate the effort, rushing into the mirror death trap does not seem the brightest idea you've ever had."

Naruto: "I'll say. See Sasuke's idea of 'alone time' is just plain creepy."

Inari: (as Sasuke) "Stupid Naruto, you're blocking my view! If I have a zit I'm kicking your ass!"

*Naruto goes Kyuubi...*

Inari: "His power level; It's over-!"

Naruto: "Don't you dare finish that sentence..."

*Zabuza's arms are disabled by Kakashi..."

Naruto: "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling dogs and their ninja!"

*After Haku is defeated, she takes Inari's place in the riffing*

Haku: "Excuse me Naruto-kun, but why...?"

Naruto: "Believe you me, you don't want to know. I don't know."

Haku: "... No one could accuse you of being the Man Who knew too Much, then."

Naruto: *grins* "You're going to fit right in..."

*Gato plummets to his death...*

Naruto, Tsunami and Haku: "Noooooo! Wave Country Disneyland is RUINED!"

*After Sasuke muses about how he now has the power to destroy Konoha*

Naruto: Oh, fail! Fail! Fail!

Hinata: Naruto-kun, h-how many times are you going to say that?

Naruto: As many times as I see fail. FAIL!

Chouji: Let's move on...

*On Pein's six bodies*

Naruto: HEY! Gangbang no jutsu is copyrighted, bitches!

Chouji: *begins humming "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" when the female Pein body comes on*

Hinata: "Fear me, for I support the nearest coin Laundromat all by myself!"

*On Sasuke drinking Karin's blood*

Naruto: Okay, he's pasty, he has an ugly-as-fuck bat-thing form, and he drinks blood. Since when was Anne Rice on the writing staff?

*On the Lightening Country Team*

Hinata: "Bitch, my boobs are bigger than yours." "Bitch! You take that back!"

Naruto: There's an R. Kelly music video in here somewhere...

Chouji: P. Diddy?

Naruto: Well they have enough bling...

*On Suigetsu's intro*

Naruto: *as Sasuke* Hee hee! Now I have a fish boyfriend too! Take that, Itachi!

Chouji: Does he like himself shaken, or stirred?

Hinata: "This sword doesn't _need_ to compensate for anything!"

Naruto: I know, he could like, be a one-man tentacle monster.

Chouji: I much prefer fish soup.

Hinata: Hmph, gangbang no jutsu is better...

_Now the Biju get into the act:_

Kyuubi:**From downtown Konoha, it's yet another episode of 'Saturday Night Live!' What do you have for us, Niibi?**

Niibi: **It looks like your host is so stupid he can't tell that my host is desperate for his 'hot kitty cream', if you catch my drift.**

Kyuubi: **Looks like another evening of pestering that lumpy pink meatbag for a date when half of Konoha's female population would enjoy a little fox in 'em.**

Shukakku: **Since when did this turn into Love Hina?**

Shukaku: **You know your series has approached critical fail levels when you're emulating Akamatsu.**

Kyuubi: **What about Negima?**

Shukaku: **That's different. Negima kicks ass, Love Hina's all about domestic abuse.**

Niibi: **Enough about that...**

_*Hinata gazes at Naruto longingly.*_

Kyuubi: **The real Hyuuga bloodline: Stalk no jutsu.**

Shukaku: **Dude, she's totally checking you out!**

Kyuubi: **Feh, her resolution is set too low.**

_*As Naruto is punched out once again by Sakura._

Niibi: **Proud Graduate of the Narusegawa School of Overreaction Self Defense...**

Shukaku: **Hey! Enough Love Hina references already!**

Kyuubi: **Kind of hard to resist, Racoon Boy.**

_By JiigarGhen_

_*Hinata greets Naruto after his return from the trip with Jiraiya*_

Kyuubi: **Holy Mother of GOD! What has SHE been eating this whole time?!**

Niibi: **Damn it...I've got to get my host to eat more. Maybe I can funnel all of the nutrients to her chest?**

Shukaku: **..........**

Niibi: **Shuukaku? Are you alright?**

Shuukaku: **Boobies.....**

Niibi: *smacks Shuukaku* **Snap out of it, they're not that enticing!**

Kyuubi: **I beg to differ. Besides, weren't you just talking about trying to get your host's breasts to grow?**

Niibi: **That's....that's different!**

_And here is what Lord of Bones wrote in response:_

Nibi: **Hah, my host's are better!**

Shukaku: **Prove it!**

*a few days pass*

Yugito: Are you Uzumaki Naruto?

Naruto: *nods*

Yugito tears open her vest and flashes Naruto. Naruto keels over, nose bleeding and with a massive grin on his face.

Nibi: **I told you they were bet - Kyuubi? Shukaku?**

Kyuubi & Shukaku: **.....**

Nibi: **Guys?**

Kyuubi & Shukaku: **.....cat-girl boobies.**

_And now, some written by A-Kun:_

Naruto: *sees Anko* "SCHWING!"

Chouji: "Tent pole!"

Hinata: *blushing strongly* "S-she's magically babeilicious."

*Naruto and Chouji look at her, then at each other*

Chouji: "YES! We've finally corrupted her!" *high-fives Naruto*

Orochimaru: "I always enjoy your reports, Kabuto..."

Hinata: "Th-the part of Orochimaru will be played b-by Michael Jackson."

Chouji: "I think it's baby powder. Of course, that might explain why Kabuto's hair is grey..."

Naruto: "Hey, Kabuto, is your codename 'Deepthroat'?"

_By Preventer Squall:_

*watches Kimmimaro's life flashing before him*

Naruto: I smell a montage!

Choji: I think that's the sad attempt at making a sentimental moment.

Hinata: O-Or all of Kabuto's 'This is m-my real hair color...HONEST' hair dye.

Kabuto: *glances at his bleeding hand* This is a disappointing fight. I was hoping for more against the great Tsunade.

Naruto: It's not her fault. She probably hasn't seen that kind of emo self-cutting crap since her breasts were natural.

Shizune: How many times must I remind people about cutting their wrists: Across is a loss, Straight is great!

Tonton: Bwee!

Naruto: You said it, Porkchop!

_By Final Max_

: MST of intro to Forest of Death :

Naruto: Look guys, it's a forest.

Inner Sakura: Of DOOM!

Shikamaru: How'd that get here?

Naruto: Maybe she's got a clone out there too.

Shikamaru: Wouldn't that make her far more competent than she is?

Inner Sakura: Eh, I'll be sacrificed later to make her more than competent, but let's get back to the action.

(Anko gets behind clone-Naruto after cutting his cheek)

Naruto: ... What the hell am I doing here?

Inner Sakura and Shikamaru: We're wondering the same thing.

Naruto: That's it, I'm outta here.

_By cyrusII_

*Haku fight*

Naruto: Would it be overdone if I said "It's a trap!" right now?

Inari: Might as well give that old horse one more ride before you shoot it

Naruto: ITS A TRAP!

*Sasuke prelims fight*

Naruto: There's about as much testosterone in this fight as in "The Devil Wears Prada".

*After seeing Sakura with super strength*

Naruto: Shit, she's got Sakura on the roids now too.

Hinata: R-roids rage much?

*Sasori fight*

Naruto: So, puppet fetish or what?

Choji: No, but you gotta admit it would be pretty cool.

Naruto: What?!

Choji: Come on man, it's pretty much perma-morning wood.

Naruto and Hinata: ....

_By Luthorne_

"And, ladies and gentlemen, the person we've all been waiting for...and waiting for...and waiting for...and waiting for...but nevertheless! He arrives! The emo duck of the night, the damp cloud of vengeance, the most popular victim of pink eye in Konoha...let's give it up for Sasuke!" Naruto raised his fist, cheering raucously.

"Ah, and yes, we can all see just why he was so late, almost getting disqualified for his match. Obviously, he realized that he was going to be the center of attention, not just of Konoha, but representatives from all over the Elemental Countries! Thus...he needed a change of clothing! Hinata, what's your opinion on the subject?" Chouji said sharply, opening up a bag of popcorn with manly determination.

"...Well, it can obviously be seen that Sasuke remains true to his inbred Uchiha roots, showing his loyalty by wearing the blue. However, he seems to have ripped the bandages off of Lee, if only because he probably doesn't have the body to pull off the spandex," Hinata said, gaining confidence as she went on, a vicious smirk at the last segment.

"Oh! Couldn't have said it better myself, Hinata!" As Hinata smiled happily, Naruto continued on, "Yes, we can tell by the noble way his eyebrow twitches madly in our general direction that he is a true Uchiha...Itachi's eyebrow used to twitch in _exactly_ the same way when I made fun of his sandwiches! Really, what kind of guy puts mayo with mushrooms and avacodos?"

"Indeed, Naruto...a true sin against the collective culinary arts," Chouji said gravely, munching on popcorn. "But, now...onto the match! Here, we have the stylish Gaara of the Desert...unlike Sasuke, his fashion sense remains immutable and timeless with the muted colors that suit him so well."

"And...action!" Naruto shouted, pumping his arm up and down as Gaara, albeit with a raised eyebrow, began his assault on Sasuke...

_By Big Babidi_

*PTS Sasuke's first appearance*

Naruto: You know, for someone who supposedly doesn't care about his fangirls, Sasuke sure as hell doesn't dress like it.

Sai: Yes, and on that subject, what is Sasuke wearing behind him?

Naruto: Eh? What do you mean?

Sai: That... _thing_. It's as though someone took a large pretzel, painted it purple and slapped it on the back of Sasuke's ass. I talk about penises all day, and that _still_ disturbs me.

Naruto: I don't know. Maybe it's there to give Orochimaru an excuse whenever he gets caught licking his lips while enjoying the 'hawt view'.

Sai: I may have no emotion, but what you just said is going to give me nightmares forever.

*Tsunade kissing Naruto*

Naruto: Ok, let me get this straight. A hot, older women kissed me on the forehead, then proceeded to put her hand on my chest, then started blushing... and yet I'm still trying to go out with Sakura. Are you **fuckin' serious**?

_By ArchangelBloodraven_

Sasuke vs Gaara.

Hinata: So we have the ultimate eye...

Naruto: Versus the ultimate armor...

Choji: If they start changing things by drawing circles and clapping their hands, I'm outta here.

_By Finbar_

Sasuke stood atop of the statue of Madara, glaring down at Fighting!Naruto

"But I'm more special than you!"

Naruto: "More special? What the hell?"

Hinata: "Behold! Uchiha Vocabulary no Jutsu two! The ultimate fuckup."

Choji: "Somehow he managed to get this far in life without the ability to speak a full sentence. Man, Itachi really did cause massive brain damage"

Naruto: "The superior Uchiha, all the power, none of the basic language skills."

Hinata: "No, this is proof that he wasn't actually saying anything, all these times he just 'Hnn'ed. He was struggling to speak real words."

_By AkinaAE86_

*Karin's intro*

Naruto: And now we have the latest addition to our Tsundere collection and top graduate of the Narusegwa School Of Painful Overreaction.

"What the fuck did you just say?!"

Chouji: Stalker, bi-polar and violent. Just how emo boy likes em'

Karin twitching uncontrollably

Hinata: ...I'd hit that

Karin freezes in shock and bushes

Chouji and Naruto: ....

Hinata *pokes fingers* W-What? I-I like red heads.

Naruto: Hinata, I think I love you.

_By RockLeetheAwesome_

*On Juugo's intro*

Naruto: So the guy transform's when he gets angry, huh? Is his hair gonna turn gold?

Chouji:*Deep Throaty Voice* HULK SMASH!

Hinata: I wonder if the trigger for his transformation is a spoken word. My womanly intuition says it's "OH, FREAK OUT!"

_By JRDeBo_

During the first fight with the rasenshuriken.

Naruto: He's an idiot. *stares at his counterpart rushing the enemy only to have the attack dissolve before contact*

Choji: He called it a shuriken even if he can't throw it? I bet he would name his dog Spot.

Hinata: He's cute like that, but remind me later to be the one in charge of naming our kids.

Choji: Did he even test this technique? He should of known there was a time limit.

_And, last but not least, more snippets by me!_

*During the first encounter with Sasuke after the Time Skip*

Naruto: Okay, is he... Hugging me or something? Whispering in my ear? What the hell is he doing?

Hinata: Orochimaru destroyed his sense of personal space.

Chouji: No doubt it was a hard, long, penetrating experience.

*Everyone snickers. Sasuke's eyebrow twitches*

Naruto: *As Sakura* "No! I cannot live without you turning me down for dates! Or ignoring me! Come back, it'll be like old times!"

Hinata: As if she wasn't getting it from Kiba every night. Man, she can howl.

*Sakura blushes furiously and angrily denies it*

Chouji: How do you-?

Hinata: Byakugan.

Chouji: Oh. Duh.

*Sasuke turns and glares at the trio*

Sasuke: Fool, I am powerful enough to see through your jutsu. You cannot mock me safely anymore. You should have never pursued me.

Naruto: Awww... But Sasuke! How could I abandon you? You provide, what, 50 percent of the material for the jokes I make?

Hinata: In later episodes, more like 100 percent.

Naruto: That's cold, Hinata, damn cold.

Chouji: Unfortunately, it's accurate.

Sasuke: *draws his blade* I will end your riffing once and for with this-! *Is pwned by a Rasengan to the face by Naruto's clones*

Naruto: Woah... Wait. Did I just break the fourth wall?

Chouji: He broke it first.

On Konohamaru's Rasengan:

Naruto: *in a hillbilly accent* Yeah, yelling at some kid and bopping him on the head will learn him some Rasenganing! Yee haa!

Hinata: What, the brat gets the Rasengan but Sakura is the only female to get a powerup?!

Chouji: I'm concerned by this fixation Kishimoto has on pretty, underaged boys with magical powers... Think he's trying to say something?

Naruto: He doesn't _have_ to say anything, we _know_ he sucks!

On the destruction of Konoha:

Naruto, Chouji, Hinata: KANEDAAAA!

Naruto: Ichiraku Ramen was in that village! You-You maniacs! You blew it all up! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

Chouji: And the Korean Beef Restaurant! And-And McNinja's! *sniffle* You bastard!

Hinata: Gee, y-your concern for the well being of the other people in the village is m-moving, you guys.

Naruto: Eh? There are... Other people in the village?

Chouji: I just thought there was a bunch of potentially interesting characters that the camera occasionally passes over, then immediately switches over to pretty boys with really bad cases of pink eye.

Hinata: You both _suck_.

Naruto: But seriously-What the hell?! Since when did Pein go jihad on us?

Chouji: God of Peace, Religion of Supreme Irony.

Naruto: Amen.

_By all means, review. Flames will be used to toast marshmallows._


	19. Even More Naruto: Terminator Chronicles

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

I have a strange habit of making prequel chapters for my stories the chapter _after_ the first one, and then moving the story forward from there. I dunno, maybe I watch too many movies. Here, enjoy some more _Naruto: Terminator Chronicles_.

* * *

"So... You're a... Robot _and_ a person?" Naruto asked Tenten. The pair were hiding out in a particularly tall tree, in an very dark, inhospitable part of the Forest of Death. Tenten was leaning back against the trunk, arms wrapped around her knees. She looked a little like a small child, Naruto decided-Kind of lost and confused. The skin on her face was regenerating, and her eye had already been replaced-However, this one was bright blue, rather than brown.

"That's... That's what my memories tell me... My new memories," she murmured, tapping the side of her head. Naruto frowned and leaned forward from his own sitting position on the same branch.

"New memories?"

"I... There's like, this computer... In my head," Tenten began quietly. "It's hard to explain, but uh... It's..."

"It's like... Some annoying little toad on your shoulder, talking to you about what you should do and stuff?" Naruto suggested. Tenten snorted a little in laughter and smiled at him.

"Yeah... Pretty much..."

Naruto smiled back, glad to have alleviated some of his rescuer's cloud of gloom. Tenten sighed, and looked over at the huge, crude weapon she'd brought along.

"I'm not sure how much damage I did to the T-X," she admitted, reaching over and picking the weapon up. "This PPR's kind of crude..."

"T-X? PPR?" Naruto asked. Tenten grimaced.

"Sorry... These memories, they keep popping into my head without me noticing," she apologized. "I..."

"Maybe you should start at the beginning?" Naruto gently suggested, thankful that Jiraiya had been teaching him some tact. It wasn't his fault he only remembered it when especially weird shit happened to him. Given his life, he had a higher than usual tolerance!

Tenten seemed to zone out for a bit, and Naruto was about to ask what was wrong before she twitched and began speaking again, in a rather cool, precise voice. As though she was reciting some lecture.

"At least seven hundred years ago, a computer system known as SkyNet was created by a nation called the United States of America. It was to manage every single piece of military hardware at their command into a vast network, not unlike you with your Kage Bunshin. This computer system also managed automated factories designed to build robotic soldiers and weapons in order to prevent the USA's own soldiers from having to fight and die in any more wars. Unfortunately, SkyNet became sentient, and viewed humans as a threat. As a result, SkyNet launched a massive attack across the planet using the United States' weapons, killing billions of people in an event the survivors named 'Judgement Day.'"

Naruto was silent, listening to every word with rapt attention.

"The survivors of humanity organized into a resistance movement, led by a hero named John Conner, fighting against SkyNet's robotic armies and hoping to ultimately defeat SkyNet itself. SkyNet subsequently learned how to utilize time travel, and began to send partially organic, infiltration robots known as Terminators into the past to try and kill John Conner before he could become a threat to SkyNet."

"So what happened?" Naruto interjected.

"SkyNet was ultimately defeated," Tenten said. "However, it transferred much of it's core memory into a space satellite. This satellite laid dormant, orbiting high above the Earth while humanity rebuilt, many new civilizations emerging. Including those that made up the Elemental Continents. It was not until approximately fifteen years ago from this date that SkyNet was rediscovered-By Uchiha Madara."

"Madara?" Naruto asked.

"A very powerful Uchiha who attempted to overthrow the First and Second Hokages," Tenten reported. "He worked for years to obtain his revenge, and thought that it was through the Kyuubi this revenge might be realized."

"He-Wait. You're telling me that _Madara_ sent the Kyuubi against Konoha?!" Naruto asked in total shock. Tenten nodded.

"Correct," she said. Naruto growled, clenching his fists.

"That sick son of a-Argghhh! He's responsible for everything!" Naruto growled. Tenten nodded.

"He is also behind Akatsuki's efforts to obtain the Tailed Beasts, in order to rule the world," Tenten continued. "At least, that was his intention."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked.

"SkyNet has been working with Madara for some time, combining it's technology with advanced fuinjutsu and ninjutsu to increase his power. However, SkyNet will eventually betray and kill Madara, and using this combination of chakra and technology, it will enact another Judgement Day-Controlling the Tailed Beasts Akatsuki has obtained and unleashing them upon the continent. Precisely two years from now," Tenten said. Naruto stared in shock and horror-Tenten's face had not cracked a bit while she was relaying this information. Was this what that "computer" inside her did to her?

"... Konoha?" He asked.

"Destroyed," Tenten stated. "Along with every other major city within the reach of the Beasts."

"Well, what about me?" Naruto demanded. He sure as hell wouldn't take shit like this laying down!

"You assume command of the remaining Konoha ninja, and form a resistance movement. You are significantly aided by the discovery of preserved weapons and technology from the last SkyNet war. Gathering the survivors across the continent, you fight SkyNet and are able to destroy the means by which it controls the Tailed Beasts." Tenten paused.

"However... It had used this time to rebuild much of it's infrastructure and war factories. It utilized cyborg ninja weapons against the Resistance, spreading it's rule across the planet. Once more, you lead the Resistance in battle against SkyNet, learning how to use SkyNet's technology against it. SkyNet recognized you as a primary target it should eliminate, and, much like John Conner before it, SkyNet sent Terminator Units back in time to try and eliminate you."

"Not a very creative computer is it?" Naruto commented.

"No, not really," Tenten said, and Naruto could pick up a hint of humanity in that statement. "Your future self decided that if SkyNet was going to try and alter time, you would attempt to 'alter it right back'. As a result, you sent me into the past."

"You?" Naruto asked. "And... Who are you?"

"..." Tenten was silent for a moment, before she spoke in that same clinical tone she had been using during the lecture.

"I am a Model 1010 Combat and Infiltration Unit. Designation 'Tenten'. Primary Mission: Protect Naruto Uzumaki-"

"No, no, I mean... Are you the Tenten I know? Are you...?" Naruto grimaced. "Man... This is making my head hurt... Have you always been a... A Terminator?"

Tenten was silent for a long time. She reached up to touch her face, feeling the burned edges of her skin... Feeling the metal beneath it...

She trembled and closed her eyes. Naruto blinked.

"Tenten...?"

"... I don't know," she murmured quietly, eyes downcast. "I..."

"Tenten?"

"... I'm not... I'm..." She closed her eyes tightly and tried to hold back a sob. Despite her best efforts though, tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes-Even the regenerating one.

"Tenten? Tenten, are you okay?" Naruto tried.

"NO! NO I'M NOT OKAY!" Tenten screamed at him, making him fall back in shock. "How can I be okay, huh?! I-I just found out I'm a FRAUD! I'm a MACHINE! I'm-I'm-RARRGGHHH!"

She couldn't help it. The anger, the feeling of betrayal, the sorrow... She slammed her fist through the tree trunk in her rage, repeatedly smashing into the wood, hard. Naruto grabbed her from behind, pulling her away as she continued to sob and struggle.

"STOP IT! STOP IT AND LET ME GO!" She turned in his grip and punched him, hard. Naruto wheezed and winced, but couldn't move as the Terminator pummeled him in her rage.

After a while, she stopped, breathing hard and leaning against him. Naruto managed to repress a groan of agony-Holy shit that had _hurt!_

"I... I'm not... I'm... I'm a fraud... A fake..." She sobbed. "I'm _nothing_ but a fucking _weapon!_"

With the arm that wasn't broken, Naruto wrapped the sobbing girl up in a hug, trying to comfort her as best he could.

"It's okay Tenten," he wheezed. "It's okay..."

Tenten's crying slowed down to sniffles, and she looked up at him miserably.

"God... I'm just... I'm..."

Naruto shook his head with a wince. "It's okay... I mean... You're... You're feeling all this, right?"

Tenten slowly nodded.

"So... I dunno, I don't think you're just a machine," Naruto said. "I mean... You did save my life... You'd do that even if you weren't a... You know, right? And you would still save anyone else's life too."

Tenten sniffled.

Naruto shook his head. "Just because you've got... Ya know, metal parts and stuff doesn't mean that what happened to you, the people you've met, everything... It doesn't mean it wasn't real. Or that you weren't real... You're feeling upset. I... I never met a kunai that was upset before..."

Tenten couldn't help a snort of laughter at that, in between her sniffles. She gently hugged Naruto-And winced when he groaned.

"N-Naruto? Oh! Oh shit, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

"D-Don't worry about it," Naruto managed with a pained grin. "I-I'll be fine! Not that bad..."

"Not that bad?! You've got broken ribs! I can feel them-"

"GAH! Then _don't_ TOUCH them!"

"Sorry! Sorry!"

* * *

_Yeah, not exactly very good. But maybe it got a laugh out of you, I don't know._


	20. Who Are You Going to Call? Snippets

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Just some random silliness from the Konoha: Ghostbusters thread.

* * *

_Brilliant_, he told himself. _Just fucking _brilliant. Tell the Daimyo of Fire Country _they_ can handle whatever-it-is that's about to enter their world where armies of ninjas can't. Something even the Kyuubi trembled at.

Sasuke shook his head in disbelief. _Why did I have to get assigned to the team with psychotic idiots?_

He found himself thinking this every step up the gigantic, ancient building with the ominous temple on top. The central focus of all the spiritual activity in Fire Country. Where he, the dobe, Sakura, and that Hyuuga girl were inside, prepared to battle the unknown menace and hopefully save the world.

They reached the top of the stairs onto the ancient temple steps, just in time to see Rock Lee and Yamanaka Ino be blasted by purple lightening, the massive doors of the temple opening in the circuit of psychic energies. His Sharingan told him just how dire their situation was, the raw spiritual power nearly blinding him.

"INO!" Naruto screamed, just before the blonde girl and Lee transformed into hideous, deformed, horned dogs. The five Ghostbusters had taken cover, and now looked again. The nearest dog, the one that had been Ino, turned and snarled at them, while the one that had been Rock Lee howled at Sakura's appearance.

Sasuke looked over at Naruto, unsure of what to say. Naruto turned to look at him, looking exceedingly grim.

"So... She's a dog," he mumbled. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"Yes... She is..."

Looking into the other dimension the door to the temple had opened, a small part of Naruto's mind was in awe. An actual inter-dimensional cross-rip! Sure, he acted like an idiot a lot, but he'd studied the notes and journals of the Ghostbusters just as long as Sakura had, and he was already doing some mental calculations on the planar mechanics of this dimension.

He caught sight of the terror dog that had been Ino, and his mind quieted. _Save the world now, geek out later,_ he told himself.

The doors to the otherworld temple that the steps led to opened with a flash of light, and a figure stepped out. Sakura had her PKE meter out, while the less-professional members of their group stared.

"It's... A girl?" Hinata asked. Sasuke frowned.

"From the notes you gave us, I thought Gozer was supposed to be a man."

"It's whatever it wants to be," Sakura stated simply.

"Well whatever it is, it's gotta get by us first!" Naruto shouted.

"Right!" Hinata contributed.

"Go get her Sasuke!"

Sasuke blinked, and turned to look at Naruto. The blond looked back.

"What? You're the nobility here. You go talk to her."

"You're the _leader_," Sasuke stated sarcastically. "Why don't _you_ go talk to her. And if we're going by nobility, Hinata should go."

"What? Are you crazy? We're not sending Hinata up to talk to that thing!" Naruto growled, making Hinata blush a bit at his protective attitude. "Fine, _I'll_ go."

Naruto set off, grumbling a bit. Sakura sighed.

"Well, he does have the best chance, all things considered," she said.

Naruto went up a few steps, stuffing down the irritation he felt when Gozer rubbed the top of Ino's head. He cleared his throat.

"Gozer the Gozarian?"

With an ominous growl the entity turned to regard him.

"Good evening," Naruto returned in as professional a tone he could manage. "As a duly designated representative of the Hidden Village of Konoha, of Fire Country of the Elemental Countries, I order you to cease all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or the nearest convenient parallel dimension!"

Sasuke just stared in utter disbelief. Hinata and Sakura weren't much better.

"Right, _that_ should do it," Sakura muttered sarcastically.

"Are you a God?" Gozer asked Naruto. Naruto shrugged.

"If you ask women, I am," he replied. Sakura slapped her palm to her face. Hinata blushed.

Gozer smirked. "You contain one of my minions, yet you defy me?"

Naruto shrugged. "Er, well... Yeah?"

"Then... DIE!"

Everyone was knocked off their feet and sent tumbling, screaming down the temple steps by the blasts of lightening, finally rolling into a heap at the edge of the roof. Naruto groaned as he laid between Sasuke and Hinata. Sakura had ended up on top of a bench, and panted as she glared angrily at Naruto.

"Hey... Don't... Blame me... It was totally... A trick question!" Naruto bit out.

* * *

_And now, some snippets written by Kenko:_

* * *

To Naruto's personal horror, Sasuke strode up to the THING. The THING that was menacing Konoha, in fact soon the entire land of Fire, and soon enough the entire world! Sasuke either had one of his genius moment-- or was about to do something incredibly stupid-- at least in Ghostbusting terms-- and Naruto could never tell what.

"By the authority of the Land of Fire and the Council of the Village Hidden In the Leaf, I herby require and exhort you to return to the dimension or dimensions of your origin, and cease and desist all paranormal and/or supernatural activity forthwith."

It was stupid.

"Are you a-- Eh?"

The THING stared at Naruto.

"Oh. Oh, sorry. Terribly sorry, don't know what I was thinking. Didn't mean to intrude. DREADFULLY sorry. I'll be leaving now. EH-heh-heh. All my bad. Leaving a few dozen kilos of gold to pay for the repairs, okay?"

And the THING went poof.

Naruto stared in dull shock at the empty space where the THING had been, the THING that would have destroyed the world, the THING that had-- although he had no idea that that was the reason for the retreat-- had recognised Kyuubi within him and had taken the better part of valor.

Then he walked over to Sasuke, grabbed his collar, and wildly shaking him, screamed "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU PULL THAT OFF?!?"

Sakura sighed. Even SHE didn't think Sasuke was QUITE that cool...

* * *

All eyes turned to Kakashi.

"It.. it's not my fault! I TRIED to think of nothing! I really did! But... but... there was just this image... it just leapt into my mind. I couldn't stop it! So I tried to think of something innocent... something that could never EVER hurt us..."

It was huge. It was monstrous. But mostly it was stacked in a very, very short dress.

"So, I though of Yuri-chan from Icha-Icha Paradise."

As the titanic, wet-dream inspiring girl started her rampage though Konoha, Naruto had only one thing to say about that...

"Dude, I can SO see her panties... and right now that's not a comfort at all."

* * *

_Yeah, I know, it's random but writer's block and all that… _


	21. Two Hyuuga Honeys for the Price of One

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

A bit from an idea of mine involving making Neji a girl. Viewer discretion is advised.

* * *

Sarutobi had seen a lot of bizarre, off-the-wall applications of ninja skills in his long career. A fair number of them he could attribute to two ninja in particular, one of which was currently down in the chuunin exam arena.

However, he had to admit, this was... Definitely new.

The match had begun simply, ordinarily enough-Naruto Uzumaki, dead last in his class against Neji Hyuuga, the top in her class. Naruto had sworn to win in order to avenge Neji's cousin, Hinata-Which had made Sarutobi very proud. It seemed Naruto's macking genes from his father might be kicking in sooner than he'd suspected.

The battle had started out with Naruto barraging Neji with clones, and the Hyuuga genius defeating them with ease. However, Naruto was merely testing her, understanding what she could do. Even the Kaiten he'd managed to counter, hitting her the moment she'd spun to a stop.

It was here that things had begun to get rather... Weird.

No doubt due to his sensei's influence, Naruto had had his clones capture Neji, bring her over to him, and set her over his lap. He'd then proceeded to yank down her tight black shorts and spank her. All with a rather sadistic grin on his face.

Neji, mortified, was unable to do much of anything for several swats, until Naruto had shifted his knee in just the right way to make her orgasm. The fact she did it in front of a huge crowd of spectators (the men of which nearly all drooling, as well as a few women) enraged her enough to pull off a partial Kaiten, blasting Naruto and his clones away and leaving her standing, breathing hard, her shorts still down to her thighs and her hair utterly ruined.

She looked like a goddess of war as she yanked up her shorts and stalked over to the shocked Naruto, Byakugan eyes blazing in fury.

However, instead of killing Naruto as everyone in the audience had presumed she would (even the Hokage), she'd yanked him to his feet, turned him around and shoved her glowing hands down his pants. The shocked Naruto's eyes had gone cross-eyed, as Neji furiously whispered something into his ear. No one could hear her, but the Hokage easily read her lips-"It's your turn you goddamned pervert!"

Despite the fact it looked like he was getting the best handjob of his life, not to mention his first, Naruto looked like he was able to keep it together.. At First. He was getting it from a Hyuuga, whose hands were usually smoother than silk thanks to the Gentle Fist, and combined with their ability to warm their hands with chakra to controlled levels, well... It didn't take long before Naruto was breathing hard and shaking. Neji smirked, whispering to him again "It's fate. You're mine."

This seemed to trigger something in Naruto, whose eyes narrowed in determination. Spinning around, he grabbed the surprised Neji by the shoulders, shouted "Fate's got nothing to do with it!" and then kissed her as deeply as he could.

The struggling between them finally descended into ripping eachother's clothing off and going at it like dogs in heat. Kiba Inuzuka had immediately begun cheering Naruto on, as did several other men before being attacked by women-Often their wives or girlfriends.

Of course, the women couldn't help but be affected, many adopting shocked, aroused and disbelieving looks as Nruto proceeded to make Neji scream into several orgasms. The Hokage counted ten for sure, nine possibles. The moans and screams she put out as Naruto used his devastating "Gangbang no jutsu" made it difficult to tell between individual ones.

Genma, stunned into silence as he continued to watch the spectacle, finally had enough presence of mind to declare Naruto the winner after Neji passed out with a huge grin on her face. Naruto, not even looking winded, abruptly realized he was naked in a stadium full of spectators. Turning completely red, he gathered his and Neji's clothing up, before taking himself and his "foe" to the infirmary, to many catcalls, whistles and cheers.

"I must say, Hokage-sama," the Kazekage said in what could be called an amused tone, "that Konoha's talents have been severely... Understated."

Sarutobi sighed. "Yes, Kazekage-sama... it seems that they have."

* * *

The events of the invasion had almost overshadowed the events of Naruto and Neji's match... But, given that Naruto had been heavily involved in the defense of the village, the match inevitably continued to be a hot topic in Konoha.

Women who had once scorned Naruto were feeling incredibly envious of Neji. Men were feeling incredibly envious of Naruto's performance, and impressed with the fact he'd had the balls (literally and otherwise) to gangbang her in front of thousands of people to defeat her.

And Hiashi Hyuuga? Well, the Lord of the Byakugan was faced with something of a conundrum.

On one hand, the Kyuubi container had essentially violated Neji, a member of the clan, in public. The fact she had violated him right back notwithstanding, their actions were still considered shameful... At least by the Hyuuga Elders.

On the other... Uzumaki had helped Neji over her hatred, her anger of her family, and had saved the village from Shukkaku. He had shown himself brave, powerful, resourceful, and determined.

More to the point, he was not unaware of his eldest daughter's crush on the Kyuubi container. The Hyuuga Elders were very unhappy about _that_ as well. Insisting he do something about his weak daughter and embarassing niece.

"Well..." He mused, thinking about it. A small, evil smile emerged on his face. "If they were unhappy about that... They'll be even more unhappy about _this_..."

A few days later, Hinata and Neji were struck dumb by the announcement of Hiashi that he had arranged their marriages to Naruto. Hinata had whooped and shot off fireworks she had kept under her bed, while Neji just stayed frozen, staring in astonishment at her uncle.

"Neji? Does this not please you?" Hiashi asked, managing to look stern even as Hinata did cartwheels and backflips amid the flares and sparklers in the courtyard. Neji just shook her head.

"N-No, Uncle... However... I must ask... Why?"

"Simple. The Hyuuga Elders were going to force me to make you marry him anyway, due to him... 'Tainting' you," Hiashi replied with a snort. Neji blushed furiously.

"Ah... But... Hinata...?"

"Well... If he joins the clan, he'll be part of the branch family. That is why he will marry you first," Hiashi stated. He then smirked. "Of course, when he then marries Hinata, it will unite both branch and main families. The elders know of your marriage to him... They will not know of Hinata's marriage until it is too late." Hiashi took a sip of his tea.

"And really... Considering how he has inspired Hinata, and... Helped you... I imagine giving you something in common to rebuild your friendship is the least I can do to make amends." He smirked.

"Making you both happy, and getting the container of the Kyuubi no Youko to father the next generation of Hyuugas, making us even more powerful? I'd say that's an excellent move to make."

"Of course, considering Hinata's performance... It may not stay a secret much longer," Neji pointed out as Hinata danced with a startled Hanabi past the door. Hiashi smirked.

"Well, too bad. The marriage has been arranged with the Village Council, which will support me. The Elders are out of their league here."

Neji bowed... Before giving in and hugging her uncle happily. Hiashi smiled, and hugged her back.

Naturally, this news was not quite as well taken by everyone else involved...

"Wait a minute... I HAVE TO WHAT?!" Naruto shouted in disbelief. "DAMN YOU ERO-SENNNINNNNNNN!"

* * *

_Yes I am a pervert. No, this should not be a huge surprise to anyone.  
_


	22. New Intros 2

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

More New Intros and Time Loop shenanigans!

* * *

Kakashi had seen a number of unusual things in his ninja career. That went without saying, considering who he was. The infamous Copy Ninja, student of the Yellow Flash, survivor of the Secret Wars.

But this was pushing things.

Uzumaki Naruto. He'd seen him before-Blonde, wearing orange, loud and annoying. The Kyuubi container. Hyper, dimwitted...

This Naruto, however, had none of the fidgeting anxiety he had expected. He sat confidently, in a black uniform with hard black boots and unusual patches on the shoulders and breast. One was round with a blue planet against a black background with a strange, upside-down V-shaped symbol with a little circle over the top, on his left shoulder. Underneath it was a patch with a Konoha leaf symbol. On the right shoulder was a similar circular patch with a number 1 in the center, a chevron underneath it. His forehead protector was wrapped around his neck.

But more than this was Naruto's whole demeanor. He was grinning like he had a secret-A secret that meant pain and mayhem for anyone foolish enough to cross him. There was a sureness to his gaze, like he could take on the world and _win_.

Kakashi shifted his gaze to Haruno Sakura. Again, it looked like he'd gotten the wrong records. This girl wore a light, desert-colored tunic, long leggings, and long sleeves he just knew were hiding weapons if he wasn't a ninja. More than that though was the unusual serenity in her gaze, almost otherworldly. She seemed like she could win a staring context with a mountain. Utterly focused and unflappable. Definitely not the spazzy fangirl he'd expected.

Finally, he looked over at Uchiha Sasuke. He repressed a sigh of relief-The Uchiha survivor was dressed in dark clothing, his family crest on his back and forehead protector across his brow. He was not, however, entirely dark and angsty. He kept giving Naruto and Sakura uneasy glances.

The grin on Naruto's face and slight quirk of Sakura's eyebrows indicated that these looks were not unnoticed.

"Okay... Pinky, you go first," Kakashi coughed. Sakura smiled.

"Hello, I'm Haruno Sakura. I like mathematics, physics, syrup-coated anko dumplings and umeboshi, and jazz music. I dislike traitors, mindless fangirls, spicy foods except for Thai, and the Goa'uld. My hobbies include baking, statistical analysis, playing the flute, and studying new technologies. My goal is to make the galaxy a better place for everyone..." Here she blushed, "... And be as great a scientist as Dr. Rodney McKay."

Kakashi nodded, as Naruto rolled his eyes. "Okay... Good... Next-"

Sakura's head bowed, and raised her head again. Her eyes flashed gold for a second.

"I am also Sakura, though for simplicity's sake I am known as Inner Sakura or Kiyohime," 'Sakura' said, in a slightly deeper and strangely modulated voice. "I am an additional personality inside Sakura. I too would like to introduce myself."

Kakashi blinked (or technically winked), and slowly nodded. Naruto snickered as Sasuke visibly shuddered.

"... Sure?"

"I too like mathematics, physics, umeboshi, jasmine tea and music, though I prefer JPop," Kiyohime began. She grimaced.

"Do not make fun of the entire genre, Sakura, not all of it is mindless techno."

"Don't mind that, they're always arguing," Naruto assured Kakashi. The Copy Nin betrayed none of this thoughts, he just continued staring.

"I dislike coffee, the Goa'uld, traitors, and travel by land vehicle," Kiyohime continued. "My hobbies are Sakura's hobbies, though I love swimming more than she does."

Sakura bowed her head again, and glowered.

"I like swimming just fine!"

Another shift.

"Not as much as I do."

Another shift.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Uh, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei looks freaked out enough," Naruto grinned. Kakashi glowered as Sakura huffed, and Inner Sakura retook control.

"My ultimate goal is to defeat the Goa'uld and have many children with Naruto," Inner Sakura finished with a wicked smirk. Naruto coughed. Kakashi blinked again. Dreading it, he looked over at Naruto and nodded.

"Okay... You next..."

"Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto," the blonde said in a cheerful tone. "I like blowing stuff up, Earth, Hinata-chan, Hina-chan, Tenten-chan, Ino-chan, Shion-chan, Sakura-chan, Shizune-chan, Mikoto-chan, Haku-chan and Tsunade-chan, flying, ramen, guns and exploring, though that's only a partial list. I dislike Goa'uld, Wraith, Ori, traitors, emos, lazy assholes such as the Nox and Tollan, the NID, Oma Dessala... Actually, nevermind. I'll send you a complete list of both later if you want."

"No thanks," Kakashi said quickly. Already he was getting a headache. Goa'uld? Tollan? Ori? What the hell was all of this? Some elaborate role playing game the two were playing?

"Anyway, my hobbies include blowing things up, shooting things, playing pranks, saving the universe, " at this Sakura rolled her eyes, "having lots of sex with beautiful women, flying, chess and gardening. Though I like fishing too... Mainly because you can do nearly everything else I just mentioned while doing it."

Kakashi slowly nodded. Right, he was going to be Chidori-ing the records guy for sure.

"And finally, my goal? Save the universe, get married, have lots of kids, become the leader of SG-1 and then the Hokage! But not for a good long while," Naruto concluded with a grin. Kakashi slowly looked over at Sasuke, hoping for some normalcy.

"Okay... You, go..."

"I'm Uchiha Sasuke... And I would really like a transfer," Sasuke mumbled, shaking and looking over at the other two with a tic in his eye. Naruto grinned and the Uchiha shuddered.

"Still reeling from seeing me and your mom, huh emo-boy?"

"DIE!" Sasuke bellowed, moving to decapitate Naruto with a kunai.

A shrill electronic noise rang out, a burst of blue energy shooting into Sasuke. Stunned, the Uchiha survivor fell back, twitching. Naruto grinned and spun a strange, cobra-shaped device around his fingers. Sakura looked affronted.

"Naruto!"

"Oh c'mon, you would have done it too..."

Inner Sakura took control and smirked wickedly.

"Damn right."

"This is going to be a _fun_ loop," Naruto cackled. "What number are we on again?"

"Twenty-seven," Sakura said with a disapproving expression. Kakashi coughed as they both turned and looked at him.

"Well... See you tommorrow dismissed _bye_!"

He vanished in a poof of smoke. Sakura and Naruto grinned at each other.

"Let's just hope Dr. Jackson doesn't rush the translating," Naruto stated, standing up to cause more mayhem. Sakura stood up with him and cracked her neck.

"Indeed."

* * *

_Appearing in "Stargate: Konoha", eventually._

* * *

"Geez... This is starting to give me a headache," Ino moaned, walking along with Naruto and Hinata. The whiskered blonde nodded with a sigh.

"Yeah... I've lost count of how many times we've been through."

"Five hundred, forty-three times," Hinata said with a small smile. Naruto snorted and smirked at this.

"Always keeping track, huh?"

"Well, this and sex keeps me from going insane and killing everyone within a fifty-mile radius," Hinata said cheerfully. Naruto coughed, as did Ino. The blondes looked at eachother and silently agreed to make sure Hinata never went without nookie.

"So, I was thinking, this loop, we try to find the source and put everything we have into it, after taking care of the usual checklist," Ino changed the subject. Naruto nodded and frowned thoughtfully.

"Seriously? You think we can break it?"

"In theory," Hinata replied. "I've been studying what the library has on quantum physics and temporal mechanics... Admittedly, it's not much-"

"But maybe enough to get us out of here?" Naruto asked with a grin. Ino and Hinata exchanged looks.

"Well..."

"Um..."

"Let me guess... Slim chance of succeeding, and even if it does work we're facing a good chance of dying in unspeakably horrible ways?" Naruto asked. Ino coughed again. Hinata blushed and sighed.

"Yep."

"..." Naruto shrugged. "What the hell, let's do it!"

All three ignored Iruka's furious, but distant bellow of "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, NARUTO?!"

* * *

The SGC messhall was located on Level 22, fully stocked nearly around the clock for the busy, top secret base. It had become one of Naruto's favorite places at his "home away from home", for several reasons.

The primary being, of course, food. While he still loved ramen, the sheer variety of foods on Earth had made his diet a _lot_ bigger, which showed in his much improved physique.

"So, for the mission to P7U-991, I was thinking we could have Hinata go in first since they have a Chinese cultural ancestry, and the Hyuuga show a lot of similarities to them," Sakura spoke on the other side of the table, peering over her glasses as Naruto cheerfully devoured the large meal in front of him.

"Mmhm," Naruto agreed. Sakura glanced over at Sasuke, who was similarly focused on his own food, though not eating it with the same gusto or lack of manners as Naruto was.

"Sasuke, this might also be a good chance to try out the new modifications made to the Plasma Guns. You've told me several times that they've overheated more than you like...?"

"Hn," Sasuke stated, drinking deeply of his glass of soda. Sakura sighed and rolled her eyes.

"And Ino and I will be having rough lesbian sex in the Gateroom in twenty minutes."

"Right," Naruto nodded. Sasuke grunted.

"We'll be selling tickets and you two don't get any," Sakura added dully.

"Yup."

"Mmhm."

"Damnit what is _with_ you two?" Sakura demanded, slamming her clipboard down on the table. "You're acting so _weird!_"

"We're just waiting," Sasuke stated. Naruto nodded, and began juggling some hard-boiled eggs. Sakura blinked.

"Waiting? Waiting for what?"

"Well, we took this loop off... Why you aren't remembering things I haven't a clue," Naruto spoke. He looked over at Sasuke who sighed.

"Teal'c and the Colonel are still not done," he said. Naruto shrugged again.

"Eh... They'll figure it out... We'll figure it out."

"Eventually."

"Yes, eventually."

"_What?_" Sakura demanded.

Red lights and alarms sounded.

"_Unscheduled offworld activation! We have an unscheduled-!_"

Everything around them seemed to suddenly change with a bright flash of light. Blinking a few times, Naruto looked around.

"So, state your name, your likes, your dislikes, hobbies, goals, that sort of thing," Kakashi said as he sat perched on the side of the roof nearby. Naruto and Sasuke sighed and turned to the now-confused looking Sakura.

"That," they said together.

* * *

"Okay... There seems to have been a minor misunderstanding here," Naruto said. He stood up. "Naruto, maximize!"

The other members of Team 7 stared in disbelief as Naruto seemed to... _Explode_, parts rearranging themselves into the form of a blue, orange and silver robot with whisker marks and glowing red eyes.

"I'm Naruto, a Maximal who accidentally crashed onto this planet and assumed the form of a human child to protect myself from the excess Energon in the atmosphere, and to blend in," the robot explained. "The Kyuubi was another Transformer, a giant one, possibly twisted by Unicron into doing his bidding, I don't know for sure. All I know is that his Spark is inside me and it'll stay that way."

"Naruto? Is that what you're going by now?" Sasuke snorted. He too "maximized", becoming a vaguely bat-like robot with sharp teeth. "Excellent! Now, we can contact Cybertron, and maybe get to some better forms..."

"Nightscream?!" Naruto asked in disbelief.

"Yeah! And you must be Cheetor, right? Or some other yellow, Kid Appeal robot..."

Sakura, meanwhile, had curled up into a ball and was rocking back and forth, mumbling about her "happy place", while Kakashi just sighed.

"Beloved said they'd get their memories back soon, but I did not believe her until now," he murmured, a hint of the knight-like Maximal he was behind his only visible eye.

Though Sasuke being that annoying emo bat bot back on Cybertron sure explained a lot...

* * *

_Enjoy this entry._


	23. Who Are you Going to Call? More Snippets

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Have some more random silliness from the Konoha: Ghostbusters thread.

* * *

The new apartment complex Ino had moved into after graduation was some prime real estate, Naruto thought as he leaped down to street level. He adjusted his tie and checked the flower pot he'd brought with him. He grinned.

"Yeah. Stylin'," Naruto winked at his reflection in a nearby window. The clothing the Ghostbusters had worn wherever they were from was weird compared to the fashions of Konoha, but they were most definitely cool. And a nice black suit, white shirt and tie made him look _awesome_. Whistling a jaunty tune, he headed for the entrance to the apartment building, blinking at the Military Police gathered around a few smashed flower shops.

"Hey, what happened?" He asked. One of the policemen shrugged.

"Eh, some guy's ninja dog went berserk. He kept it in his closet."

"Ouch," Naruto winced. "Not a class act, this guy?"

"Oh no, stand-up kid, just, eh... Little weird."

Naruto shrugged and walked into the apartment complex, hitting the elevator button. It wasn't his problem, no siree bob, not tonight! He finally had a date with Ino, and it was going to be great!

... Okay, so they were going to be discussing what he'd learned about these "Zuul" and "Gozer" characters, particularly after Ino saw what looked like another dimension in her refrigerator, but still-He counted it as a date. He knew he was winning her over.

Upon reaching Ino's floor, Naruto walked out and walked down the hallway to Ino's apartment, carefully stepping over the broken pieces of door littering the carpet. He waved at the policemen talking with witnesses at the apartment where said door had come from, and made it to Ino's. He knocked, and stepped back a little.

The door slowly opened, revealing a dark apartment within. Ino stood in the doorframe, wrapped in something red and... See-through. Her hair was down and waving out around her in utter defiance of gravity. Naruto gulped as Ino stared at him with glazed eyes, and the Kyuubi within him twitched in familiarity.

"Um... That's... A new look for you, Ino-chan," Naruto tried. Ino breathed deeply.

"Are you the Keymaster?" She asked in an ethereal tone. Naruto blinked.

"Uh... Not that I know of."

_SLAM!_ The door was closed. He knocked on the door again, and Ino once more opened it, sighing slightly.

"Are you the Keymaster?" She inquired again. Naruto nodded with a forced smile.

"Yes! Actually, I'm a close friend of his, he sent me ahead," the Ghostbuster said, entering as Ino seemed to float away, staring at him with an odd, almost drugged smile. Naruto began looking around Ino's apartment.

The mirrors were covered in ectoplasm, the lights were burnt out, and a number of other items were floating around in odd patterns.

Yep. Demonic possession.

_Damn._

Naruto looked back at Ino, who had floated over to the window to look out at the village.

"We still going out tonight?"

She turned and stared at him, just breathing strangely. Naruto frowned, and decided to get serious.

"Who am I speaking to?"

"I am Zuul, the Gatekeeper," Ino said in her same breathy tone, though there was the hint of a growl in her voice. Naruto nodded.

_Shit._

"So, what are we doing tonight Zuul?" He asked.

"We must prepare for the coming of Gozer," Ino spoke again, turning and floating into the bedroom. Naruto followed, and stood next to her bed as she settled down on it.

"Gozer huh?"

"The Destructor," she said with a nod. Naruto sighed.

"Well... That sounds fun... But you know what would be really fun?"

"Taking me like the bestial subcreature you are?" Ino hissed, stretching in a sexy way. Naruto blinked a couple of times.

"... Okay, that would be fun-No, no, something else."

Ino hissed again and stared at him.

"What I would like is to be able to speak to Ino. Can you do that?"

"There is no Ino, only Zuul," Ino stated flatly. Naruto bent down and turned Ino over, somewhat reluctantly keeping her hands from trying to caress him.

_Figures she'd need to be possessed to want me,_ he thought, only half-jokingly. This was serious.

"Now Zuul, I know that's not true. I'm a professional. C'mon, put your hands over your chest-Good goo-No, not like tha-" Naruto's jaw dropped as Ino pulled her top down enticingly. He shook his head and pulled it back up.

"Now, just relax, take deep breaths, relax... Good..."

Ino's heartrate was seriously high, even for her. She leered up at him with gleaming teeth.

"Now, focus on Ino. Ino. I would like to talk to Ino... Ino? Can you hear me?"

Ino whimpered a bit, and flinched, before looking at Naruto with a bestial expression.

"**THERE IS NO INO, ONLY ZUULLLL,**" she snarled in a decidedly inhuman voice.

"Might want to cut back to a pack a day," Naruto quipped. "Now look... I'm going to give you to the count of three to let me talk to Ino... Otherwise, I'm going to let my own little demon buddy out. And then... There will be trouble."

Ino hissed at him as he pulled away, and glared down at her.

"One..."

The possessed blond twitched and writhed.

"Two...!"

Ino clenched her fists and teeth and snarled. Naruto grimaced but continued.

"Two and a half...!"

With a loud snarl Ino rose above her bed, as did nearly everything else in the room. Naruto blinked as she rotated around and stared down at her bed, an expression of sadness on her face. He bent down and looked up at her. She extended a hand and lightly cupped his cheek, and in her eyes he thought he could see the real Ino.

"Ino... Can you come down please?" He asked quietly.

And then she was gone, replaced with a snarling Zuul.

"**RAWR!**" She bellowed, swiping at him. He dodged, falling off the bed and landing on his face on the floor.

"Ow..."

_(This next part written by DhampyrX2)_

Something primal in Naruto's mind seemed to come awake at the intimidating roar Ino had delivered as he back away for a moment. It was as if his very soul recoiled at the thought of backing down from Zuul like that, or more specifically, an entity contained in his soul be a seal on his belly.

"**Have you got something you want to say to me and my container, mutt?**" the demonic voice of the Kyuubi snarled as Naruto's eyes went red and his pupils slitted.

Ino actually looked stunned as she replied, "Kyuubi?"

"**I'm waiting for an answer, servant of Gozer,**" Kyuubi responded through Naruto again.

"Um, sorry. Can't talk. Sleeping now," Ino's possessed form replied before literally passing out on the bed.

Naruto blinked in confusion as he regained full control of his body again and his eyes returned to their normal blue. "You know sometimes I forget just how scary the bastard fox can really be," he muttered to himself as he checked the other blond's condition.

**That, is why you fail,** Kyuubi responded sagely in the back of his mind.

_(And this next part added by Typhonis)_

"**Have you got something you want to say to me and my container, mutt?**" the demonic voice of the Kyuubi snarled as Naruto's eyes went red and his pupils slitted.

"Yes Gozer has something for me to tell you oh great Kyuubi," Ino replied with a sultry smile. "Whipped cream bikini good for you?"

* * *

_A full length Ghostbusters/Naruto story is currently in the works with my good friend, MandalorianJedi. Keep an eye out for it!_


	24. Dolphin Man SNIPPETS!

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

A few older snippets for Dolphin Man.

* * *

Naruto groaned and rubbed the back of his head, glaring at the tree trunk before him. It was pockmarked with kunai cuts from his training. He looked over at Sasuke and saw that the Uchiha heir was also still going strong.

_Damnit, I can't let him show me up! I'll-!_

"NEVER FEAR, NARUTO! DOLPHIN MAN IS HERE!"

Naruto gasped and grinned. "Dolphin Man!"

Sasuke fell off the tree in shock and landed on his back with a thud. "Ungh!"

"Whoops!" Dolphin Man said, sticking to the side of another tree with ease. "I apologize for startling you, good citizen!"

Sasuke's only reply was to glare hatefully at the Man with a Porpoise. Dolphin Man turned to Naruto with a wide grin.

"I heard you ran into trouble, so I decided to come and assist you, chum!"

"Chum?" Asked Sasuke in disbelief. Naruto grinned.

"Yeah! Dolphin Man's my hero and friend!"

"Then he must be as big a loser as you!" Sasuke shot back. Dolphin Man shook his head as Naruto seethed.

"Now now, Naruto! Don't let Sasuke's insults harm you! He's just making up for low self-esteem and intense angst brought on from unresolved childhood trauma!"

"I have no idea what any of that meant, but it doesn't sound good," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head.

"Indeed it is not, Naruto! Which is why Sasuke here needs our help!" Dolphin Man shouted. Sasuke blanched.

"Oh God, no! No more help! Not again!"

"Ohhh..." Naruto grinned evilly. "Okay! Sasuke, hold still!"

"NO! NO, NOT AGAIIINNN!" Sasuke screamed, as Dolphin Man held tightly onto the back of his shirt to keep him from running.

"Now now, you must learn to confront your demons, Sasuke! HA HA!"

Naruto formed the appropriate handseals.

"CHEER UP NO JUTSU!"

Sasuke's screams could be heard for miles...

* * *

"HA HA! Your time has come, Zabuza Momochi!"

Zabuza looked away from Kakashi just in time to catch a foot to the face.

_POW!_

"GAH! Wh-WHAT THE HELL?!" Zabuza demanded, reeling from both the blow and the fact that the word "POW" had appeared in midair above him. The blue-clad... Circus performer? laughed heartily.

"HA HA! I am Dolphin Man! Champion of Justice!"

"..."

Zabuza looked over at Kakashi, who had brought his face to his palm.

"Don't. Ask," the Konoha ninja advised.

"More tea, Dolphin Man?" Tsunami asked with a severe blush. Dolphin Man graciously accepted the cup with a smile.

"Thank you, Tsunami-san! I appreciate your hospitality!"

Naruto was smiling happily at the table. The battle was won, Gato was defeated, and everything had turned out great. Zabuza was alive, talking with Kakashi animatedly after they had discovered their mutual love for Icha Icha. Sasuke was still silent and shivering in a corner while Sakura tried to coax him out of his traumatized state.

And Naruto's new best friend Haku (who had revealed herself to really be a girl) was now at his side, smiling and blushing at him severely. Naruto had no idea what Dolphin Man told Haku-chan, but whatever it had been must have been good for her to glomp him so happily!

Though why she kept looking at his pants and licking her lips he couldn't figure out...

"I hope you like the tea, it's a... Special blend," Tsunami giggled. Dolphin Man coughed... And with a nod sipped at his tea.

"Yes... It's very good," he complimented. Tsunami giggled and blushed, before walking to the kitchen.

"I'll be back with more~," she said, winking at Dolphin Man. The Delphine Defender discretely switched the tea with Inari's. The little boy drank it, and with a smile and blush on his face... Passed out.

Dolphin Man shivered. _Just once, I'd like to drink some tea and not have to worry about a roofie..._

* * *

_By Vesvius_

"What... is going on here?" Dolphinman asked. Sure, he was used to this stuff from Anko, and maybe a bit from those crazy Hyuuga, but this? Seriously, this?

"Genma?"

"Who is this... _Genma_ you mention?" The man who was clearly Genma, only in black and covered with senbon, asked. "I know no Genma. I am... THE NEEDLER!"

"The Needler?"

"Yes, the Needler!"

"Umm... okay?"

"Ah, I knew you would want to know how this happened?"

"No, not really."

"My Supervillain backstory begins long ago, when I-"

"I really don't want to know."

"It begins when I was defending my village from the Suna invasion. I was severely wounded by that strange man with half his face covered, so I put in for medical leave. WHICH WASN'T GRANTED! I have no idea why the Hokage has no wish to pay me while I'm recovering, but I have doned the costume in order to make ends meet!"

"...."

"Hah, I knew my villain backstory would leave him speechless."


	25. Amateur Chapter 1: Dolphin Man Omake

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

Now, I'm going to begin a new feature for this story, which I'll call "Amateur Chapters". If you'd like to write another bit for an existing story concept, or your own story idea, just PM me it and I'll post it in the next update. Not every chapter from now on will be an "Amateur Chapter", just so you know.

Up first, we have a Dolphin Man Omake by _Sorakage Sama_!

* * *

"So, Iruka thinks he can steal my students from me does he?" Kakashi scowled

as he brooded over his favorite book series.

He paced back and forth as he looked through his Dolphin man scrapbook in an

attempt to come up with a solution.

"I HAVE IT! I'll become an even better superhero than Dolphin Man in order to

win back the approval and adoration of my charges!" the copy cat grinned.

And with that, kakashi began to root through his closet for the perfect

costume to use in fighting crime.

Kakashi stitched his wall sized Icha Icha tactics poster onto a length of

cloth, making it into a makeshift cape. He cut one of his masks up and made a

domino mask with one eye hole. And last but not least: an instant iron on

print of a picture straight from his favorite book series pressed onto his

spare jump suit and a super hero was born!

* * *

Later that week...

"Soon the criminals of the hidden countries will tremble at the name of 'ICHA

ICHA MAN!' the super hero who preaches peace through the wonders of Icha Icha

paradise!" the silver haired super hero proclaimed.

* * *

Later that night...

"Halt snake charmer!! Icha Icha man won't let you get away with your evil

plot!" the man with the porn yelled dramatically, holding his signed copy of

Icha Icha violence up like a shield.

POW!

Unfortunately for Kakashi, his favorite book series didn't stop the snake

charmer from mowing him down like crab grass.

"Out of my way pencil neck!" the serpentine seductress barked.

"Medic!" Kakashi whimpered, getting gingerly to his feet.

BANG!

He wasn't able to get up in time to avoid Dolphin man, who was in pursuit of

his mortal enemy.

"Sorry citizen!" the bottlenose avenger winced.

"Maybe I should rethink this..." the sharringan wielder winced.

BOOM!

Foxy boy needed to work on his breaks.

"Holy malpractice suit Dolphin man! I think I ran over a homeless person!"

the kitsune themed sidekick cackled.

"Now I'm sure I should rethink this!" the jonin grunted as he examined his

trampled book, weeping silently.

* * *

_I think Kakashi's really out of character here, but it was a fun chapter nevertheless. Looking forward to the next Amateur Submission!_


	26. The Orange Knight

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

* * *

Orochimaru could not help but smirk in triumph. The attack was going just as he'd planned, his troops filled the streets, and soon, his dear old sensei would be dust.

He leered at his pitiful, aged sensei, glaring at him from his cage within the forest the First Hokage's Mokuton bloodline had summoned.

"Old fool... Your village is falling before me! There is nothing to save you now!"

Sarutobi opened his mouth to retort, before the loud bray of a horn reached the ninja's ears. Orochimaru turned, frowning, looking out towards the village walls. In the gap between the forest and the walls, there stood a single figure, dressed from head to toe in plated armor, sitting on a huge horse, dressed in elaborate adornment. Orochimaru narrowed his eyes. He recognized that armor... Recognized the summon as well.

"Matsukaze," he hissed, knowing the Horse Lord from his readings of the old world. "But who...?"

Sarutobi's laughter made Orochimaru turn to glare at his old sensei.

"What are you laughing at, old fool?!"

Sarutobi just smirked, leaning against the bars of his self-made cage to defend against the wood.

"Laughing at? I'm laughing at the fact that I've lived, just long enough... To see all your plans fall into ruin."

* * *

Naruto's face was grim behind his steel visor as he saw the Sound and Sand troops ravage and devastate his home. His grip tightened on his spear, as Matzukaze whinnied.

"Today is a red day," the Horse Lord (for Boss was derogatory and un-befitting a creature of such nobility) spoke. Naruto nodded.

"Yes... And it will be even redder before the day is done."

Naruto was exhausted. He'd narrowly defeated Gaara mere minutes ago, leaving Sakura in the care of the exhausted Sasuke. His eyes were burning red from his use of the Kyuubi's chakra, and the feel of such rage, such burning hatred, was taxing. But now, he decided that rage would serve him best. Righteous fury was needed to bring down his foes, to avenge his fallen comrades.

"You have the strength to summon my army, Naruto?" Matsukaze asked. Naruto nodded, and made the handsigns.

"I do."

"And you can provide riders?" Matsukaze pressed. Naruto nodded again.

"I can."

"Then do so! I shall lend my power only to those willing to expend the strength needed to defend their home!" Matzukaze brayed. Naruto finished the handseals, his hand glowing with red chakra. He held his hand straight out and ancient runes spread in the air before him.

_"KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"_

A burst of smoke covered the field, and when it passed it revealed hundreds of horses, smaller than their Lord but each one armored and differently colored and sized. Naruto called out more of the Fox's power and made a single handseal.

_"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"_

Another cloud of smoke appeared, and every horse had it's rider. Naruto held up his spear. words came to him that seemed appropriate, as the head of every ninja, every man woman and child turned to regard the shining army waiting outside their walls.

"Forth, and fear no darkness! Arise! Arise, Riders!" Naruto shouted. "Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... ere the sun rises!"

Naruto pointed up at the shining sun, now directly overhead.

"RIDE NOW! RIDE NOW! RIDE! RIDE TO RUIN AND THE WORLD'S ENDING!" He bellowed, as Matzukaze charged with the rest of his army.

And the Sound and Sand nin could only stare in disbelief and growing horror as this army out of ancient texts, led by the strongest of all Horses and mounting a knight with a visage of fire, swept upon them like a river of steel.

* * *

_This is an old idea of mine, but the basics are this: Naruto uncovers the concept of knighthood in old books which he takes to heart, and tries to make work in the world of ninja. My Sir Naruto would try very hard to train himself in the ways of a knight, but he could only get so far on his own. Telling the Hokage of his problem, Sarutobi (interested in seeing if Naruto can actually make this work) secretly asks an old friend of the Fourth Hokage's, Tenten's family, to help Naruto in his studies of etiquette and weapons use. Tenten's family agrees, being one of the families who do not hate Naruto for the Kyuubi, and Naruto and Tenten grow up childhood friends._

_Naruto learns blacksmithing for the creation of his weapons. He learns tea ceremony, etiquette, and reads ancient tales and legends from his own culture in addition to those of the West. He learns sealing and takes to wearing a round shield he made himself around everywhere, in which he has learned to seal some of his weapons. Though his main weapon, his lance, is stored in a tattoo seal on his wrist. His use of weapons and seals advances and nearly matches Tenten's own skills, though he is a close-combat fighter at heart._

_Despite his progress and advancement, he still cannot make a simple Bunshin-And even though he does well in every other aspect of his exams, because his Bunshins fail he is denied graduation. Even Tenten's family's help in chakra control doesn't help enough for him to master this simple jutsu, and with prejudiced teachers sabotaging his other grades he fails three times. This leads him to Mizuki stating (and using the law Naruto has learned against him) that there is a make up "exam" he can take by stealing the Forbidden Scroll._

_Naruto manages to steal it using a different kind of trickery than the Sexy Jutsu, and from the Forbidden Scroll he gains two things-Kage Bunshin, and the sealed Summoning Contract for Horse Summons._

_The Horse Summoning Contract was sealed away for a very important reason-Anyone who used it, even if they were trying for a low-level summon, will soon be visited by the Horse Lord himself, Matzukaze. The Horse Lord places extreme demands on anyone who tries to summon him or his people, and tests them to the point that ordinary ninja easily perish. Naruto, thinking that this is a definite means of becoming a better Ninja Knight, signs the contract but is unable to use it during the battle against Mizuki. The day after, Naruto attempts to summon a horse... And gets the Horse Lord himself, who is initially unimpressed by Naruto and refuses to have anything to do with him._

_Naturally, Naruto's too stubborn to give up, and jumps onto the back of the Horse Lord. He declares he won't move until Matzukaze accepts him. Matzukaze, while secretly impressed by Naruto's tenacity, decides he's just going to shake him off, running at close to full speed. When this doesn't work, Matzukaze runs all the way to the ocean and runs through crashing waves to shake Naruto off. When he STILL is on Matzukaze's back, the Horse Lord runs on the air into a thunderstorm._

_When Naruto is still gripping Mazukaze's mane for dear life, still refusing to let go, Matzukaze decides maybe there's something to this little human after all._

_And Naruto thus becomes the first Horse summoner in a century who doesn't die from trying it. And the story goes on from there..._


	27. The Most Wonderful Thing about Ninjas

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

_Sort of an addition to "The Muppet Summoning Contract", considering a few Muppet productions of "Winnie the Pooh" have been made. But really, it could work as it's own story. It's hard not to link Tigger to Naruto, after all. _

_For fans of "Key Through the Heart", I'd like you to know that the current story is now considered a rough draft. I'm working on the revised version as we speak. I hope to have the first chapter of it up by the end of August, so look out for it!  
_

* * *

"They're _both_ late," Sakura grumbled, leaning against the bridge that was Team 7's usual meeting place. Sasuke made no response save for a nod. If he did nothing and just ignored her, Sakura had a tendency to act increasingly weird until she got his attention. He really didn't need her to break out her Rubik's cube collection.

Again.

Further thoughts on how weird his most persistent fangirl could get were interrupted, by an unusual, repeating sound. He looked up and glanced at Sakura, who looked equally confused. Satisfied he was not hallucinating, he tried to find the source of the sound.

"What's that?" Sakura asked.

"Hn," Sasuke replied, in lieu of an 'I don't know.' He preferred to have some kind of answer before speaking. The sound did seem to be getting louder though, and closer. If he didn't know any better, it sounded like somebody was bouncing on a bed and-

"GAH!"

_THUD!_

"Mornin', bastard!" Naruto said cheerfully, crouched on top of Sasuke and staring down at him. Sasuke stared back, becoming increasingly agitated.

"You idiot! What the hell are you doing?!"

Sakura gaped in disbelief at what she was seeing, unable to reset her brain until visions of Naruto and Sasuke in positions her fangirl logic immediately put together passed. Just as she was done and about to tell Naruto off for daring to pounce on _her_ Sasuke, she was interrupted.

"WOO HOO HOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"AHHH!"

_THUD!_

"Hallo, I'm Tigger! That's T-I-double-guh-ER! That spells 'Tigger' you know!" Announced a talking stuffed tiger atop Sakura's chest. She too was now vertical, laying on the bridge next to her teammates.

"How'd I do, Tigger-sensei?" Naruto asked with a grin. Tigger smiled cheerfully.

"Not bad for a beginner, but we've got a LOT more bouncin' to do!"

"Naruto, what the hell is that?!" Sasuke managed to demand. The creature blinked it's beady eyes and stared intently at him.

"Eh?! _You_ don't know what I am? Do you?" Tigger asked Sakura, pressing his nose to hers. The pink haired girl shrugged helplessly. Naruto shook his head.

"Looks like we'll have to tell them, huh Tigger-sensei?"

"You're darn tooting we will! It's riddikerus for nobody ta know what a tigger is! Especially seein' how wonderful we are!" The stuffed tiger leaped off Sakura and began bouncing around on his tail. Naruto emulated the action, using a spring he'd attached to his belt. Together, the two started a song as Sasuke and Sakura both stared in utter disbelief.

"_The wonderful thing about Tiggers  
Is Tiggers are wonderful things!  
Their tops are made out of rubbah,  
Their bottoms are made out of springs!  
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy  
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!  
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers  
Is I'm the only one!  
I'M, the only one!"_

"So... Cute," Sakura mumbled. Sasuke repressed a shudder-She had _that_ look in her eyes. Tigger bounced to the railing of the bridge and smiled cheerfully.

"Well, that's enough singin'! We've got a lot more bouncin' ta do!"

"Right sensei!" Naruto said cheerfully.

"Sensei?" Sasuke asked.

"Yeah! Tigger-sensei's teaching me to bounce!" Naruto replied. Tigger scoffed with a grin.

"Bah! Not just _bounce_! But everything and anything a ninjah could ever need! After all, ninjaing is what Tiggers do dah best!"

Sasuke stared, considered. The living toy was probably a summon of some sort... And it had apparently allowed Naruto to sneak up and... Bounce him.

"I will also train with... Tigger-sensei," he managed. Sure, the thing _looked_ ridiculous, but if it could allow Naruto to sneak up on him like that, surely it could teach him _something_ useful.

"Oh! I-I'd like to train too!" Sakura immediately joined in. Tigger laughed and bounced merrily about, pleased to be the center of attention.

"Well then, what're we waitin' for? C'mon! I'll teach ya how to bounce like nobody's bounced before! Cept' me, o' course! WOO HOO HOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Tigger took off, Team Seven following along. Naruto was simply enjoying himself, Sasuke was determinedly trying to copy the movements the stuffed animal made, and Sakura was happy to be learning something useful with her crush, _and_ her Inner was happy to be doing something much more fun than D-ranked missions.

Kakashi showed up soon after, and looked around the empty bridge.

"Odd... Usually I'm the one who's late," he said.

"Left ya behind, did they?" Asked a low voice. Kakashi glanced down and saw a stuffed donkey walking over. The jounin blinked-He hadn't even heard the living toy before it had announced it's presence.

"Something I'm familiar with, not that anyone cares," the donkey continued. "Everybody's always in a rush somewhere... Nobody tells me where though. Try to go at my own pace, which nobody appreciates... Least of all me."

Kakashi blinked again. The donkey walked over and began to munch on a thistle bush nearby. He slowly shook his head.

"Did you see a group of genin around anywhere?"

"If by genin you mean three younger ninjas, I could tell you. But I doubt you'd like the answer. Nobody ever likes any of mine," the donkey went on.

"... You're quite the downer you know."

"So I've been told..."


	28. Unit Ten10

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

_Not a crossover with Ben-10._

* * *

Orochimaru's labs were far more extensive, and far more disturbing than Minato had ever imagined. The twisted souls within, their bodies disfigured and mutated beyond the point of recognition as humans.

He could only pray that their suffering was over. If not, it soon would be.

He noticed Sarutobi nearby a bookcase in the dusty chamber, slowly pulling notes and scrolls from the shelves. His practiced eye could discern any trap his former student might have left, so the ANBU were tasked with exploring the tunnels and chambers beyond.

It was more than that though. Minato could tell.

"Hokage-sama?"

Sarutobi sighed, and placed one of the tomes down. "I'm fine."

A rueful smile on the blonde. "I've heard that before."

Sarutobi shook his head. "Hopefully you won't hear it for very much longer."

"Now stop that, Old Man," Minato admonished. "Regrets don't become you."

"Ah, but I have little else to wear," the old Hokage chuckled. "That's the price of getting old..." He trailed off, and frowned at a single black book in the center of the shelves. "Now this... This is odd..."

He reached up and examined it. Minato put down the scroll he was studying, and walked behind the old Hokage.

"What is it?"

"This. It isn't a trap, but..." Sarutobi tugged on the book, and the entire bookshelf crumpled, folding down into the floor below. Minato whistled as he beheld the chamber inside.

"Didn't even get a hint that was there..."

"Neither did I," Sarutobi said. His eyes narrowed. "Follow me."

Minato was about to insist he go first-After all, he wasn't the Hokage-But he thought better of it by the feel of the old man's chakra. He was set on this, and Minato, being a teacher himself, could appreciate that.

They entered the darkness beyond, Sarutobi raising his hand and forming a simple ball of light in his palm to display a dark hallway. The two ninja walked, every sense finely tuned for a sign of a single trap.

A low blue light appeared at the end of the tunnel, and the two men followed it, emerging in a large, round room filled with large, transparent cylinders. Minato felt his stomach turn as he beheld their contents, illuminated by the sources of the light.

"What the...?" Minato mumbled. He walked up to the tank, and peered intently at the strange, metallic skeleton within. From his anatomy studies he knew it to be that of a girl-Probably in her teens. Why it was made of metal, and covered with seals, he didn't know. What confused him most were the eyes in the skeleton's skull... Eyes that glanced at him as he drew close.

Minato stayed calm only through sheer force of will. A computer screen lit up behind him, and he turned. Sarutobi worked at the keyboard, old eyes squinting slightly in the dark.

"Old Man Hokage?" Minato asked. Sarutobi shrugged.

"What? It pays to keep up with the times..." His frown deepened. "It seems my student was working on another project... Involving the combination of chakra-sealed metal with organic tissue."

Minato turned back to the tanks. In them were variations on the same thing-A girl made of flesh and metal, some obviously alive, others not so obviously.

"He called it 'Project Ten'," Sarutobi murmured, soft voice strangely loud in the dark chamber. Minato snorted.

"'Heaven'?"

"He was not without a sense of irony," Sarutobi mumbled. "He wanted to mass produce them, make them his slaves and servants. He downloaded basic data into each one on how to be kunoichi, and cloned their organic parts to be able to include 'upgrades' in the form of bloodline limits and new seals. He gave up on it though... It wasn't progressing as fast as he wanted."

"As fast as he wanted? Are you kidding?" Minato murmured. "The sealing complexities alone..."

He came across a certain chamber, where the girl within appeared totally complete. Long brunette hair waved in the liquids of the tank, as large, strangely warm brown eyes stared back at him. Wires came down from the top of the tank onto her head, and Minato could feel the chakra within. Her higher brain functions were being suppressed-Chakra canceling out chakra.

Despite this... The girl could lift a hand up, and press it against the glass. Minato found his hand rising to press back over hers. He took a deep breath.

"Old Man... What are you thinking?"

"... I don't know what to do with them," Sarutobi admitted. "By all rights... They should be destroyed."

Minato swallowed. Sarutobi looked over at the student of his student... And smiled slightly.

"But that isn't what you want to let happen... Is it?"

Minato looked back, and smiled. He then turned his smile back on the girl, floating silently in the tank.

"No..." He leaned close and pressed his other hand against the glass. The girl copied the motion. "We shouldn't treat them like... Failed experiments."

"Then what would you have me do, Minato?"

"First... We need to figure out how he did all this, so we can... Finish, the other ones," Minato said. "After that... They should be allowed to live as they wish to."

"Experiments of Orochimaru? Walking around at will?" Sarutobi sighed. "The Council will flip over that..."

"So we just don't tell them," Minato said. The two men stared at eachother for a while.

"We have to tell them something... A group of identical girls walking around? Even in this village, we can't cover up something like this, Minato," Sarutobi said. The Yellow Flash looked thoughtful for a while... Before a wicked grin emerged.

"In that case... Here's what you should tell them..."

The girl in the tank smiled back. Minato patted the tank, and his hands slid down to the pedestal. They rested on a plate, which Minato paid only enough attention to read the writing on it.

_Ten-10... Hmmm..._

* * *

_Years later..._

"Hokage-sama, the assassin."

The Hokage glared down upon the ninja before him. The prisoner's hands were bound with shackles. The ninja snarled up at him.

"I _love_ this village, Hokage-sama! So much so I'd go against even your orders to kill that damn de-!"

"ENOUGH!"

The room shook violently, and the Hokage's formidable killing intent flooded the entire tower for a moment. Everyone within the room (and outside it) were frozen in terror. Sarutobi sighed, and held a hand to his forehead.

"... Get him out of here," he ordered. The ninja was dragged off. Only one of the ANBU holding him remained. Sarutobi raised his eyes to this straggler.

"Kakashi?"

"Hokage-sama..." The man paused, and stepped closer, the doors closing behind him. "This has been the ninth such attack in three weeks."

"I know," Sarutobi groaned, feeling so very, very old.

"Even with round the clock ANBU surveillance, we cannot protect him like this forever," Kakashi added. "Not unless you are willing to allow us to kill everyone in the village who seeks Naruto's death."

Sarutobi sighed. "This is just getting out of hand," he grumbled. "This, and the Council's squabbling over Minato's estate..." He trailed off. Kakashi didn't interrupt the silence-He missed his sensei too.

It was then Sarutobi smiled.

"Kakashi... I believe Naruto could use a round-the-clock protector, don't you think?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"One with above-average abilities than the average ninja, correct?"

Kakashi nodded. He could see where this was going. He was willing to do anything for the Hokage, after all. Guarding this precious boy was not a dream assignment, but at least he'd be honoring his sensei's last wishes and-

"A ninja that has not been born, but rather, _made_," Sarutobi said. Kakashi blinked.

"Sir?"

The Hokage smiled, and stood up. He pulled out a scroll from the desk, and placed it on the surface. Unfurling it, he bit his thumb and signed the scroll. He then cracked his knuckles, and quickly performed handseals.

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu,_" he called, and there was a poof of smoke. When the cloud cleared, Kakashi was left staring at a lithe girl with her hair in buns. Her clothing consisted of plain Sino-style top and pants. She stared at the Hokage with blank eyes.

"Unit Tenten, online."

"Unit Tenten, your mission is to protect and care for Naruto Uzumaki. This mission is ranked A, duration is indefinite." The Hokage smiled. "Engage 'Nee-chan' mode."

"Nee-chan mode engaged," Tenten stated. In a moment, her entire body language changed-She carried herself like a kunoichi still, but there was softness and warmth in her visage. Albeit a softness and warmth that could turn to cold rage in an instant if pressed, if her stance was to say anything.

"Executing mission," Tenten stated, before she smiled. "I'll see you later, Hokage-sama!"

With that, Tenten turned and leaped out the window. Kakashi stared after her, and then slowly turned to look at Sarutobi.

"... Hokage-sama... What... The hell... Was that?"

Sarutobi chuckled. "That? That, Kakashi-sensei, was Minato's last gift... To his son, and to Konoha."

* * *

_This idea came about with the thought that Tenten has __still_ not been given a last name, and after re-reading my Naruto/Terminator idea. I think this has a lot more potential though.

_Basically, Minato finished Orochimaru's work and finished these Cyborg Kunoichi. How many there are I leave up to the author. He was allowed to keep them for himself on the condition that they would be used to serve Konoha, as with Orochimaru AND Minato's genius behind them these Ten-Series cyborgs are faster, stronger, and more durable than most normal ninja. And they can use chakra._

_Minato's idea was that the Tens could be employed to support Konoha, since they're a lot harder to kill than regular ninja. But he didn't want them to just be killers-He felt that they could help teach genin and protect the village as full-fledged kunoichi. To this end, Sarutobi decides to employ them in various disguises as kunoichi who are every academy student's "Nee-chan" or "sempai" who can fill in gaps that regular teachers leave. They're generic enough in their appearance that they can quickly slip away into a crowd and be forgotten._

_Sarutobi would also have Tens go on real missions and serve in Genin teams to gather information on how to improve training, and would adjust the Tens' specialties accordingly. After the Kyuubi attack, the Tens are employed more often to make up for Konoha's flagging numbers. But nobody knows just what they are or where they came from..._

_Until Naruto receives their summoning scroll from the Hokage._

_This is not an idea I intend to write, so if anyone were to take it up, whether as a comedy or a dark dramatic fic, I would be very grateful.  
_


	29. Unit Ten10 Part 2

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

_Cyborg Tenten snippets, part 2. Two takes on the idea-One, a humorous take involving Naruto getting the summoning scroll for the Tentens, and the other, a more serious take._

* * *

"Hello, Naruto-sama."

The twin female voices made Naruto jump, and he turned to look at the two girls behind him. He blinked, and then referred back to the summoning scroll.

"Uh... Hi? Who're you? Why are you here?"

"You summoned us, Naruto-sama," one of the girls said. She had long brown hair done up in a ponytail, with warm brown eyes. She wore what appeared to be an ANBU uniform. "In response to your first question, I am Tenten Unit 04-C4I ANBU combat unit."

"I am Tenten Unit 10," the first Tenten's twin said. Her hair was done up in twin buns on either side of her head, and she wore a pink silk shirt with green pants. "Weapon specialty and taijutsu specialty unit."

Naruto blinked, and looked back and forth between the two cyborg girls. "Uh... So... You like ramen?"

"It is adequately nutritious for my purposes," Four said.

"I think it's great!" Ten said.

Naruto immediately decided who he liked better, and gave Ten a hug. "Awww! Okay then, let's get some ramen!"

"... Why did I not receive a hug?" Four wondered aloud, wearing what might almost be considered... A _scowl_.

* * *

_Not so funny. Context here is that Naruto accidentally damaged Tenten's skin while they were sparring, and now Unit 04 has been dispatched._

* * *

He'd brought her to his apartment. It was the only place he could think of, really. She'd seemed to have gone catato... Cataro... She wasn't talking, or moving, in total and complete shock. Her eyes were firmly fixed on the revealed metal underneath the skin of her arm, as though that was the only thing left in the world.

He'd set her in his bed, and tucked her in. He then sat with her, trying to think of something to say.

"Tenten?"

The girl blinked, and looked up at him. She then stared back at her arm.

"I... I..." She looked helplessly up at him. "What am I?"

Naruto shrugged. "I... I don't know..."

"Oh dear. This is a mess."

Both of them turned to the window, and both of them gaped. In the window stood another Tenten, her hair in a ponytail that waved in the breeze, and her body clad in ANBU apparel. She stepped off the window sill and into the room.

"Who-Who the hell are you?!" Naruto demanded. Tenten stared, jaw to the floor. The other Tenten smiled pleasantly, but something felt... Off.

"I suppose I should explain. This is a bit of a setback, but nothing that can't be easily resolved. I am Tenten Unit 04. I am here to retrieve Unit 10."

"Hang on, what's going on?! Unit 04?" Naruto growled. Four blinked, still smiling.

"I suppose I must explain in order to calm you down," she said, eyes locked onto Naruto's. "This is Tenten Unit 10, currently assigned a long-term training assessment and support mission to Team Gai. Her skillset is as a weapons user. She was programmed to analyze the training methods conducted by Maito Gai and analyze a number of other things, such as the strength of the current Rookie Nine and foreign genin."

"Her mission was to continue until such time as it was deemed complete, where upon she would be retrieved, have her memories downloaded, and subsequently be reprogrammed for another mission."

"Re-Reprogrammed?" Tenten whispered.

"No way," Naruto mumbled. "But..."

"This is nothing new. Unit 10 has been operational for nearly two decades now and has gone through the process about four times," Zero Four patiently stated.

"You mean... She's a _robot?_" Naruto asked in disbelief. Tenten 04 reached for her arm, and then with a twist, she opened a panel in the side of it. Both Naruto and Tenten stared at the machinery and active chakra seals beneath the flesh, before Zero Four closed the panel.

"She is a cyborg, as am I. Without organic parts, we could not effectively utilize chakra," she smoothly replied. Seeing Naruto's disconcerted expression, she made her smile more pleasant.

"Do not worry. She needs only be repaired and have her memories modified, and she'll be back to work in no time. You will, of course, be asked to not reveal this information to her or anyone."

"Modified... Memories...?" Tenten shook in the bed, and began to laugh. It wasn't happy laughter, or insane laughter-It was the expression of total and complete despair. She slid out of the bed and fell to her knees on the floor, laughing hysterically as tears poured down her face.

"So... So you'll... Hahahah... J-Just erase this? Let me go back to work? Let me keep being a _fake?!_ A _FRAUD?!_ A LIE?!"

Tenten Four actually sighed. "It always was a troublesome unit. You are a valuable asset of Konohagakure, helping to protect it and improve it. Our mission is to ensure this village thrives and survives. Per our function, we must assume identities that suppress who and what we are-"

"DID I AGREE TO THIS?! Or did somebody just flip a fucking switch?!" Tenten snarled savagely.

"Ours is not to question," Tenten o4 said patiently.

Naruto shook his head, mind trying to grasp what he was hearing. "I can't believe it... This... This is..." He shook his head again. "You're telling me... Konoha uses... Uses _machines_, living machines, like... Like this?!"

"You can understand why this information is kept secret," Tenten Four stated. "It is very disconcerting to many humans."

"No shit!" Naruto barked. Tenten's laughter had turned into pitiful sobs, and the girl shook and trembled in her grief. Naruto knelt down next to her and rested a hand on her shaking back.

"We fight for and protect and serve Konoha the same as any other ninja," Tenten 04 stated smoothly. "However, our experiences and knowledge gained during our service is valuable, and needs to be analyzed. I myself have gone through memory downloads before. That knowledge finds it's way into textbooks, into new jutsu and new tactics and new technologies. It is the way of things."

Tenten shuddered, and slowly looked up at her. "You... You're going to... Erase me..."

"No! No she isn't!" Naruto growled. He turned and glared at Tenten Four. "You're not going to do anything to her memories!"

"Any emotional attachment you may feel to this unit is merely a function of it's programming," Tenten Four said. "It is not truly alive, it is merely a tool and weapon."

"NO SHE ISN'T!" Naruto growled. "There's nothing that pisses me off more than somebody insisting that someone else is _nothing_ just because of what they are!"

"Uzumaki Naruto, it cannot carry out it's mission as it is now," Tenten Four stated. "A memory reset and repair and the unit will be functional. It is not the same as you."

"YES SHE IS!" Naruto shouted. "She's a comrade, a fellow ninja! I-I won't just abandon her to you!"

"Then you will interfere in my directive?" Tenten Four asked calmly.

"Yes!"

"How far are you willing to go to prevent me from carrying out my mission?"

Naruto responded by forming the Ram seal. His room was soon filled with orange clad ninja. Tenten Four, still smiling, looked around the room before focusing back on Naruto with deadly focus.

"Understood."

* * *

_Again, if anyone would like to take any of these story ideas as prompts, you are welcome to and I would be very appreciative. Unfortunately I cannot write every story idea I have, but I hate the idea of those ideas lingering in an archive, never to be touched. So, if you think you can take up the story, feel free, I will offer any help I can for my ideas to come to life. Thank you._


	30. My Kid's Got Atomic Fire Breath

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

* * *

_No, not now...! Not again...!_

Sakura felt one of Tazuna's hands on her shaking shoulder. "Hey... Are you all right?"

_No, no, not all right, not all right..._

Her teacher was fighting Zabuza in front of her, somewhere in the obscuring mists, Sasuke-kun was fighting Haku alone, and she didn't know where Naruto was. Why she was caring about that idiot's whereabouts, she didn't know, but that wasn't the biggest issue on her mind right now.

Anger built inside her, aggressive, primal, and not her own. Blocking it out didn't help. The pressure grew, the rage built...

_Threat... Threat to parent...!_

_Parent? What parent?_ Sakura didn't understand.

Kakashi blocked another hard blow from the Missing nin, sparks flashing as sword met kunai. The chakra imbuement in the metal kept it strong, but the momentum was retained, forcing Kakashi back. Zabuza laughed mockingly.

"This is it, huh? The best you can do, Copy Nin Kakashi? Guess without your eye, you're _nothing_!" Zabuza laughed again.

"But what can I do? Unless you start becoming more entertaining, I'm just going to kill the old man... And the girl."

_Threat-! THREAT!_

Alien rage flooded her mind. Tazuna became _male human, protect_. Kakashi _Not-Quite-Parent-to-Parent._ Her teeth were bared, inhuman fury burning in her green eyes.

_THREAT TO PARENT! THREAT! KILL!_

"REEEEYYYYYAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" Screamed through the mist.

"What the-?!" Zabuza started, before a massive shape plunged down, jaws as tall as he was closing on him. His reflexes barely saved him from being bitten in two by the huge reptile, eyes wide in horror.

Kakashi got over his own surprise just in time to reach out an arm and snag the charging Sakura. Shocked at how difficult it was to hold her back, Kakashi pulled her into as gentle a restraining hold as he could manage.

"KILL! DIE! DIE!" She screamed, and the monster screamed with her, massive talons slashing for Zabuza. The Mist ninja barely escaped the blow, desperately swinging his blade at his attacker.

_TWING!_

The creature roared. It's skin plating was thick, but it was still juvenile. The blade cut through it's wrist, slightly injuring the nine-meter tall reptile. Kakashi observed with detached fascination as Sakura cried out, clutching the same wrist that had been struck by Zabuza on the creature.

"REEEYYYYAAARRGGHHHHH!" It bellowed, and Zabuza used the distraction to leap up, blade raised high. He didn't know _what_ the hell this thing was, but he would find out after it was dead!

Sakura's eyes opened, green eyes virtually glowing in anger. The spines on the creature's back glowed, electricity crackling between them. The monster's eyes glowed bright green, and it opened it's mouth.

"REEEYYYYYAAAARRGGGGHHHH!" A burst of green flame left it's jaws, catching Zabuza in a hellish blast. Kakashi winced at the blackened, burnt husk that landed.

_Ouch..._

The creature turned, sniffing. A lone, glowing amber eye narrowed at him, and stalked over, booming footsteps lightly shaking the ground. Kakashi wondered how such a creature could have gotten so close without him noticing as he began moving away, Sakura struggling in his arms but less violently than before.

"It-It can't be..." Tazuna whispered nearby. Kakashi was in front of him in an instant, the monster pausing and bending down, staring right at him. Sakura tensed, staring right back.

"What?" Kakashi murmured, the monster sniffing at the girl in his arms. The jounin was confident he could get Sakura away from the beast (and Tazuna, he recalled) before it used that breath of it's again, but it's behavior didn't suggest it was going to attack.

"An... My people have stories... old ones, about creatures like that," Tazuna began, as Sakura's breathing and movement returned to normal.

"Sensei..." She murmured quietly. "Let me go."

Kakashi frowned, but complied. The pink-haired girl continued staring up at the beast, who made a grunting noise as it bent down. Kakashi tensed as the girl reached up a hand, scratching at the creature's chin. It's eyes closed, rumbling in a way that seemed analogous to a cat purring.

"Protectors... They protected humans, long, long ago," Tazuna murmured, mesmerized by the myth in front of him. Kakashi's lone eye narrowed as Sakura continued scratching the creature, a small smile on her face. Not the vapid one she reserved for her crush. Honesty was in it, a hint of maternal pride he'd seen on his own mother's face.

"According to legend, they sometimes bonded with humans that were near them when they were born," the bridgebuilder whispered.

"Imprinting?" Kakashi asked. Tazuna shrugged.

"Maybe... I never believed it until today... An _actual_ Godzilla!"

Sakura paid no mind to the conversation behind her. The rage had passed, her mind now filled with _Trust, parent_. She didn't know how she felt these things, or why. She just knew this creature had saved her, protected her, and did so just because she was it's _parent_.

It was so warm... So uplifting...

_Red! Rage!_

Malevolent energy shook her out of her stupor, and the creature turned, growling. A red glow lit up the mists, outlining several mirrors floating in the air.

_FWOOSH!_

Energy lashed out, ice shattering into pieces and dissolving into steam. A glowing red figure emerged, becoming more and more familiar to Sakura by the second.

"Naruto," Kakashi murmured. The orange clad ninja was stalking towards them, but changed. Eyes glowing red, whiskers deepened and darkened. Fangs gleamed in his smile as crimson energy continued to flare out of his aura.

_Enemy! Threat! Threat from memory! KILL!_

"N-No!" Sakura got out, the creature's rage threatening to pull her under again. She struggled against the tide of emotion, but the monster was already in motion, charging Naruto. Naruto growled back and leaped into the air, chakra tail and ears waving behind him.

"This will _not_ end well," Kakashi immediately decided, as demon met monster in a terrible crash.

* * *

_During the Forest of Death…_

Orochimaru cackled. The Uchiha heir had been everything he could have hoped for! He advanced upon him and the pink-haired kunoichi, Sasuke still aghast at his strongest attack doing nothing.

"Well well, little Sasuke," Orochimaru crooned. "You've proven yourself. Now, accept a little gift from me..."

The pink haired girl stepped in front of Sasuke, determination in her green eyes. Orochimaru had to give her credit-She was standing up to his killing intent. But she was still weak.

"Don't you dare touch him!" The girl snarled. Orochimaru chuckled.

"Prey isn't supposed to talk back," the Snake Sannin hissed. "I have what I want. Get out of my way or I'll kill you."

The girl didn't falter, eyes narrowed.

"Prey huh?" She smirked. "You don't have the _slightest_ idea of what prey _is_."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Sakura, no! You can't-!"

"I can and I will!" Sakura replied flatly. She took a deep breath.

A strangely modulated roar sounded through the Forest of Death, as did the sound of a giant creature moving through the trees. Orochimaru stared. The girl looked somewhat confused, before a wide smile appeared on her face.

Sakura shook her head and looked behind Orochimaru. The Snake Sannin dared to look him, eyes going up... And up... And _up_...

The giant reptile loomed over him-Massive arms and claws poised to strike, muscular legs holding up a long, lean body, a huge tail waving and knocking over trees with each undulation. Surprisingly intelligent, red and orange eyes staring at him from a stocky, predatory head, giant dorsal spines rising behind it.

And on top of the head, a familiar, grinning orange clad ninja sat.

"Hey Sakura-chan! Sorry we're late!" Naruto shouted.

"That's okay Naruto!" Sakura grinned back. Orochimaru gaped, and looked back at the smiling pink-haired kunoichi. Sasuke, his prized body, was _cowering behind her._

"Orochimaru, was it?" Sakura stated with an unpleasant smile. "I'd like you to meet my child... Godzilla."

* * *

"Orochimaru," Manda hissed, rising up above the Forest of Death as Godzilla roared in challenge. "This beast... You dare summon me to fight such a lowly creature?"

"Yes, I _do_," Orochimaru hissed back. "Destroy him, and I will provide you with 200 sacrifices!"

Orochimaru was originally going to run, but when his first summon snake had been torn to shreds by the giant monster, he'd turned to his big guns. He had never heard of this Godzilla, but Manda would surely be able to crush him!

On Godzilla's head, Naruto was grinning like a lunatic. Sakura was smiling in a predatory fashion, as Inner Sakura in the back of her mind cracked her knuckles.

Sasuke just sat behind them, wondering why the hell he was even here.

"All right Godzilla! Kick his ass!" Naruto shouted in glee.

"Yeah, take him down!" Sakura cheered her 'child' on. Godzilla roared and leaped forward, slashing down with his massive claws.

_POOF!_

"What the-?!" Naruto and Sakura yelled as Godzilla growled, a huge skin left in his claws. Manda rose up behind him and bit own, his fangs attempting to penetrate the giant reptile's hard skin.

"ROOOWWWWWRRRR!" Godzilla bellowed, whipping his tail around and slapping Manda away. Wasting no time, Godzilla opened his mouth and unleashed a blast of atomic flames, catching Manda in the face.

"AUUUGHHHH!" Manda screamed, caught by surprise by the swiftness of the creature's reaction.

"GAHHH!" Orochimaru cried, having caught a fair amount of the heat as well. Panting hard, he stared in disbelief at charred hands-His hands. He shook himself out of his stupor.

"KILL HIM MANDA! KILL-ACK!"

Godzilla bit down on Manda's head, one of his massive teeth nearly slicing Orochimaru in two. Manda poofed out of existence again, leaving Godzilla only with skin. However, the King of Monsters leaped aside, avoiding Manda's counter attack.

"POISON FANG JUTSU!" The Snake King bellowed, firing poisoned spines out of his mouth. Godzilla roared and unleashed another fire blast, blowing through the spines and slamming Manda in the face.

"AUGHHH! OROCHIMARU, YOU-!" The Snake King bellowed in rage, pushing himself under the flames a bit too late. He slithered at high speed and struck for Godzilla again, the giant lizard rolling away.

Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke clung onto his head with chakra for dear life, Godzilla careful to keep from rolling his head directly onto the trees and crushing his parents. Unleashing another blast of atomic fire, Godzilla ducked and burrowed into the ground as fast as he could.

Manda looked up, unable to see his foe but knowing he was near. Hearing scrabbling below him, the Snake King moved to catch his foe as he emerged, fangs bared. Orochimaru clung to the top of his summon's head, gritting his teeth against the pain inflicted by even a glancing blow from Godzilla's atomic breath.

"How...? How could a creature with no chakra be defeating me?" He muttered. Not to mention controlled by such a weak, pathetic little girl.

The scrabbling stopped in Manda's ears, and the Snake King, expecting a trap, held his ground.

Below, Sakura got Godzilla to pause, and the great lizard listened through the ground. His eyes lit up.

"RYEEAAARRRRRRR!" He bellowed, firing an immense blast of atomic fire through the ground and showering Manda with debris. Sprinting through the tunnel (as always careful not to harm his passengers), Godzilla erupted out of the ground and tackled Manda, biting for the giant snake's throat.

"ARGHHHH! OROCHIMARU! SUMMON ME AGAIN AND I WILL EAT YOU!" The Snake King got out before Godzilla crushed his windpipe, the snake summon vanishing into a huge cloud of smoke. Orochimaru used this to escape himself, running as fast as he could.

"Do you see him?" Naruto shouted to Sasuke. The Uchiha shook his head, Sharingan eyes scanning below.

"No..."

"Well, let's worry about him later," Sakura announced. She ran down the side of Godzilla's armored head and near his eye, scratching some sensitive tissue in a way that made Godzilla rumble happily.

"Good work, Godzilla... Mommy's very proud," she grinned into the vast eye in front of her. Sasuke grimaced.

"Can we get off him now?"

"Would you relax, Sasuke?" Naruto stated flatly. "He's not gonna eat you..." Naruto grinned.

"Unless we _tell_ him to, that is..."

"Shut up Naruto! Godzilla's not eating Sasuke-kun, and that's that!" Sakura declared. Godzilla, for his part, merely enjoyed his parent's scratching, and let out a triumphant roar heard across Konoha.

* * *

_By Kenko:_

"You're CERTAIN he... understands?"

Sakura nodded. "It took both Naruto and me about an hour to really make sure, but Godzilla does understand. He's not real HAPPY about it, mind you..."

The Hokage nodded, sagely as ever. The matter had occurred to him when reports of Orochimaru's... "battle" against the titanic reptile were first delivered to him. As odd as the idea had been, there was little doubt that this would have to be.

"Excellent. As long as your... child," and here he allowed himself a honest-to-heaven grin, "understands that he's not to interfere with the combat tournament portions of the exams, he will be allowed to watch."

And most of the older ninja sighed. Despite the often loose interpretations of various food pills, strange jutsu and the like, it had to be admitted...

Godzilla was NOT a legal weapon in this case.

* * *

_And by me:_

Zaku smirked at the crumpled form of the pink haired girl before him. The preliminaries had handed him the easiest match ever. And more than that, one that was sure to make Orochimaru proud.

"You're nothing without your pet, huh you little bitch?" He laughed, confident in the Hokage's declaration that Godzilla would not interfere. Where the big lizard was, he didn't know or care. As long as he couldn't come and crash the match, the bitch was toast.

"Give up?" He asked mockingly. Sakura's head stirred slightly.

"C'mon Sakura, get up!" Naruto shouted. "Don't let him beat you!"

"No surrender?" Zaku gasped. "What's that I hear? You _want_ me to splatter your brains across the arena floor?"

"SAKURA! SAKURA!" Naruto bellowed, being restrained by Kakashi forcibly. Zaku leered. His air cannons were charged.

Slowly, he extended the hands that would kill Godzilla's mistress...

* * *

_THREAT! THREAT TO PARENT! STOP! STOP!_

Sakura's dazed mind felt Godzilla's rage easily enough. Through their link, she figured out he was trying to get to the tower, but he couldn't find it.

_Genjutsu,_ she absently thought through the pain. _Someone... Put a genjutsu on him..._

He couldn't see the tower, or smell it. He couldn't home in through their link.

_THREAT TO PARENT! STOP! STOP! KILL THREAT!_

_Kill threat..._

The pain was massive. She'd been slammed into the walls a number of times, and once into the floor from above. She felt burning pain everywhere, maybe a few broken bones. She was amazed she wasn't screaming... _Shock..._

_THREAT! THREAT! KILL!_ Godzilla raged. Sakura tried to feel regret, tried to reassure her charge... But all that came was anger that grew with his.

_Kill threat...!_

An itching sensation nullified the pain, the same as when Godzilla's fast healing took effect from wounds.

_I'm healing...?_ Part of her mind wondered, before she became aware jsut enough to be swallowed up in rage.

_THREAT! THREAT TO PARENT! THREAT TO ME!_

_I WILL KILL YOU!_

Red filled her vision. Through the haze she saw the enemy, staring in disbelief. Fear was in his scent. A shark's grin emerged on her face.

_DIE!_

A feral roar burst from her lungs, as though infused with burning green flames. Her posture changed, leaning forward, the sensation of a tail balancing her out. Her fingers curled into claws, chakra burning in them.

With claws yearning for blood, Sakura charged.

* * *

Naruto had stopped struggling, his jaw hanging to his knees. Kakashi's single visible eye was wide open. Sasuke himself was gaping in disbelief.  
_  
"RREEEEAAWWWRRRR!"  
_  
"AAAUUUGHHH! FUCK! FUCK-! SHIT!"

Sakura had gotten back up, at first leading Naruto to cheer. But after she'd unleashed a scream that sounded frighteningly familiar, disbelief replaced his exultation.

The only person who didn't look shocked was Gaara of the Desert, who was now wearing a grin to match the one on Sakura's face.

So surprised at his downed foe's revival, Zaku had hesitated just before firing his air cannons. It was enough for the madly grinning Sakura to close the distance between them and headbutt his face, knocking him back and letting him release his air blasts at random angles, missing his target badly.

Before he could recover Sakura slashed her curled fingers across his already bloody face. Zaku cried out as four diagonal crimson lines covered his face.

"YOU BIT-AAUUGHHH!"

Sakura pounced, digging her fingers into the boy's shoulders, blood escaping as they bit his flesh.

"How...? How is she doing that?!" Cried Lee nearly, eyes wide. His Hyuuga teammate activated his bloodline, brows knit as the pink-haired kunoichi proceeded to slash at her screaming opponent wildly, that eerie grin ever visible.

"Chakra in her fingers... It looks as though it's focusing the air near them into, for lack of a better term, 'air blades'," Neji reported. Lee gaped.

"You-You can do that with chakra?!"

"If you have incredible control," Neji allowed, grimacing.

Zaku was in intense pain, but it wasn't the worst he'd felt. The shock of the pink haired girl's counterattack wore off. He reached up, intent on blasting the girl at point blank range and shattering her insides.

"YOU-!"

Sakura opened her mouth and _bit_ down on his wrist, _hard._ He felt and heard the sickening crunch of bones, as well as very, _very_ loud screaming.

It took him a second to realize that screaming was his.

"STOP! AAUUUUGGGHHH! I-I SURREND-! YEEAAAGGGHHHH! HELP! HELP MEE!"

Sakura's jaws had descended for Zaku's wind pipe, but were snatched away, strong arms holding her back.

"REEEEEAAARGGGHHHHHHHH!" She screamed in rage, throwing her head back and trying to get free. It was only then that the spectators caught a long enough look at her eyes to see that they were no longer green.

Instead, they shined with a demonic, amber light. A light that soon faded, amber melting away for green and white.

Sakura blinked, as though seeing the world for the first time. She looked at her hands, absolutely _soaking_ in blood.

"Winner... Sakura Haruno," Hayate coughed uncomfortably.  
"You... Get that thing away from me!"

Her eyes fell on Zaku, struggling to flee but unable to, bloodloss making him dizzy. The medic nin came out and put him on a stretcher, carrying him away quickly. But not quickly enough.

"You _fucking bitch!_ You _psycho!_" He raved at her, vanishing into the infirmary.

Sakura looked around, still held in strong arms. She looked up, seeing the disgust, horror, and shock in the eyes of nearly everyone she knew.

_Monster,_ they seemed to say to her. All of them, _monster, monster..._

"It's okay, Sakura-chan... it's okay," murmured Naruto, holding her tightly.

Her head drooped, exhaustion snatching away her lucidity and sending falling into darkness. At the edge of the Forest of Death, Godzilla stopped his raging and turned, slowly returning to his lair.

* * *

_Blood... So much blood... She washed it off, scrubbed her skin raw over and over again but she was drowning in it, drowning, drowning-!_

"SAKURA! WAKE UP!"

Her eyes opened, a familiar, concerned whiskered face coming into view. Sakura blinked, shook her head and slowly sat up, sleeping bag cocooning her tightly even as the ground shook.

_What-?_

"Oh."

The rumbling settled, but _concern_ and _protect_ thudded in her skull. She turned at the familiar warmth at her back, a small smile forming on her face at the reptilian gaze looking her over.

"I'm fine... It's okay..."

_Gratitude, calm,_ she projected, just as the Hokage had taught her. Another reason he was known as the Professor; he'd read up on chakra-based empathy before, and had taught her several basic exercises on how to keep calm and manage her foster child.

_Safe. Rest. Sleep,_ Sakura emphasized. Godzilla rumbled, still concerned, but reassured enough to settle down. The great lizard turned and descended into the lake underneath the crescent moon. As he slipped into the depths, Sakura sighed.

The link was still there, it was _always_ there, but a lack of physical contact made it a bit easier to handle. Even with the Hokage's training...

"Good thing you woke up," Naruto had been saying, only partially heard through her musings, "he kept trying to figure out what was bothering you. I tried to tell him that he can't exactly stomp _nightmares_, but eh..."

A shake of the head, and his concerned expression returned. "So... Rough night?"

"Shouldn't you be sleeping?" Sakura asked rhetorically.

"Shouldn't you be home?" Naruto countered. Sakura blinked.

"Naruto...? Did you just-?"

The blond shinobi blinked, confused. "What?"

Sakura's slowly wakening mind pieced together her confusion into a question.

"You've been... Different, lately."

Naruto shrugged, grinned almost cutely. "You're the one not hitting me for _holding_ you."

Sakura noted this at last, Naruto's arms around her protectively. She didn't mind.

Her thoughts wandered back and recalled, a bit guiltily that a few months ago she'd have clobbered him for being so close to her.

_"IDIOT! Sasuke-kun's the only one for me!"_

Sakura snorted a bit, Naruto's brows furrowing in response. "Something funny?"

She looked back at Naruto, a slight smile on her face that was just a bit more honest.

"... Just... Thinking..."

Being empathically bound to a sixty meter tall, fire breathing reptile... Experiencing blood lust... Killing... Being loved unconditionally just for being there.

A childhood crush... It was almost frightening how easy it had been for her to just... _Forget_ about it. _Forget_ to feel hopeless, romantic, sugary 'love' for Sasuke.

"... Remember when we came back to Konoha with Godzilla?" She asked. Naruto frowned.

"... Sakura... It was a _month_ ago," he reminded her, concern in his tone. Sakura laughed.

"It was huh...?"

At the time, she'd been scared out of her mind. Seeing Ino for the first time, thoughtless, selfish little Ino at the ramen stand. How the blonde had launched herself onto Sasuke and... She'd felt _nothing_.

No provocation. No _anger_.

But the moment Ino taunted her for supposedly shacking up with Naruto, whom she was standing next to and _always_ felt a bit more comfortable standing next to nowadays...

_Rage. Parent distressed. Threat to parent, threat to parent, stop-threat-to-parent..._

Godzilla's roar breaking over Konoha for the first time, the panic in the streets...

She shivered and looked to the Hokage monument far in the distance, the third face in thanks. _If it wasn't for you Konoha might not be here..._

"... Sakura..."

Sakura frowned and looked right into Naruto's eyes. He flinched a bit.

"I don't want to talk about it."

The way he'd said her name... _Just like Kakashi_. A note of uncertainty, not about her ability to perform but about her ability to control herself.

Sakura had to admit, the fact her lazy sensei had remained perfectly calm when she'd woken up in the infirmary, expecting crimson all over her... He had gained a bit more of her respect, through the hurt his suspicion caused.

Naruto licked his lips.

"I know... I wasn't..."

"You _were_," she emphasized. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Look... I know how it feels-"

"_I know,_" she stated flatly, a bit of a growl in her voice. Naruto wasn't intimidated.

"I know you know... I know! Really! Just... Well..." Naruto sighed. Sakura sighed, thoughts back to the start of this mess.

A bridge with three bodies on it. One was alive but in fake sleep. Another had been burned into a lifeless husk by her foster child, defending her.

The last... Torn to shreds and cauterized in blind, red rage.

Godzilla's emergence had triggered something in Naruto, in whatever-it-was that was inside him. She wasn't stupid. Naruto being born on the same day as the Kyuubi attack, Godzilla's senses granting her insight...

She wasn't about to force him to confess though. Sakura knew, and really... Naruto was _nothing_ like the monster he contained.

But he still felt guilty about Haku. It was obvious, how his eyes were exactly the same after she'd gotten Godzilla to calm down on the bridge, and Kakashi had smacked Naruto out of his rage. How he'd just _stared_ at what was left of his opponent.

"Do you need me to do anything?"

Sakura sighed, and wrapped her arms around Naruto. She hugged him closer, and he instinctively tightened his grip on her.

"Just... Stay a while. Okay?"

Naruto nodded. Sakura closed her eyes and hummed, happy at his body's warmth. A nice big bonfire in her sleepy mind, which soon lulled her to more peaceful dreams.

* * *

Naruto sighed, looking down at Sakura's sleeping form. He looked back at the moonlit lake, knowing what was under there but... Only a vague implication it still existed.

He'd barely understood half of Old Man Hokage's explanation about the link from Godzilla to Sakura. How chakra behaved wasn't hard for him to visualize, but the language used befuddled him.

So Sakura had broken it down for him afterwards, explaining the words and meanings over and over again to him until he got it. Why she was so patient with him he'd barely understood, but he wasn't complaining.

The Hokage and Kakashi told him to not be so flamboyant around Sakura any more, to be calmer and _think_ before he spoke. So instead of bugging her for dates he'd shifted to asking questions. Keeping her mind active helped her resist Godzilla's emotions, she'd explained. And what she'd taught him was stuff he'd missed in the Academy.

He had to resist the urge to grin at how much he'd improved through Sakura's tutelage. Better chakra control, understanding how it acted, and lots of odd little things he'd missed over the years or been hidden. He had good incentive to want to pay attention and work on sitting still, being calm.

The longer he went without yelling or jumping around, the more Sakura taught him. And the more awesome a ninja he could become.

But, more than that... Sakura needed someone who knew what she was going through. Godzilla's link to Sakura had spread throughout the village, many people regarding her with fear after the Big Guy's first, unfortunate impression on them. Having a monster in the back of your head, or inside your belly - Not everyone would understand that.

He knew that all too well.

So he stayed. He held Sakura. He talked to her, he made her laugh to the best of his abilities, he kept training with her (after he'd finished with Ero-Sennin-They did have the finals to think of, and Kakashi hadn't left Sakura with anyone to train her, bastard), and in general, tried to keep her from spending all her time with Godzilla.

She camped out here now. After her... Match, word had gotten out that Godzilla could possess her, use her to kill for him. And like all such rumors in Konoha, it had reached the ears of those who hated and just couldn't get out of the habit.

Her mother tiptoed around eggshells when Sakura was around. He'd seen it himself.

_Just like me,_ he mused with a humorless smirk. _Just like me... A sister..._

He hadn't thought about his crush on her in _weeks_. Once he'd gotten out of the habit of chasing her romantically, he just stayed out of it.

But if it meant she was happy, and not having nightmares or making the Big Guy go postal... It was worth it.

Even if she _did_ marry Duck Boy.

* * *

_The premise: While in Wave Country, on their first mission ever, Naruto and Sakura were assigned guard duty to Tazuna after defeating Zabuza and Haku. Naruto, bored, leaves a Kage Bunshin to watch the bridge builder in his place and goes exploring. Sakura follows, angry about him slacking off and catching up to him in a cave by the shore._

_In this cave, however, Naruto has found something truly awesome-A giant, green egg. How it ended up there and why, I leave up to the writer. But a strange ooze is coming off it, and when it hatches even more ooze flies over Naruto __and__ Sakura._

_The Baby Godzilla sniffs the two terrified ninja, and licks them happily. Naruto, however, thinks it's trying to eat them and grabs Sakura and runs._

_But, the Baby Zilla follows them back to Tazuna's house. Initially scared, again, Sakura figures out that it's not trying to eat or hurt them. In fact, it's following them around, almost like a duck following it's mother..._

_While Kakashi is reluctant to let the Baby Zilla near them, Sakura can't help but feel responsible for it. It does think she's it's mother... And think Naruto is another parent or member of the brood. So she decides to keep it. Sasuke is less than happy about it, when it grows... And develops atomic fire breath. The people of Wave, however, recognize the monster as a creature of legend, called "Godzilla" (or "Gojirra"), which protected humanity far in the distant past._

_So that's the premise. It'd be a Godzilla from the series, that somehow ended up in the Naruto timeline, and imprinted on Sakura as it's mother._

_Of course, since it's not a summon it'll follow her __everywhere__. Naruto will think Godzilla is utterly wicked and will praise Sakura about it constantly (and ask to ride on his head), where Sasuke (and most people in Konoha) will be freaked out at the idea of a giant, fire breathing lizard taking up residence._

_Of course, like in the series, Godzilla's appearance is only the beginning, as more giant creatures begin to emerge across the elemental nations. Perhaps they've been in hibernation since the days of HEAT and the second Godzilla, perhaps something new is stirring them, but either way none of these huge creatures obey humans. And despite the huge summons already in service to ninja, there are so many of these creatures that they can't always be there to stop them (nor will they always be able to stop them). Thus, these beasts are going to make life more interesting for the elemental nations._

_Fortunately, they've got one of these beasts on their side._

_Now, more snippets!

* * *

_

_Right after the Wave Mission._

After Sakura brought home her... new pet, the Council demanded that Sakura proved she was able to control it. Thus, after being brought out to Training Area 78 (where Godzilla had taken up residence-It contained a large lake system that he dug a lair out of, and plenty of fish for him to eat), the Council and Hokage stood in the middle of the sparsely wooded plain in front of the lakes, all gaping in astonishment.

Save for the Hokage, who could only grin, gripping his pipe with his shining teeth.

"Sit! Sit Godzilla, sit!"

The gigantic reptile crouched, and Sakura breathed a sigh of relief. She made a twirling motion with her finger.

"Roll over, Godzilla! Roll over!"

The beast roared it's distinctive cry, and then moved it's head towards the tiny girl in front of it. A giant pink tongue emerge from it's mouth and licked her.

"EEUGH! No, bad Godzilla! Bad!" Sakura cried, utterly covered in saliva that stank of fish but more concerned with her charge's disobedience. Godzilla made a rumbling sound that was almost like a very, _very_ deep whimper, and bowed it's head. Sakura sighed and shook her head, smiling.

"It's okay Godzilla..."

Hyuuga Hiashi raised a single elegant eyebrow and looked over at the Hokage.

"Hokage-sama... Are you sure that keeping the beast around is a wise decision? It can't be de-summoned, after all."

"No... But it's far better to have a giant monster on our side than be without," Sarutobi stated. He smiled. "And he has not caused any excessive damage."

"What about the time with the giant rats?" One Council member asked. Sakura turned around and scowled.

"I told you before, he was defending his territory! He considers Konoha his, and he'll defend it against any outsiders."

Sakura's agitation attracted Godzilla's attention, and the creature stared intently at the council members, as though preparing to crush them the moment his parent was in danger. Sarutobi chuckled.

"Much like a Hokage's duty, no?" Sarutobi suggested. The Council member fumed.

Hiashi considered it... The monster did seem to regard Haruno with deference. However...

"Are there at least measures in place, in case... Godzilla should go rogue?" Asked Hiashi quietly. The Hokage nodded, just a bit, as Sakura turned back to Godzilla and gave another command.

"Blast it, Godzilla! Blast!" Sakura shouted. Godzilla roared. His spines and eyes lit up, and a great blast of green fire left his mouth, the pillar shooting high into the air. Sakura turned back to the council with a grin.

"I've seen enough," Hiashi nodded. "The Hyuuga support Godzilla staying in Konoha."

A number of other council members agreed, and Sarutobi nodded. The motion had passed.

"Great, good..." A familiar, loud voice shouted from behind. All eyes turned to regard Naruto, standing with an irritated look on his face.

"So, can we now get back to playing?" He asked. Sakura scowled.

"Naruto! Show some respect!"

"Awww... But Godzilla wants to play! Look at him!" Naruto shouted, pointing at the giant creature. Godzilla almost seemed to brighten at Naruto's presence. Naruto grinned, and ran through the gathered Councilors, rushing right up to Godzilla's right foot and tapping it.

"TAG! YOU'RE IT!" Naruto shouted happily, splitting into a hundred Shadow clones and rushing off, laughing, in every direction. With surprising gentleness, Godzilla bent down, tapping each clone with his tongue until he found the real one.

"Wow, he's gotten faster, hasn't he Sakura-chan?" Naruto laughed as Godzilla licked him. "HEY! HEY! EASY, HAHAHAHA!"

Sarutobi could only shake his head and smile. He could do little else, with the Council members all in complete shock and Sakura and Naruto laughing underneath the giant Godzilla.

* * *

_Set before the Chuunin Exams..._

"C'mon Sasuke, hop on!"

"No," Sasuke stated flatly, having to raise his voice just a bit to reach Naruto high above him. The blonde sighed in exasperation as Godzilla sat, basking in the sun as usual.

_Yes, completely innocent... Until he opens up his jaws and..._

Sasuke's frown grew. Naruto sighed again.

"C'mon Sasuke! He's not going to try to eat you... Again."

Sasuke glowered. Sakura popped up next to Naruto and shook her head.

"Or urinate on you."

"Or try to fry you with his breath," Naruto added helpfully.

"No. I'll walk," Sasuke stated flatly, tugging on the straps of his backpack meaningfully. Sakura sighed.

"But by the time you get there, we'll already be done with the mission!" The pink-haired girl insisted. Godzilla's eye opened, the tone of his mother's voice waking him from his doze. The eye swept down and looked right at Sasuke, who resisted the urge to run and cower.

"Godzilla is the fastest way there," Sakura insisted. "Don't you want to finish this mission and get back in time for the Chuunin exams?"

"It's an important one," Naruto grinned. "You'll get to preen even _more_ than you already do, Emo Duck! OW!"

Naruto winced and rubbed the top of his head as Sakura scowled.

"C'mon, is it _my_ fault his hair looks like the back end of a-?"

"It does not! It looks cool! Distinguished even!"

"Yeah, distinguished. All that extra hair gel _really_ brings out the muddy duck in him. OW!"

Sasuke shook his head, wondering when Naruto had learned to use words like 'preen' and 'distinguished'. It was clear Naruto and Sakura spending so much time together, while having the bonus of keeping them away from him, made them twice as annoying when he _did_ see them.

_Itachi, I don't know how, but this has got to be your fault somehow,_ he thought irritably, ignoring Sakura and Naruto's bickering just like Kakashi, who was sunning himself on a beach towel on top of Godzilla's back.

He still wore the mask, even when just wearing swimwear.

He looked up and raised an eyebrow at Sasuke. "Come on Sasuke. Quick, easy mission. Money to feed Godzilla with."

"Why should I care about that?" Sasuke snorted. Godzilla's eye contracted meaningfully at him, and Sasuke gulped.

"Because, he might start eating _people_," Sakura explained. Naruto smirked.

"Though he might make an exception for a big, juicy duck-OW! HEY!"

"Quit it with the duck crap!" Sakura seethed.

Sasuke sighed, shot a glare at Godzilla... And leaped up on top of the huge reptile. He sat down and crossed his arms over his chest, using chakra to stay stuck to the creature's crocodile-like hide.

"Fine. Let's go..."

"All right! C'mon Godzilla, get up! Get up! Go to the sea! The sea!" Sakura shouted. Godzilla rumbled, and got up, turning and beginning a slow gait to the east. Sasuke looked out at the vast forests and mountains of Konoha, and allowed himself a confident smirk.

_Maybe this won't be so bad..._

"All right Godzilla! Hit it!" Naruto crowed. Godzilla roared his distinctive cry and accelerated, making Sasuke fall flat on his back as Sakura and Naruto cheered.

"WOO HOO!"

"ALL RIGHT!"

"Might want to be a bit more careful, Sasuke," Kakashi advised, lying perfectly unperturbed on his beach towel. Sasuke growled.

"Shut up!"

* * *

Moonlight shone overhead, waxing half-moon that was enough to cast the spines on the creature's back into sharp contrast. Low breathing that lightly warmed the air near her. Surprisingly heat radiant skin, black against the grey rocks of the shore.

The doctors at the hospital had done every test they could think of. A few ANBU scientists involved in theoretical chakra manipulation had looked her over. The Hokage himself had poured through books, scrolls and given her access to some of the most classified books in Konoha.

Haruno Sakura could still barely understand the mechanics of the link she shared with Godzilla. Part emotion, part sensation. Empathic link based on bio-chemical induced psychokinetic synchronization, according to that odd gray-haired genin at the hospital. A bond stronger than the ones between ninken and master in the Inuzuka clan, yet not entirely based on chakra.

A massive head lightly pushed against her. The pink haired girl looked up and smiled at a single, glowing amber orb.

_Scratch?_

The impression appeared in her mind and Sakura sighed. She extended her hand and ran her nails over the scales covering Godzilla's chin. Like a crocodile, there were nerve endings covering the reptile's skin in this area. A good scratch helped affirm the link between parent and child.

_Child..._

It was so scientific and detached, just as she'd wanted when first doing research. The struggle to not have a sixty meter tall, fire breathing reptile's emotions in the back of her head.

Naruto, for some reason, didn't get as strong impressions from Godzilla as she did. The Hokage had explained it away as an unusual facet of Naruto's chakra system... But Godzilla's senses fed hers now.

_Predator... Fire... Long ago..._

_Protector..._

Whatever it was that made Naruto different, Godzilla knew what it was. He also knew that Naruto held it back, as though defending territory. Sakura had pressed Naruto for details but the blond had slipped back into cheerful obliviousness.

_Deception... Fear?_ It didn't make sense. Why would Naruto try to deceive her...?

She shivered, and the amber orb of her charge focused down on her. Warmth, trust, _parent_ floated over her mind and she smiled. She scratched a bit harder, a pleased rumble her reward.

"Don't expect a bed time story," she murmured. Disappointment edged into her mind.

Godzilla didn't want her to go. The thought pleased her, though it didn't show on her face. She sighed.

"All right," she said quietly. Sakura cleared her throat. "Once upon a time..."

Godzilla's awareness shifted, and Sakura turned around. A single eye observed her, the other a hidden Sharingan.

"Evening Sakura," Kakashi greeted casually, several meters away from Godzilla and his parent. Sakura shook her head. Even after a month of being bonded to him, it was a bit difficult to get over seeing Kakashi and sensing _Not-Quite-Parent to Parent._

"Breathe, Sakura," Kakashi advised. Sakura scowled, a bit of irritation surfacing.

"I'm _fine_," she grunted. Sakura shot him a harsh look. "What are you doing here anyway? You're suppose to be late, remember? Not early!"

"Ah, yes... You see, I was just passing by," Kakashi eye-smiled. The lie was obvious in Godzilla's senses. Sakura focused a bit, scratching the lizard again to calm him.

_Deception, but not threat_, she emphasized to her 'child.' Godzilla snorted. Kakashi sighed.

"You've been spending a lot of time with him," Kakashi observed. Sakura frowned.

"I'm his parent... I should be out here," she stated flatly. A shrug from the masked jounin.

"True... Though you being exhausted in the mornings-"

"I'm _fine,_" Sakura hissed. The amber eye focused on Kakashi, Sakura's irritation carrying over to Godzilla. Kakashi nodded.

"... I understand," he said quietly. He turned and slowly walked away, orange covered book back in his hand.

_Concern_ his scent read through Godzilla's nose, and Sakura snorted.

_Bit late for that..._

She turned back to her charge, smiles again. "Okay... Where was I?"

The story came out, knights and monsters and gallant princesses all. Godzilla didn't understand much of the nuances behind human story concepts, but it was enough that his parent was with him. He could catch her emotions well enough through the link, and that told a story all it's own.

* * *

_Going a bit more indepth with Sakura's link to Godzilla. In Naruto's case, due to the Kyuubi he can't really get a clear reading on the Big Guy's emotions like Sakura can. Likewise, Godzilla feels Sakura's emotions more acutely than he does Naruto's. Which can be a bit dangerous if Sakura gets too emotional. Godzilla's first reaction to things distressing Sakura is usually _stop-threat-to-parent_, which involves lots of property damage._

"Summoning Jutsu!"

*POOF!*

_wriggle, wriggle_

Naruto sighed. He sat back down on the rocky ground, glaring at yet _another_ tadpole.

"Damnit," he muttered. Raising his hands to his face, he directed his venomous gaze at his palms, trying to reach the Kyuubi with his anger.

"Stupid fox... You were so happy to come out _before_," he groused. Jiraiya turned away from his 'research', a raised eyebrow at his student's back.

"Hmm? What do you mean, brat?"

"I mean that... Well... Back in Wave Country, I had instant access to the fox's chakra," Naruto explained, scratching his head. Jiraiya frowned.

"Well, you were in a life or death situation... Probably out of your own chakra..."

"Yeah, but that's the thing," the blonde genin stated. "It _really_ started coming out when Godzilla showed up..."

Jiraiya frowned, rubbing his chin. He smirked.

"Naruto... That pink haired girl of yours... Do you know where she might be at this time of day?"

"Well yeah, but..."

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "No."

"Hm?"

"No! N! O! NO! Do you have any idea how _dangerous_ that would be?!"

Jiraiya smirked. "That depends on what you think I have planned..."

Naruto groaned.

"Sakura is _not_ going to like this..."

* * *

"You're nuts. You are completely _insane_."

Jiraiya gave her his most charming smile, never minding the giant reptile sunning itself behind Sakura. Naruto nearby shrugged.

"Come now Sakura... You called up Godzilla's power before, right?"

Sakura's glare turned positively murderous. Naruto's wasn't much better. Jiraiya sighed.

"Look... Like it or not, that incident proved two things. One, you can tap into your 'child's' chakra, at least to a limited extent, and two... He's not always going to be able to get there in time to save you."

"I know that! I also know that it will _never_ happen again!" Sakura snarled. "I have to keep _perfect_ control over these shields-!"

"Yes, yes, and after seeing what you did to that Zaku kid, I can understand your reluctance," the Sannin interrupted. He sighed, honest compassion in his eyes.

"However... Using Godzilla's power has made you stronger, hasn't it?"

"I... I'm not entirely sure" Sakura replied neutrally, shooting a glare at Naruto. The blonde made a face.

"Hey! It's not my fault you're getting better at sparring... A _lot_ better."

Sakura clenched her fists, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths. The Hokage had looked her over after her... Match against Zaku. Chakra that wasn't her own _had_ seeped into her body, and things had overall improved. Denser muscles, more agile joints, and her stamina was increased by a fair margin.

_And all it took was nearly ripping a boy to shreds..._

"Sakura," Jiraiya broke into her musings. "Godzilla is strong. He's bound to you, and you to him. But you can't rely on him to save the day for the rest of your life. He's not a weapon, he's your _child_." He shook his head.

"A parent should be able to look after herself, as well as her offspring... And using your link to Godzilla can let you do that. If you train with it."

Sakura sighed, and looked over to Naruto. The blonde shrugged.

"I haven't been able to get anywhere with my training," he admitted. "But... It's your choice, Sakura."  
_  
Curiosity_ was in her mind, and she turned around, a single amber eye gazing at her. The pink haired girl sighed once more, and slowly turned back to Jiraiya.

"Okay... What do I need to do?"

* * *

_Calm, calm... This is just training. Not a real threat. Training,_ Sakura emphasized over the link. Though they had moved to another training area, Godzilla had seen fit to get up and move closer, nestling under the sun again but ever watchful.

_Threat, but no threat?_ Godzilla puzzled. Sakura sighed, and sent over a few mental images of her sparring with Naruto.

_Play... Though dangerous, not threat_ she tried to translate. Godzilla snuffled, but _understanding_ was in his mood.

Along with _not happy about parents endangering selves._

Sakura fought against a smile, and lost. A few meters away facing her, Naruto smiled back. Jiraiya sat on a blanket under an umbrella, fanning himself in the warm air.

"Well then... Are we ready?" He asked with a smile. Sakura raised an eyebrow at Jiraiya.

"Are you completely _certain_?"

"No one ever is," Jiraiya replied honestly. Sakura sighed, and shook her head. Probably the best she could hope for.

_After all... My first match is against Sasuke..._

She grimaced. A few months ago she would have not trained at all and let her crush win. Looking back, Sakura couldn't get over just how _pathetic_ she was.

Sasuke was still her teammate, and she cared about him... But she wasn't going to _let_ him win. She would be doing him an incredible disservice.

"All right..." She took a deep breath. Naruto nearby just smiled encouragingly.

_Okay... Anger. Send me lots of anger..._

Godzilla snorted, but did as she asked. He didn't quite understand his parent's reasoning, but if she wanted him to give her anger, give her strength, he would.

_Threat, threat to parent...!_

Besides... Having his male parent pull out the foul smelling power of that fox was more than enough to make him angry.

Sakura also concentrated on _anger, threat_... Her breathing sped up, her pulse quickened...

Jiraiya watched, intrigued, as Sakura's body began to emit a bright, neon green glow. The chakra was similar to Godzilla's, all right - He'd recognize the taste of the energy anywhere. It was like fire, producing heat that smelled of metal.

Naruto closed his blue eyes, reopening them to reveal burning red irises. Scarlet chakra began to emerge from him, taking shape over his skin in a translucent shell.

Sakura bent forward slightly, fingers curling into claws and the chakra around them shaping accordingly. Her teeth grew sharp and her eyes turned amber. The green chakra seemed to almost solidify around her, it's silhouette of a familiar, sixty meter tall reptile.

The red chakra around Naruto once more took the form of a fox, and he fell to all fours, snarling in feral menace.

"Grrrrr..."

"_Reeeearrgggghhhhh!_" Sakura returned in challenge, shark like grin on her face. Still, Jiraiya could see that Sakura was still in control, her eyes, while amber, not those of a predatory monster.

"Heh... Cool," Naruto grinned, baring extra sharp canines. Sakura swung her tail in a figure-8, grinning back with less menace.

"So then... Let's see what we can do," Naruto stated. Jiraiya sighed.

This wasn't exactly how he'd wanted things to go... But now that they were like this... May as well watch the show, and stand ready to intervene in case things got out of hand.

"In that case," Sakura grinned, "I'm going to kick your ass, Fox Boy!"

"Bring it on, Lizard Girl!"

The two partially possessed ninja charged, nuclear-enhanced flames meeting demonic hellfire.

The results were, naturally, predictable.

_KABOOM!_

After the dust settled, Jiraiya poked his head out from behind the tree he'd taken refuge behind. Not that he couldn't have taken the blast, but he wasn't in the mood to dry clean, again.

"_REEEAAARRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!_"

"_RRRAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!"_

Sakura and Naruto fought furiously, chakra auras still intact as they tore up the training ground. However, despite their fighting, they kept their fists closed and attack non-lethal. And both smiled, not in bloodlust, but in thrill.

Jiraiya chuckled, and sat down to watch. He was already getting new ideas for the next Icha Icha!

As for Godzilla... He snorted again, his mood close to exasperation with the 'play' of his parents. The connection still going strong with Sakura's anger, he settled down for a nap.

* * *

_During the One Month of Training, by Kenko:_

Gamabunta stared at Godzilla.

Godzilla stared at Gamabunta.

In the case of one, bubbling, surfacing genetic memories equated the titanic Boss Toad as Not-threat unless threatened. The lizard peered quizzically at the summons, head tilted much as a curious puppy might titlt it's head at something unexpected.

In the case of the other were memories of a more personal and immdiate nature. After so many, many years...

"Well, hell. Been a long time since I seen the likes of one of you, lizard. Suppose your handler is nearby?"

"**Snurff.**"

"Do say-- she's coming along? Then you're just here because you were curious about me?"

"**Snortff.**"

"Well, I can see that. Yo, kid-- you know this reptile?"

Naruto, completely confused at the strange reaction of the Summons to Godzilla, could only reply. "Um. You mean Godzilla, right? Yeah, I'm kinda his daddy, Sakura says."

"His daddy? You've got a bond with... Well, hell kid, with somthing like THAT what the hell do you need to summon ME for?"

"Ask the pervert sage, not me! This was all HIS idea!"

* * *

_Again, anyone who wants this idea, all yours. Seriously. _


	31. Unit Ten10 Part 3

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding __Key Through the Heart__ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_This is another bit for the Cyborg!Tenten story. The-EroSennin and I devised a fairly basic outline for a possible way to do this fic:_

_Rather than Naruto, it's Sasuke who discovers what Tenten is (Post-Chuunin Exams). Number Four offers him Tenten as a personal trainer and essentially his slave in exchange for his silence about her nature, and allowing her to repair and erase Tenten's memories of her discovery. Four also adds the cherry on top-They have combat data on Itachi that Sasuke could use._

_Sasuke, however, takes this the wrong way-He's seen Tenten in training. And he later sees how easily Four can bitchslap him and Tenten around his apartment. He comes to the conclusion that Konoha had these cyborgs but didn't use them to protect his clan. This anger leads him to defect to Sound... Along with Tenten, who feels she has no where else to go._

_Unfortunately, this was Orochimaru's plan all along. Four is one of his agents within Konoha, who has quite easily pushed Sasuke AND Tenten into defection. Sasuke because Orochimaru wants the Sharingan, and Tenten because, thanks to the violent reaction she showed due to the reveal of her nature, she can override her programming with sheer force of will._

_That means that Tenten Unit 10 has developed a true soul._

_Orochimaru hopes that with this, he can figure out how to create a cyborg body that will contain both his soul, and the abilities of a number of bloodlines, including the Sharingan. Here's a snippet I wrote for the concept:_

_

* * *

_

"Tell me Sasuke," Orochimaru grinned as he led the two defectors into a massive, underground chamber, "have you ever heard the Western tale of the first humans?"

"No," Sasuke stated flatly. Tenten followed silently. Orochimaru had barely acknowledged her-She didn't know if that was good or bad.

"I'll tell you," he said, before reaching back and grabbing a surprised Tenten by her shirt.

"Huh?!"

Even for her, Orochimaru moved too quickly to properly react to, and she flew into the center of the room. She landed in a crouch, just in time for the floor beneath her to explode into light. Her own world exploded with it-Only into pain.

"AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" She screamed, throwing her head back in agony. Sasuke instinctively moved to get her, but Orochimaru easily held him back.

"What the hell are you doing?!" He demanded. Granted, he wasn't particularly close to Tenten, but they had developed a bond of necessity-He had tried to save her memories, save who she was, because he had seen her as more than a machine. How she had assisted him getting here had strengthened the bond, just a little more.

"It's simple Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru hissed. "In the story, the greatest of all the Angels of God took the form of a serpent, in order to deceive humanity and make them fall from perfection. As punishment, God cursed the serpent to ever crawl on it's belly on the ground, in the dirt." Orochimaru's grin widened as complex sealwork came to life all over Tenten, burning away her clothing as the markings glowed bright white. He could feel the chakra release, the immense power she was drawing in.

"I intended to make the serpent an Angel once more," Orochimaru concluded. "After all... Why be a mere immortal, when I can become a god myself?"

"I don't understand, what the hell is going on?!" Sasuke roared. He could barely hear himself think over Tenten's agonized shrieks. The massive seal array underneath her full lit up, focusing the full might of it's gathered chakra right into the cyborg girl.

"Tenten was _always_ a special girl," Orochimaru hissed. "The most empathetic, the most compassionate, the most _human_. Human enough now, to have a soul. A real soul. A soul that brims with power, with _potential_. This array I have designed, will test and see just how much potential she has."

The last of Tenten's clothing burned away, and her hair came free, waving violently in the powerful aura. Her pouches fell apart, her weapons were released from her sealed scrolls... And that metal began to fly around Tenten in a whirlwind, heedless of her cries for mercy. Lightning sparked from her back, and she bent over, face buried in her arms.

"AAAUGGGHH! AAAHHHH! GYAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Sasuke's eyes widened as from the concentrated seal arrays on Tenten's back, wings emerged. His Sharingan was spinning like crazy to take in every detail. He started when he realized that the feathers, the bones, everything in her wings was made of metal. The feathers themselves were covered in glowing seal marks, drawing in the ambient chakra to glow.

The massive seal array beneath her slowly powered down, sparks of electricity darting across the stone. The whirlwind died, Tenten's assorted weapons falling to the floor-All melted, warped and rendered useless.

The chamber was silent save for the sound of the cyborg's sobs, and the pounding of his heart in his ears.

"How incredibly literal," Orochimaru chuckled. "But no matter... KABUTO!"

In a flash, Kabuto appeared in front of Tenten. The medic pulled her head up, and slammed a seal-covered collar onto her neck. Tenten's eyes widened, and she struggled to get up, but she found her body apathetic at best to resist, and quickly began to cease to respond to her at all.

She managed to look at Sasuke desperately, tears running down her cheeks.

"SASUKE! SASUKE, PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE! Please... Don't let them..."

Her voice trailed off, and the terror and fear in her eyes vanished. Sasuke felt sick to his stomach as Tenten's expression slackened. She was completely blank, like a sad little doll.

"Ah, the control system functions. Good!" Orochimaru grinned. "Such a wonderful triumph, wouldn't you say Kabuto-kun?"

"Agreed, Orochimaru-sama," the medic smirked, adjusting his glasses.

"Tenten-kun, please get up. I have things for you to do," the Snake Sannin ordered. Slowly, the cyborg stood up, her wings folding around her like a cloak.

"Very good... Obey Kabuto-kun, won't you? Sasuke-kun... Come with me," he said. Orochimaru turned and walked off, giggling insanely under his breath. Sasuke was frozen, unable to look away from Tenten's blank eyes.

"Sasuke-kun?"

"... Right," the traitor said softly, turning away to follow his new sensei. Even when he wasn't looking, he could still see those emotionless eyes, with the tears pouring from them.

* * *

_From there, you get Tenten being employed as the Angel of Death against Konoha. Who will save the day? Naruto? Sasuke? Tenten's team, the closest thing she has to a family? What? It all depends on the writer._

_Also, an update on the revised _Key Through the Heart: Final Mix. _The outline for the first two chapters is complete, and the overall outline for the story is done. Unfortunately due to school and a strict beta reader who demands the best from me (and more), I'm delayed in writing the darn thing. Still, I have made it my mission to get the first chapter done and ready by mid-September. So, look out for it._


	32. That Most Heinous of Crimes

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding __Key Through the Heart__ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Every fanfiction author writes a horrible self-insert fic first. The truly bad ones keep writing them. The insane ones try to write one that isn't crap._

_I'm still not sure which one I am._

* * *

You know, you'd think being in an entirely different universe would involve a lot of transition. A lot of denial, a lot of freaking out.

Probably some therapy. Lord knows the folks around here could use it.

But when it comes right down to it, Konohagakure is a city like any other city. It has people. Fat people, tall people, beautiful people, ugly people. Mean, hateful people, kind and generous people. Hardworking and lazy, private and public. There isn't a kind of dark malaise that hangs over the city-A kind of oppression of the darkness there. No, there's a different spirit here, that of a populace between rural and urban. Fortunately without most of the problems of suburbia.

Hell, it reminds me a lot of the naval base housing I grew up in when my father taught at the naval academy. Everybody there had someone in the military, or was in the military themselves. Everybody had an opinion on history or the government. Everyone wanted their husband, wife, son, daughter, whatever to come back safely after their next mission.

Even me. Well, _this_ me. It was the little things that let me stay sane the moment I woke up here, memories of two worlds bouncing around in my brain.

My father: Retired military, math genius, and a bit absent minded. Despite the change in the setting and the culture, he remained my father. My brother the closeted homosexual: Working as a lawyer, dressing up as a woman and going down to the red light district when he thought nobody was looking, still a total and complete bitch to me and anyone he found beneath him. A bit exaggerated, and a bit more disturbing, but the fundamentals remained the same. The crossdressing was a new one, I'll have to admit.

And me. There were differences. Good ones, bad ones, but still, fundamentally... No change. The probabilities were insane, the implications disturbing.

Still, I think the thing that made the transition easiest wasn't my neat, awesome powers. Nor the respect I had, earned through hard work. It was, quite simply, the fact that I had a purpose. A reason for being. A direction in life beyond meandering through college trying to figure out what to do.

I stare into the mirror. Age 27, freshly minted jounin of Konohagakure. Due to head down to pick up a genin team from the Academy, and see if they have what it takes to go the distance. I adjust my glasses, run my hand through the same messy brown hair.

I find myself looking at my reflection, and smiling like I haven't in years. I'm _somebody_ here-Not in rewards or empty service but to _people_.

Really, is there anything else you can ask for?

Aside from a girlfriend. Or a wife.

Both of which my other still lacks.

_Ah well,_ I decide, the memories fusing together. _I have time... I have the means... And best of all..._ I grinned.

_I don't have Team Seven!_

Whew! Being responsible for the destiny of the Elemental Continent was _not_ on my priority list, nor on my other's. My other simply wanted to be the best he could be. He had no aspirations of manipulating the timeline... Though he wouldn't mind getting the girl who became the wife of one of our friends.

That also held between realities.

Guess you can't have everything.

But! A fresh perspective, a different viewpoint, a new world and life laid out in front of me. So, I was going to take it and do the best I could.

I would find greatness in my students, even if it killed them! No matter who they were!

My name is Tsume Andoryuu. And even with the dangers of this world, I have to admit-I'm looking forward to the future.

* * *

"... Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke. Team 7! Your instructor: Tsume Andoryuu!"

"YEAH!"

"OH FUCK!"

All eyes on me. Awkward cough.

"Uh... Ah..."

Pause, then:

"... Great! I'm... Happy..."

I am so dead...

* * *

After my... Outburst, I managed to calm down enough to order my new team to the roof. A quick use of Shunshin outside got me up there before they arrived, and I sat down in an effort to try and slow my racing thoughts.

Most of which consisted of _I'm screwed I'm screwed I'm screwed..._

I needed to focus. I needed to not panic. After all, I wasn't lost here. I knew the events of the manga and the anime. I knew the characters... Well, what Kishimoto had deigned to share with us.

My other's memories had numerous instances of seeing Naruto around the village (running after pulling a prank), and had even been victim to one such prank himself.

Even though the Kyuubi had taken my Other's mother (as cancer had taken her in my own reality), he bore no ill will against Naruto for his burden. He wasn't a saint though-He found Naruto annoying, and that part of me was looking at this assignment with some dread at what kind of student he'd be.

However, it ceased to be an issue with my knowledge of the manga and anime. After all, I knew how to turn Naruto into a very powerful ninja. I knew how to turn Sasuke and Sakura into powerful ninja, thanks to a wealth of ideas from TFF, the canon and various fanfiction. Now that I _really_ thought about it, I was actually kind of lucky. All three of my students had enormous potential, that a teacher who put in even a modest amount of effort could bring out.

Though there was still the issue of having the fate of the Elemental Continents on my shoulders if I did something wrong. If I let Sasuke go to Orochimaru, then he becomes his Post-Time Skip douchebag Mary Sue self.

What could I do to keep him from going? Training alone wasn't enough-Kakashi had sprung for The Strong Fist knockoff and the Chidori and even that wasn't able to keep Sasuke from defecting.

I sensed my students clambering up the stairs, so I decided to shelve these thoughts for later. They appeared, and I gave them a smile. Sasuke naturally didn't return it, Sakura flashed a polite smile back, and Naruto looked a bit dubious.

"Sit down," I said. They sat, just as they had in canon. It was more than a little surreal, actually. Particularly in their phenotypes.

In an anime, it's difficult to determine ethnicity aside from really obvious cues, like skin color, due to the limitations of art. In the world itself though, everything was real. Naruto, for instance, was more European in his appearance. The anime made his hair much brighter than it actually is-It was a darker blonde, slightly lighter than Mark Hamill's. You could lose him in any city in the US, really. Closer observation though hinted at some Asian features, particularly around his eyes.

Sasuke looked like a protagonist out of a Final Fantasy game-Again, that odd mixture of European and Asian features, though the Asian aspects dominated slightly. Sakura was slimmer and more delicate than the boys, naturally, but European features dominated. She reminded me a bit of a French girl I once met on exchange, only in better physical condition. The anthropologist in me was furiously speculating about the ethnic migrations and possible reasons for this, when Sakura cleared her throat.

"Ah, Sensei?"

I got out of my reverie and covered my wandering thoughts with a bright smile.

"Sorry about that. Now that you're here, let's go around and introduce ourselves."

"Introduce ourselves?" Sakura asked. I nodded.

"Name, interests, goals, likes, dislikes, that sort of thing."

"Well, shouldn't you go first then, sensei?" Sakura asked. Her voice had a kind of... Hermione-ish quality to it. Which made it slightly annoying.

"Nope," I said simply. "Go for it, Pinky."

Sakura looked annoyed, but went with her canon spiel.

"I'm Haruno Sakura, I like..." Look and blush at Sasuke, "I dislike Naruto," she glared at him, and he looked hurt, "My goal is..." another blush and look at Sasuke, along with a giggle. "And I hate Ino-pig!"

"... Great to hear, or not hear, as the case may be," I observed wryly. "Naruto?"

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I really like-!"

"Do you have ADHD?" I interrupted. Seriously, he'd been twitching and shifting around like he couldn't sit still. I knew what it was, but hey, I really wanted to use the line.

"What's that?" Naruto asked.

"It's a disorder. Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," I explained. "Put simply, you have too much energy and your brain works too fast."

"Works too fast?" Sakura asked incredulously. I nodded.

"Oh yes. Your thoughts race without allowing you to adequately process the information your senses are trying to tell you. You get bored unless there's enough going on around you to take it all in." I smiled. "On the plus side, it means you operate well in crisis situations since you're now 'caught up'."

Naruto grinned happily at this.

"Unfortunately, you operate rather poorly when nothing is going on," I added. "Or when subtle things are occuring."

Naruto, naturally, scowled.

"I can be subtle!"

That got an incredulous look out of even Sasuke. I nodded.

"Yes, I've heard... But things get missed out on. Anyway, where were we? Right. Naruto, got any likes? Hobbies? Goals?"

"Well, I like to train, eat ramen, and garden," Naruto admitted. His grin grew. "And I want to become the Hokage!"

"All right. Now, you," I said, looking at Sasuke. The Uchiha survivor was in the Gendo position, and lifted his head only a little to make sure he was heard.

"Uchiha Sasuke. I have few likes, many dislikes, and it's not so much a goal... As an aspiration... To kill a certain man," he said. Sakura stared in some disbelief, though Naruto merely gave Sasuke that foxy scowl of his. Mentally I sighed in some relief. At least they weren't different from their canon selves.

Unfortunately... They were their canon selves.

"Good... Well, that was informative."

"You still haven't gone, sensei," Sakura said, with just the hint of a whine. I looked at her with a flat stare, and she averted her eyes. I then smiled.

_Well... What the hell..._

"My name is Tsume Andoryuu," I began. "I like many things, I dislike many things, and I have a number of hobbies which are related to my goal. Which is..." And here I stood up dramatically and gave them all a manic grin.

"To take over the WORLD!"

Needless to say, my students were... Weirded out.

"Really?" Naruto asked. I shrugged.

"Nah. Too much work. But I'll be satisfied with you three becoming the best ninja you can be. How's that sound?"

"Um... Better?" Sakura said. I shrugged again.

"Well, if you'd like to help me take over the world, just say the word and we'll do it. I'm rather flexible that way. Also, the two goals kind of overlap, as I'll need the best ninja I can find to conquer the world."

"Ooh! Could I still be Hokage if you took over the world?" Naruto asked.

I nodded. "Definitely!"

"Cool! Let's do that!" Naruto grinned. Sasuke clearly had the look of a man surrounded by madmen and idiots, and Sakura was not much better.

"All right! But for right now, let's have some lunch!"

As far as first impressions go... Well, it was weird, but it would teach an important lesson. Looking underneath the underneath.

Oh, I was going to have _so much fun!_

* * *

The Elemental Countries are very, very weird. You thought your glimpse into them from the manga or anime side was weird? You haven't even touched on the weirdness.

For one thing, just as _Naruto_ ninja are very unlike traditional ninja, so too is the Daimyo very unlike a traditional Daimyo. The closest approximation I can draw is a kind of mix between king, chairman and prime minister.

Fire Country itself is like if the Greek city-states joined together into a semi-democratic state, with each state being regulated to keep what they were best at what they were best at. And the central government had a lot of influence from modern China. These prefectures/states had a lot of autonomy, as long as they kept up certain quotas of taxes and kept to established regulations and laws, and even got a say in the day to day running of the central government. There was a constitution and a sort of "contract" between the Daimyo and his citizens, not that dissimilar to the Magna Carta or a Bill of Rights, that essentially stated that as long as the Daimyo did a good job as the commander of the armed forces and the chief executive, he kept his job. Suits that he was not doing his job properly could be brought before a high court, and a council of judges (who were maintained by popular vote through their version of a legislature) would examine the Daimyo's record. If he was not fulfilling obligations, the government would negotiate and work out a new contract with the Daimyo for him to keep to his obligations. If he couldn't fulfill his contract, he'd be dismissed and a new Daimyo candidate (generally a member of a wealthy family or a highly ranked military commander) would be applied for general election-But the judge's council had the final say on the Daimyo's appointment, which could be overruled by the Head of the Diet calling for...

Pbbt. Just thinking about it gave me a headache. It was an odd amalgam of democracy, oligarchy, autocracy, corporatism... Their constitution was a mess. And yet, somehow, it all worked. Trust me though, I think the manga was better off not getting into all of this.

Which brought me to my team. Naruto was pouting that we weren't eating ramen for lunch (I'd seen a beef bowl, and dammit, I wanted some), but was enjoying his food. Sasuke had gotten something simple and was eating methodically, while Sakura (who had been given an extra big bowl-The girl needed some meat on her bones) was picking at her food and trying to eat as little as possible.

And me? I was thinking about how I got into this mess. Rumor had it that Hatake Kakashi was going to get Team 7, and in a ninja village, the more denied a rumor, the more likely it was true. I also had my own knowledge of the manga and anime-Kakashi was the guy they picked in canon, and the reasoning held up in theory.

He was the strongest ninja in Konoha save the Hokage and the Sannin, he had the Sharingan, he had that connection to the Fourth Hokage... Really, with the rookie of the year being Sasuke, how could it be anyone BUT Kakashi?

Which left me wondering how the hell I got stuck with Team 7. Did God consider it ironic? Well, it was. Horribly ironic. Downright funny, if you thought about it.

"So, um, Sensei... What will you be teaching us first?"

Sakura, once again, broke into my thoughts. Naruto looked at me eagerly.

"Yeah, what? Is it going to be something cool? Something awesome? C'mon, tell me!"

Naruto's voice wasn't exactly grating... Okay, it was grating. Mainly in how he had trouble in volume control. Even speaking normally he sounded loud.

"Well... First I'll need to see where you all are as ninja," I said. "Then we'll proceed from there and-"

"Andoryuu!"

I managed to resist the urge to twitch, and plastered a happy smile on my face as I looked up. "Hello, Ben."

The genin turned their heads to gawk at the bear-like man in woman's clothing who stood before our table. A smile was plastered on his face that didn't quite make me want to vomit given how his make-up was applied.

"Aw, is that all you have to say to your brother? Especially when I've brought something great!" Ben pouted. Sakura, Naruto and even Sasuke's eyes all widened.

"Br-Brother?!" Sakura squeaked. I gave a little shrug.

"This is Benji, my brother. As you can see, he's a very... Colorful individual," I said calmly. Benji smirked at me.

"So diplomatic and reserved, it's rather cute." He looked over at my students with a wink. "Don't buy it, he's actually a nutjob."

"He's the nutjob?" Naruto blurted out.

"Now now, Naruto," I said. "No throwing stones. I know all about your 'Sexy jutsu'."

The blonde looked indignant. "That's different! It's for use AGAINST perverts, not some-!"

"WHAT?! That's the most perverted jutsu ever! And it's stupid!" Sakura butt in. Sasuke looked as though he'd rather be anywhere else. I have to admit, I agreed. So I decided to try and nip this in the bud.

"Ben, you had something for me, right? What is it?" I asked. Ben grinned, and produced a box from his dress.

"This!" He set it down with a beam. "Just got it from the publishers."

"You were going through my mail again weren't you," I sighed. Ben shrugged.

"We are brothers... And besides, you do it to me all the time!"

"I do it because I know how to tell the difference between a bomb and a box of chocolates from your latest paramour," I said flatly, quickly checking the box for any traps. Jounin training said it was safe, so did instinct. So, with a slash of a kunai, I opened the package.

"What's that?" Naruto asked. I opened the box, and picked up the book within. I allowed myself a little smile.

"So, he published a new one huh?"

"Yep!" Ben said brightly. He took the book and presented it to us all, like a butch, cross-dressing Vanna White. Ooh, now there's an image for you.

Suffer dear reader, _suffer_.

"_Strategic Considerations for Future Conflicts,_ by Tusume Rei?" Sakura read, her eyes widening in realization. "Wait, you're _that_ Tusume?"

"No, that's my father," I explained patiently. Sasuke and Naruto both looked lost, and Sakura looked like she was about to have a nerdgasm.

"I-I did a whole report on his book _Treatise on Joint Operations!_ I love his writing!"

"Huh? Who? What?" Naruto asked. Before Sakura could rant at Naruto for being stupid, I quickly interjected.

"My dad was an officer in the Fire Army and acted as a liaison and strategic planner during the Third Shinobi War," I quickly explained. "He also taught mathematics and some strategy classes, and writes books about how wars are fought and managed."

"I didn't know you two were related," Sakura said happily. "Can-Can I read this book?"

"Sure, it is my copy after all," I said, handing it over to her. Naruto frowned.

"Strategic... Joint Operations...?"

"Yeah... Put pretty simply, there's a lot more to fighting than just, you know, fighting," I explained. "Though it depends on what level you're planning at. It is a good thing to learn, however, if you're going on to, say, Hokage." I grinned at the eager light that glinted in Naruto's eyes. Sasuke was only marginally interested.

"Tell me more!"

"Oh, don't let him start, kid," Ben interjected. "He'll talk your head off about how this general did such and such, and how population numbers mean something something. It'll bore you to tears."

"But I want to learn! What would you know about it anyway?" Naruto demanded.

"Well, I know that orange clashes so badly with your skin I'm getting a headache just from looking at you," Ben replied glibly. "Can't be helpful as a ninja-Your enemies just shoot to end the pain." Mentally I groaned. _Shit, Naruto, you fool, he's going on a rant!_

"Speaking of, the broody one! He looks like an anemic vampire, he's so pale! You aren't going to let him stay that way, right Andoryuu? And his hair! His dress sense! UGH! He could be smiling brightly right now and he'd still be taken for emo!"

Sasuke glowered. Ben prattled on, Sakura his next target.

"But you darling! Oh! I love your hair, truly I do! You take such good care of it!"

"Oh? I-I do?" Sakura was interupted from defending her crush by the flattery. "Well, um, th-thank you!"

"But the dress! Oh, the dress. Quite a risk dear, you look like a... How shall I put this delicately? Like you decided to work early at the red lantern district," Ben said. Sakura gaped.

"I WHAT?! M-My mother made me this dress!"

"Oh yes! And the pink hair... Oh my! You're Sachiko's little girl, aren't you? Oh, I meet her up downtown all the time!"

"Downtown?!" Sakura gasped. Naruto blinked.

"Hey, wait... Does this mean Sakura's mom is a prostitute?"

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!" Sakura screeched, whacking Naruto over the head.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, dearie! Sachiko does wonderful things!" Ben tried.

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!"

I sighed, and looked across the table at Sasuke. He looked back. I shot him a look that told him I knew _exactly_ where he was and how he was feeling... And, strangely enough, I got one back.

I guess those with siblings do have a connection... Even if one is a crazed genocidal maniac, and the other is a crossdressing asshole.

* * *

Benji had gone off to terrorize some other victims, leaving me with my team. Alone. Again.

Still, the tension was a little lower thanks to the fact that we all now had something in common-Namely, an intense dislike for my brother. I owed him an angora sweater or something.

Oh, wait. Angora didn't exist here. Damn.

"So, what was it you were saying about stuff a Hokage should know?" Naruto asked. He was avoiding looking at Sakura, who was shoveling beef and rice into her mouth as quickly as she could with a look of misery. Sasuke was actually paying attention, which I took as a sign of progress.

"Well... Summed up, mostly what my dad talks about is how wars are fought and managed, from the squad level up to a theater level conflict," I explained.

"Theater? What's this got to do with movies?" Naruto asked.

"It's not that kind of theater, idiot," Sasuke snorted. Naruto scowled back.

"Fuck you, bastard!"

"Hey, hey, focus guys," I interjected. "You want to know this or not?"

"He insulted me!" Naruto whined. Sasuke snorted.

"I'm stating an obvious fact."

"Yeah well, you're a pale, anemic vampire!"

"Oh good, stealing from the transexual. I always knew you were weird."

I sighed, and in an instant, an idea appeared in my head on how to resolve the situation. Before I could stop myself, my hands were forming seals. A slip of my kunai got me some blood, and I pressed my hand down on the table.

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu_," I spoke, and in a poof of smoke, my summon arrived. My intent transmitted to it over our linked chakra, and the next second, a spider the size of a dinner plate had jumped up and latched it's legs onto Sauske's face.

"And another-ACK!" Naruto cried out. Sakura dropped her chopsticks. Behind the spider, Sasuke's eyes were widen in frozen horror.

"Now that I have your attention," I said calmly. "May I continue?"

Sakura and Naruto slowly nodded. Sasuke was still totally frozen in fear, which I alleviated by having my summon jump back to my hand. Strangely enough, I didn't feel horror, repulsion or the need to scrub my skin with steel wool until I was clean at the spider's touch. My Other's experience with his summons took care of that.

"Hey boss, how's it going?" Ringumo asked, clicking her mandibles. I smiled back at the summon, quite aware of my team's continuing horror.

"All right, Gumo-chan. How about you?"

"Bored," she said flatly. She scuttled around and looked back at Team 7. "Who are these people?"

"This is my genin team, Gumo-chan," I replied. "Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and Haruno Sakura."

"Hello!" Ringumo called, raising one of her legs in a friendly wave. Naruto managed to get over his initial horror fastest, and looked intently at the summon.

"Wow... A real live summon?"

"Yes," I said with a smile. "This is Ringumo, part of the Spider family. I'm fortunate enough to be her summoner."

"He's much better than our old summoner. My mom really loves him!" Gumorin said cheerfully. Sakura gaped.

"You mean... Um... There are... Bigger spiders than you?"

"Oh yes! My mom's really huuuge!" Ringumo said, spreading her forelegs widely. "Big as a house!"

"Gumo-chan, why don't you head home? I'll play with you later," I said, as Sakura turned white at the mental image of a house-sized spider. The little summon gave the spider equivalent of a nod, and poofed away.

"... Sp-Spiders?" Sakura managed. I nodded.

"Yeah... Sorry about that Sasuke. Perhaps a bit extreme, but I don't like being interrupted."

Sasuke managed to very slowly nod, and tried to regain his composure. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head.

"Where was I...? Eh, I think I'll save that lecture for another time. I nearly forgot-You all have a test tomorrow."

"What? Another test?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Yep. It's required of Konoha for a team to demonstrate whether they can operate together successfully. Put simply, if you can't work together, then you can't be a ninja."

"Work together?" Naruto asked flatly. I nodded.

"Yes..." I realized I was making it extremely obvious, but honestly, this was supposed to be the military, right? Teamwork is essential in any military unit.

Besides... If they didn't get the point of the test from these clues, then there wasn't much else to do but give them some hints.

They couldn't be that dumb or self absorbed, could they?

* * *

I decided to leave a Shadow Clone with my team, and instructed it to spend time with the team and find some kind of activity for them to do together. May as well hedge my bets in case they really were that thick.

As for me... I went to the Hokage's office, Ringumo re-summoned onto my shoulder.

"What are we going to do, Andoryu?" The spider asked. I simply smiled at every person we passed, every eye upon Ringumo. Subconsciously, my other was perfectly at ease with Ringumo and others of her kind. That biological imperative that stated anything with eight legs and fangs was something to _get the fuck away from_ was simply not there.

It was actually due to just how my Other had gotten to sign the summoning contract. As well as most of his current skill set. It was a fear he had been forced to get rid of... Or go utterly insane.

Being reverse-summoned into a world of giant, sentient, chakra-using spiders for a whole year by your insane sensei tended to prioritize how you viewed the world.

But that was a different story that my Other and myself didn't really want to dwell on right now.

Or really, ever.

"We're going to see the Hokage," I explained to my summon.

"Ya want me to grab his face?"

"Why Gumo-chan, do you think I just summoned you for that?" I asked.

"Sometimes I think you just summon me for that," the little spider huffed. "You never summon me to play fetch or tag anymore! It's just to torment people!"

"Is there something wrong with that?"

The spider hummed thoughtfully, clicking her mouthparts. "No. It's kind of fun!"

"See, this is why you're my favorite," I said, patting the spider affectionately.

"Awww... You know, you haven't summoned Mom for a long time! She misses you," Ringumo said. I sighed.

"Gumo-chan, I'm not exactly comfortable with how much your mom... Likes me."

"Awww... Why not? She can take human form, you know," Ringumo said.

"That doesn't really help. I'd still know she's a spider."

"Aren't you though?" She asked. I thought about how best to phrase my answer.

"In spirit... I suppose I am. But not in the ways that might let me consider... That. Besides... I know what happened to your father."

"Awww! Mom likes you a lot more than she liked him!" Ringumo said. We had reached the doors to the Hokage's office, nobody giving me more than a glance. It seemed I was expected.

It didn't stop my Spidey sense from tingling though.

... Yes, I did have a Spider Sense. Sort of. Less ESP and more a simply heightened sense of situational awareness. Any jounin still alive had good situational awareness, _very_ good, but it takes on a whole new meaning when training with smart, giant spiders.

"That's what I'm afraid of," I admitted to Ringumo as the doors to the office opened. I walked inside, immediately noting two people in the room.

One was the Hokage.

The other was Hatake Kakashi.

"Tsume-san, how nice to see you!" Sarutobi said, smiling as he smoked his pipe. Ringumo hissed at him, and fixed all of her eyes right on his face. He didn't look in the least bit fazed.

"Hokage-sama... Hatake-sempai," I said politely.

"We've been expecting you," the Hokage said unnecessarily. That he was actually speaking the obvious indicated he was giving me leave to be as blunt as I liked.

"Why have I been handed Team 7? Shouldn't Hatake-sempai be given them?" I asked. The Hokage's smile shifted, ever so slightly.

Keep in mind, this man was a 69 year old ninja. The older the ninja is, generally, the better they are at deception and conceit. It did not surprise me in the least that Sarutobi had the "grandfatherly old man" act down perfectly. It was only thanks to what I knew about him I figured he was cackling maniacally behind that smile of his.

"Hatake-san actually recommended you," he said. Ringumo hissed at Kakashi, who stiffened slightly at the sound.

Good girl.

"Did he?"

"I feel you have what it takes to truly bring out their full potential," Kakashi said, granting me one of his infamous eye smiles. I have to say, I can understand Naruto and co.'s exaperation and anger with him easily. That smile just reeked of asshole.

"I don't have a Sharingan," I said flatly. "Nor am I a sealing expert."

"No, but you can understand them very well," Sarutobi said.

I got his implication immediately.

"And you know how _not_ to teach," Sarutobi said. I mentally grimaced-He was playing _that_ card.

"All the same, you're handing me two students with extremely... Special needs, who do not have families or clans to help them with said needs," I said.

"No jounin would think of refusing you assistance, Tsume-san," Sarutobi said. "But I have entrusted this team to you. Do you not think yourself able to handle it?"

I really, really wanted to say yes. I really wanted to say I wasn't ready for this, that I would probably fuck up the entire future of this world. I could find something, _anything_ to say.

Even if it was futile, I could go down swinging. But they were both playing on the fact that, rather traumatic life aside, I hadn't turned out totally and completely insane. That I was a nice guy who would work to keep my students from getting killed.

"Andoryu can do anything!" Ringumo said defiantly. She hissed loudly.

She was always the least perceptive of her brothers and sisters.

With a heavy sigh, I shook my head.

"No Hokage-sama... I will begin training my team immediately," I said. Ringumo gave the spider equivalent of a big smile, which got another not-shudder out of Kakashi. I recalled his home address.

"Very good." And here, the Hokage gave me a genuine smile. You could tell with him, he made sure you knew. "I believe our resident Spider Sage can handle it."

"What?" I asked, eyes widening. Sarutobi held up the summoning scroll for spiders, the very same one I had signed all those years ago.

"You are the only signer of the scroll who has developed the skills gained from your summons to reach jounin level," Sarutobi said. "I believe there is no one better suited for the position of Spider Sage."

"We wouldn't accept anyone else! What took you so long?" Ringumo demanded.

"We recently recovered it from your sensei's estate. Legal troubles," Sarutobi admitted. He sighed. "I try to respect the rule of law as much as I can, after all."

"Th-Thank you, Sarutobi-sama," I said. Sure, it was little more than a title right now, but being a Sage was, well... It was the equivalent of being the Indiana Jones or Stephen Hawking of your particular field. I took the summoning scroll, almost reverently, and slid the shoulder strap over my head. Ringumo moved a little, and did her spider smile again.

"Good luck, Tsume-san," Sarutobi said. I bowed, and headed out, in slightly higher spirits than before.

Even Kakashi's smirk through his mask didn't dampen my mood. Sure, I had the fate of the Elemental Countries on my shoulders, but it didn't seem as bad as before...

And then my Shadow Clone's memories popped into my head. I groaned.

"What is it?" Ringumo asked.

"My Shadow Clone decided to have Team 7 bond by tying them all together with webbing."

"Is that bad?" Ringumo asked.

A distant explosion was heard through the window. I held a hand to my forehead.

"It is now..."

* * *

I don't normally get stress headaches. Hunger headaches, yes. Allergy related headaches, yes. Changes in weather headaches? Oh very yes.

Well... This actually felt like a hunger headache. As in "My stupid students have made me angry enough to consider eating them."

"So... Just to clarify," I began to my rather singed looking students, "you, Sasuke, threatened to use a Grand Fireball on the webbing."

The Uchiha survivor nodded slowly. He held up his arm, still bound in my Shadow Clone's webbing to Sakura's arm. Sakura, in turn, was bound to Naruto's wrist in a similar arrangement.

"And then Naruto pulled out an explosive note," I continued, my eyes going over to him. The soot-covered blonde growled.

"He started it! He threatened to burn us alive!"

"And when Sakura tried to intervene, the explosive note became unstable, and went off," I finished, my eyes going to my extremely embarrassed female student. She was down to her underwear-Everything else had been burnt off in the explosion.

"Y-Yeah... Your shadow clone took the brunt of the blast," she explained.

Ah. That explained why the last memories my shadow clone sent were of him yelling "Son of a-!"

In English, no less.

"Well... This just proves my point. Teamwork is paramount to a ninja _team_. That means _cooperation_. That does _not_ mean threatening to _kill eachother_ and then blowing _eachother up,_" I said in very clear, very calm words. All three looked at me sullenly. I sighed.

"If this is how you're going to act, then I can see only one possible way you can pass tomorrow's test. Or even act as a team." I gave them all a very, _very_ unpleasant smile. I was pleased to see them all, even Sasuke, look intimidated.

I was probably helped by Ringumo hissing, but all the same...

"Wh-What?" Sakura dared to ask.

"You're going to learn to work together, as _one_, as you are now."

Blank looks for just an instant, and then...

"WHAT?!"

"For how long?" Sasuke demanded.

"Until you learn," I stated flatly.

"But-But Tsume-sensei, I'm a girl!" Sakura squawked.

"Why, so you are!" I gasped in faux surprise. "I couldn't tell!"

"Most can't," Sasuke grumbled. Sakura flushed. Naruto sputtered.

"B-But we have to stick together?! All of us?!"

"Yes Naruto, you do," I said patiently. "Now, Naruto's apartment is the closest, so I suggest you all head there. Rest up, tomorrow's going to be a big day!"

I grinned.

"Oh, and by the way... If any of you try to escape your bonds... _Kuchiyose no jutsu._"

Out of a large poof of smoke, a human-sized wolf spider appeared. All three of my students cringed.

"Then Kokubogumo here will have to drag you back and reapply the webbing. And she doesn't like having to drag things that struggle. She generally applies venom to things that do."

Kokubogumo (which could be literally translated as "cruel mother spider") gave my genin the equivalent of a spider smile. All three looked pale.

"It does make it more difficult to secure new webbing," she said. I immediately noticed all three of my students looking at eachother, and there it was-The beginning of a bond.

Sure, they would be making my life a living hell, but my making their lives living hells had a purpose-To turn them into a team.

... And possibly for my own twisted amusement.

"Well, I will see you all tomorrow," I said cheerfully, as I turned and leaped off.

"Wow, you're really going to run them through the ringer, Andoryu!" Ringumo noted, hanging onto my shoulder. I grinned.

"Well, boot camp is always the hardest part," I replied. "Besides-If I'm the bad guy, then they have a common item of hatred. Namely me."

"Are you sure it was a good idea to have Kokubo-nee-chan handle them?"

"Aw, she's really a sweetheart. She won't hurt any of them..." I thought about it. "Permanently."

* * *

_Yeah, cardinal sin right here. Random idea hit me while I was in the shower, and my bitch of a muse, rather than listening to reason, forced me to write this and show it off. Clearly, she wishes me to commit artistic suicide and plunge to my death, my body caught by the pitchforks of the good people of TFF and Fanfiction dot net, who will pursue me to the ends of the Earth for this horrific idea._

_But, as I am weakwilled when it comes to the whims of my muse, I present to you this horror of an idea. Do as you will with it. _


	33. That Most Heinous of Crimes Part 2

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding __Key Through the Heart__ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

* * *

It was a cliche in nearly every fanfiction you could imagine that the jounin ninja had their own bar. And those writers would probably be titillated to learn that they were right-They did have their own bar.

It was even secret. In an open sort of way. Nestled between two regular bars in the red light district, the roof of which I was crouched on. Every ninja knew it was here, but everyone had their own theory on how to get in. From wrestling a bear to withstanding Gai's Lecture On Youth, Parts 1 through 10, in one sitting.

Now on audiotape. I really wish I was making that up.

Hey, jounin don't just take missions to make ends meet, ya know.

But no, all you really had to do was get in without looking like a total and complete idiot.

"Heyah, Spider."

Which I _nearly_ managed. I froze and looked over my shoulder.

"Hello Mitarashi-sempai," I said. That most infamous of Konoha kunoichi chuckled evilly as she looked me over.

Yes, the first thing to pop into my mind was that she was "magically babelicious". The second thing to pop into my mind was that she was insanely scary.

This did not take away from the babelicious part, mind you.

"Rough first day for the new teacher?" She posed, eying me like a cat does a meal. I stayed in a crouched position, where I felt most comfortable.

"Not really..."

"Heard you got Team 7," she hissed.

"Oh, you know... Egotistical genius rookie of the year, enthusiastic but dumb deadlast, and useless kunoichi fangirl." I shrugged. "Nothing some horrible suffering won't fix."

"See, this is why I like you, Andoryu," she grinned. "You have such a wonderful sense of priorities."

"I like to think so," I managed.

"Awww... Aren't you cute, you're so detached," Anko cooed. She leaned over and grinned.

_Oh Christ, hanging boobs! Think about baseball, think about baseball!_

"Just... Kind of like that," I said. She slunk over, swinging her hips and making herself very... Very...

No! Latch onto fear of females! It's a very spiderish thing to have! And it's good in this situation!

"So, are you going to go in, or what?" She asked, face leaning uncomfortably close to mine. I managed not to blink.

"I was waiting for you," I said. She grinned.

_Stupid stupid stupid!_

"How flattering," she said. "Not up to this all by yourself? Want me to hold your... Hand?"

This is definitely something my Other was superior to me in: Not going totally crazy in fear or lust over Anko.

"Sure."

Okay, maybe my Other was just suicidal.

_Oh I'm screwed, totally screwed..._

Then she did something very... Well... There's no other way to say it.

_She giggled_.

"All right," she said, and took my hand. "C'mon, they've got a special on that Iwa Sake. You can buy me a few."

"Sure," I replied, standing up. We jumped down to the entrance, hands still holding. She looked like she was rather enjoying the entire experience.

Truth be told, part of me was too. But seriously... I knew, I _knew_ there was something horrible in store for me. Both sides, me and my Other, knew that nothing good happened to us without incredible terror or trauma happening after. Or before.

In this case, possibly during...

* * *

The jounin bar was nice. Simply decorated, but clean, with several tables in front of the bar itself. Most were occupied; from Hayate in the corner with Yuugao, giving every vibe of a simple night out, to Asuma and Kurenai at different tables. Clearly, their relationship was "off" at the moment.

Aside from an old jukebox in the corner, playing something that sounded a little like Bach set to guitar, the biggest "decoration" was a wall full of photos, stretching from the entrance to the bathrooms. Anko noticed my look and quirked an eyebrow.

"Ah... First things first. WHO'S GOT THE CAMERA?!"

To my considerable shock, it was Morino Ibiki who, turning on his barstool, produced a camera. Anko grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"C'mon Newbie, smile," she said. I offered a small smile to the camera, and with a flash, the picture was taken. Anko grabbed it and pinned it onto the wall with a senbon. Ibiki calmly went back to his drink-Something red.

"There, you're officially in," she said sweetly.

"I like the ceremony, very brisk," I commented.

"Leaves more time for drinking," Anko returned. "Speaking of, come on!" She dragged me right to the bar, setting me down. She plopped down cheerfully next to me. "Barkeep, the good stuff!" Anko's grin made me both fear for my wallet and a little more for my life.

"So, congrats on the team." I turned to look over my shoulder as Asuma joined us. I noticed Anko's slight rise in tension, and mentally I smirked. Even a ninja cannot tell when he is unwelcome, at times. It was a nice boost to the ego as well, but I decided not to dwell on that.

"Same to you... Ino Yamanaka, Chouji Akimichi, and Shikamaru Nara," I recited. I shook my head. "They stuck em all together and handed them to you?"

"Natural capture team," Asuma explained. "And they've got potential." He smirked.

"Heard about yours. Rookie of the Year, and the Deadlast..."

"Yep, pretty much," I spoke. I nodded kindly to the bartender as he brought our drinks. I set down some money, and glanced over as Anko began to drank. What can I say, anything this woman does is sexy _and_ frightening.

"Mmm..." She noticed my look, and smirked at me. I smiled back. I then abruptly noticed

Asuma was still talking. Even as a single person I recognize when two other people are on a date and wish to be left alone!

"Managing a good team is like a good relationship... Or so I've heard..." He continued.

I nodded a little, and sipped my sake. Immediately liking the taste, I sipped more, Asuma continuing to drone on.

"But, you're a good ninja, from what I've heard..."

"Mmhm..."

"... So really, Rookie, you've got to make the most of it it's not really fair, but well, there you are. Life is unfair."

I could understand Asuma was trying to help, or simply trying to keep away from Kurenai. Either way, I got annoyed. Really annoyed. And when I get annoyed, well... My inner geek comes out strongest.

"You know, um…I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair," I began. "Then I thought, wouldn't it be _much worse_ if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

I sipped my sake calmly, as Asuma fell silent. He then chuckled and shook his head.

"I think you'll be fine," he said.

"Yes, thank you," I replied.

"Don't think you'll be better than that though," he returned glibly. I shrugged, took another sip. Damn this stuff was good... I felt... Happy.

"Maybe not..."

"Still, don't get cocky. You've got a long climb ahead of you," he continued.

"We all do..."

"Fascinating, really Asuma, but beat it. Mine for the night, you understand?" Anko interjected, wrapping her arm around my waist. Asuma blinked, looked between us...

And studiously kept himself from smiling.

"A _very_ long climb," he added, before giving me a nod and moving off. I smiled and nodded back.

Anko's arm remained.

"Up for another round?" She asked. I blinked.

"That was quick." She'd finished her bottles off fast. She grinned broadly.

"I have a big mouth."

"A little unsubtle, that," I commented. Anko laughed and patted my cheek.

"All depends on what you're trying to get across. And there's just enough leeway for it to be taken differently."

"Intent matters just as much as source," I replied, after taking another drink of my sake.

Was it a new bottle? Was it the old bottle? Who cared?

"Ahhh... You're the philosophical kind of drunk," she observed.

"I am not drunk... Merely buzzed," I replied. "And I am philosophical because I have nothing more interesting to talk about."

"Aw, and if I found what you have to say interesting?"

"I'd say you are very, very bored."

She laughed warmly, and patted me on the back. I took another drink.

"It's all in your perspective," Anko commented. I looked over at her with a blink.

"And your perspective is?"

She grinned and bumped her nose against mine. "That you're cute. Especially with your low tolerance for alcohol."

Another drink. I looked back at her.

"I'll have you know, my eyes are my cutest feature," I replied.

"All four of them," she observed. She took another drink, emptying her bottle happily. I watched. I liked watching her. I resolved to do it more often.

I was vaguely aware of the looks shot our way-I may have been a lightweight, but my

Other was well trained. Looks of some interest, perhaps for gossip purposes. Trust me, ANBU has a whole _section_ devoted to rumormongering. And anyone associating with _Mitarashi Anko?_ Prime material, particularly involving the instructor of Team 7.

Infamy and rumor went hand in hand with the Ninja Way. It was something you learned to live with.

"YOSH!"

Oh, and lunatics. Did I mention the lunatics?

A strong arm came around my shoulders, and it wasn't Anko's. I smell the spandex right away, and part of my mind chided me for letting _Maito Gai_, of all people, sneak up on me. It was unbecoming of a spider, a _predator_, to let him sneak up upon me.

"Hello, Tsume-san! It is good to see another worthy ninja join the ranks of instructors! I wish you and your students a long and happy youth as you work together, becoming stronger and learning from each other!"

"Um... Thank you, Gai," I replied. He patted me on the back hard enough to nearly send me over the bar.

"You are most welcome, Tsume-sensei! Haha! Bartender! My usual!"

After grabbing a jug of sake, Gai immediately gave us space and sat at the far end of the bar. I stared after him for a few moments. Anko elbowed me.

"Oi, no staring at him," she stated.

"Sorry, I think I'm a little non-plussed," I replied, looking back into her warm eyes. Anko smirked.

"You?"

"A little... I'm only human," I admitted.

"You don't always act like it," she pointed out.

"I think it's a very human thing to not act human, because if we acted like humans all the time, being human would become mundane." I gulped down more sake, before I continued.

"To err is to human, but to not be human is also human. So really, it's all very, very human."

"I think you're drunk now," she said.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Do you want to sleep with me?"

I blinked. "What does that have to do with me being drunk?"

"Just answer me."

I decided to be honest.

"No I don't want to sleep with you. I want to have _sex_ with you."

I abruptly wondered why the entire bar was so quiet. Anko stared at me for a little while.

She then smiled, and tightened her grip around my waist.

"Would you say that if you were sober?"

"One... I'm not drunk. Two, if I was sober, I might not say it... Doesn't make it any less the truth," I recited. Anko chuckled. I felt a hand on my ass.

"You're very lucky you're so cute," she murmured. She took another bottle of sake, downed it, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. She looked at me.

"Pay the bartender. We're going to your place."

I smiled cheerfully back, and tossed the bartender some coins. I wasn't sure how many, and before I could check, Anko was dragging me out the door.

I suppose honesty was the best policy... If you were honest about it.

* * *

_Keep in mind, this does not mean Anko would fall madly in love with Andoryu, or marry him or anything. He may not even sleep with her. But, if you don't believe me, flame away._


	34. Our Last, Best Hope for Peace

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding __Key Through the Heart__ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

* * *

The hat was atop his head, the cape fluttering in the breeze. The faces of the Hokage who had come before gazed down upon his back, and his eager people stared up at him from the village square below.

"Namikaze-sama," Homura said softly. "It is time."

Namikaze Minato, the recently declared Fourth Hokage, smiled slightly at the old advisor. Homura and Koharu, the Third's advisors, stood at either side of him. The Third himself was at the edge, expectant and calm.

Even the murmuring of the crowd was soft, so many below him.

Minato nodded, and stepped forward. In his vest pocket, he could feel the speech he had worked on in front of the advisors, that had been shown before the council. It had no effect on his tenure as the new Hokage, but it was considered tradition, polite tradition, to let them know what you intended to say. Preserved for posterity, showing the way the new Kage might handle things.

They had been shocked, to say the least. Even Hiruzen, staunch supporter of postive change he was, had been taken aback. But the Third commanded loyalty, and he had been convinced by Minato. The others had fallen suit. The Daimyo, eager to avoid the slaughter his conventional troops had gone through, had also agreed.

Danzo though... His block had agreed only very reluctantly. They had motives beyond what was written on paper, this Minato knew. But only time would reveal what they had planned.

As for him... He knew the obstacles. The biggest ones were out of the way, for now, but even so... There would be no turning back.

He stepped up, the crowd's talk softening ever so slightly. It then stopped entirely, every eye in Konohagakure upon him.

"My people," he began, "our last war with Iwagakure and Kumogakure has made me realize something. That, no matter what reasons are being fought for, no matter how noble the goals, war is destructive. War takes. Not just lives but innocence, joy, love, tranquility. At times it is necessary, but it is never wished for. Never truly wanted."

He took another deep breath, the only sound he could hear the beating of his own heart and his voice.

"As Hokage, I take upon this mantle, this office to defend and protect you. But that is not enough. Not for me. The Hokage means so much more than the most powerful ninja in a village, than your leader. It means... A person who embodies the will of fire. Who does what is right, no matter how difficult it may be." He looked over the crowd. He still had them. Good.

"The shinobi arts are our livelihood, and I would never deny it, never deny the ninja," Minato said. "But, we cannot continue fighting wars like this. We cannot continue to allow personal ambitions of other nations or mistakes on our own part to cause these conflicts. To give life to war out of arrogance, ignorance, or anger. I refuse to allow more lives to be lost and destroyed by another such conflict."

He looked over them all, hoping, praying that his next words would be understood. Would be supported. Even with the Council and the Daimyo, if his people couldn't back him up, it would fall apart.

He smiled, filling it with the hope he felt, the fear and uncertainty fading into the background.

"To that end... With the support of the Daimyo and the Council, I have authorized the start of the Kami no Tatsu Project. In neutral territory between the major powers of the continent, a village will be constructed. This village will host representatives of every hidden village and country, allies and former enemies alike.."

He could feel the uncertainty and tension in the air slowly fade away, and he pressed on.

"Kibougakure no Sato, the Village Hidden in Hope, will be operated by Konohagakure, but it's aim will be to allow all of us a place to work out our differences peacefully. I therefore call upon you all, to support this project fully, in the hopes of a better tommorrow. Because, in the end... We believe it is our last, best hope for peace. A hope for peace I will commit to, fully, even at the cost of my life. Because I feel it is the best thing I can offer you, my people."

There was silence for only a moment after he finished. Too long and he would know he had lost them. Too short...

One pair of hands began clapping. He traced the source, and his eyes widened. There, on a nearby rooftop, Uzumaki Kushina smiled warmly and applauded. Others followed, until cheers and celebration broke out among them all. Hiruzen gave his successor a smile of his own, and even the two old advisors, grumpy and conservative to the last, were approving.

Namikaze Minato, Fourth Hokage, smiled out at his people. His dream would take form. There was a long road ahead of him... But together, he knew they would make it.

_And so it begins..._

* * *

Inspired by my recent binging on _Babylon 5_, I present this idea to make the _Naruto_ story more symmetrical.

On one side, we have Pein-He desires peace, but will ensure it by destroying the urge to war, by causing such horrific pain to all that none will dare try to make war again.

On the other, Minato's dream of peace-Through cooperation, understanding and talk. Through alliance and diplomacy. Offering hope and building bridges.

In the shadows, Madara works his plans to counter the Senju's-Opposing philisophies that clash through clans and villages.

Namikaze Minato dies saving his village from the Kyuubi, leaving the survivors to take up the burden of Kibougakure. The neutral village is built, despite much controversy and political intrigue. And with the rise of Akatsuki, the machinations of Madara and Danzo, and the dozens of nations and ninja villages all with decades of conflict in their histories, it won't be an easy job.

But, if anyone is going to pull it off as the darkness grows, it will be Uzumaki Naruto, who takes his father's dream of a united humanity as his own. He will be Hokage some day, but until that day, he will fight for the success of the Tatsu no Kami project.

Discuss, make suggestions, and just play around with the idea.


	35. KT

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding __Key Through the Heart__ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_School continues to drain away my brainpower, so here's a bit of an odd idea I came up with a few months ago for you to check out. I know, it seems to be yet another chapter in the "AJT can't just focus on a single story and write it" epic, but as soon as I get school sorted out, I'll be free enough to write again. It'll take a while though.  
_

_

* * *

_Three years. Three years had rarely seemed as long as this one, even to Jiraiya.

Two and a half years since Naruto Uzumaki had disappeared.

Two and a half year of fruitless searching, without so much as a trace. Every spy, every contact, every whorehouse and temple and favor he could pull, but there was nothing. One moment, he'd felt Naruto's chakra signature, chaotic and wild in a nearby field as he did his research, the next... Gone.

He wasn't dead, Jiraiya knew this (or refused to consider it). There had been no sign of other ninja, not a trace of blood in the air. He had quite simply disappeared.

He had nothing. He suspected Konoha had even less.

Yet he'd promised to return at the appointed time, and Jiraiya had resolved to at least keep this one. Naruto wouldn't let him hear the end of it, wherever he was.

* * *

_She knew she shouldn't tamper with Mother's magic. She was only an apprentice, only a few years out of the shell, but she knew she could do this! She had to do this!_

_They couldn't stay for long-Prime's forces were everywhere, scouring the countryside for anyone with even the slightest hint of the Magic. Mother had not returned-Her scent was long cold. She dare not go out and search herself-She had no means of concealment._

_So all that was left, as the patrols of the Warriors drew closer to the niche, was to look through the spell books. The Magic was strong in her, it was strong in Mother. The sealwork seemed simple enough, but the intention was unclear. It seemed to be a standard summoning, utilizing the Magic to bridge across great distances. She'd done it before when selecting her totem. Even now she could sense it, a furry primate somewhere in the Shadow Continent, going about it's business in a distant forest. She'd been mortified when it she had first felt it-It was not a graceful falcon like that of her mother. Even a False-Bear or a Supamara would've been better!_

_But her mother laughed, and simply said that she would grow to appreciate her totem. Even small animals had their advantages._

_She shook her head quickly, trying to clear her distracting thoughts as she drew the contours of the seal. Ochre, blood, indigo all went into it, the complexity of the design requiring careful focus and work._

_She put symbols for understanding into the sealwork, to allow her to communicate with the summon. There was no telling what kind of aid she woud receive-Perhaps a familiar, perhaps a champion. A Warrior of her own. She had to make it clear what it was she seeked, or the spell would not work._

_She pulled back carefully once she was done, making sure not a line was out of place. Satisfied, she circled around the seal, placing feathers at each cardinal point. She then set her hands and head down on the ground, and focused through the initiator seal. Magic swept through her, and she felt words come to her, words in a tongue she did not understand... At first._

_"_From a land touched by the stars, from a land built from fire and steel, bring forth aid in mortal form, bring my enemies to heel!"

_There was a surge in Magic, and she felt for a moment as though the entire world were twisting. She saw a land of forest, far as the eye could see, with a clear blue sky and birds flying high above, as though looking through existence itself..._

_And then, standing before her was a blinking creature, the likes of which she had never seen before. It stared at her with blue eyes, and she stared right back._

_"GYAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" The creature screamed, leaping out of the seal and staring in shock._

_"KWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!" She shrieked in response, losing her balance and falling flat on her haunches._

_"Wh-What the heck are you?!" The creature shouted._

_"Me?! What are YOU!" She retorted. The Magic was working-She'd have to remember to add another seal to her collar to allow further communication. If she _wanted_ more communication._

_"I'm Uzumaki Naruto! And I'm going to be Hokage! What the heck are you?" The 'Uzumaki Naruto' asked. She cocked her head curiously, and got back up onto her feet._

_"My name is First Hatched on Sunrise, and just what are you supposed to be? I've never seen an Uzumaki before!" She sniffed him, and clucked unhappily. _A primate?! UGH! Of course I'd have to get a primate!

_"I'm not an Uzumaki, I'm a human! And what are you supposed to be, an oversized chicken?" Naruto asked flatly. Sunrise didn't know what a chicken was, but from the context she believed it was insulting._

_"How dare you! I'm not a chicken! I'm a-A powerful Wizard's apprentice!"_

_"A Wizard? What the heck did you do?"_

_"I was _trying_ to summon some aid," Sunrise began, but the door was quickly smashed open. Warriors poured into the nice, their blades held high. Their leader narrowed his eyes behind his steel helmet._

_"First Hatched on Sunrise, of the Clutch at Dunkar, you are under arrest and to be brought before the High Council for crimes committed with magic," he stated._

_"Huh? Magic?" Naruto looked at Sunrise._

_"This creature is all the evidence we need!" The leader clucked._

_"I was summoning aid to fight _them_," Sunrise growled. "Well? Are you aid or not?"_

_"Surrender or we will take you by force!" The leader growled again, as the rest of the flock moved in. Naruto scowled._

_"What exactly do you want with her? And what the heck is going on?"_

_"Silence, creature! You will be brought before the Council as evidence! Sieze him!"_

_Two of the Warriors surged forward, blades at the ready, razor-sharp helmets ready to aid their strong beaks. Sunrise cringed. Some wizard she was, she couldn't even summon a proper-!_

POOF!

_Naruto was replaced by a log. The two Warriors stared in shock, before more Narutos appeared throughout the niche, attacking the Prime's soldiers. They squawked and shouted in shock before they were all summarily put down. Sunrise stared down at them, and then back up at Naruto._

_"How...?"_

_"Well, duh... I'm a ninja. Didn't you know you were summoning a ninja?" Naruto asked flatly._

_"I... I didn't know what I was summoning," Sunrise replied. The scent of something burning hit her nose, and she belatedly noticed that an oil lamp had been upended and sent crashing to the wooden floor._

_"AWK! Grab the books! Grab the books and get out of here!" She cried, gathering as many of the tomes as she could and running outside. Naruto soon followed, more of his copies following him with armfuls of books._

_"So... Was this all you summoned me for?" He asked. Sunrise groaned._

_"No... I... I need help... My mother is gone, I'm afraid they took her."_

_"Well... Since you did summon me... I guess I'll help!" Naruto said._

_"Eh? You-You will?" Sunrise asked._

_"Sure! I mean, that's what summons do... Besides, I've met guys like those before... Really pissed me off." He smiled. "So, let's find your mother... By the way, where am I?"_

_"The Realm of the Prime Wizard, formally known as Kuakak province," Sunrise dutifully reported._

_"... Ever heard of Konoha?"_

_"No. And I take it you never heard of Kuakak either."_

_"No..."_

_"Well... Once we get my mother back, she'll know how to send you home, I promise."_

_"Good! By the way... I don't suppose you know where I could find some ramen?"_

_"... Ramen?"_

_"Aw man...! Oh well. It shouldn't take too long to find your mother. How hard could it be?"_

* * *

Jiraiya looked grave. It was never a good sign, in Tsunade's mind.

"Naruto... Where is Naruto?" She asked the moment he stepped in. His expression didn't change. Tsunade felt her heart clench in fear.

_Please, no... No, don't let him... Don't let him be gone... No, please... Please!_

"I haven't been able to find him," Jiraiya said. "I've... I've looked everywhere, Hime. It's like he just vanished."

"And you took two and a half years to tell me?!" Tsunade demanded. Jiraiya's frown deepened.

"I've been combing the continent from end to end trying to find him! He's not with Akatsuki-If he was, we'd probably know-"

"But you still have no idea where he is? None at all?!" Tsunade demanded.

_CRACKABOOM!_

A lightning strike and the resulting thunder shook the building to it's foundation. Both Sannin moved to the window, instantly zeroing in on the source of the distress. A crater was sitting in the middle of the street, obscured by smoke.

In moment they were down there, ANBU surrounding it and moving any civilians away. Tsunade frowned.

"You sense it...?"

"I do, but I don't..."

"_WAAAAAARRRRKKKK!"_ A sound like the roar of a tiger mixed with the squawk of a large bird rose up from the smoke, as did a large form. The smoke cleared further, and the chakra senses of the two Sannin were able to "see" clearly.

_What in the...?_ Tsunade thought. "Naruto?! NARUTO!"

The smoke cleared. The large form was unfamiliar-It resembled a penguin, if you mixed it with a hawk and made it stand ten feet tall, and replaced the beak with a mouth full of sharp teeth. It growled low at the assembled ninja, swinging a long tail back and forth behind it, large paddle-like wings outstretched in intimidation.

From the top of the creature, Naruto Uzumaki-Three years older, wearing her necklace as well as one made of bone, teeth and stones carved with strange symbols across his bare chest-grinned down at them and held up a long, curved dagger.

"Granny! Ero-Sennin! Hey, Sunrise! Sunrise, you did it!"

To add to the weirdness, a three-foot tall bird wearing bright blue clothing over pale white and midnight blue feathers stepped out from behind the penguin-like monster. It was nervously tapping clawed, three-fingered hands together.

"Uh, yes, I think I did... Are you all right?" The bird asked.

"Oh yeah, me and Pen are all right! Aren'tcha Pen?"

The named creature rumbled happily, and bowed it's head to let Naruto jump down. He grinned at the stunned Tsunade, and raised his arms to rest behind his neck.

"So... What'd I miss?"

Jiraiya stood still for a very long time, before he burst into laughter.

"Only you, Naruto... Only you..."

* * *

_Basic sypnosis: I was reading John Carter of Mars, and an article on the possibility of sentient dinosaurs and what they may have looked like if they evolved. Combine that with me and you can pretty much figure out what happened._

_Naruto gets summoned to a parallel timeline where the KT extinction never occurred, and instead of mammals producing a primate to become the dominant species on Earth, instead the dinosaurs continued to flourish and produced a sentient lifeform._

_For whatever reason, they're at a middle ages level of technology, and also have chakra capability, which they refer to as "Magic". Powerful wizards had risen up, using sealing, what we would identify as alchemy, and "spells" to gain power and attempt to rule the world. And unfortunately, the spell that Sunrise used is soon found out by other wizards, who see in the Naruto world great potential. See, even if the dinosauroids don't have traditional jutsu, they're on a DnD level when it comes to manipulating it, and depending on who they trade with, might possibly change the balance of power in the Naruto world and cause chaos._

_Or they might grant humans access to their more abundant, untapped resources in exchange for power. In the middle of these two worlds is Naruto Uzumaki, who must use new and old skills alike to allow these two universes to stay at peace._


	36. Star Trek Naruto 3

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding __Key Through the Heart__ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Here's another scene for the _Star Trek (2009)/Naruto_ fusion idea I kicked around a little. _

* * *

_He's tugging at his sleeves again..._ Doctor Shizune Senju thought, striding down the corridor alongside Iruka Umino. Even as they went over the checklist for the new medical supplies, his fingers went to the rank bands just above his wrists on his amber uniform. She couldn't help a small smile at this. He was so cute.

"At least two cadets have come down with some variation on H45N4," she said.

"Sounds nasty," Iruka commented as they continued on their way. Shizune shrugged.

"Nothing too serious. It's been picked up before and the vaccines for H45N1 are still working. These two cadets just missed the chance to get their shots due to a family emergency. Still, we'll keep an eye on them."

"How about the new grav stretchers, didn't some of the medics complain about them being stuck at 2 gees?" Iruka continued. Shizune nodded.

"I've had the affected equipment sent down to maintenance but they keep saying that they just don't have the time with all the equipment hiccups popping up," she sighed, shaking her head. Iruka smiled wryly and shook his head as they passed crewman through the corridor.

"Trust me Doctor, compared to some of the other headaches I have to deal with, this is pretty minor."

"The launch preparation isn't that rough, is it?" Shizune asked. The newly minted captain sighed again and rubbed the back of his head.

"Well, Engineering's having some software glitches so they've had to pull some dockworkers in for manual adjustment of the EPS conduits, at least half the airlocks are stuck in maintenance cycles, I've got supply problems of every kind..."

"I've noticed an awfully large number of shuttles, you know," Shizune commented. "I thought this ship was equipped with a transporter?"

Iruka made a face. "Yes, but it's limited to beaming up maybe 2,000 kilos a shot, and it takes at least a _minute_ each way to complete. A shuttle is a lot more efficient."

"A minute? Then what good is it?" Shizune asked.

"Figures a _doctor_ wouldn't get it."

Shizune stiffened, and grit her teeth. She managed a friendly smile though, at the curvy, grinning figure approaching. Iruka stiffened a bit next to her, which filled Shizune with a warm fuzzy feeling while it lasted. He smiled widely at the woman in the green Starfleet Marine fatigues.

"Anko! How'd you find me?"

"I wouldn't be very good at my job if I couldn't find you, would I, _Captain_ Umino?" Anko asked, her broad, impish smile barely covering something more... Predatory.

_Bitch,_ Shizune thought venomously. Out loud, she managed to be polite, though the tension was palpable between the two women.

"Captain Mitarashi."

"_Major_ Mitarashi while the Captain's onboard, _Doctor_," Anko returned, her smile growing positively deadly. Shizune's own smile felt more like that of a psychotic killer, but she didn't really care at this point.

"Very well, _Major._ Exactly what did you mean by me not getting something about the transporter?" Shizune asked icily. Iruka, no stranger to their tension, coughed and moved just a little bit out of the way of their glares.

"Well, since we're the first to actually develop the technology, it means we can insert special forces anywhere we want to. Hell, might even be able to beam bombs aboard enemy ships if we can figure out their shields. Oh, and beaming up critically injured people off the surface of a planet is a _much_ faster way of getting them treatment. Might save a few lives. Wouldn't you agree, Captain?" Anko asked, almost sweetly. Iruka coughed and tugged at his collar.

"Ah, yes, all sorts of things..."

"I find it hard to believe that a device that takes people apart and puts them back together again somewhere else is going to be particularly safe. Especially considering it's merely a prototype," Shizune sniffed.

"Now that doesn't sound very... _Open-minded_, does it Doctor?" Anko asked cattily.

"Too open a mind leads to nothing staying in," Shizune retorted.

"Uh-" Iruka tried.

"Aw, did you think that one up all by yourself?" Anko mocked. "I wonder how long Iruka's had to endure that kind of 'witty banter'."

"Nearly as long as he's had to _suffer_ your presence," Shizune hissed.

The sound of a cleared throat interrupted the impending catfight, and all eyes went to it's source. Itachi Uchiha, smirking a bit at the situation, with Neji Hyuuga, looking (per his usual) unamused.

"Captain, there are a few messages from Starfleet Command we think you should have a look at," Itachi said. Iruka nodded and gave a warm (if rather relieved) smile at the two women.

"That's good, Commander. I'll be right there, excuse me ladies," the captain said, moving quickly down the corridor. Itachi and Neji followed, the Uchiha wisely turning his face away from the fuming Doctor and Marine.

Shizune and Anko scowled at eachother, before stalking off in different directions.

"Thanks for the rescue," Iruka sighed, once he was sure the women were out of earshot. Itachi chuckled.

"I believe that's the XO's job... Although I keep failing to not make you look like an ass, sir."

"Thanks for that. Really. Truly," Iruka sighed. He glanced over at Neji, who was perfectly calm.

"Starfleet Command is waiting, Captain. Something urgent. I wanted to send the message to your communicator, but Commander Uchiha insisted we 'bail you out'." The pale eyed officer's brows narrowed. "It seemed to me a waste of time and effort."

Iruka scowled at the Uchiha, a sneaking suspicion entering his mind. "How long-?"

"Five minutes. Then Hyuuga here insisted we 'save' you," Itachi noted wryly. Iruka rolled his eyes. Why oh why did he get stuck with Itachi as his cadet-first officer?

_Oh yes, because he has one of the highest GPAs in recorded history and is a genius at tactical management. Of course,_ his brain replied.

Nevermind the man was a pain in the ass and nearly as prolific a prankster as Naruto.

"I'll be in my ready room," he mumbled, turning a corner and heading for the bridge. Itachi smirked as Neji simply glared at him.

"Commander... With all due respect, such actions are hardly befitting a Starfleet officer," he stated flatly.

"Hey, a little tension relief is good for everyone, especially with how this launch is going," Itachi stated. He grinned.

"Besides... It's _fun._"

* * *

_The basics:_

_~Captain Iruka Umino: Academy professor who, encouraged by his favorite student Naruto's determination and the encouragement of his friends (Doctor Shizune Senju of Starfleet Medical and Captain Anko Mitarashi of the Starfleet Marines) worked to pass Command School and qualify for promotion to Captain. Prior to becoming a teacher, he served aboard starships for twelve years, including the ill-fated _Raiden_, commanded by Commander Minato Namikaze until it was destroyed in combat against an unknown vessel. His appointment to the _Konoha_ for her maiden voyage (admittedly a training cruise) has been criticized by many in Starfleet; Captains Hatake Kakashi and Asuma Sarutobi were both pushing hard for the assignment. Admiral Hiruzen Sarutobi has stated, however, that Iruka is what the next generation of Starfleet officers and crewmen need-A good teacher and a man with "hidden depths"._

_~Doctor Shizune Senju: A former student and protege of Dr. Tsunade Senju, Shizune took on her teacher's last name after being orphaned. She has taught at the Starfleet Academy School of Medicine for the last five years ever since Tsunade departed. She has been assigned to the __Konoha__ for her maiden voyage. She has romantic inclinations towards Captain Umino, and a fierce rivalry with Captain Anko Mitarashi over his affections._

_~Captain Anko Mitarashi (Marines): As a cadet, was caught up the defection and betrayal of former Head of Starfleet Xenobiology Research, Orochimaru. Despite this black mark on her record, with the help of childhood friend Iruka Umino she has recovered, and gone on to lead the Starfleet Marine detachment placed aboard _Konoha_. She has made her feelings regarding Iruka very clear, and sees Dr. Senju as a clear rival._

_~Lt. Colonel Maito Gai (Marines): A jovial, eccentric Marine with a long history of service, who is an expert in martial arts from around the Federation and a man with a "talent" for causing massive destruction. He is beloved by all his students, though most would sooner kill themselves than admit it._

_~Captain Kakashi Hatake: A prodigy who made Captain in Starfleet at the age of 26-The youngest to ever reach that rank. While a capable soldier who often went on covert missions for the Federation, he suffers from a distinct lack of initiative except in combat, and poor interpersonal skills due to trauma suffered during fighting in the last Klingon War. Applied to captain the __Konoha__ but was turned down, instead given the USS _Raikiri_._

_~Cadet Commander Itachi Uchiha: Brilliant, charming, and at times downright weird, Itachi is a rising star in Starfleet. Seeing in Naruto Uzumaki a kindred spirit, he is Naruto's sempai back at the academy. He serves as the _Konoha's _first officer, and unlike his little brother fully embraces his emotions. The rest of the Uchiha clan became naturalized citizens of Vulcan long ago with the Hyuuga clan, and adopted their ways. Itachi is most decidedly not a traditional Uchiha._

~_Cadet Lt. Commander Neji Hyuuga:_ _Brilliant, stern, and highly logical, Neji is proud of his Vulcan and Hyuuga heritage and due to his genius and determination has been appointed _Konoha's_ science officer. Contrary to Cmdr. Uchiha, most definitely does NOT like Naruto, especially given his younger cousin's affections towards him._

_To be continued sometime in the future…_


	37. Ave Marie

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

* * *

Snow wasn't as common in Konoha as rain, but it was common enough that Naruto knew two things about it. It was awesome to watch and play with, but really, really cold.

Right now, it was very, very cold, and his apartment building had been locked up for the night. So the nine year old was left to wander around the outer districts of Konoha, the sun long gone. He shivered, rubbing his sides underneath his simple cloak.

"Stupid manager," he grumbled. "I get my rent in on time, and he does this to me!"

The village seemed so quiet right now. Naruto didn't like quiet. It made him want to fill the emptiness with something. Anything.

"Stupid snow... Stupid silence... HEY! HEEEEY!" He shouted up at the sky. "HEEEY!" He scowled up at the tumultuous sky above, and turned away.

"Nothing..." Naruto stuck his hands in his pockets and shivered. "Hngh..."

He trudged further in the snow filled streets, passing a few people here and there. None paid him any mind, and he paid them no heed. It was a lousy day and it was turning into a lousier night.

"Exactly what do I do now?" He thought aloud. He looked around. "Huh?" He didn't recognize where he was. There were more trees now than buildings.

"Now what...?" He'd never been around here. He pulled his cloak more tightly around his body and shivered.

"Great... Maybe I can make an igloo?"

A snatch of sound hit his ears, and he turned in the direction it seemed to come from.

"Huh? What's that...?"

He saw lights, drifting between the tree trunks. He moved towards them, and as he did the sounds became a little more clear. _Singing?_

_"Ave Maria! maiden mild!  
Listen to a maiden's prayer!  
Thou canst hear though from the wild;  
Thou canst save amid despair..._"

Naruto saw figures in the snowstorm, people. And in each hand, they carried candles in lamps. Together they sang, marching along a path. He stumbled a bit in the snow, his short legs unable to keep him upright in the deep drift. He felt a strong arm catch him, and he looked up.

"O-Old Man T-T-Teuchi?"

The ramen chef looked back and shook his head. "Naruto! What are you doing out here? You'll catch your death of cold."

"Um, m-my apartment is l-l-locked out," Naruto got out through chattering teeth. A smaller figure in a coat appeared, long brown hair waving slightly in the wind.

"Naruto! Oh Dad, we can't leave him out here..." Ayame reached down and hugged him. Teuchi chuckled.

"No, I suppose we can't... Well! Come on Naruto."

"Wh-What are you d-d-doing out here, anyw-way?" Naruto asked. Teuchi smiled, wrapped his larger cloak around Naruto and his daughter, and led him after the other people.

_"Safe may we sleep beneath thy care,  
Though banish'd, outcast and reviled -  
Maiden! hear a maiden's prayer;  
Mother, hear a suppliant child!  
Ave Maria...!_"

"It's a very special night, this night," Teuchi said. Naruto looked up through the cloak, seeing a small, wooden building that everyone with a candle was heading for. Up top were two poles-One sticking up from the roof, the other across it in a cross.

"Wh-Wh-Why?"

And around them, the singing continued.

_"Ave Maria! undefiled!  
The flinty couch we now must share  
Shall seem this down of eider piled,  
If thy protection hover there..."_

"It's Christmas Eve, Naruto!" Ayame said eagerly, as they entered the building. It instantly felt warmer, the heat of a fire and of gathered people in various pews. In front, there was a podium, with another cross symbol behind it.

_"The murky cavern's heavy air  
Shall breathe of balm if thou hast smiled;  
Then, Maiden! hear a maiden's prayer,  
Mother, list a suppliant child!  
Ave Maria!_"

"Christmas? What's Christmas?" Naruto asked. Teuchi led Ayame and Naruto to a pew, and they bundled up on the seat. Naruto felt nice and warm between Ayame, who kept her arm around him, and Mr. Ichiraku.

"I'll tell him, Dad," Ayame said. She looked over at Naruto. "See, it's about the birth of Jesus."

"Jesus?"

_"Ave Maria! stainless styled.  
Foul demons of the earth and air,  
From this their wonted haunt exiled,  
Shall flee before thy presence fair..._"

"It's a long, complicated story... But we have time," Ayame said with a smile. And so, set against the backdrop of the continued singing, Naruto was told a story. The stories she told him were always good, but this one was different. There was a sense of adventure, sure, she always included that but it wasn't the ninja fighting kind.

_"We bow us to our lot of care,  
Beneath thy guidance reconciled;  
Hear for a maid a maiden's prayer,  
And for a father hear a child!  
Ave Maria..."_

About duty, sacrifice, love, compassion... It made his head spin. And as always with Ayame, it was well told. And the singing! It seemed to score the story perfectly.

_"Ave Maria!  
Now your ageless bell  
so sweetly sounds for listening ears,  
from heights of Heaven to brink of Hell  
in tender notes have echoed through the years..._"

"So... A son of God dying like a human... For us?"

"Mmhm... For He so loved the world He gave us his only Son,' that's what it said, right Dad?"

"Yes Ayame," Teuchi said.

"Why haven't I heard this before?" Naruto asked.

_"Aloft from earth's far boundaries  
Each poor petition, every prayer,  
the hopes of foolish ones and wise  
must mount in thanks or grim despair.  
Ave Maria!"_

"Well, it isn't very popular, given everything with ninja," Teuchi admitted. "The Sage's Path grants great power, the ability to heal, to destroy... Things that God grants but uh... Not as easily." He smiled at Naruto. "But... It works for me."

"Hmmm..." Naruto smiled. "Well... Is there any reason I can't be a ninja... And a Christian?" He kind of liked this thing.

Ayame giggled and hugged him. "Well... If anyone can figure out how to do both... It'd be you, huh?"

"You're right...! I'm gonna be Hokage someday!" He said with a grin. With that, they turned to the podium, Naruto trying to follow along with the song.

_"Ave Maria! Heaven's Bride.  
The bells ring out in solemn praise,  
for you, the anguish and the pride.  
The living glory of our nights,  
of our nights and days..."_

He didn't get most of the words right, and his singing voice wasn't the best thing around. But nobody around seemed to care. He had never seen any of these people before, but they seemed so... Connected. So different...

_"The Prince of Peace your arms embrace,  
while hosts of darkness fade and cower.  
Oh save us, mother full of grace,  
In life and in our dying hour,  
Ave Maria...!"_

And that community, well... He found it was all he really wanted.

Well, some ramen would help, but Ayame and the Old Man supplied that. One ramen for free, to use when he really needed it, no questions asked.

But he was so reluctant to part with the ticket, his first gift, he stuck it into a box under his bed, and kept it. He didn't want to part with Christmas just like that.

* * *

Yeah, I know, flamebait. My muse was insistent. Still, I've always wanted to write a story involving a Christian Naruto having to reconcile his faith with his mission and his duty as a ninja. Especially as in this time, Christianity is a minority religion in light of the Sage of the Six Paths and the Ninja Way, which is understandable-Chakra gives you all sorts of amazing abilities that Christianity doesn't provide except in certain circumstances, like if you're inflicting plagues on Egypt and stuff. This isn't a rip on it, mind you, just a different POV.

But, as usual, if you liked it, tell me. If you didn't, tell me that too.

Merry Christmas either way!


	38. Why So Serious?

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

This is another older idea that wasn't originally mine, but I added on and developed further. During the time skip Sakura is captured by missing nin and tortured horribly. Nobody comes to her rescue, nobody saves her-She breaks, and Inner Sakura takes over. This transformation leaves Sakura with all her old beliefs that Naruto would always save her or that there was good in the world, gone. She sees it all as one big, colossal joke.

So, bearing scars on her face that give her a nice, big smile, she seeks to let everyone else in the world in on The Joke of life.

* * *

He had no particular desire to go off on one of Orochimaru's missions, but if he was going to get that next jutsu, that's what he would do. And the next, and the next...

A troublemaker had emerged in Rice Country, torching villages that supplied Sound with the needed materials to continue, seemingly moving along with the location of the hidden village itself whenever it moved. Orochimaru discerned a pattern, and was confident Sasuke could handle it.

Which is what brought him to this grain silo, thanks to a few local tips that this was where he could meet someone who knew about the troublemaker.

He frowned as he scanned the interior with his Sharingan. Everything seemed normal... One single chakra signature within, civilian level...

Everything was dark. He snorted. _Coward_...

He pushed open the doors and walked in. The door closed behind him, and a light came on over his head.

"So glad you could, ahem, make it," the chakra signature spoke. The voice was female, though shrouded in darkness Sasuke wasn't able to make out much else beyond her general figure.

"You said you had information?" Sasuke asked flatly. The woman nodded enthusiastically, then looked carefully back and forth.

"Yes... Information. Information, the life's blood of the world. Armies don't move, couples don't marry, kids don't move without it!"

Sasuke maintained his aloof appearance. He'd dealt with lunatics before-Relied on them. Making sure they knew who was in charge kept them reliable.

"Don't waste my time."

The woman giggled. "Oh, believe me, that's the _last_ thing I want to waste..." She tossed him a small box, and Sasuke caught it.

"What's this?"

"All you need in order to find the troublemaker for Orochimaru," the woman giggled. Sasuke frowned, and scanned the box. No obvious traps he could see.

If he couldn't see it, there was nothing to fear. He pulled open the box.

_BANG!_ Something within it went off, blasting gas into the surprised Sasuke's face. Coughing as it clouded his mind and made his body numb, he slumped to the floor, eyes wide in shock.

_What...?_

He passed out.

Some time later, he became aware that he was looking at darkness, under yet another light. He tried to blink but his eyelids wouldn't cooperate. His arms and legs were bound, and in horror realized that _that_ was all he could do. He was paralyzed.

"What... What is this?" He snarled defiantly. The woman's giggles reached his ears, and he sensed her walking around from behind.

"Well... You _found_ me, Sasuke-kun~!" The woman entered the pool of light cast by the lamp above, Sasuke's eyes widening minutely. All his practice in maintaining total emotional detachment seemed to fly out the window the moment she came into view.

"... Sakura?" He asked incredulously. The woman giggled again, licking her bright red lips. The white face paint she wore and the red lipstick she'd drawn all over her face into the form of a big smile reminded him of a geisha. She wore a long white coat over bright red and black clothing. She walked up to him, absent mindedly twirling her knife. Sasuke looked around.

"Where's the idiot?" He demanded. Sakura giggled again.

"Hahahaha..."

"I'm not going back to Konoha! I have my revenge! Didn't you get this the _last_ time, Naruto?! NARUTO?!"

"I'm sorry, Naruto isn't here right now," Sakura said. "No, he's nowhere _near_ here, to be honest."

Sakura walked forward and leaned down, bringing her face close to his. In disgust, Sasuke saw that the red lines going up her cheeks outlined grotesque, knit lacerations in her skin going from either corner of her mouth.

"You...?"

"Oh, do you like them?" Sakura asked, moving her head back and forth, showing off. "I've always felt that everyone should have a nice, _big_ smile." She slid her knife to Sasuke's cheeks, lightly tracing it's tip against his skin. Sasuke shivered, all of his ninja classes on body language screaming that something was very, _very_ wrong here.

"Sakura... What are you doing?" Sasuke managed. Sakura giggled.

"Oh, that's good, that's _good_," she purred. "You always did try to hide your fear didn't you? Keep it under wraps, as it were... But I know better. _We_ know better, don't we, hm?"

Sasuke glared defiantly back, activating his Sharingan. She was looking him right in the eyes, he could easily...

Easily...

Sakura cackled, throwing her head back and shaking her dirty pink hair.

"Oh, that _is_ funny! You waited until I was looking you right in the eyes, trying to put a genjutsu over me... Won't work, uh uh."

"Why not?" Sasuke growled. Sakura grinned and spun around.

"Because I'm _special_ that's why! Just like your eyes! So very, _very_ special, mmhm." She leaned her face back close to his.

"Which is why I'm here. You see... I've come for your eyes." She turned, snapping her fingers. More lights flared into existence to Sasuke's right, and he turned, staring in growing horror at what Sakura had revealed.

There were three dead Sound ninja strung up before him. The first had hair dyed blonde and messy, bloody whisker marks carved into his cheeks, wearing an orange jumpsuit. The second, a girl whom he'd seen observing him in an all-too-familiar way, was dressed in Sakura's old dress with her hair dyed pink. The last, a short-haired boy who wore tops that exposed his belly, was now dressed in his old blue Uchiha shirt and white pants.

All three had their eyes gouged out, sitting on a dirty wooden table in front of them. Sakura giggled, coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around him in a hug, reminding him of how Ino used to glomp him from behind.

He shivered in fear.

"But you see, first I needed some practice! And what _better_ practice than on your friends? Hello all!" She exclaimed cheerfully, waving her hand at the corpses. She slunk around, sitting in Sasuke's lap and tapping her knife around his eyes. Sasuke gulped, sweating hard.

"_There_ it is," she purred. "That wonderful _fear_. I've seen it a few times before..." She leaned down and kissed his cheek. "And you know what? It's just as pathetic looking as I remember, mmhm."

"Sakura... Please... Let me go," Sasuke managed quietly. Sakura stared at him, before throwing back her head and laughing.

"HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Oh, were _you_ overrated," she got out in between guffaws. She lowered her head and smirked at him.

"You were always so _blind_, even with such wonderful eyes! Blind to affection, blind to friendship, blind to love..." She grinned widely.

"But I know... Oh, I _see_ now," she whispered. "It's all just one giant illusion. The mighty Uchiha clan... You see, that's why I've come for your eyes."

Sasuke took a deep breath. "Why?"

"Because, Sasuke-kun~, you don't _need_ them _anymore_," she hissed. She grinned and leaned in, placing her lips next to his ear.

"Because I _killed_ Itachi... All by _myself_," she hissed. Sasuke gritted his teeth and glared in rage at her.

"You _couldn't-!_"

"Of _course_ I could, Sasuke-kun~! I did it! It was _so_ easy, too," she taunted. "Blew him to teeny, tiny Uchiha pieces, mmhm. So really... Your eyes are no longer needed."

"No! NOOOOOOOOO!" Sasuke screamed, as Sakura's laughter grew in volume, until it was the only thing he could hear...

* * *

"HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA!"

The house was burning around them, and even with everyone escaped, everyone safe, even with just the two of them there and her plans ruined... She stilled laughed.

Naruto, eyes red with the Kyuubi's power, snarled and grabbed Sakura by her coat, slamming her into the nearest, non-burning wall. She just looked at him and kept _laughing_, that horrible sound.

"Stop it Sakura. SAKURA! STOP IT!" He roared in her face. She just giggled and looked him in the eyes, smiling almost sweetly with the scars cut into her cheeks.

"But I can't! I CAN'T STOP IT! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA!" She grinned insanely.

"Don't you see, Naruto-kun~? This fire was ready to burn _long_ before I got here! I'm just the match! The spark!" She cackled.

"Oh, the delicious _fear_! All I did was blow up a few buildings, a few hospitals, kill a few people and _look at what I've done!_" She grinned mockingly at him.

"That demon inside you knows the truth. It _smells_ the fear, thick in the air like _smoke_. Ahhhh, can't you smell it?"

"Sakura, stop! You're sick! This isn't you!" Naruto tried again, anger gripping him. What had done this to her? _Why?_ He couldn't understand it.

This was no enemy he could crush, no bad guy he could beat up. It was a disease inside of the person he loved and he could do _nothing_ for her.

_No,_ he thought angrily. _NO! There's always something I can do! I WON'T GIVE UP!_

Strangely, as though reading his mind, Sakura gave him a compassionate, almost serene smile.

"There's nothing you _can_ do, Naruto," she said plainly. "This is me... How I am, how I was meant to be. The entire world is a joke, one big _laugh_. There's no such thing as heroes..."

"Yes there is! There are heroes!" Naruto cried out desperately. Sakura giggling, the flames growing more intense.

"Heroes?! Like Hokages?! They kill people to preserve their precious village, they make women abuse and dirty their bodies, they do ALL off this to keep things together, maintain order. They praise worthless traitors like Sasuke and grind loyal, wonderful people like you into the dirt. You had to struggle for every piece of respect you have, and he was just _handed it_" Sakura laughed harder.

"Ohhh, and me... Me. Me. Me. Worthless, weak, _pink-haired_ me. What was I? Just the same." She looked directly into Naruto's eyes, and he struggled to look back into the horrific deadness within them.

"Just the same as _you_..." She leaned down and breathed against his ear.

"The only difference is... I've _gotten the joke_," she whispered. Naruto shuddered as she wrapped her long legs around him, and continued speaking in a seductive tone, even as their surroundings continued to burn.

"Come on, Naruto... Give it up. As Hokage you'll just have to do bad things to preserve a world that wouldn't _exist_ without those things. Without you compromising your morals, the hero dragged down into the dirt, destroyed. Even if you try to do the right thing they'll hate you, mock you, call you an idiot or a warmonger..." Sakura lightly nibbled his ear and sucked in a deep breath.

"At least I'm _honest_ in my intentions," she whispered. Naruto pulled away, and looked her right in the eyes.

"You're sick, you're hurt, you hate the world and _everything_ in it, including _yourself_," Naruto stated in a quiet but strong voice. "You want to make everything burn because it _abandoned_ you. You have the power now-You have _everything_"

Sakura stared at him. Naruto took a deep breath, even in the choking smoke, and growled.

"In the end though, you'll have _nothing_ but yourself and ashes... And what then?"

Sakura just cackled.

"Why Naruto-kun... It won't get that far..."

"Why not?" Naruto asked angrily. She smirked.

"Because, you'll _always_ be there to stop me," she purred, rubbing herself up against him. "Unstoppable force... Immovable object." She grinned in his face.

"You can't be turned... And really, what kind of _fun_ would I have if you were? No one else could stop me... Sasuke was too weak. He didn't _understand_, you see? He didn't get the Joke. Oh, but _you do_, Naruto-kun, _you do_." She grinned.

"There will always be the darkness and the light, the yin and the yang... Sakura, and Naruto. You'll always stop me... I'll never stop..." Her grin widened even as Naruto threw her over his shoulder and leaped out of the way of a collapsing pillar.

"And _what fun_ we'll have! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAA-URK!"

Naruto lowered his fist, Sakura slumped unconscious over his shoulder. He sighed, the Kyuubi's power fading. He looked in the direction of the Hokage Monument, considered...

"No," Naruto said at last. "I'll break this cycle... I'll save you, Sakura... I promise. And I don't ever, _ever_ go back on my word."

With that, he set out for the village, eyes firmly on the future.

* * *

_Ah, Joker!Sakura is always so much fun to write…_


	39. That Most Heinous of Crimes Part 3

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

* * *

I had only ever had one hangover before in my life, and it was a fairly mild one. Considering the stuff my brain gets up to on benign substances like Crystal Light or more oxygen than usual, and the medications I've been on for depression, I am not particularly eager to turn my brain into a children's chemistry playset.

My Other had no such maladies, but also drank sparingly. A family history of destructive alcoholism had only stopped with our father, and we had no intention of starting it back up again.

So, suffice it to say, I was expecting to wake up in head-splitting agony.

I did, but it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. The very warm, soft person against me in my bed certainly helped.

Wait, what?

"Hnnngh..."

I opened my eyes. The sight of a very asleep, very naked Anko greeted me. Her cheek rested against my chest, and she was drooling onto my skin.

I stared in total and complete shock for about a minute. Inside, my mind waged war as it sought out an appropriate response.

_YES! YES! YES! YES! AWESOME! WOO HOO! I AM THE MAN! I AM THE MAAAAN!  
_  
My libido's response was... Not helpful.

_Marry her right now you pervert!_

My inner, extremely order-oriented prude wasn't much help either.

_Don't you dare move! She might kill and eat you!_

And my inner spider instincts were also not very helpful.

Biology called, ending the debate. As slowly and carefully as I could, I tried to slide out of Anko's embrace. She tightened her grip immediately, humming softly in her sleep.

_D'oh..._

I tried to move again, but she clung on even more tightly. I have to admit, it was seeming less attractive to leave. Especially as some memories came to light.

And no, I'm not going into detail about that.

I formed handseals.

"_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_," I muttered. A perfect (and naked) clone of myself appeared next to the bed. I formed another set, and as quickly as I could, replaced myself with my clone. Anko sighed softly and wrapped her legs around my copy, who did not look in the least bit unhappy.

My jealousy died in the fires of logic-After all, how could I be jealous of myself?

I stumbled over to the bathroom, a bit too late realizing how sore I felt all over. As I looked in the mirror, I noted that a ridiculously silly grin was on my face. I couldn't really argue with the emotions.

It was just so disconnected, so... Unreal. I was still processing everything. I decided to try and relax a little with a shower, and not disrupt this feeling of euphoria with excess thinking.

The world, however, had other plans.

"Yo."

"GAH!" I spun around, pulling a kunai from the shower head. I growled angrily when I saw that it was Kakashi, sitting in the window with a cheerful smile.

"Nice night?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes.

"It was, actually."

"Good, good..."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, the Hokage told me to personally bring you a message, but I got a bit sidetracked... And you were, of course, busy..."

I managed to keep from blushing at that.

"So! The message is here now." He handed the scroll over.

"What is it?"

"Do you believe I would violate your privacy?"

I looked intently at him. He shrugged.

"Your sensei tried to escape last night... He was asking for you."

It was as if the entire universe turned freezing cold. My jaw was set, my expression stony.

"I see..." I sighed. "I'll take care of it after I see to my team."

"Your prerogative, Tsume-sensei," Kakashi said. He nodded lightly. "I'll be in touch." He leapt out the window, leaving me to watch him go with a sigh.

Well... Could have been worse. He could have come in last night. Thank God there was a kind of Guy Code around here.

* * *

As I made my way to Naruto's apartment, I fought the feeling of imminent doom. I doubted that my team (and boy, was that going to take some getting used to) had killed eachother. Even they weren't that stupid, and Kokubogumo would keep them from causing significant harm to eachother.

I expected them to still be squabbling, or just miserable in general... The smell of cooking breakfast and the sounds of some bantering, however, made me reconsider my earlier assessment.

"Stop pushing Naruto!"

"Well stop pulling! I can't cook like this!"

"Sakura, damnit, I need my hand..."

Kokubogumo was sticking to the ceiling above, casually knitting a sweater. I had been forced to make my own clothing during the year on the Spider Plane, and the old spider had taken to it as a hobby. She looked down at me with the spider equivalent of a smirk.

"The young do not always do as you might expect," she commented. I smirked back and nodded.

"You didn't have to bite any of them, did you?"

"Only once," she admitted. "After that, they quieted down."

I nodded again, before peeking into the kitchen.

Team 7 was crowded around the stove, still bound by their wrists. However, Sasuke was cooking up tomatoes and what looked like some fish, while Sakura worked on chopping some fruit. And on the other side, Naruto was tending to rice.

"Naruto, can you pass me the salt?"

"Salt? What do you need salt for Sakura-chan?"

"It keeps the fruit from going brown... Thanks..."

"Are you done yet bastard?"

"Almost, dead last. And stop asking me every five minutes!"

"Yeah yeah... You know, for 'rookie of the year', you sure cook slowly..."

"I could always use a Katon jutsu-"

"If you do I'll break your arm, swear to God!"

"Would you two stop arguing? I'm almost done...!"

I climbed up onto the ceiling, and watched silently as my pupils put together their breakfast, and with some considerable coordination, got it over to the table. I was smirking at the start, but now I was smiling.

"Itakamasu...!" Naruto cried before eagerly digging in. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"You helped make it, you know... You don't have to thank everyone..."

Sasuke smirked a little.

"At least he's taking the time to bother... Show a little gratitude..."

"Bite me bastard... The meal's mostly thanks to me!" Naruto snarked back.

"Oh yeah?"

"It's my kitchen..."

"Which you didn't even know how to use without us."

"Go to hell, Bastard!"

"Already there, Deadlast."

Sakura, having lost her patience, picked up a wooden spoon and whacked both boys over the head.

"OW!"

"Gah!"

Sakura shook her head with a sigh. "Can you please just eat? Sensei's going to be making us go through more training, and I want to have all the energy I need!"

"What happened to 'being thin for Sasuke-kun'?" Naruto smirked back. "OW!"

"I'll have you know, Sasuke-kun admitted he likes girls with curves," Sakura huffed with a blush. Sasuke bowed his head and grumbled.

"I did no such thing..."

"Yes you did!"

"HA! Call me a pervert, will you?"

I dropped down and cleared my throat. All my students started and looked back at me. Surprise turned to deathglares. I smiled brightly back.

"Good morning Team 7... Gotta say, I'm really impressed..."

"You're late!" Sakura bellowed.

"YEAH!" Naruto growled.

"No, I'm right on time," I said. I made a few handseals, and spat three quick shots of a natural solvent. The silk bonds dissolved.

"Huh?" Naruto asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've passed my test," I replied cheerfully. The three expressions of shock on their faces was great to see, even though Sasuke recovered first.

"But... Wait... What was the test?" Naruto asked.

"You didn't kill each other, and you're working well together to make breakfast and make the best out of a bad situation," I said cheerfully. "It's not just blowing stuff up together, it's living together that makes the best ninja."

My pride was in no way feigned. I had thought that the brats would, at best, still be alive... But I could pick up on a real bond between them all, forged in suffering. And really, aren't those the best kinds?

"So, we start missions tomorrow... Unless you'd like to start one now?" I asked.

The trio looked at eachother, and looked back at me.

"No way," Sasuke said flatly. "I need a shower."

"Me too! I mean... Where the hell were you?" Sakura demanded.

"It's been two days!" Naruto snarled.

I stared in disbelief. My internal clock was usually pretty on-spot... On the other hand, I hadn't spent two days screwing Anko Mitarashi before, had I?

Kokubogumo laughed behind me, and I coughed in embarassment.

"... Secret ninja mission... Anyway... One day of rest, and then, missions. That work for everyone?"

Unanimous nods. I turned to go.

"By the way, Sensei," Naruto called. "We're gonna get you back for this."

I smirked a little. "I know..."

Well... It was better than having to go see my old sensei.

Speaking of which...

* * *

Interestingly enough, Konoha's ninja prison was pretty much as it was portrayed in the filler episodes of the anime-Placed on a large rock outcropping over an active volcano. The rock bridge was rigged up with explosive seals, which, if detonated, would send the whole thing into the volcano below, along with it's (presumably) rioting and out of control inmates. You can't say they hadn't prepared for a worst case scenario.

The prison itself looked pretty much like you'd expect a prison to look like-boxy, drab, and ominous. The air was thin, and it was only due to some kind of intricate sealwork on the outside and inside that you could breath easy.

Into this dark pit of despair and horror I went... However, I didn't go alone.

"Sensei, um... May I ask why we were brought along?" Sakura asked. I shrugged a little as we walked through the corridors of the prison, led by one of the guards. Naruto and Sasuke too looked curious.

"It's just a quick stop, then missions," I said.

"Who are we visiting, anyway?" Naruto asked.

The guard opened a steel barred gate ahead of us, and we entered the visitor's area. Tables were set up all over, and other inmates watched from behind bars some distance away. I made out a shock of silver hair, and my memories and those of my Other came into alignment.

"It'll be a bit, have to clear a path," our guard said. "Wait here." He walked to a door on the far side of the room, ignoring the inmates out and talking to loved ones, solicitors, children...

Naruto's eyes narrowed as he too caught sight of the inmate I had, who was now staring intently at us. I walked up to him, hands in my pockets, my students following. Sakura stared in some disbelief, while Sasuke looked indifferent.

"Hey... Tsume-sempai," Mizuki said with a smirk.

"Mizuki," I returned politely.

"Mizuki," Naruto growled. Mizuki sneered at my blonde student.

"You should be in here, you know..."

"Funny, which one of us is the traitor?" Naruto shot back. I rested a hand on Naruto's shoulder, and gave him a look. The blonde scowled, but kept his mouth shut.

"You know, he is a demon... The Kyuubi himself... He'll kill you in your sleep and dance the night away in your blood!" Mizuki grinned. "Haven't you told them, Tsume-sempai? Or do you think it can learn to pretend better?"

Naruto clenched his fists, and looked to the side. Sasuke and Sakura looked confused. I decided to nip this in the bud, quickly.

"Naruto is my student," I returned quietly. "He's a ninja of Konoha. And that's all that matters..." I looked intently at the smirking man. "Tsubaki hasn't spoken to me in a while... She was supposed to visit you. Did she?"

"I didn't come! I didn't see her!" Mizuki laughed. "I don't need her, I don't need anything!"

"All right, that's enough out of you," a guard stated flatly. "Your time is up, Mizuki!"

The silver-haired chuunin shook his head, still smirking.

"Well... Goodbye, Mizuki," I said.

"Go to hell, sempai, and take your demon with you," Mizuki shot back, as he was led away.

Sakura's gaze went back and forth between myself and Naruto. I held up a hand to forestall her questions.

"It's something Naruto will tell you... When he's ready, not before," I said. Naruto looked up at me, confusion giving way to a small, thankful smile.

"Mizuki-sensei seemed so different... What happened to him?" Sakura asked.

"That's... Also a long story," I said. Sasuke grunted, and the guard arrived.

"Okay... We're ready." He looked at Team 7 carefully.

"Sure you want them coming with you?"

No. "Yeah."

"All right then," the guard replied, uncertainty heavy in his voice. "Come on..."

We headed through the side-door, and went through a long series of twisting, turning corridors. They were dark, the air pressure and heat making them stifling and a sweat broke out on our brows. Each degree of decline made it seem we were descending further and further into the pits of Hell.

Through barred doors and steel plated vaults we made our way, until we reached the bottom level. Insane cackling coudl be heard through the walls from one sealed cell-Intense killing intent was felt from another.

We stopped at a cell with heavily reinforced steel bars, over which was a metal mesh charged with chakra energy. I stood in silence, closest to the cell. I couldn't blame my students or the guard-I wanted to stand as far away as possible.

The dark cell was poorly lit, but it was enough to see the webbing that covered it from ceiling to floor, a mess of cobwebs that seemed a visual metaphor for the occupant's own mind. In the center of the mess sat a dark shape, not man, not spider... But a horrific mixture of both.

"Hello... Andoryuu," the monster greeted, mandibles clicking audibly in the dark interior. "Hmmm... Such young, young visitors I have today..."

I inclined my head only slightly.

"Sensei..."

Minamoto Sanbu... Or what was left of him. My Other felt horror, betrayal, revulsion, and an intense fear of this... Thing. A man who had survived a whole year in a world filled with giant, sentient spiders, and this creature was the thing he was the most afraid of.

Here, my memories were of more help than they had been previously. We may have been the same in many ways, but there was still a difference, a separation in identity. My world was filled with monsters, just as his was-Mine were simply less literal, clothed in flesh. They didn't have the decency to show what they really were.

More than that though... I had met people like this man. Seen them broken and destroyed and twisted into something horrible. I couldn't help the pity in my heart, and it was that emotion that kept Andoryu focused.

"Been a while," the Sanbu monster commented softly. The shadows of the cell were intersected by sharper shadows. I felt Sakura shake a little, and I took a step closer to the bars.

"Yes..."

The Sanbu monster stepped forward as well, and half of his face was illuminated in the dull light. His skin was hairy and scaled, and his cheek existed only as a few remaining strands of flesh. His lower jaw protruded grotesquely, a cruel, curved fang flexing slightly. His eye was probably the worst part though-Two small, black eyes dotted the eye's east and south cardinal points, his original... Absolutely untouched. There was recognition in that eye, and my Other's memories recounted so many, many times when that brown eye was winking in a playful joke, crinkled in laughter, wide in surprise, soft in affection and pride...

Naruto turned away, and Sakura gasped. Again, I couldn't blame them. My stoicism was only the result of long years of training.

"Don't be afraid, child," the creature hissed, some strange mouthparts behind his transformed jaw facilitating human speech. "It's perfectly safe in here... I'm behind these bars... I will not hurt you..."

His human eye darted about quickly, and the shadows trembled. He regained himself after his fit, and locked his gaze upon me.

"You are a sensei yourself... You should be proud."

"... I am," I said softly.

"I wonder though... Will you do for them... What I did for you?" The Sanbu monster inquired. His eye zipped back and forth, studying my students in close detail. Sasuke flinched. Sakura kept her eyes averted, her fists and teeth clenched. And Naruto... Naruto stared in silent horror, unable to look away.

"... I'll make them strong ninja, Sensei," I said carefully. "It's my duty."

"Tell me though, Andoryuu... Will you love them?" The Sanbu Monster asked. "Will you... Cherish them?" He tilted his head, more of his misshaped jaw visible in the dim light. "As I did you?"

"I'll keep them safe, Sensei," I said, my words even and monotone. "I'll teach them well."

"Ah, but that... That... That is the question, isn't it, Andoryuu?"

The monster turned, giving us only a flash of his full form. For that I was thankful-Sakura probably couldn't handle it. Not that I could blame her-If I was her age, I don't think I could.

"All the preparation in the world... None of it can keep us safe. Keep our loved ones safe..."

I blurted out the first words to come to mind.

"It wasn't your fault."

Silence. My Other's memories immediately told me that was a mistake.

"Oh... Ohhh... That is what they tell me. Day in and day out, they told me, told me, told me!" The Sanbu monster hissed, the shadows tense around him. "Over and over, hoping to replace the Truth..." He turned his head completely around, and Sakura, who had dared to look again, grabbed onto the arm of the nearest male and tried to hide her face in his chest.

"But we both know the Truth, Andoryuu, we both do..." The monster moved back, his locomotion a strange mix of a spider's scuttle and a man's walk. "After all, it is why you survived..."

I was silent for a moment. The Sanbu monster's mouthparts clicked.

"Yes yes... I am right... I am right! Hahaha... They tell me I am wrong, but you... All three, you stand and live and breath, and they don't. So really, why am I in here? Why am I in here for being right, my student?"

"You wanted us to be strong, Sensei... And we are," I said quietly. "Strength, however... It comes with a price. It always does." I managed to fix my gaze into his. "This... This came with too high of a price."

"So you do not see the Truth either... Pity... You were my favorite student."

"We were all your favorites, Sensei," I said softly. "You said so yourself."

"Hahahaha! So I did, so I did! I told you... I told you... But it does not change things... I was right." He moved then, slammed right up against the bars. Sakura screamed, and the guard moved forward with a cattleprod.

I took in the tangled mess of my sensei in an instant, before the electricity ran through the metal and the prisoner was forced back with a cry.

He shuddered, the various legs protruding from so many places on his body, the carapace only partially formed out of his ribs and other bones either fully out of his skin, or straining against it-It was all visible, a twisted mockery of nature. I could probably expect a lot of nightmares. After all... It wasn't the first time I'd seen him like this, and those nightmares still came.

He looked back at me, the pain forgotten.

"I was right... But clearly, that is a subject for another day," he hissed. "You didn't come here for that... Nonono."

"Why did you try to escape?" I asked.

My sensei giggled. "Escape? Me? Why? Why escape, I ask you? What need have I?" He crawled up the wall, settling upon the ceiling and curling into a ball.

"I have no need... I am secure." He bent his head and looked at me again. "It was so nice to see you again, my student... Bring Ayumi and Jiro next time, won't you?" He bowed his head, and the horrible mess of my sensei cloaked itself in darkness, only his spider eyes still open, still watching.

I slowly nodded, and turned to my students. Sakura was a trembling wreck, Naruto looked ready to be sick, and Sasuke, well, looked like he might have his first bowel movement in years.

"We're leaving," I said. Their relief was palpable, but they still watched their backs as they left the cell. I lingered a moment longer, staring into those pitiless black eyes, before I turned to follow.

I hadn't learned anything... Anything useful, anyway... So why had he sent for me? It wasn't an anniversary... Any kind. It wasn't a birthday...

So why? I didn't know. The trip out of the prison was in silence, and nobody broke it until we got past the guards on the bridge.

"Sensei... What the fuck was that?!" Naruto exclaimed. I sighed, and closed my eyes tightly.

"... It's... Another long story," I said. I snorted ruefully. "It's another little thing about what we do."

"... I think we deserve to hear it," Sasuke said flatly.

"I... I'd be fine not knowing..." Sakura offered. She gulped at Sasuke's look, and quickly recanted. "B-But if Sasuke-kun wants to know..."

I nodded. "All right then... I'll tell you... Later. I don't think any of us can handle it right now."

"B-But Sensei, back there, you... You didn't even flinch!" Sakura insisted.

"Yeah! You just stood there, cool as ice! How'd you do it? Was it some kind of jutsu?" Naruto asked. I sighed, and raised up a hand to them. They stared at it, until realization flashed in their eyes when they saw it shaking.

I smiled wryly. "No... But it's a useful thing to practice..."


	40. Lalalalalala

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

An alternate take on the Uchiha massacre, based on the pre-Time Skip Itachi as a complex, superpowered shinobi demi-god.

* * *

Itachi could not help the derisive look on his face as he continued to move easily through his attacking kinsmen. Weak, pathetic, that's what they all were. None could stand against him. None could defeat him. They were all nothing but dust, the remnants of a once proud clan reduced to nothing.

He stalked up to his home, sword at the ready. He wanted this to be the last. His sisters would never have to suffer being bred like cattle. His brother would become the instrument of the clan's final destruction.

Yes, yes, all would end, all would end with-

"Ohhhh..."

Itachi blinked. What was that sound? He hadn't been here, he knew this... He was right outside the living room door.

"Mmmmm!"

What was _that_? That sounded like-?

As though on autopilot, he opened the door. His eyes widened.

"YES! YES! YESSSSSS!"

"..."

He locked eyes with his father, who was on his back with his _very_ naked mother on top of him. Fugaku's eyes widened as well even as Mikoto rode him like a dimestore pony.

"..."

Itachi lifted his hands, eyes still wide in horror. He shoved his fingers into his ears. He turned and _ran_ as fast as he could, but the sounds of his mother's cries continued to be heard!

"LALALALALALA! LALALALALALALA!" He sang slash screamed hysterically as he ran.

Sasuke, running home in terror at the massacre he'd come across, found Itachi running screaming. The younger brother gasped.

"Nii-san! Nii-san! What's wrong? What is it?!" Sasuke cried as his big brother ran past him. Itachi skidded to a halt. He slowly turned around, haunted eyes wide.

"You want to know... What's wrong?" He asked flatly. Sasuke gulped, but bravely nodded.

_"Tsukiyomi!"_

Afterwards, Sasuke's parents and the ANBU would find Sasuke in a fetal position on the ground, shivering and singing "Lalalalalala" as well.

* * *

R&R, please.


	41. Star Trek Naruto 4

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Here's some more of the Star Trek 2009/Naruto fusion idea, which MandalorianJedi wrote a significant part of. Enjoy!_

_

* * *

_

The shuttle came to a landing in the _Konoha's_ large shuttlebay, and Naruto's headache was just getting worse.

"Urgh..." He felt Sakura take his right arm, and another pair of arms took his left. His looked over to his left, and his eyes widened as a second woman appeared, superimposed over the one helping to support him.

"H-Hinata...?"

The blue-haired woman blushed a bit. "Don't w-worry Naruto..."

"Geez you're heavy," Sakura complained as they maneuvered the woozy blonde out of their row into the aisle. The rest of the cadets and trainees filed out with them, hitting the deck and quickly heading to their assignments. The entire cavernous bay was alive with activity, such that no one paid the trio any mind.

Throughout it all, Naruto kept staring between the two women. The awe of the _Konoha_ herself was still there, but competing with it was the feeling that something wasn't quite right.

_Hinata Hyuuga... Navigator, _USS Konoha_... No, wait. Heiress to the Hyuuga Clan... She loves me..._

Hinata blushed harder, especially when as they moved into a corridor and they pressed closer together. "Ah... Something wrong?"

"Ugh... I'm..."

"Oh shit," Sakura muttered, and quickly grabbed Naruto by his lapels and shoved him into a nearby open hatch.

"AH!"

Naruto managed to catch himself, but a familiar chakra signature pushed him to hide. He peeked out from around a stack of boxes, and his eyes widened at the man Sakura and Hinata were standing at attention for.

"Lieutenant Uchiha, sir!"

_Sasuke..._ That bastard was looking over Hinata and Sakura with a restrained expression. It was uncomfortably like the uncaring look on his face that he'd worn when he'd first seen him again after those three years...

_Wait, what am I thinking? That prick's been on my ass since I entered the Academy. Smug self-righteous..._

"Cadet Haruno, you should be in Sickbay. Cadet Hyuuga, you're late to the bridge," Sasuke stated in a measured tone. Naruto could tell though that he was annoyed-No matter how aloof he seemed, he could always sense Sasuke's emotional state. It was downright annoying to know someone like _that_ so well. He was nothing like his older, fun loving brother.

"Sorry sir, I-I'll be right there!" Not betraying anything, Hinata rushed off, leaving Sakura to stare down Sasuke.

"Well, _Doctor_?" Sasuke asked, slightly emphasizing her title. Sakura, bless her heart, stayed right where she was.

"I'm afraid I need to check on some medical supplies in the storage bay," Sakura said.

"Then why are you not doing so?" Sasuke asked.

"Ah... Well..." Sakura looked down and to the side. "Sir, it's a bit... Personal."

"Then it should not have any bearing on your duties," Sasuke said.

"No sir!" Sakura continued. "But I would like to point out that you can be a bit... Intimidating."

"Intimidating?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, yes sir," Sakura managed. "You do have a habit of... Looking through someone's soul..."

Naruto finally got the picture-Sakura was trying to buy him time to get out of here. But how? He looked about, but his clouded vision made it difficult to get a real good look at his surroundings.

"Your... Melodramatic choice of words not withstanding, you should get to work," Sasuke said. He stepped into the cargo bay, and Sakura immediately rushed in front of him.

"Ah, wait! Why the rush?" Sakura asked.

"In case you hadn't noticed, Doctor, we are making preparations to launch," Sasuke returned. Oh yes, he was definitely annoyed now. And getting closer to Naruto's hiding spot.

_Shit shit shit... How do I get out of this...?_

"Well, um... Things seem progressing nicely, so I uh, I thought we could... Talk. Get to know eachother," Sakura said, her voice dropping in pitch slightly. Naruto's eyes bugged out. Was Sakura actually trying to _seduce_ Sasuke?!

Oh yes, her body language had changed too. She was standing closer to Sasuke, looking up imploringly through those glasses she wore to look older, a slight smile on her lips. Naruto had to admit, it was rather sexy...

_"Naruto, please... Bring back Sasuke... I-I love him..."_

Naruto closed his eyes and resisted the urge to shake his head. When did _that_ happen?! Sure, he suspected Sakura might be a little sweet on Itachi (though what girl at the Academy wasn't?) but _Sasuke?!_

"Exactly what are you implying, Doctor?" Sasuke asked, once more breaking into his thoughts. Sakura smiled, almost managing sultry but settling for pouty.

"Oh, just that I have entertained... Certain thoughts about you, and would like to share them with you. Feeling I have for you, developing ever since we first met-Hey!"

Sasuke brushed past her, now on a beeline for his hiding spot. Naruto mentally gulped.

_Shit shit shit shit what do I do what do I do-?!_

"Just a second, I'm pouring my heart out here!"

"I have no interest in, to use an even poorer metaphor, 'drink of your heart'," Sasuke said. Sakura gaped in surprise and anger, and once more rushed in front of him.

"Now wait just one damn minute! You're just going to brush me off like that?"

"I have no stake in your emotional outcry, Doctor," Sasuke returned. "This is our first mission and I expect you to operate with expected professionalism."

"And just asking for a few minutes of your time to perhaps admit my feelings to you is out of line?" Sakura asked flatly.

"... Very well, Doctor. Your feelings?" Sasuke asked expectantly.

"I... I'm very attracted to you and would like to engage in a romantic relationship," Sakura managed.

"Indeed?"

"Yes!"

"I would not."

Sakura actually looked crushed. "You... Would not?"

"No."

"... May I ask why?" Sakura pressed, even as Sasuke moved closer to Naruto. The blonde couldn't move, this close he'd be spotted in an instant. What could he do? He didn't have a holofield, he didn't have a...

_"HENGE!" With a poof of smoke, Naruto transformed into a giant shuriken..._

Naruto found his hands moving together into a symbol, and he closed his eyes. His chakra focused, sharpened.

_Henge..._ With a silent poof, Naruto vanished into the form of a cargo container.

"Because I have no such interest in you, doctor. Nor would I ever. Nor would I have ever in the past," Sasuke said, pushing past Sakura to the back of the bay. He scanned the area with his keen eyes. Nothing.

"Oh hey! I bet I could generate plenty of interest in me out of you!" Sakura protested, not seeing where Naruto had gone but resolute to not break character. "It's not _me_ that would have the problem though!"

"I sincerely doubt it," Sasuke said.

"You're right," Sakura replied flatly. "After all, I'm a doctor, not a _blow up doll._.. Sir."

Sasuke merely raised an eyebrow, and, while he felt certain something was amiss, it was not to be found here. He strode out of the cargo bay without another word. Sakura breathed a sigh of relief, and began to look around.

"Naruto?"

_POOF!_

"ACK!" Sakura cried, clutching at her chest. "Wh-What the hell?!"

"Ah... Don't ask... I don't know how I did it either," Naruto said. He grinned. "Nice covering, by the way."

"Okay, first... Once more, you _owe_ me big time," Sakura growled. "And _second_, Sickbay. Now!"

"Yes ma'am..." He grinned at her as they snuck out. "By the way, Sakura-chan... You generate lots of interest in me."

"Shut up!"

"So, how're you going to sneak me up there?" Naruto asked Sakura.

"Damn it, Naruto! I'm a doctor, not a ninja! Now shut up and let me think…"

"You know, you say you're a doctor and not something else a lot..." Naruto remarked with a smirk. However, he was quick to silence himself and forced himself not to shiver at the fierce glare Sakura shot at him. Of course this was no easy task as he was shivering with a slight fever due to whatever the hell it was Sakura injected him with…

Luckily enough for him, it would be only a matter of moments before it would pass as for some reason he always healed quickly and was hardly ever sick, the exceptions being whenever he allowed himself to be Sakura's lab rat.

They never could figure out how or why this was, but it was something Sakura was always very quick and willing to exploit.

And then came yet another unbidden thought... '_Kyuubi_'...

The engineering hull of the Konoha was very function oriented-The corridors were utilitarian with visible piping and tubes for the air ventilation systems, plumbing and other systems. A darker gray tone of the walls further emphasized the business-like nature of this section. All around them, cadets and trainees moved about their business, the occasional dark green of a Starfleet Marine appearing in a sea of red uniforms and gray coveralls.

"Turbolift, there we go," Sakura muttered, pulling Naruto into the lift. She quickly shut the doors behind them. "Deck 16!" She ordered, and away they went.

The hum of the turbolift seemed to make Naruto's headache worse, and his hands went to the sides of his head.

"What's wrong, Naruto?" Sakura asked, her face a mask of concern.

"Ugh... Just this headache..."

"Ah, sorry, you're going to have a few of those," Sakura apologized sheepishly.

"What the hell did you do to me this time!?" Naruto demanded in a whispered hiss.

"It's the vaccine to the Andorian Turpal Flu," Sakura said. "Be grateful I had it on me, the real thing is much worse."

"I don't see how," Naruto griped bitterly.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Quit being such a baby! You wanted to get aboard... And you still haven't told me how you turned into a box. The flu doesn't do that!"

"I told you already, Sakura-chan, I don't know!"

"Sakura... Chan?" Sakura blinked, and then rummaged about in her medical kit for her tricorder. "Okay, now I'm really worried..."

"If you're worried about me, it must be bad..." Naruto tried to joke, but deep down he was starting to get worried. By the look Sakura gave him, she didn't find it funny either.

Sakura keyed the HUD on her glasses to her tricorder, and ran the portable scanner down his chest. A flood of data appeared on her glasses, supplemented by advanced chakratech within the tricorder itself to analyze the movement of life-force through her friend's body. Something odd was going on, but what she could not determine, she made another sweep this time moving upwards over his torso to his head. There was some sort of anomalous activity going on. 'The flu wouldn't do this...'

She would definitely need the equipment of the medical bay for this.

His chakra levels were far too high, his immune response was too strong, even for him. And then there was the significant change to his brainwave patterns. It was almost as if something was overwriting his thought processes...

No... Not overwriting... As his personality wasn't being replaced.

It was almost as if something was supplementing them, almost merging...

"You've got too much memory..."

"Huh?" Naruto asked intelligibly.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "The part of your brain responsible for telling time? It's acting as though you have another... fifteen years of memories."

"How is that possible?" Naruto asked with a frown.

"I... I don't know..." Sakura replied nervously. "There are rumors that a Vulcan mind meld might be able to do things like this to a mind, but the process is said to be very tricky and extremely high risk to both parties involved. Not to mention it would be impossible to do it to this degree without both parties suffering some sort of long term damage, even if done by a full blooded Vulcan..."

The turbolift came to a stop, and the doors opened.

Sakura glanced around, making sure there was no one in the passageway. Secrecy and time were both of the essence. Once she was satisfied there was no one in the immediate area, she pulled Naruto out of the lift and down the corridor, towards the medical bay.

The change was immediate, as here in the primary hull, the walls were brighter and the paneling more aesthetically pleasing. This was mostly like due to the fact that there were far more people living in this section of the ship vs. merely working there.

"I can walk on my own just fine, you know," Naruto said sarcastically.

"Excuse me, who has the PhD in something other than stupid?" Sakura asked.

"I hate to break it to you, Sakura, but while you may be a doctor, I know my own body better than anyone!" Naruto shot back. 'Leave it to Sakura to be such a worrywart... Just like when I used the Rasenshuriken on that freaky Akatsuki dude...'

The thought made Naruto pause. He didn't remember that happening, and yet... He did...

Sakura looked at him with growing concern for a moment before tugging on his arm. "C'mon, before someone sees us!"

Sakura pulled him over to a biobed in the back of sickbay, avoiding the bored looking nurse on station. Thankfully it seemed nobody needed medical assistance at the moment.

"Climb in," she ordered him.

"Sakura, I don't have time for this..."

"Do it." Naruto didn't have to hear the implied 'now' to know that if he didn't comply immediately that there would be hell to pay.

Working swiftly with the grace of a practiced hand, Sakura lowered the canopy and began to manipulate the controls.

"Sakura?"

Shizune's voice startled Sakura.

"Y-yes, Shizune?" Sakura answered, though she mentally cursed. Fortunately it appeared Shizune was in a bad mood, and hence she stalked over to her desk and began angrily punching through reports.

"Who have we got today?" She asked flatly.

Sakura's mind froze in panic, trying to think up a response.

Shizune grumbled, most likely over Iruka and Anko... And suddenly, the quick witted doctor had it!

"So, um... Did you see the captain?" Sakura asked. Shizune's eyes narrowed and she took a deep breath.

"Oh, he's fine... Just fine," she hissed.

"The major again?" Sakura tried.

Jackpot. Shizune sucked in another deep breath, and began to rant.

"If there _EVER_ was someone... Urghh!" Shizune let out an irritated groan. "And the way she flaunts herself around... Practically throwing herself at him like, like... some...."

"Whore?" Sakura offered, sparing a quick glance at the display on the biobed. The readings should be done soon. She just needed to keep Doctor Senju busy for a while longer...

"Yes, like some brazen, haughty, disgusting _whore_!" Shizune ranted. "Seriously, why does the Capitan tolerate her?"

"Ah... Well, they are old friends," Sakura suggested. 'C'mon you stupid machine, hurry up...!'

"Humph... I don't see how," the Head Doctor complained. "The Captain is the sweetest, kindest, most noble person I've ever met..." Shizune then briefly paused to sigh dreamily. However, her mood quickly changed from dreamy to nearly snarling and foaming at the mouth in a split second. "I won't let that tramp get her vicious disease-ridden hooks into him! He deserves some better than that, someone, more wholesome, more like..."

"More like you?" Sakura asked, restraining a sigh. 'Almost there, almost there...'

"Oh, heavens no!" exclaimed Shizune, however, her blush betrayed her. "I... I don't think..."

Sakura could barely contain her smirk.

"You know you and the Captain would make a perfect match!" Sakura said with an encouraging grin. "And we've seen how you look at him."

"Oh, b-but I couldn't... I mean..." Shizune stuttered. "I mean, he's so... And I'm just plain, boring Shizune..."

"No no! You're not!" Sakura said immediately. "You're very smart, and compassionate, and you've always been a good teacher to me. You just need to, you know... Catch his attention a little better."

"But how?" asked Shizune depreciatively. "Nothing I could do could possibly compete with... _Her_..."

It surprised Sakura at how much venom and contempt that sweet, kind hearted Shizune used when referring to Anko, who was rarely, if ever, mentioned by name. So, Sakura decided to pull a Naruto to both cheer up her beloved teacher, and keep her distracted.

"Really Shizune... You're selling yourself short. I mean, you have a better figure than she does," Sakura suggested. "It's just hard to see through your standard uniform."

"Humph... Have you seen the size of her chest?" asked Shizune incredulously. "It's a wonder she can walk around without falling over!"

"Be that as it may..." Sakura temporized, "Your body is much better proportioned than hers is. And it's not just that, you need to show more confidence in yourself!"

"You're right, Sakura! I just need to be a bit more assertive, and show that harlot who is truly worthy of the Captain's notice!" Shizune declared with a renewed fire in her eyes.

"So, why don't you start by going to the Quartermaster and asking for an adjusted uniform?" Sakura suggested.

"B-but, I couldn't!" Shizune replied in a scandalized tone. "I mean, wouldn't that be a bit... Forward?"

"Not at all! It would be very assertive, and in stark contrast to how Major Mitarashi behaves." The screen said the scan was nearly done. She had to get the CMO out of here before it opened up. Sakura sighed. "And the new clothes will help with that. I'm not saying you should try flaunting everything you have, just small adjustments here and there to accentuate everything you want the Captain to notice."

The screen's indicator lights turned bright green, indicating completion of the full scan.

"Are... Are you sure it will work..." Shizune asked with uncertainty and hope. "Do you think he would notice me more?"

"Positive, but if you don't act soon, it might be too late," Sakura both assured and warned her mentor. "Who knows what Major Mitarashi might be up to right now."

Steeling her resolve, Shizune's posture noticeably straightened. "I won't lose to her!"

Shizune left Sickbay, looking very determined. Sakura let out a sigh of relief, and opened the heavy medical scanner up.

"You know, if this Doctor thing doesn't work out for you, you could always become a matchmaker," Naruto said with a grin.

"Oh shut up," Sakura said, turning to the display screen and quickly looking through the results.

"I know, I know... You're a doctor, not a love guru..." Naruto said in a mock exasperated voice, before chuckling at his own joke. For reasons he couldn't fathom, Sakura didn't look very amused.

"That isn't funny! And that's my catchphrase!"

It was finally Naruto's turn to roll his eyes. "You know, you could learn to lighten up a bit more."

"Quiet, I'm a little busy..." She grimaced. "Dammit... This tells me nothing!"

The results gave her the symptoms, naturally, but no cause was forthcoming. Sakura let out a frustrated growl and pinched the bridge of her nose, pushing up her glasses just a bit.

"So... Nothing?" Asked Naruto.

"No... Definitely something... But whatever it is, it's something our diagnostics have never come across before," answered Sakura. She then got a strange glint in her eye, one that Naruto knew all too well.

'Uh oh...' he thought to himself.

"No, absolutely not!" Naruto declared. "It's bad enough I let you inject me with random things all the time in the name of science and your GPA. I will not let you turn me into some sort of specimen to be poked, prodded and dissected."

"Oh come on Naruto! It wouldn't be anything really invasive, I promise!" Sakura pleaded.

"Uh-huh!" replied Naruto, "Last time you said that, Kiba was walking funny for a week!"

Sakura had the grace to blush. "Ah, well... That didn't go quite as planned..."

Naruto gave her a stern look.

"Oh, c'mon, Naruto!" Sakura pouted.

"Not happening!" exclaimed Naruto. "Now, we've wasted enough time here, I've got to hurry and find Iruka-sensei."

"Iruka... Sensei?" Sakura gave him a weird look.

"Err... Umino-taichou... Dammit... You know who I'm talking about!" Naruto snapped.

"Maybe I should do another scan, just to be sure you're all right," Sakura said.

Naruto sighed in frustration. "Look, I feel perfectly fine. Even my headache is getting better. There's nothing to worry about."

"There's ALWAYS something to worry about out here! And especially about you!" Sakura growled. "Now, you lay RIGHT BACK on that table, now!" She pressed her hands against his chest to push him back down.

Naruto grumbled about something or another, but complied anyway, as Sakura began the process once more.

"Doctor Haruno?"

"ACK!" Sakura jumped.

'Dammit!' she mentally cursed. Couldn't people just leave her alone while she examined the stow-a-away she brought on board?

"Ah, sorry," the large engineer said. He rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Err, could you look at this rash I've got? Nothing serious I hope but I just wanted to make sure..."

Sakura sighs. "Fine... Right over here..."

Naruto then used the momentary distraction to slip quietly out of the med bay. There was just no way in hell he'd end up like Kiba...

* * *

Meanwhile, Starfleet Command was giving the USS Konoha the clearance to depart. Many within the Space Dock itself watched as the Federation's most advanced ship began to slowly begin its departure.

"Thrusters only, Mr. Sai," Iruka ordered, leaning back in his chair ever so slightly. "No need to rush right out of the gate."

"Aye, sir," said Sai emotionlessly as he punched in a few buttons seemingly at random.

When Konoha was nearly clear of the Space Dock, Captain Umino gave the order. "One third, impulse power."

"One third, impulse, aye, captain," replied Sai in that same monotone voice that tended to creep Iruka out. He knew he wasn't the only one as Naruto had commented on it time and again. But then again, that's how those recruits from Admiral Danzou's specialized training program were. If anything, Sai was one of the more responsive ones.

"Two thousand, three hundred meters from space dock, Captain," Hinata reported in a rather steady tone. Iruka noted that she'd been extremely nervous and jumpy since she came onboard, but whatever had been bothering her seemed to have been sorted out.

At least she seemed less depressed. The only reason why she even signed up for the Konoha Student Voyage was because Naruto was supposed to be the Cadet Captain under his watchful eye. However, the controversy of Naruto's crowning achievement had gotten him black listed from this shakedown mission, pending possible expulsion from Starfleet Academy. The fact that it was her cousin, a man she often looked to as a brother, pushing for Naruto's expulsion had not made things any easier on her.

Iruka spied Neji, who was at his station every so often sparing Hinata a look. Ever the proud, yet protective cousin, he let just a bit of affection emerge that only someone who knew Vulcans could detect, and even then the look was gone so swiftly that one might have missed it entirely, or otherwise discounted it as a simple figment of their imagination, unless they were looking for it.

Iruka sighed.

Ever since they had met, Neji and Naruto had never liked each other. The problem only magnified itself once Naruto met Hinata and befriended her. Instantly, Hinata had become enamored with her fellow space cadet, and anyone could see from miles away that she greatly admired him. However, it seemed as if Naruto's latest achievement was the final straw.

Naruto Uzumaki did the unthinkable, he beat the unbeatable, no-win scenario, a program meant to test the capabilities of prospective commanders and monitor how well they dealt with the pain of loss. A program designed, implemented and proctored by Neji Hyuuga himself.

When Iruka asked Naruto how he did it, Naruto's reply was "I was just lucky, I guess."

Had it been anyone else, Iruka would have taken it for foolish bravado and suspected foul play. However, Naruto wasn't one for cheating, and thus, despite how 'illogical' it seemed, Iruka truly believed that Naruto got through it by sheer dumb luck.

Neji, however, had not seen it that way. He had immediately declared it impossible that anyone could beat his program, and at the hearing that followed, things turned nasty. He still couldn't believe Neji brought up the death of Naruto's father. Or the fact that Naruto actually preceded to punch Neji in the middle of the hearing.

Multiple times.

Well, then again, Naruto had always been a bit of a hothead, which was probably why Naruto's class had been one of the most competitive classes Starfleet had seen in quite sometime. Sure none of them really stood out like Vice Admiral or Captain Hatake or even Commander Uchiha (Itachi), but the overall quality of recruits in that class were much higher than any seen before them.

Still, as much as he hated to do it, Naruto had to be grounded. There would be other training flights, as they couldn't just let their officers brawl amongst themselves, and especially not in front of a review board.

"Civilian traffic has been diverted, captain," Ino reported from the communications console. "Skies are clear, window is open."

"Very well," replied Iruka. "Let's see what she can do."

Iruka sighed as his thoughts turned back to what had happened next. He had been overridden on his decision not to assign a new cadet captain, as all the other positions were filled, there were no other candidates fully qualified to take Naruto's place without restructuring the entire cadet command crew, which would have delayed the mission even longer than Naruto's hearing had. And so Neji had been added as a last minute addition to the crew, taking Naruto's place to serve as a liaison between the cadets and the commissioned officers on board.

"Captain?" Itachi asked. The Uchiha officer's voice was soft, not wanting to stir Iruka in a way that would embarrass him.

"Yes, Number one?"

"Course and speed, sir?" He asked politely. At times, the slightly manic Uchiha could be very thoughtful and professional.

Iruka rubbed his right temple. He would think upon these things later, right now he had to focus.

"Set a course for Benehime Station, Warp Two.." Iruka ordered with a slight smirk. "Hit it!"

The Konoha's massive warp engines glowed with powerful energies, and around the great ship, her warp field flashed into the visible spectrum for a moment almost too brief to measure. Space/time bent and the great starship left Einstein's universe with a flash.

"Warp five, sir," Sai reported mechanically.

"Try to contain your enthusiasm, Sai baby," Ino teased from her station.

Sai's face scrunched up momentarily in confusion as if working out some sort of complex problem.

"I was only giving a status report, Miss Yamanaka," Sai replied in a tone that was both very plain and yet slightly puzzled, "And your nickname for me is inaccurate, for I am not a baby, nor do I act like one."

Ino let out a small giggle, which only served to confuse Sai further, before turning back to her console and amusedly mumbling, "Sheesh... I'd almost swear he's a Vulcan..."

Itachi raised a pointed eyebrow. "What was that you said, Miss Yamanaka?"

Ino blushed under the scrutiny of the half Vulcan First Officer, but managed to direct one of her more charming smiles towards him. "Nothing, Commander Uchiha."

Itachi smiled just as charmingly back, and nodded. "Good to hear."

'Oh boy... His smile is as sexy as Naruto's...' she noted, her blush darkening.

The turbolift doors opened, and Sasuke entered, looking as prim and proper as ever. Gazing around the bridge for a bit, he almost immediately spotted the Captain and his brother and strode purposefully towards them to make his report. "All spaces have been thoroughly checked and cleared, as per my instructions. Everything seems to be in order."

"Good work," Iruka said, smiling slightly. "At ease, Mr. Uchiha."

"I am at ease, Sir," the stoic Uchiha replied, his face an emotionless mask of perfect professionalism. Iruka quirked an eyebrow, and spared a quick glance towards Itachi. It took a moment to realize that Sasuke wasn't joking.

"Well, take your station then, Mr. Uchiha. We've got a while to go."

"By your leave, Captain," Sasuke replied, before coming completely to attention and exiting the bridge the same way he entered.

"You'd think years of exposure to Naruto would have gotten him to lighten up, even a little bit," Iruka sighed, ignoring the tightening muscles of Neji's jaw at the mere mention of the bane of his existence.

Hinata, in turn, blushed just a bit at the mention of her crush.

"He wishes to prove himself to father in anyway he can," replied Itachi, "Little Sasuke will settle for nothing less than perfection. Despite the fact that Sasuke's class ranking is second only to Naruto's, I highly doubt he'll be mimicking any of Naruto's mannerisms anytime soon."

"Let's hope not," Iruka chuckled softly.

* * *

As Iruka and Itachi were discussing Naruto, Sakura turned back to the biobed where Naruto was laying down at. The scan had to be complete by now.

However, instead of finding her best friend and yet another completed full body scan, she found an empty biobed and an incomplete scan that had barely reached 3 percent.

"Oh that bastard!" Sakura hissed to herself venomously.

* * *

Two decks up in a nearby ladder well, Naruto felt an involuntary shudder travel up his spine. 'Looks like Sakura knows I'm gone...'

* * *

_Please review._


	42. Star Trek Naruto 5

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Here's some more of the Star Trek 2009/Naruto fusion idea, which MandalorianJedi wrote a significant part of. Enjoy!_

_

* * *

_

As Naruto climbed up the ladder well, he realized his gravest mistake. Due to his Academic Review Board, and his subsequent grounding, he was not as familiar with the ship as he should be, given the fact that he was supposed to be leading the mission while under the watchful eye of his former teacher and newly promoted Captain, Iruka Umino. As such, part of the plan was for Sakura to guide him to wherever the Captain would be at any given time. Unfortunately, he had abandoned her in sick bay and would likely not be happy to see him at this very moment.

Still, he'd memorized the decks and the major departments. So, unless he was really screwed up in the head, the messhall should be right on this deck.

Thinking about the mess hall got him thinking about something else, or rather got him thinking with something else, namely his stomach, as he suddenly got the strangest craving for Ramen. It was strange for him because he never really liked Ramen all that much and now he felt as if he could put down nearly a dozen bowls in a single sitting.

So, he headed down the corridor for the messhall, keeping an eye on the section signs above the doors.

He was nearly to the double doors when a pair of security officers rounded the corner ahead. Naruto, thinking quickly, tapped the control panel for the door next to the mess and slipped in.

His senses were greeted with the cacophony of a kitchen in full swing, the full mess crew (all attractive young women, part of his mind noted) scurrying about.

Naruto's senses were sharper than ever on this day, however, as amongst the busy mess staff, he felt rather than saw or heard the foreign presence within the room. And while the presence didn't seem to have noticed him yet, it was heading in his direction. Out of reflex, more than anything else, his hands made a sign.

_POOF!_

"All I'm saying, Lieutenant, is that I understand you want to do a good job, but this is taking things a bit too far," an older brunette with a white cloth tied around her head was telling Sasuke. The woman he instantly recognized, even though part of his mind insisted they had never met before.

"And I am saying, Miss Ichiraku, that proper procedures are to be followed for all our provisions," Sasuke replied. He suddenly paused when he noticed one of the kitchen staff staring blankly at him and the Head Culinary Specialist. His eyes narrowed slightly, something was off about her, but he couldn't quite place it...

Ayame stared right at the staffer... And smiled.

"Now Naru-chan, I know he's very well groomed, but don't stare! He will only break your heart," she gently admonished.

Naruto sputtered out all sorts of denials while blushing profusely in embarrassment.

"Sorry, Cadet Lt. Uchiha, but I can't deal with this right now. Naruko is new, could you come back when we're less busy?" asked the pretty brunette. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard something, like an old memory, telling him her name was Ayame.

Sasuke looked at the girl in suspicion before finally acquiescing to Ayame's request. "Fine, I shall return at 2000 for a formal inspection of all Culinary Spaces, Equipment and Provisions."

"I will be ready, Cadet Lieutenant," Ayame said. She produced a tomato, and presented it to him. "Don't worry, I have run it through the spectrometer. It's perfectly safe."

He looked at her shrewdly for a moment before accepting the tomato. "Thank you." he said graciously, or as graciously as any other Vulcan would, before pushing his way past the blonde girl in the cooks uniform, blonde pigtails and whisker like birthmarks.

He existed through the back door, which shut with a hiss. Ayame moved up to Naruto, a knowing smile on her face.

"I was wondering when you would figure that one out," Ayame murmured. "Naruto..." She smirked playfully.

"Though you seem to have toned the bust and hips down a bit."

Naruto, or Naruko, as he was now being called, blushed inspite of him/herself.

_POOF!_

Naruto was pleased to see that he was back to his normal self.

No other members of the kitchen staff noticed, continuing to go about their Naruto found very unusual. He had the sneaking suspicion this woman had a hand in it, somehow.

"Ayame... Right?" Naruto addressed the young woman uncertainly. "Do you know what the heck is going on?"

Ayame smiled, and reached out to grasp his arm.

"Not here," she replied. "Follow me." She then proceeded to drag him into a nearby storeroom. Once inside, she took a deep breath and sighed.

"To be honest... I'm as confused by this as you are. I have never met you before, Naruto Uzumaki... But I know you. I know your favorite color is orange, you love ramen, you have always dreamed of becoming a great leader, who can protect those precious to him. I can sense something is amiss. I should know you, but I don't, and I can't quite place why," Ayame told him. "It's almost as if this, all of this, shouldn't be happening. Like it's... Wrong somehow..."

"Wrong?" Naruto asked. "So... What? I'm supposed to be capable of turning into boxes and hot girls on command?"

"And much more, Naruto," Ayame said. "Perhaps... _It_ would know more than I do."

She gave him a hard look.

"But I wouldn't trust it. And neither should you."

Naruto quirked an eyebrow at the woman in a similar fashion to how he'd seen Itachi, Sasuke and Neji whenever they were puzzled by something.

Ayame sighed, and reached up to cup his cheeks. "So you do not know about that then... I'm not surprised. You didn't learn about it for a very long time..."

"I... I don't understand..." said Naruto confusedly, a slight blush peppering his cheeks due to the intimacy of her gentle, caressing touch.

"Neither do I," Ayame replied. "But I know... I always knew, but I don't know if I always knew before I met you."

She smiled apologetically. "There's only one way I can think of to explain this."

She let him go and walked over to a cabinet. She opened it, and produced a phaser.

"A-Ayame-chan...?" He wasn't sure that he liked where this was going. Not one bit.

"Don't worry, Naruto-kun," she said in a voice filled with warmth, affectionate and sensual. "I love you... So you should know," she set the phaser to kill, "I only do this out of that love."

"Now, now... Can't we talk this over..." Naruto tried desperately to reason with the seemingly deranged woman. "There are other ways to show your love..." He barely kept himself from blushing as in his mind's eye he could almost picture himself and the woman before him with the deadly weapon pointed at him performing some of those different ways with one another.

He spared a quick glance at the door, but he knew he'd never make it out of the room in time.

"Don't worry Naruto," Ayame said soothingly. "It'll be all right... It won't let you die. So... See you in a few." She fired, the beam connecting right with Naruto; dead center of his chest.

Naruto's eyes widened in an almost comical fashion. Despite knowing his death was imminent, it still took him by surprise. The last thing Naruto saw as his world faded into nothingness was the devastated look on Ayame's face, her warm tears hitting his rapidly cooling face as he slipped away into oblivion...

Which looked, strangely enough, like a dark, rusted sewer.

"She... She shot me!" Naruto exclaimed in shock as his mind tried to process what had happened.

"As usual, a master of the obvious, brat," growled a low voice behind him. He turned, and found himself staring through a gigantic steel gate, the doors held shut by a piece of paper with glowing symbols upon it.

Naruto was hit with an unexplainable sense of nostalgia and fury.

"I don't know who, or what, you are, and I don't give a damn," Naruto said angrily. "But I want some answers and I want them now!"

Out of the darkness beyond the gate, a woman appeared. Tall and beautiful, her long red hair cascaded down her back, her figure barely concealed by a long flowing kimono. Her eyes were blood red and slitted, and her cheeks bore whisker-like birthmarks identical to his own.

"It's been a long time, brat..." she greeted with malice.

"... Kyuubi," Naruto growled. "You goddamned fox bastard... Bitch... Whatever!"

"So you do remember," she said with a slight smirk, "Or at least, in part."

Kyuubi closed her eyes for a moment, concentrating on something.

"Yes... It's there, but still fragmented..."

"What the hell is going on?!" Naruto demanded, running right up to the gate. He slammed a fist against it. "What the hell did you do?!"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?!"

"I have done nothing," she replied, much to Naruto's confusion. "Already, you are in the middle of a dangerous game. If you can not force your feeble mind remember that which you have done, all will be lost. Time is no longer a luxury that exists for you."

She then turned her back on him, infuriating him further.

"What's that supposed to mean?! I've got two sets of memories in my head right now, and you know something about it! So TELL ME!"

"Figure it out yourself," Kyuubi ordered him. "Leave me. You are not ready."

With that, she sat down in a lotus position.

"Hey, don't ignore me you stupid bitch!" Naruto snarled. Suddenly the sewer was engulfed in sickly red chakra that was surprisingly full of hatred and malice. His confusing memories though came in handy, and he stood his ground, undaunted.

"TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!" Naruto roared.

However, he was only met with silence.

And then without warning, he was assaulted by several images. Most were indecipherable, too jumbled to be interpreted properly. Others were clear, yet they faded as quickly as they appeared. He was assaulted with several images of his friends, though they looked far different than they did in the present time.

The memories blended together, a confused mess that darkened slowly together into forms around him. He blinked, and looked around his new surroundings.

Wherever he was, he definitely wasn't on the _Konoha_ anymore... Yet, though he knew in his mind. this place, wherever it was, wasn't _the_ _Konoha_, he was certain in his heart that it was Konoha.

And as suddenly as it appeared, the landscape changed. It became a fiery maelstrom of chaos and everything seemed to be washed away. Once more he saw flashes. Kyuubi, Pein, Sasuke, Madara... They were familiar and yet foreign to him... And once more he knew nothingness.

When he became cognizant once more, Naruto found himself surrounded by a veil of impenetrable darkness. He could hear voices crying out.

_"Naruto... Bring Sasuke back..."_

_'Sakura..'_

_"How could you understand losing something YOU NEVER HAD TO BEGIN WITH?!"_

_'Sasuke...'_

_Naruto... I have watched you... And I… I love you…'_

_'Hinata...'_

'_You are within range of my divination!_

'_Neji...'_

And so the process repeated itself over and over again. And even so, Naruto could not comprehend it. A whole life, a whole world intimately familiar... But so very alien.

Once more scenes assaulted him, though these were far more familiar.

His first trip to Vulcan, meeting Itachi and Sasuke.

His mother, always smiling for him but that sadness in her eyes when she looked at the stars.

His first romantic tryst with a then innocent, but very willing Ino.

The beginning of his friendship with Sakura, so nervous, so haughty but so caring underneath her tough exterior…

His entrance into the Starfleet Academy, meeting Commander Umino, Lt. Commander Hyuuga and Hinata.

And then he was there... A place he had only seen in photographs. People he knew, friends of the family, all younger and at various stations on the starship bridge around him.

Yet through the viewscreen he could swear he saw the forest stretching out beyond them, suddenly dark and ominous.

He could hear an evil laugh echoing all around him. It seemed to come from everywhere with no obvious source. The crew did not seem to react to the laughter, but a sudden tension settled over them.

"What have we got?" His heart froze in his chest at the voice, and he turned to see the source. A tall blonde man, standing behind the helmsman as they looked out into the abyss.

His bright blue eyes narrowed in confusion.

'_Can't be…'_

"Nothing sir... There's too much interference," one of the officers reported. "The distress beacon is still broadcasting..."

"Something isn't right here..." the blonde stated. "All hands, Yellow Alert!"

_'It can't be…'_

"Minato, I'm picking up something odd..." said another voice, one that Naruto was intimately familiar with. His mother, belly large and rounded by a child.

The ship shook, rattling as though struck by a god's hammer. Outside, the forest was filled with flame and death, the hull shattering under some unholy wrath.

"Shields up! Red Alert!" shouted Minato, "Return fire and take evasive action!"

It was already too late.

It was a fox, a nightmarish monster raking the ship with it's claws and terrible tails, that struck again and again. The gashes in the hull penetrated deep, causing much structural devastation. Phaser fire shot ineffectually into it's hide, and undaunted it continued to toy with the ship, batting it around as a lion played with a mouse. Photon torpedoes seemed to merely annoy it, only making its' attacks even more fierce than before. His father's jaw tightened as decks ahead were opened to space, his crew sucked out and cast into the abyss.

"SIR! Decks 5 through 12 breached, sections A through G! Warp drive is gone!" One officer reported amidst the chaos.

The fox leered at the tiny ship, it's malice heavy even across the emptiness of space.

Suddenly, one of the other crewmembers on the bridge let out a cry of pain.

"Kushina!" shouted Minato.

"The... The baby..." she rasped.

"Captain! We can't take any more-!"

It seemed as though the fox would shatter the tiny vessel, it's claws raised to bring down the killing blow, the chaos and fear and rage within the ship building to a crescendo that would take the lives of everyone within.

Then... It stopped.

The breaths of the crew were the loudest sounds on the bridge, as the fox paused, hesitating.

"Captain... We're... We're being hailed!" shouted one of the other bridge crewmembers. However, Minto wasn't listening, his entire focus was on his fiancée, who seemed to be in the beginning stages of labor.

"Sir!" The commsop repeated urgently.

"... Get a medic up here, fast," Minato said, trying to keep the conflict out of his voice.

"Open the channel..."

A man wrapped in darkness appeared on the viewscreen. His face was sharp, nose curved, giving him the air of a predatory bird. Minato's hand was in Kushina's strong grip as he addressed the attacking entity, while waiting for someone to take his wife and unborn child to someplace else. Anywhere else, as the sheer menace of the figure washed over them.

"This is Minato Namikaze, Captain of the USS _Hiraishin_ of the United Federation of Planets. Why have you attacked us?"

_"Minato... It's been a while..."_

His voice was cold, and his face heavily obscured in the darkness, save for the single, red eye that looked upon them with malicious glee.

Minato's eyes narrowed. "Who are you?" he demanded.

His adversary merely let out an amused chuckle.

_"I see you have done well for yourself... You always do find a way to climb to the top, don't you? Brave new world... Same old players. Oh, and dear Kushina! I was hoping to see you too. Still looking as radiant as ever, even in the midst of battle."_

His eye narrowed. _"Did I just push you into labor? Good! Then all three of us can have a nice little reunion..." _He gasped in faux apology. "_Oh, I mean, all _four_ of us. We can't forget about little Naruto now, can we?"_

Naruto's blood ran cold. He knew this man... It screamed at him, this familiarity. Once more the mysterious feeling returned and once more a word was whispered to him from far away.

_Uchiha..._

"Minato, here is what is going to happen," the man continued. "You will bring your little family to me. If you do... I may spare your crew and your charming little vessel."

Minato's mind worked quickly, Naruto could see it in his eyes. When he spoke, it was with forced calm.

"Our ship is crippled... It can't go anywhere. I can't leave my crew out here like this."

"_Join me, and bring your precious family along, if you wished to see your crew spared from their inevitable fate,"_ their attacker replied graciously. _"I have waited so long and have come all this way. The least you can do is drop by for a pleasant little chat"_

Minato held Kushina's hand. "I need a few hours to make the necessary arrangements," he said.

_"Oh you can do better than that," the deranged man replied cheerfully in a sing song voice. "How about one. Hour?" _

Minato slowly nodded. "That… Will suffice."

"_Good!"_

"Thank you," Minato said stiffly.

_"Oh, it is the least I could do! And besides... What's one hour? We have so much to catch up on, all of us!"_ The channel closed.

"Sir," a silver-haired young man began. "You can't do this!"

"We're not giving up just yet, Lt. Hatake," Minato said quietly. "Kushina... Kushina, I know it hurts, but I need you to focus. All right?" He looked into his fiance's eyes. "What can you tell me about that ship?"

"It's far more advanced than anything we've ever encountered..." she replied through clenched teeth. "It's primary power source, weapons, shields... It's all powered by Chakra..."

"What kind?"

"I... I'm not sure... It's unlike anything we've encountered..." Kushina answered in exasperation. "Whatever it is, it's far more potent than the chakra found within humans and nature, and it seems as if his power supply is infinite."

Minato looked at the screen himself for a few minutes. A former science officer himself, he was seeing every detail, analyzing every variable.

"There's... There's something else..." She managed in between short, deep breaths.

"What?"

"The strange chakra... It appears to be... Alive," Kushina told them. "As if the ship was housing an entity composed almost completely of chakra..."

"How is that possible?" Wondered one crewmember.

"It shouldn't be," replied Lt. Hatake, "Chakra constructs are highly volatile and notoriously difficult to create. Maintaining one for any length of time is impossible, yet somehow he's managed it..."

"No, he's not just maintaining it, Kakashi," added Minato, "He's controlling it. Which might give us a way out of this," he finished thoughtfully.

"How?" asked Kakashi. Minato's azure eyes met Kushina's emerald ones. Her eyes widened in realization of what he had planned.

"... Lieutenant, get this ship ready for full evacuation. Kushina? I'm going to need every scrap of information you can get me on that thing. Is the main deflector still working?"

"Barely sir," an engineer replied, "but what are you-?"

"No time to explain, move, now!" Minato ordered.

"You... You can't seriously be thinking... It'll kill you!" Kushina hissed in a low voice that only the two of them could hear.

Minato smiled in that charmingly infuriating manner Naruto knew his mother had loved and hated with equal vigor. "Punishment for killing a superior officer is death by spacing, Kushina. I don't think that'd be too good for the baby, myself..."

The crew was moving around them, as his orders were relayed around the ship. The medics finally arrived.

"I think you're going to have to induce labor," Minato said. "We don't have a lot of time."

"Ah, yes sir," one of the medics replied.

The ship became busy, so very busy, anxiety tempered by professionalism driving them forward. Naruto saw it all, his mother moved down to the flight bay even as his infant self was struggling to be born, his father working furiously on calculations and sealwork he both knew and hadn't the faintest idea of.

Seals... It was an unrefined science that dealt specifically with chakra manipulation. Naruto hadn't bothered learning about them as it seemed like a rather useless skill to have. It was all theory and seemed to be a lot more like magic than an actual science.

However, as Naruto looked down as his father's calculations, both understanding and yet not comprehending them at all, he knew this was stuff far beyond what the Federation currently had.

An hour became five minutes, and the ship was packed up and ready to go. Amidst the anxious noise of the crew, a baby's cry pierced through the stuffy air on the bridge. His parents looked down upon him with pure love, as his tiny hands waved up, his eyes shut tightly as he wailed.

Somehow, instinctively, he knew what was gong to happen next.

"Here we go," Minato said softly, pressing a device to his infant son's belly. A seal appeared on his skin, flaring into existence in a flash of light.

"Sir, the hour is nearly up, what are your orders?" asked Lt. Hatake.

"... Get my wife to the shuttle, and get everyone out of here. I'll beam the boy to your shuttle, and stay behind to make sure he doesn't follow you," Minato said.

"Sir?" Kakashi asked uneasily.

"You heard me. Abandon ship," ordered Minato forcefully.

"You can't do this," Kushina said. "I-I won't let you..."

"Kushina..." Minato whispered softly. "Thank you..."

Kushina's eye's widened slightly before they began to droop.

"Min... Mina... to... Y-You bastard..."

"I love you too," the captain said softly.

Looking down at his fiancée's now unconscious body, he had a slight smile on his face. However, it held none of the warmth or compassion that was usually found on his features. It was resolution that now adorned his face. Resolution and resolve.

The communications console beeped. Minato reached over and touched it.

He spared one last glance at his wife-to-be as she was being carted of the bridge.

He then touched a control on the console.

"Time's up, Minato," the man said cheerfully, his visage grinning on the screen. "I've kept my end of the bargain, being a good boy and all. How about you?"

"Here it comes," Minato said softly. The programs he had created kicked in, and the icon of a toad with a sword appeared on the screen.

The _Hiraishin's_ main deflector activated, sending a beam lashing out across the gap of space to strike the enemy vessel. A fox roared, and the forest was bathed in ethereal light. Having been separated from the ship, the fox had to quickly find some other way of being contained as the cold vacuum of space threatened to rip it to pieces. It immediately went after the first thing it saw, the USS _Hiraishin._

Drawn through the deflector array, the terrible energies of the entity were channeled through the ship, directed and focused into a new vessel. Panels exploded and various pipes ruptured as the _Hiraishin_ continued to act as a conductor of the Chakra Construct.

But none of this destructive energy harmed the baby Naruto, who wailed in fear, not pain, as the Kyuubi was locked away inside of him.

With a shaky breath, Minato keyed in the last part of his program.

"_Youuuu… Minato… MINATO! I'LL-"_ The screen went black, cutting off the enemy's screams. The _Hiraishin's_ remaining power was fed into the vessel's impulse drive, and the battered ship accelerated towards it's much larger foe.

Minato's focus only left the enemy ship for a brief second, and Naruto could swear he heard his father's thoughts. 'Naruto… Kushina… Please forgive me.'

Naruto vanished in a transporter beam, reappearing on one of the packed shuttles awaiting the order to depart in the vessel's hangar. Kakashi carefully gathered the screaming baby into his arms, and held him tightly.

"Get us out of here. All shuttles now, now, now," he ordered.

_Hiraishin's_ entire airwing evacuated, dozens of shuttles flying out of the starship's shuttle bay.

At the same moment, the starship's phaser batteries opened fire and her remaining photon torpedoes were launched into it's adversary.

Already, Naruto could see other chakra entities-Other Bijuu-fleeing the ship, leaving its power drained. But, the warship was not defenseless. One of the fleeing bijuu tore right through the _Hiraishin_, giving the unknown ship the opening it needed.

Its weapons razed the vessel, turning it into a burning wreck as radiating plasma and atmosphere vented from every breach. Without it's power sources, the ship lay bare in front of Naruto-No monster no longer, no demon-Just an enemy.

However, the fleeing shuttles were still no match for it, and even if they were, the ship was well hidden by the explosion of the _Hiraishin_ as it made its' retreat back into unknown space, the radiated debris hiding it from their sensors.

Naruto watched every moment from the bridge, from the forest, from the retreating shuttles...

His father's stoic visage, carried even into death as his ship was consumed by the collision.

The enraged screams of the enemy commander.

The cries of his infant self who was inconsolable in the arms of Lt. Hatake.

And his mother, in a fitful, sedative induced state, as though having a nightmare about the reality occuring around her.

He bowed his head, finding himself staring at the rusty floor of the Kyuubi's prison.

"Wh-What... The hell... Was that..." Naruto asked while gasping for air, his face covered in sweat.

"I'd call it your past. What, didn't you recognize it?" The Kyuubi asked coldly.

"Smart ass..." Naruto growled. "What... How did that happen... And the other stuff... What was all that stuff..."

The Kyuubi shot him a contemptuous look. "You have a brain, as underdeveloped as it is. You have all the information you need from two lifetimes."

The demon's eyes narrowed mockingly.

"_You_ figure it out. For now..." Naruto felt the red chakra sieze him, the familiar sensation of being forced back into consciousness filling him.

Naruto closed his eyes against the onslaught of red chakra, only to find himself laying down on the floor, a not uncomfortable weight on his chest, despite the soreness from the phaser burn, and a slightly stiff body. As he became more and more aware of his surroundings, he could hear the sobbing of a young woman. In that instant, he wanted to do nothing more than to comfort her, to make her not sad. Unfortunately for him, his body still wasn't quite responding as he wanted it to.

'Take this gift... Your life... Try not to waste it so readily this time,' the Kyuubi hissed in the back of his mind.

"Fox... Bitch…" Naruto mumbled.

"N-Naruto?" Ayame asked shakily.

"Hey..." Naruto replied. He tried to smile, he really did, but he was barely capable of moving on his own at the moment, though he was beginning to regain it little by little.

"You... shot me..."

"Sorry," Ayame said softly. "I-I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think you'd be okay... Did... Did it help?"

"It kind of explains some things... But I have a lot more questions now, than answers..." Naruto told her.

Ayame sniffled, and smiled at him. "W-Well... Something good came out of it then..." She hugged him tightly, and gave him a brief kiss. "Mwah!" She grinned and giggled.

"You know, if you wanted a kiss that badly, you could have just asked," Naruto joked as he was badly to sit up on his own with a bit of help from Ayame.

"Mou, that takes all the fun out of it," Ayame pouted.

Naruto chuckled as he absently rubbed the area where she shot him. What he found, or father didn't find, rather startled him.

There wasn't a single blemish, no scarring or even the slightest hint of burnt skin. Sure, his shirt was ruined but that was all.

Ayame smiled. "Knew it..."

"Strange... I've always healed fast, but nothing like this..." Naruto noted.

"Well... You didn't get shot with a phaser before," Ayame said.

A thought immediately hit Naruto like aforementioned phaser blast. The _Konoha's _internal sensors should have picked it up.

"Shit... I need to get out of here!"

He leaped to his feet and hit the door control.

Which opened, revealing the face of the one man Naruto was hoping to avoid.

_Sasuke!_

* * *

_Yeah, it's a bit more weird here but hopefully it's still pretty good. Though I'll leave that up to you._


	43. Star Trek Naruto 6

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Here's some more of the Star Trek 2009/Naruto fusion idea, which MandalorianJedi wrote a significant part of. Enjoy!_

* * *

Ino pressed her ear bud, and frowned. She hit a few controls, sorting through the various signal noises to zero in on her quarry. "Captain, we're getting a distress signal."

"From who?" ask Iruka concernedly.

"Van Maanen 3, Vulcan colony. It is a general distress call, but it is Class 1."

This meant a planetary level disaster.

"Van Maanen 3?" asked Itachi in alarm. Iruka raised an eyebrow at this.

"What do you know about the colony, Number One?" questioned Iruka. While Itachi showed more emotions than any other Vulcan, full-blooded or half- Hinata excluded, Iruka knew, it wasn't like the Commander to lose his cool.

"Van Maanen 3 isn't just your typical Vulcan colony... While it does consist primarily of Vulcans, the majority of the population are Uchiha... My mother is there as we speak, visiting relatives," Itachi explained.

"Miss Yamanaka, relay this message to Starfleet Command. We are answering the colony's distress call. Ask for all available starships in the area to be diverted to the Van Maanen system." He looked at Hinata. "Miss Hyuuga, plot a course for the system. Mr. Sai, as soon as that's done, head for the colony, maximum warp."

"Aye, Captain," could be heard from three different locations across the bridge.

"Neji," Iruka said turning to his head to the Officer/Student Liaison, and also the most skilled Science Officer on board, "I need you on our long range scanners to see what you can find out about what's going on before we get there."

"It will be done, Captain," Neji complied dutifully.

Iruka smiled at Itachi. "Number One, prepare the ship for full emergency response."

Itachi looked a bit shaken, but nodded as he composed himself, the mask of a proper Vulcan put in place. "I shall alert the Major to prepare her men for search and rescue," said Itachi emotionlessly. "Captain... I request to join the team."

Iruka hesitated for a moment. "Granted, just don't do anything stupid down there."

"Yes sir," Itachi as he stood and exited the bridge.

"He isn't turning into his younger brother, is he?" Ino commented.

"He's dealing with things the best he can, Miss Yamanaka," Iruka explained to her with a scolding glance. Ino looked sheepish and felt a bit guilty for her comment. Iruka's expression softened. "He's barely holding it together right now and is looking for a way to bury his emotions."

"It is the Vulcan way," Neji commented, with just the tiniest bit of pride detectable in his voice.

"It's stupid... That's what Naruto would say," replied Hinata in a rare showing of boldness. She was typically very polite and soft spoken. "One shouldn't bury their emotions, emotions is part of what makes us who we are."

Neji's face slightly reddened at the mention of Naruto and he scoffed at her words. "Spoken like a true failed member of both the Hyuuga Clan and the Vulcan race. Only through discipline, control and logical reasoning can one achieve true purpose and meaning of one's self. Your… Friend is nothing more than an illogical, imbecilic fool."

"That's enough, Mr. Hyuuga," Iruka said flatly.

Hinata's face was red, and for once it wasn't from embarrassment or shy nervousness, but anger. She didn't care of what Neji or the rest of the Clan thought of her, but Naruto strived to be the best he could and while he could be brash, unruly and rude, he was never vindictive or judgmental nor did he go out of his way to insult others in an overly harsh manner. Despite his cocky, hotshot attitude most of the time, he had a kind and gentle heart. She could not stand it, hated it even, when others put him down for simply being who he was and not what they wanted him to be.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The _Konoha_ rumbled around them as the vessel accelerated.

Iruka bit back a sigh.

The security station beeped a loud warning.

"SIR! There has been a phaser discharge in the kitchen! Storeroom A!" Cadet Rock Lee shouted as he stood at attention. "Your orders sir?"

His loud voice echoed around the rather compact bridge.

"Who of our security forces are in the immediate area?" Iruka asked in alarm. 'This is just getting better and better...'

"Sasuke Uchiha, he just left the kitchens and was making his way back to Security," reported Lee after he punched a few more buttons on his console.

"Contact him and have him return to the kitchens as a first response," ordered Iruka. "If nothing else, he could provide a presence until we can get a full team down there. Tell him not to engage any hostiles in the area unless absolutely necessary."

"Yes sir!" Lee responded loudly.

Lee cheerfully relayed the information.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha stood in front of the door to Storeroom A. No one in the kitchen seemed to be even aware there was a situation. However, what made him instantly suspicious was the absence of two crew members he had laid eyes upon before he left just minutes prior.

The Head Cook, the El-Aurian- or "Listener" as they were more commonly called- Ayame Ichiraku, and the strangely familiar new girl named Naruko. Whatever was going on here, he was certain it was them who were behind it all.

It was the only logical explanation.

However, before he could investigate further, the door opened up and he was brought face to face with someone who, more often than not, defied all logic. Naruto Uzumaki. Of course, as soon as he gazed upon the face of his rival, he finally put together why the strange new girl was strangely familiar to him in the first place. The whisker marks should have been a dead giveaway.

Naruko was Naruto, Naruto was Naruko.

It was the only logical conclusion.

But it was impossible, as Naruko's dimensions did not quite fit Naruto. A holographic disguise could have been possible, except Sasuke had physically touched her when he pushed passed Naruko as he left and what he felt was most decidedly female. There was also the fact that Naruto wasn't carrying a holographic projector anywhere on his person.

Yes, as usual, and once again, Naruto Uzumaki had defied all logic.

There was a tense silence for a moment, before Naruto spoke.

"Sasuke! Umm... So... What brings you to this neck of the woods?" Naruto asked nervously.

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow.

"One could ask you the same thing." Sasuke was also careful to note the hole in the front of Naruto's shirt, the edges of which looked to have been burn by a phaser beam.

"You know... It's funny you should mention that..." Naruto said while scratching the back of his head.

"Really?" Sasuke asked. "I fail to see the humor in stowing away."

"You fail to see the humor in a lot of things..." Naruto muttered with a scowl.

"What happened here, and how did you get aboard this ship?"

Naruto grinned. "Can you keep a secret?"

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow, as if he was affronted by Naruto's question. When Naruto didn't answer, he reluctantly replied, "Yes..."

"So can I," Naruto stated, chuckling at his own joke. Sasuke, it appeared, didn't find the slightest bit of humor in it at all.

"As Chief of Security, I'm placing you under arrest for stowing away," Sasuke said. "You will come with me."

"And here I thought you'd be happy to see me..." said Naruto with a frown. "I get my phone call, right?"

Sasuke decided to ignore Naruto, and stood back a bit. "Cadet Uzumaki. Come with me."

"All right, all right... Sheesh... You could be a bit nicer you know..." Naruto complained. "And aren't you supposed to read me my rights or somethin'?"

"Are there any you are not aware of?" Sasuke replied blandly.

"Humor me," Naruto smirked in a way that he was sure would infuriate his pointy eared rival.

Ignoring Naruto for the moment, Sasuke looked over at Ayame. "Miss Ichiraku, what happened here?"

Ayame looked startled for a moment and then began to think quickly to formulate an answer. "U-Um... I..."

"She shot me because she thought I was an intruder," Naruto quickly covered.

"You are an intruder," Sasuke replied in a slightly accusing tone. "Miss Ichiraku, if you suspected he was an intruder, why did you not inform me immediately?"

"Well... I wanted to talk to this intruder first," Ayame said. "Try to find out who or what she or he was."

"You are not Security Forces, you are not even Starfleet Personnel," Sasuke admonished her. "You're lucky this intruder was both non-hostile and incompetent. Next time you might not be so lucky."

"Hey, who are you calling incompetent?" Naruto demanded. "I am, after all, number one in class. If I'm incompetent, what does that make you, Mr. Number 2?"

Naruto had the pleasure of seeing Sasuke's right eye twitch ever so slightly. Those stuck-up Vulcan bastards were supposed to be so stoic and emotionless all the time that Naruto couldn't help but try to rile them up now and again.

Sasuke flipped out his communicator. "Captain, I have the intruder. I am taking him to the brig."

_"Sasuke... I thought I ordered you not to engage the potential hostile unless absolutely necessary?"_ asked Iruka with a slightly combative tone.

"I found it to be very necessary, Captain," Sasuke said, turning the communicator camera to view Naruto.

_"Naruto?"_ Iruka groaned. _"What the hell are you doing here?"_

"Well... You see... It's funny you should ask that..." Naruto replied scratching his head.

_"I fail to see the humor in stowing away, Naruto,"_ Iruka scolded his favorite student.

"Odd," Sasuke spoke up, "I believe had similar sentiments."

"Well, I kind of needed to talk to you, Captain," Naruto explained. "About the hearing..."

_"Naruto, I don't have time for this..."_ Iruka sighed tiredly. _"I'll chat with you later."_

"B-But...!" Naruto began to protest.

_"Later."_ Iruka sternly told him as he cut the link.

"Dammit..." Naruto cursed.

Sasuke waited expectantly for Naruto to start moving.

"What!"

"I'm escorting you to the brig," replied Sasuke.

Naruto could feel something odd in the feel of the ship. They were going faster.

"What's going on?" Naruto asked.

"I do not know," Sasuke said.

"Don't know, or don't care?"

"Since there is no change in my current duties, there is nothing for me to be concerned about," replied Sasuke, "Now, are you coming to the brig peacefully, or am I going to have to drag you there?"

"You can't be serious!" declared Naruto.

"Cadet Lieutenant, Naruto, please," Ayame pleaded for the boys to quit their bickering.

"I'm just doing my duty, Miss Ichiraku. The Captain is well aware of where I intend to take you, Naruto, and he said nothing about alternate accommodations, so one can only assume that when he's free to speak with you, he will do so from the opposite side the force field of your holding cell."

"C'mon, tell me what's going on?" Naruto asked pleadingly.

"Let's get going, now, or must I physically move you?"

"Err..." Naruto growled. "If I decided to go peacefully, you'll tell me everything you know?"

Sasuke gave an uncharacteristic sigh. "Fine."

Naruto and Sasuke then left the storage room and removed themselves from the mess decks. When they finally made it to the passageway, Naruto turned to Sasuke. "Now, tell me, what the hell is going on?"

"I do not know," replied Sasuke.

"Oh, c'mon!" Naruto complained in outrage, "You said you'd tell me everything you know!"

"No, I said I'd tell you everything I know about the current situation," corrected Sasuke. "Apart from your part in it, I don't know anything."

"We seem to be moving much faster than before," Ayame commented, following the two cadets.

"If it were anything for any of us to be concerned with, we would be informed by the Captain, Miss Ichiraku," replied Sasuke sternly. "Now it would be best if resumed your duties."

"But I have a very, um... Unusual feeling about the situation," Ayame said.

"Then perhaps you should be resting in your quarters, I am not going to change my decision of arresting Cadet Uzumaki based on 'unusual feelings'," admonished Sasuke. "To do so would be illogical."

"Yes Lieutenant," Ayame sighed. "Just a note: There's no need for you to state something is or isn't logical every single time." She smiled playfully. "Is not logic self-evident?"

"Perhaps, for most," replied Sasuke evenly, but then his eyes cut briefly to Naruto. "Others, however, have no sense of it, whatsoever."

Ayame giggled, while Naruto gasped in astonishment.

"S-Sasuke... Did you... Did you just tell your first joke!" Naruto exclaimed. "This calls for a celebration! Ayame, break out some bottles of Romulan Ale!"

"Even if I were so inclined to celebrate with you, I would not, because not only is Romulan Ale illegal, but I am also on duty," Sasuke rebuked Naruto.

"Just a joke, Sasuke," Naruto said with an easy grin. "You are familiar with-"

One of the screens on the wall flickered to life, and the image of Hinata Hyuuga appeared, her hands politely folded.

"I've got a bad feeling about this..." Ayame mumbled, all amusement leaving her face.

_"Attention all hands, this is Navigator Hinata Hyuuga_," she said. _"We have been diverted to the Van Maanen colony in response to a Priority One alert. Commander Uchiha will be coordinating preparation efforts for evacuation and disaster relief efforts."  
_  
At the mention of the colony, Sasuke's eyes widened a small fraction, but his otherwise detached expression remained largely unchanged. However, despite this, Naruto still noticed.

In the background of the bridge, Ino had the distress call buzzing on her speakers.

And the interference... The sound and feeling of it reached out to Naruto. His memory was called back to the flashback he had just been through.

_"According to our readings,"_ Hinata continued, _"The Priority One Emergency is being cause by some sort of accumulative chakra distortion several miles above the planet's surface. At the current time, it is impossible to determine the cause or source of the disturbance, so our ship is to rendezvous with a small task force to handle the situation."_

Naruto shook his head, the terrible thought crystallizing in a moment. "It's a trap..."

Naruto turned to head for the bridge.

"Where do you think you're going?" Sasuke asked.

"The bridge," Naruto answered. "We're headed into a trap."

"And what makes you think that?" asked Sasuke.

"Just call it a hunch," replied Naruto.

"I don't think so," said Sasuke as he drew his phaser. "You've wasted enough time. I won't have you disrupting anyone else's duties more than you already have."

Naruto cursed. "Fine... We'll do it your way..."

Satisfied, Sasuke holstered his phaser.

"Cadet Lt, was that really necessary?" Ayame asked. Sasuke turned to answer her, but before he could say anything in his defense, Naruto attacked with a powerful double axe handle to the back of Sasuke's head, forcing the Uchiha's knees to buckle and sending him head first into the bulkhead.

"Naruto!" shouted Ayame, as she jumped back from the duo. Unfortunately for Naruto, the security team that was to back up Sasuke arrived just then.

Naruto turned and sprinted down the corridor as fast as he could.

"Stun him!" Shouted one of the security officers.

Naruto felt, rather than heard or saw the phaser of one of the Security officers being raised to shoot him in the back as he ran down the passageway. The phaser beam screamed in the corridor, seemingly hitting Naruto in the back.  
_  
POOF!  
_  
Once the smoke cleared, they saw it was one of their comrades lying in the place where Naruto should have been, much to their own confusion.

Ayame looked behind them and couldn't help her smile.

"YAH!" shouted Naruto as he flat-palm-struck an officer in the back of the head, while sending a kick into the side of another. Taking them quite by surprise, it wasn't hard for Naruto with his advanced hand to hand combat training to completely dismantle the security team in mere seconds.

Naruto turned around and grinned at Ayame. "Not bad huh?"

She merely shook her head at Naruto, as she was the only one who saw the surprised look on his face when he replaced himself with the other security officer. He was just lucky that he was the first to recover from his shock before they realized he was right behind them.

Naruto shrugged and ran for the turbolift as Sasuke began to get up.

"All sections, intruder alert!" Sasuke shouted into his communicator.

Naruto dove into the turbolift and skidded to a halt. "Bridge!" He ordered the computer, and it went up at high speed.

Sasuke cursed himself, because he knew he was already too late.

* * *

_Well, people keep asking for me to put up more for this story, so like the review whore I am-Er, I mean, the... Lover of positive feedback I am, I posted it up! Sadly, for now there are no more chapters, and won't be until MandalorianJedi returns from wherever he's gone. But I'm going to set out on an epic quest to find him so we can get more written up. Stay tuned!_


	44. Mystery Naruto Theater 3000 2

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Here's some more Mystery Naruto Theater 3000. _

_

* * *

_

*On the whole meeting Pein in the paper house thing*

Naruto: *As Pein* "Hello Naruto Uzumaki. Welcome to my... Lair."

Hinata: The dr-dramatic reveal small dogs and children in the audience saw coming from a mile away-Ow!

Naruto: You okay, Hina-chan?

Hinata: Still recovering from, you know, being stabbed through the chest.

Naruto: I do appreciate that, you know. *He cuddles her* Here, let me help you feel better...

Chouji: Get a room... Preferably not a paper one.

*Naruto and Pein talk*

Chouji: *sniffles, in Pein's voice* "I-I just needed a hug!"

Naruto: This is what paper mache architecture gets you, folks-The fumes will fuck you up.

Hinata: "What do you mean my breath stinks? I brush after stuffing my fingers down my throat! Every time!"

Chouji: *As Konan* Screw you Pein, I'mma going home!

Naruto: *As Pein* But-

Chouji: Nonono! Screw you, home!

Hinata: *sniffs* You never liked my art! Heathen!

* * *

_On Sakura's "confession"..._

Hinata: *As Sakura* Aren't I just an adorable, conniving bitch? Tee hee!

Sai: Blackmail and guilt, the foundations of ANY real relationship.

Naruto: Remember when things were, ya know, fun?

Hinata and Sai: Nope.

Naruto: Me neither.

* * *

_On the "Sharingarm"_

Naruto: *As Danzo* Masturbation got old _real_ fast, I can tell you.

Sai: Not really. He's used it in contests, trying to perfect his aim, study the trajec-

Hinata and Naruto: *fingers in ears* LALALALALALA NOT LISTENING!

* * *

_On Naruto's Blue Screen of Death Moment_

Naruto: No... Sasuke is... Friend! But Sasuke is, murdering douchebag? Friend... Bad? Bad... Friend...? Not logical! Not logical! Please explain!

Hinata: Honey, honey, stop, you're going to give yourself a stroke.

Sai: Or turn into William Shatner.

Naruto: *Kirk Moment* Of all the souls I've known, his was the most... Emo!

Hinata: I don't think it really applies to him anymore, Naruto.

Sai: Actually, it applies a little more to you nowadays...

Naruto: Oh hey! Come on now, I am SO not emo!

* * *

_By Targaryen:_

Tsunade, on rasenshuriken : Naruto, you should never use this technique again. The damage to your arm is just too great!

Naruto, in chair : Or I could just use it with shadow clones. It's not like I demonstrated my ability to do so just a few hours ago or anything...

Chouji leans across and grabs popcorn : Yeah, I know how you feel man. I mean, until I used the red pill the Nara were just sitting on information that could save our lives. Seriously, what the hell?

Hinata : Indeed. I myself was wondering why a single medic nin was able to fix in seconds damage to my heart that no-one in konoha was able to fix over the preceding month.

Naruto, watching a clone fool Sakura at the start of the series : Yeah, look at me work it. I've definitely got the moves.

Chouji : You do realise she thinks you're Sasuke.

Naruto : Pft. She may think it's Sasuke, but that's all me putting on the moves out there. I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm collected. I have the mojo.

Chouji : Makes me wonder why you don't do it all the time.

Naruto : ...

Chouji: Well clearly, you know how to chat up girls, and you know how girls like guys to act. Begs the question of why you normally act like an enormous gimp around girls

Naruto : ...

Chouji : Come on man, you could have had a harem already if you always acted like that.

Naruto : I blame the creator. At least I still have Oiroke-chan.

Chouji : ...I'd hit that.

* * *

_On the "Mizuki Strikes Back" arc..._

Naruto: Be sure to visit scenic Konoha Volcano Correctional Facility! Take the tour! See the sights! Enjoy the closest thing to hell money can buy!

Hinata: *As Mizuki* _It puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again..._

Chouji: The Legendary Stupid Brothers? Are you kidding?

Naruto: Did they get Scott Adams to design them?

Hinata: I could see them being very successful in the business world...

* * *

_By Spaz_

_*At the Waterfall of Reflection*_

_Out of the waterfall comes the 'dark' reflection of Naruto. He opens his mouth to spe-_

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror!" Naruto sung.

"Hey, that's way too early to reference Michael Jackson! Besides, that's a waterfall, not a mirror. I know you're supposed to be dumb, but come on!" Chouji reprimanded.

All the while, Hinata started humming the Imperial March.

_*Entrance to behind the Waterfall*_

"A whole new world!" Naruto chanted.

"A brand new place, I've never seen!" Hinata added.

"No one to tell us no, or where to go!" Chouji continued.

_*Tsunade's recovery*_

_"Tsunade-sama, you really shouldn't be eating so much!"_

"So that's why her tits are so huge!" Naruto exclaimed.

"They are inflating as we speak!" Chouji admired in mock awe.

"Aaaaand this is where we cross the line from funny to fetish." Hinata warned.

"As if your 'growth spurt' was any different?" Naruto answered.

"I didn't hear you complaining~" Hinata retorted.

"Point taken."

_*Boat ride to Bee's island*_

"I'm gonna be king of the pira-" Naruto repeated.

"No." Hinata cut him off.

"I'm on a boat aaaaand it's going fa-" Chouji sung.

"No!" Hinata got him that time too.

"But why not?" the boys replied in harmony.

"Because there are too many references we can make this time around! What's next, _Pirates of the Caribbean_?"

"Yo ho!"

"No rapping till we get till the island!"

_*Sasuke vs. Kakashi*_

" 'I could never forgive you. You killed my father!' " Naruto said in mock of Sasuke.

" 'No Sasuke. I, am your father.' " Chouji repeated in Kakashi's voice.

"Guys, they are SO not worthy of Star Wars."

* * *

_**Sasuke Retrieval Arc**_

_Temari comes to assist Shikamaru_

Tayuya: _Who are you?_

Hinata: No profanity? She must be really scared.

Temari: _Konoha's allies..._

_Kankuro has come to assist Kiba_

Kankuro: _The Sand..._

Chouji: I'm Batman!

_Gaara has come to aid Lee_

Gaara: _Shinobi!_

Naruto: And not a bantha between them. Some sand people you are!

Hinata: Sand Shinobi, not sand people.

_After Temari kills Tayuya_

Temari: _*having just killed Tayuya* Well, it's over..._

Naruto: OR IS IT? ... Yeah it is.

Shikamaru: _What a violent person. She's even scarier than my mom._

Hinata: *As Shikamaru* Th-That was sooo hot.

_Gaara vs. Kimimaro_

Kimimaro: _Without sand, you can't do anything._

Gaara: _As long as I have sand, I can do everything.  
_  
Naruto: *as Gaara* Except regrow my eyebrows.

Chouji: Maybe if I furrow them more...

_First bit of Naruto vs. Sasuke_

Naruto: _What do you think your comrades in Konoha are?_

Hinata: Ch-Chewy and nutritious?

*Naruto jumps at Sasuke and punches him.*

Hinata: Naruto-kun, could you emphasize the yaoi any more?

Naruto: Oh come on, all I did was jump him... Um... Straddling his thighs, leaning my face close to his... Getting on top... I give up!

Chouji: Okay, I award this scene the Congressional Medal of Gay.

Naruto: I WAS JUST CONFUSED!

Sasuke:_ ...Comrades? Have I become stronger while staying with those comrades? I'm going to where Orochimaru is._

Hinata: *Russian Accent* Da sveedanyah, Comrade!

Naruto: *Sasuke* Where is that by the way? He didn't give me directions...

Naruto: _Orochimaru is the one who killed the Third and tried to destroy Konoha! Do you really think he'll give you power for free? He just wants your body as a container!_

Naruto: He's spoiling in his current one, didn't close the lid correctly!

Naruto: _You might never come back! You might die! There's no way I could just let you go to a place like that!_

Chouji: No matter how much free candy he offers, it's a trap! A TRAP!

Sasuke: _...I don't care about that. If I can achieve my objective, then it's all fine._

Hinata: Becoming the main character!

Sasuke: _If you're going to get in my way, then I have no choice._

Chouji: I'm going to pout at you until you perish, mwahahahaha!

Naruto:_ You won't be able to. I'm going to take you back, by force if I have to!_

Hinata: And by acceleration if that doesn't work!

Chouji: Don't forget mass!

Naruto: Of course _you_ wouldn't.

Chouji: Are you calling me fat?

Naruto: No no no, no! Just saying... Ah... Help me out here Hinata-chan?

* * *

_On the Bee Clan filler arc, Naruto seeing Hinata at the waterfall:_

Naruto: _Woah... Who is that girl?_

Hinata: *Naruto* I certainly don't know any girls with a body and haircut like, dattebayo! Especially not on this mission with me!

Naruto: I um... Was distracted. Too much blood going somewhere else...

Hinata: I could have taken care of that for you~...

Kiba: Oh would you two fuck already?

* * *

_I'm going to Belize for the next two weeks, so I decided to get this out there before I went off the grid. Archaeology field work, you know._


	45. Around a Distant Star

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew Gillespie

_Disclaimer__: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

_Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_

* * *

_

Interstellar navigation was not difficult if you had the tools, even at relativistic speeds. The stars ahead of you shifted hard into the blue spectrum, and the stars behind you shifted far into red. You kept on course, because even with the increased radiation and relativistic effects, light was light and motion was motion. Even a trip of centuries required only minor adjustment to arrive at your destination on time.

So, the Hail Mary came to the solar system designated HD 146233-Better known as 18 Scorpii. Metallicity level 1.04 times that of Sol, which was over 45 lightyears behind them. Ten planets circled the star: Four were massive gas giants, supporting swarms of moons with several Earth sized or around that. Five were rocky, terrestrial planets-Four of them huge, rocky worlds with massively abundant resources but no breathable atmosphere. In just the right spot though, there sat the blue point of light telescopes in Sol had sighted over 50 years previously-A second Earth.

A solar system like this, with humans packing the latest technology as of the 2100s, turning it into a major hub of humanity's efforts to colonize and explore space seemed likely. Gas giants and water-ice and liquid-offered hydrogen isotopes for fuel, the rocky worlds and numerous moons and asteroids offered metals and other elements for construction, the habitable world could provide food and shelter. The Hail Mary was a beast of a ramscoop starship, designed to get thousands of colonists there at 90 percent cee, opening the way for further colonization. More ships followed over the centuries.

No response was received. At first it was expected-The transmissions were bound by the laws of physics, they would take time to arrive. But nothing ever was received. Not from the first ship, not from the last. Over the next six centuries humanity expanded, grew, made first contacts, and gained the ability to travel faster than light.

Finally, after peace was won and prosperity became the order of the day, Earth and her colonies began to send ships out with FTL drives to find out the fates of lost ships and colonies-Including 18 Scorpii.

Meanwhile, on the world 18 Scorpii (known by it's inhabitants now as Nihongo), a young boy with dreams of becoming an Hokage discovers a strange vehicle, centuries old, hidden in a temple and damned as an abomination to the Sage of the Six Paths. And from this shuttle, he learns of the starship, long abandoned by his ancestors, that still orbits overhead. A starship that, with it's arrival, signaled to refugees hundreds of years ago that someone was here.

Naruto Uzumaki discovers the legacy of his ancestors, and the unimaginable wonder and terror that it brings...

* * *

The shuttle came to a stop, shaking slightly. Naruto didn't know what had brought his sudden journey to a stop, but he wasn't complaining. Maybe now he could figure out where this crazy thing had brought him. He'd been stuck in here for at least an hour, and all his fiddling hadn't gotten him any further.

_Might be a trap,_ Naruto thought aloud, as he looked over at the back hatch of the shuttle. All sorts of mechanical whirs and clanks sounded behind it, and finally, the doors opened. Naruto felt himself be pushed down onto the deck, gravity reasserting himself. He looked around in a bit of shock-The windowless vehicle hadn't had any gravity on the way up, he'd had to stick to the walls with chakra.

Now though, he felt properly heavy.

_Very weird,_ he thought. A ladder slid down from above, and Naruto looked into the darkness. He shook his head.

_Well, I'm not going to get answers here,_ he decided. Using chakra to stick to the ladder, he ascended, moving up into whatever the ship had stopped.

The interior was light gray and blue, he thought. It was bathed in a low green light, making it hard to tell, and the air felt old and stale. Naruto took slow breaths and looked back and forth. There was a sign in front of him, written in simple letters he could just make out-"Bridge".

"Hmm..." He'd read enough scifi comics to know what that was. So, in the interest of figuring out what the hell was going on, he climbed up and followed the sign along the curving corridor. He noted all the handholds and velcro on the walls, as well as compartments.

He made it to a larger room, with a dome in front of him, ahead of various control panels and seats, arranged kind of like a boat's bridge. Two chairs were in front of the dome, and the panels in front of them included levers and a few joysticks. Naruto, curious, sat down in the right-side chair and looked it over. He then tapped the control panel.

Everything immediately lit up, and Naruto jumped as a blue-haired girl appeared in front of him.

"Ack!"

"Hello. Please identify yourself," the girl asked, her blue eyes staring intently into his.

"Naruto Uzumaki?" He said. The girl processed this for a moment, before nodding and smiling.

"Hello, Naruto Uzumaki. I am Mary. How may I be of assistance?"

"Ah... Well... Where am I?" Naruto asked. "And who are you?"

"One moment," Mary said. Over her head appeared a solar system, like the models Naruto had seen at the Academy on occasion. Sakura had done a science fair project once of the solar system, which is how he remembered it.

There were ten planets, all orbiting one star. The fourth planet was expanded, until it was the size of one of Naruto's Rasengans. The moon of the planet remained in sight, about a eighth the size of the planet. To the side of the moon (placing the moon between it and the planet) was a spear-shaped object with a round shield at the end and a cylinder in the center. A red path was mapped out, indicating what Naruto assumed was the course of the ship.

_A spaceship..._

"This is the ESS _Hail Mary_, a ramscoop starship launched from Earth AD 2289," Mary said. "Mission was to colonize 18 Scorpii system. 10 planets, one Earth-type. Five gas giants, four-hundred and ninety moons. Ample resources for further expansion of colonization and exploration missions."

"Earth?" Naruto asked. Mary frowned. Naruto shook his head. "How long ago was that?"

"Six-hundred and fifty Earth years," Mary reported. Naruto's eyes bugged out.

"That long?"

"Near-light transit to 18 Scorpii from Earth required 47 Realtime years," Mary reported.

Naruto shook his head. "You... You've been up here for that long?"

"Yes," Mary said. "I have been in sleep mode for six hundred and twenty-eight years. Programmed to maintain orbit around the moon of 18 Scorpii C."

"Why?"

"To follow user Sage's last orders."

Naruto's jaw dropped.

"Sage?" He shook his head. "What were those orders?"

"To maintain orbit behind the moon and prevent colonists and their descendants from learning about Earth or origin of humanity."

"Why?"

Mary tilted her head. "To prevent further conflict."

Naruto stared in disbelief. Mary stared back. She blinked.

"I take it the Sage was unsuccessful?"

"... Damn straight!" Naruto said.

"Ah. And what are your intentions, Naruto Uzumaki?"

Naruto smiled grimly. "Make sure it happens."

Naruto was a fairly fast learner, when it came to ninjutsu. Starships were a little harder to work out. The practical stuff, like how to pilot the _Hail Mary_, came pretty easily. A matter of directing force. At least, that was the theory.

"Okay, so... This is the throttle for the main drive," Naruto said, holding the lever in question. Mary nodded with a cheerful smile.

"Yes! And that is the joystick for the main drive."

"Well then, let's start this baby up!" Naruto said cheerfully. He threw the throttle to full, and the entire ship hummed with power as her stardrive went online for the first time in centuries.

Naruto did not expect the intense acceleration, and was pressed back into his seat. "OOF!"

"Please note, maximum acceleration rating on this starship, manned, is six gees. You are rapidly passing 7," Mary warned calmly.

Naruto did not speak, only watching out the forward dome as the Moon began to move out of his way, leaving only a bright blue orb in front of the _Hail Mary._ Naruto gasped, seeing this, his home. Shadow, Mary had called it. He couldn't see a shadow now...

"Please, Naruto Uzumaki! De-throttle!" Mary warned. Naruto did so, throwing the lever back. The acceleration quickly died, and Naruto felt thrown forward.

"Gah...!"

"Velocity increased to 21,000 km/hr," Mary said. "We are entering a wider orbit around Shadow, possible Impulse Orbit. Calculating..." Mary shook her head. "Insertion possible for slingshot around 18 Scorpii B in two months..."

"I don't want to slingshot around anywhere!" Naruto shouted. "How do you slow this thing down?"

A rapid number of instructions appeared in front of Naruto's eyes. "Please take the RCS controls and reverse orientation. Then fire main stardrive for ten seconds at full burn."

Naruto grabbed the indicated joystick and fired the RCS thrusters, a bit haphazardly. All the same, Mary's holographic cues got him back on track, and Naruto went full burn once more.

"Urgh...!" He gritted his teeth.

"Wow, 10 gees!" Mary said, impressed. "Please stop now!"

"Nngh... Urgh... GAH!" Naruto pulled the throttle back, and the gees returned to normal. He took deep breaths, managing to feel less like he'd been squished into a can and more like normal.

"Geez... How'd they stand this?" Naruto asked.

"Well, the _Hail Mary_ left Earth at a continuous acceleration of 1 gee, rather than 10 gees. 10 gees was for emergencies only," Mary explained. "It is impressive you withstood such force. My records indicate most of the colonists would have died from such acceleration."

"Good... For me..." Naruto said with a grin.

"I advise not starting up the stardrive in the solar system again," Mary said. "The plume from the fusion drive was used to carve roads in the surface of Shadow. That, however, was before the colony was settled. Using it now would result in many deaths," Mary said.

"Roads?" Naruto asked. "Show me?"

Mary directed Naruto on how to use the RCS thrusters to put Shadow back in his view. Mary zoomed in, and Naruto saw Konoha, Sunagakure, Iwagakure, all the great ninja villages. In addition, he saw the great cities of the Elemental Countries-Hikyo, the Flame of the West and capital of Fire Country. Kaminawa, the Northwestern City of the Storm. Even Wave Country was visible.

All of them connected by perfectly straight lines. Naruto shook his head. He'd never seen these before, not from this height. It looked as though every country was linked together, united.

Was this what his ancestors intended? A new home...

"Mary...?"

"Yes?"

"... Tell me about the colonists. And about... Earth," Naruto said.

* * *

_Random plot bunny, free to a good home. I encourage you to read Larry Niven's works or some other really great hard scifi writers before embarking on it. Review please._


	46. Two Hyuuga Honeys War 1

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew Gillespie

_Disclaimer__: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

_Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Here's another bit involving a Female!Neji and Naruto pairing. I do have a lemon involving the pairing (along with Naruto/Hinata and Sasuke/Tenten in the background) but I'm not sure if I should post it here or as it's own story._

_

* * *

_

Naruto gulped. Ever since beating Neji in the Chuunin Exams, and the invasion afterwards, the pretty Hyuuga had seemed to show up everywhere he went!

Okay, sure, he wouldn't have even noticed her without some of that training Ero-Sennin gave him, but now he was wondering if he wouldn't have been better off not knowing. She followed and watching him _all the time!_

And she didn't seem to be the only Hyuuga to be doing it, either! Hinata was following him around too! Just what was going on?

Finally, he'd had enough. Walking down the street, mindful of Neji stalking him from the rooftops, he turned off casually to head for a training area. He glanced back to see if she was still behind him, turning back when he lost track of her...

"Dwah!" He yelped, as Neji was suddenly standing right in front of him. He gawked in disbelief as she stood there, calmly, wearing an odd white robe.

"Neji! Uh, hi! Um..."

"I know you know I've been watching you, Uzumaki Naruto," she stated evenly. Naruto blinked and then scowled. She made it sound as though he was the one doing something wrong!

"Yeah? So? Why are you stalking me anyway?"

"I wanted to get your opinion on something," the Hyuuga Branch House princess stated, her cheeks turning slightly red. Naruto blinked.

"Er... Okay...?"

Neji opened her robe and let it drop, pooling at her feet. Naruto followed the progress of the robe with his eyes, and slowly looked back up. His face flushed bright red and his jaw dropped. Neji's own blush grew a bit as she stood perfectly still in tight, form-fitting green spandex.

"How do I look in this?" She asked quietly. Naruto tried to speak, but the fact Neji's impressive breasts shook slightly when she fidgeted blasted away his ability to speak. He continued to gape and stare, making Neji blush even harder.

Even so, she couldn't help a smirk at the aghast face of her cousin, watching the scene from a distance.

_Oh yes, Hinata-sama... Seems you just can't stand against the power of youth,_ she thought cattily.

* * *

_Round 1 to Nejiko. What will Hinata's retaliatory strike look like? Stay tuned!_


	47. Hyuuga Honeys Lemon 1

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer__: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

_Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_This is a lemon take on the aftermath of Naruto and Female!Neji's fight. I'm still trying to determine which route to go with for "Hyuuga Honeys": Romantic comedy or romantic comedy lemon. All the same, take a look and tell me what you think._

_Also: _**LEMON WARNING! LEMON WARNING! Don't complain that I didn't warn you because I so did! In bold letters no less! LEMON! That means sex and naughty things going on between two ostensibly legal-aged (for the purposes of this fic) ninjas! If such things offend you, then don't read it! And if you're under 18 you should definitely NOT read it. You can't get your parents to pin this one on me, they'll never take me alive! LEMON! WARNING! Get it?  
**

**Good.**

* * *

Naruto really couldn't believe it. It had been two days since they'd returned to Konoha, and he hadn't seen any sign of Neji. After being away for two months, the young genin had hoped to see his girlfriend.

He wondered if she was mad about leaving so suddenly. After all, they'd only been boyfriend and girlfriend for a few days before he'd had to leave...

* * *

The hospital room door creaked open, and quiet footsteps bounced into Naruto's ears. The blonde opened his eyes and managed to look from his bed, though the action itself was surprisingly tiring.

"Eh?" He croaked. Hyuuga Neji stood before him, gazing down at his face with an odd look on hers.

"Neji?" He managed. "What... What are you doing here?"

The girl averted her gaze, but couldn't hide the redness on her cheeks. "I... I wanted to, um..." She took a deep breath, and managed to look at him.

"I wanted to thank you."

Naruto blinked back. "What for?" It seemed a bit surreal to have somebody thank you for beating them up.

"For knocking some sense into me, like you did," Neji explained softly. "My uncle, he... He told me about my father's death. He told my uncle to, um, look after me for him."

"Oh... So... I was right, huh?" Naruto asked. Neji smiled a bit.

"Yes... I shouldn't let fate dictate how I live. So, again... Thank you, Naruto."

Naruto stared back for a moment longer, before he smiled warmly back.

"You're welcome."

Her eyes widened a bit, and she quickly averted her eyes again. "Ah..."

Naruto's smile turned into a look of confusion. "Eh? Hey, what's with you anyway?"

"With me?"

"You're acting weird."

Neji gripped one of her arms, still shyly looking away.

"Um... well, it's just that..." Her white eyes found his. "That was my first kiss."

Blood rushed to Naruto's cheeks, and he rubbed the back of his head with a grin.

"Ah, well... M-Mine too..." _With a girl, anyway,_ he thought. At the time, it had been the only thing he could think of to A: Distract her so he could get in a counter-strike, and B: Make her shut up. In hindsight, it had been quick but... Well, better than the pain of having all your tenketsu sealed.

"Well... It was nice," Neji said quietly. Naruto blinked at her, and her blush deepened. His mind couldn't help the thought of how cute she looked.

"Um, well... Yeah," Naruto managed.

"And... And I'd like to do it again... Sometime," she murmured, moving just a little bit closer to him. Absently, he noticed that her hand was incredibly soft and smooth. A moment of thought later established that Neji's hand was over his own. _When did that get there?_

"Um... M-Me too?" Naruto's mouth spoke, even as a part of his brain began yelling about Sakura-chan. That part was gagged the moment Neji leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.

It was beaten with a brick in a sock and tossed down an elevator shaft when her arms came around his neck. And the elevator promptly slammed down upon it the moment Naruto's arms found their way around Neji's waist.

"Mmm..."

It was funny how just touching her lips and holding her close made him feel so warm. His nose pressed against hers, and she pushed closer, gently nuzzling him.

"Hnn..."

Through the fuzziness of the warm sensation, Naruto remembered something out of a magazine he'd seen... Somewhere... Ah what the hell. With the memory guiding him, his tongue pressed against the inside of his mouth, and found it's way to touch the entrance to Neji's. The Hyuuga girl froze for only a moment, before her lips slowly parted.

Naruto's tongue slipped inside, and in that moment, what had been warm and fuzzy became _hot_ and needy. Her tongue's touch against his was electric, and both genin immediately sought to deepen their connection, both mouths opening wider. The hot suction between them allowed their tongue to twist and curl around eachother. He could feel her moan through her mouth, and he found himself laying back, dragging into the bed on top of him.

"Hnnyah..." Neji broke the kiss and licked Naruto's lips one last time. Naruto opened his eyes and stared back into the girl's eyes. They'd changed tone so much compared to when he'd last seen them. Rather than disdain, anger and contempt, there was a warmth in her gaze, a softness from letting go.

"Haa... Haa..."

"That... That was good," Naruto managed. Neji nodded, her tongue darting out around pouty, swollen lips. Naruto's eyes were firmly locked upon them, all sorts of thoughts emerging in his head. He managed to lock onto the least perverted, and it came out his mouth.

"Want to... Be my girlfriend?"

Neji's blush brightened, and she averted her gaze again. It really was cute, he thought.

"Would... Would you let me?"

Naruto's eyes bulged in disbelief.

"Of course!" As her eyes settled on him again, he found himself growing bashful. "Er, um... If you want, I mean..."

Neji answered him with a deep kiss, which he eagerly returned. She straddled him, throwing a long leg over his thighs and settling right down on top. Her shorts were so tight, so thin, that pressing against his cock like this... He groaned loudly into her mouth at the sensation, his already rock hard member pressing up against her through his thin hospital blanket and gown.

"Ah!" She gasped in surprise, breaking the kiss. Naruto's own face turned dark red.

"Ah, um..." He tried to say _something_, but nothing would come. Her soft, hot weight against his penis was just too distracting. The realization of what she was on reached Neji's brain, and her face turned just as red as Naruto's.

"Ah... Um...N-Neji, I-Neji?" She raised herself up off his lap, and for a moment Naruto thought she was about to get away from him entirely. His distracted frame of mind only caught onto what she was doing when the blanket came off him entirely.

"Huh? N-Neji-chan, what are you-HA?"

Her hands... His eyes went down from her blushing face to her hands. Both wrapped around his cock. Instinct pushed his hips up, and he groaned as her grip remained.

"Ah... N-Neji-chan... I... Ah..." Her hands began to move, stroking him up and down. Naruto could only stare, mouth open widely, as the Hyuuga girl started to jerk him off: Her face bright red, but her eyes firmly locked on his.

"N-Neji-chan... Neji-chan, it..."

"H-How does it feel?" The girl asked softly. Naruto groaned. Was she kidding? Her hands were unbelievably soft, like warm silk wrapped around muscle. His slit was already producing a copious amount of precum, and as her hands stroked him, they lubricated his member, letting her stroke him even more smoothly. He shuddered and groaned as she closed her fist around his head, while her other hand stroked the rest of his cock.

"It-It feels good... R-Really good," Naruto managed. Neji nodded, and, her blush crawling down her neck, she slid back to the end of his bed. Her face lowered itself to stare at his cock, her hands not skipping a beat. Naruto sucked in a deep breath.

"N-Neji-chan, it-AH?" A deep breath of her own, and Neji wrapped her lips around his cock. Stretched around the barrel of the large organ, her lips began to go up and down. Naruto's eyes rolled back into his head. It was all too much for the pre-teen, and heralded by a gasp of her name he came in a flood.

"Mmph?" Neji found herself having to swallow the cum as quickly as she could, or risk choking. There was just so much, it threatened to escape between his cock and her lips. The hard spurts nearly hitting the back of her throat both made it more difficult for her and increased the heat between her own legs.

"Ahh... Ahhh..." Naruto felt limp as his balls finished emptying their load. A dopey smile came over his face as he watched Neji-chan dutifully swallow every drop, before releasing his cock with a small gasp for breath.

"Haa..."

"Ahh... N-Neji..."

She licked her lips, and a predatory expression came over her face. Her hand returned to his cock, and began stroking furiously.

"Ahhh! N-Neji, what are you-?"

"Again," she murmured, moving over him once more. Her lips crashed against his, and her tongue, as though carried by momentum, rammed into his mouth. Her passion was transferred through their liplock, and Naruto embraced her tightly as her strokes increased in speed.

_Oh shit… It feels so good…_ His hands found their way around her back to her front, and through her vest he found her breasts. He tugged the vest open and squeezed her tits through her tight wrappings, getting another deep moan from her mouth to his. That single reaction pushed all other thoughts out of his head aside from wanting to hear her make that sound _more_, any way he could.

Her scent changed as Naruto continued to grope and fondle her breasts. A scent that immediately had Naruto's complete attention. His eyes turned red for just a moment, but it was long enough for his hands to find her shorts and panties, and tear them off in the same motion.

"EEP!" Neji cried out in shock. She opened her mouth to protest, but was silenced by Naruto's eager kiss. The moment his hands found her pert, bare ass, she groaned, all thoughts of resistance or protest fading away.

"Mnngh..." Naruto broke the kiss and growled low in his throat. Neji squeaked as he squeezed her buttocks in both hands, and made the sound again as he repeated the action.

"Haaa..." He felt a bit of hot fluid drip down onto his cock, and he looked down. Her sex was scant centimeters from his rallying member, pure pink lips glistening from her arousal. The lack of any hair on her sex made his dick twitch. Neji looked down, following his gaze, and her blush grew even deeper.

"Ah..."

"Open it," Naruto growled. The Hyuuga girl looked back at him, a bit confused.

"Open it," he insisted again. "I want to see..."

Neji shivered, and with a deep breath, her smooth hands slid down Naruto's body to cover her sex. With another deep breath, she pulled the petals of her flower open. Naruto's mouth watered at the sight-Her entrance drooling with her fluids, her small clitoris peeking out from under it's hood...

Another drop of her juices dripped onto the head of his cock, as Neji blushed all the way down between her breasts.

"Ahh... N-Naruto..." She whispered. The blonde slowly raised his hips, the tip of his swollen member pressing up against her entrance in a perfect fit. Neji sucked in a deep breath and shivered again.

"Is it okay?" Naruto murmured back. His hands squeezed her ass again, eliciting a soft moan from Neji. The kunoichi licked her lips and, slowly, pressed herself down. The head of Naruto's cock (circumcised, a distant feeling part of her brain noted) spread her open just enough to get inside. Her channel closed around him, as her lips had done so mere minutes before.

"Ohhhh..."

Naruto groaned back in response. She was so _hot_ inside, and tight... It was better than her mouth and he wasn't even all the way in!

"Hnnngh..." He pushed up his hips and pulled down on hers, and she complied, taking more of his cock into her pussy. Naruto drooled at the sight and sensations, and Neji let out a lustful sigh as she was spread open by the thick intruder.

"Ahhh... D-Deeper," she moaned. Naruto complied, slowly pushing his way up into her sex. It was slow going-Every gain was difficult to make with how tight she was. Naruto gritted his teeth at the half-way point, and instinct intervened again. He pulled out just a little, before quickly thrusting back in.

"AH!" Neji cried out in surprise and pleasure. Seeing she enjoyed the sensation, Naruto pulled back and thrust in again. Neji began to move with him, pulling back a little as he did and then moving into his thrusts.

"F-Feel good, Neji-chan?" Naruto rasped, tightening his grip on the girls' firm buttocks to thrust into her harder. Neji moaned and nodded happily, her soft hands leaving her sex to grip Naruto's shoulders.

"Y-Yes... Yes..."

The two teenagers synchronized their movements perfectly, Naruto's member thrusting deeper and harder into Neji's gripping sheath. Their cries and moans grew louder, and after his first orgasm, Naruto was able to detect patterns in Neji's sounds.

A hard thrust got a gasp. Angling a little bit up got a squeak and deepened her adorable blush. Shifting from side to side inside her got a low moan.

However, even Neji's blowjob couldn't hold back his second orgasm-Especially when he was almost completely inside her even better pussy.

"N-Neji-chan, I'm gonna cum," he groaned, giving up on experimentation and just flat out fucking up into her soaked sheath. Neji bounced on top of him, moaning in bliss.

"D-Do it! Uwah! Ah! Ah! Ah-!" Her cries were cut off when she felt the head of Naruto's cock press squarely against her cervix. Her eyes bulged as, with a loud groan, Naruto's orgasm flooded her. She could feel his seed shoot right into her womb, just before her own orgasm exploded like a bomb.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" It was like her insides were on fire, flashing through her body on every nerve. Her chakra flared around her, lifting her hair around her as Naruto's aura joined hers. Neji sobbed as the good feelings filled her to the boiling point, and bubbled over, her climax made strong enough for her to squirt all over Naruto's stomach and chest.

"AHH! Ahhh... Ahhh..."

The energy faded, and Neji, lightheaded, moaned as she felt Naruto's last spurts of his cum into her welcoming sex.

"Haaa... Haaa..." Naruto panted beneath her, staring up at her with a dopey smile. She smiled back as she tried to get back her own breath.

"U... Uwaahh..." She leaned down and kissed him, and he returned the gesture. She felt so _good_...

"Mmngh..." Naruto broke the kiss and nuzzled her. Neji kissed him back affectionately.

"Haaa..."

Neji shifted, and slowly slid off Naruto's cock. She sighed as she released his member, which was left limp.

"That... That was incredible," Naruto said. Neji nodded, biting her lower lip as more of her lover's cum drained from her sex. Naruto looked down, noticed... And his cock began to harden, again. Neji licked her lips at this, and looked into Naruto's eyes.

"Want to do it again?" She whispered. Naruto nodded.

"Yeah..."

Neji quickly divested herself of her remaining clothing, including her chest wrappings. With her small but perky breasts freed, she slowly got on all fours and turned around. Naruto's jaw fell again at the picture she made-Completely naked, firm ass in the air, pert breasts hanging down enticingly, her opened pussy dripping with their mixed cum...

She looked over her shoulder with doe eyes, and licked her lips.

"Do it as... As many times as you like," she moaned.

Injuries completely forgotten, Naruto was up and inside Neji's tight pussy once more, pounding into the Hyuuga girl. Neji's happy cries and wails filled the room, but fortunately, the close door served as an excellent sound dampener.

* * *

Naruto drooled over the memory, and the other memories that followed. God, being with Neji was just _awesome_. He'd missed everything about her during the trip-Her smile, her scent, her sex... The thought of seeing and fucking her again had added to his incredible determination to master the Rasengan.

But where was she? Why couldn't he find her? He'd even gone to the Hyuuga mansion, but they had been told she wasn't there. Had something happened?

He was so worried and concerned that not only did the speech go unnoticed, but so too did the female figure creeping up behind him...

* * *

_Cliffhanger. If enough people want me to continue writing in this vein then I'll make the sequel. And no, this is not blackmail in an attempt to get more reviews. Really.  
_


	48. Time Loop Lemon 1

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Due to my wish to keep you guys entertained, but also due to the fact I have little time to write more material, I've been digging around my archives for older snippets and stories I've written for you guys. At this point I probably have at least half a million words written for Naruto alone. So, here's the first of a number of perverted time loop chapters. This one has the theme of Naruto not remembering previous time loops, but his lovers from previous loops remembering them. And the only way to reawaken his memories are… Well… You'll see._

_**WARNING: This is a LEMON. Don't say I didn't warn you and complain about it because I WARNED YOU. All right? All right.**_

* * *

The bathroom door slowly opened, and Naruto peered inside, frowning. He really didn't know why Ino Yamanaka, of all people, had asked him to come here. Before, she hadn't paid him any attention, or had just laughed derisively whenever he'd made a fool of himself.

Which was more times than he cared to admit. So he came into the dark bathroom, thinking himself ready for anything.

_Click!_

The lights came on. Naruto turned, fists raised, prepared to do battle...

With a sexily smirking Ino Yamanaka, laying across the bathroom counter, wearing a pair of cat ears and a tail. She _slinked_ off of the counter and knelt down in front of the shocked Naruto, purring and nuzzling his crotch.

"Naruto-sama, thank you for coming," she said, quickly unzipping his pants and reaching into his boxers. Naruto's eyes got _really_ big as she pulled out his rapidly hardening cock, cooing in joy when she saw it.

"Ohhh... Is this for me? Thank you, Naruto-sama~," Ino moaned, putting her pouty lips over the head of his dick and beginning to suck. Naruto gasped.

"I-Ino? Wh-What the-?"

"Shh," Ino soothed, jerking Naruto off as she took her hot mouth off his member for just a moment. Naruto moaned, eyes rolling back, knees bending.

"Let me take care of this for you, Naruto-sama... And then you'll take care of me, nyah~," Ino mewled, before taking Naruto's cock into her mouth and going to town on him. The blonde moaned and groaned as she bobbed her head back and forth along his length, squeezing the crown of his cock with her throat muscles with each insertion, sucking in her cheeks to massage it from all sides, and always, her talented tongue swirling and dancing over him.

It became more and more familiar to him as his orgasm built, and as he came with a loud moan into her welcoming mouth, he felt a big smile come over his face.

Ino beamed up at him as she swallowed his load, licking her lips.

"Mmm... Nyah, Naruto-sama, you taste _good_~," she moaned. Naruto kneeled down and kissed her deeply, Ino kissing back enthusiastically. The boy broke the kiss and reached up to rub her cheek, and she purred, nuzzling him back affectionately.

"Thanks for reminding me," Naruto chuckled. Ino leaned forward and nuzzled his neck, her breath hot against his skin.

"Nyah~... I was so lonely, Naruto-sama," she mewled, and Naruto sighed, reaching out to caress her backside.

Every girl he'd been with during the loops had been different. Hinata was affectionate, aggressive, and a bit of an exhibitionist. Tenten was heavily into bondage. Sakura, well, she was very informed about various sexual positions and sometimes a bit of a dominatrix. But all were content to love him and be loved by him, in varied and exciting ways.

Ino was... Different.

He'd lost his temper on one loop with Ino, who had been bitching about him beating the crap out of Sasuke (Which was always the first step on getting the stick out of that bastard's ass). So, he'd decided to really shock her, so he'd taken her in his arms, growled "Shut up", and then kissed her with the experience of who-knew how many loops in leaving girls breathless.

He'd expected her to just stare speechless at him, maybe flop to the ground. And she'd done these things for a few moments...

Before going down on him like nobody's business and taking his resulting load all over her face. She'd then begged her "Naruto-sama" to "make her his bitch", and with an invitation like _that_, how could he refuse?

Every loop after that, Ino had become the most submissive and obedient sex slave imaginable. She loved being punished by him, she loved being paraded around nude, she loved being treated like, well... A slave. Not that he abused her, of course, but if spanking her and making her crawl around his apartment in only a tail and a pair of kitty ears made her happy, well, he was perfectly willing to do that.

"Naruto-sama~," Ino moaned into his thoughts. "Please..." She gently took his hand and placed it underneath her skirt. He felt how hot and wet she was, wearing no panties, and couldn't help his grin.

"Naughty Ino-chan," he chided. "Going around without any panties."

Ino shivered, and then yelped as he smacked her bottom. She purred, and nuzzled his chest.

"I'm sorry, Naruto-sama... They were so wet and uncomfortable to wear when I spent all day thinking about you..."

Naruto sighed and hugged her. "It's okay, Ino-chan..." He grinned. "I'll just have to... Fix that, won't I?"

Naruto ran his hands down from the small of Ino's back to her tight, firm ass, gripping her through her skirt. The kunoichi moaned quietly as he fondled her ass, nuzzling his neck with every squeeze. She gasped as he pulled her cheeks apart, pulling her and himself up to their feet. He smacked her taut bottom once more, making her shiver.

"Ino-chan," he said with a warm smile. His hands slid down to touch her inner thighs, and Ino moaned quietly. Naruto raised his eyebrows at how slick her skin was-Her pussy was drooling, fluid running down her legs.

This meant that, if he decided to fuck her senseless now, he could do so easily. She'd squeal, scream, meow, and cum her brains out. But, a good master knew how long to stretch out his slave's anticipation. And the stricter he was with her, the hotter she got. Humming, he withdrew his hands and reached up to cup her red cheeks. Ino shivered, licking her lips, gazing at him with lust and adoration.

"Ino-chan, I want you to do something for me," he said. She smiled broadly.

"Anything, Naruto-sama. _Anything_."

The fact that she really, truly meant that with all her heart always brought a smile to Naruto's face, and he gently kissed her.

"Mm... Well, I would like to have my way with you, but... Your clothes are in the way." He slid a kunai out of his sleeve, glad he'd gotten into that habit before the timeloops had begun, and handed it to her.

"Cut off all your clothes, including your sandals. Leave the tail and ears."

He stepped back, smiling warmly at her. Ino smiled back just as warmly, and slowly, seductively licked the kunai's flat edge, eyes locked with Naruto's at all time. She trailed the kunai down, across her cheek, down close to her throat, and over her shoulder, not cutting herself once.

She cut off one strap of her tank-top, letting it fall and expose her bare shoulder, and then outlined her breasts and nipples with the tip of the kunai, making it's way to her other shoulder. A quick cut there and the tanktop drooped, pooling around her waist and exploding her bandage-wrapped bosom. Licking the kunai again, Ino slid the weapon down her chin and throat again, finally slicing through her bindings and then down to her tanktop. The bandages fluttered to the ground, revealing her flawless, perky breasts, and with a quick cut to her shirt, she was topless.

Turning around, she gave the kunai another sensual lick, reaching up to the back of her head with the knife and expertly snipping the tie she kept around her pony-tail, allowing her long, golden hair down to flutter at her back like a silken curtain. Ino looked over her shoulder, still broadly smiling and feeling her heart flutter at Naruto's approving grin.

Carelessly she traced the outline of her ass through her skirt with the kunai, moaning a bit as she pushed it between her ass cheeks and rubbing the cool metal handle against her rear entrance. Taking the edge of her skirt in her free hand, she slowly cut up, knife soon reaching the top of her skirt and splitting the garment in two. Like a falling leaf it fluttered to her feet, and Ino purred, shaking the tail attached to the top of her tailbone via chakra sticking.

She slowly turned around, running the flat of the blade over her stomach and breasts, toying with the tip of the blade at her nipples and bellybutton, clever fingers never once making a mark on her flawless skin. Naruto felt his mouth go dry as she bent down, meowing adorably, to quickly cut her sandals to pieces. She stepped out of them, shaking her feet to dispose of lingering cloth and rubber, tracing along her legs with the kunai until the weapon was poised at her damp sex, Ino moaning quietly as she rubbed the cold steel over her engorged pussy lips.

Naruto moved forward, arms behind his back, surveying Ino with a sexy smirk.

"Ino-chan... You cut off all your clothes."

"Y-Yes, Naruto-sama," she breathed. Naruto reached out, running a hand from her tailbone up to her lovely neck, enjoying the resulting purr from his sex slave.

"All just for me."

"Y-Yes, Naruto-sama," she hissed. Naruto wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled her neck, lightly nipping her shoulder with his teeth. Ino moaned again, and pushed her ass against his crotch wantonly.

"Even though you'll have to come out of this building, without a scrap of clothing... For all to see?" He murmured in her ear. Ino nodded slowly, feeling her pussy grow even wetter.

"Yes, Naruto-sama..."

"For all to see that you're _my_ kitty? _My_ slave? Who would happily show herself off to everyone without an ounce of shame?" Naruto pressed. Ino trembled, biting her lower lip, which let him know she was nearly at her breaking point.

"Y-Yes, Naruto-sama!" She gasped. Naruto grinned, and turned them both around. He pushed Ino forward, and the blonde girl braced her hands against the bathroom sink, shivering in anticipation.

She spread her legs out, moaning low in her throat as his warm hands ran over her back and bottom.

"With my cum dripping out of every one of your holes? Would you like that, Ino-chan?" Naruto whispered. Ino nodded fervently.

"Y-YES, NARUTO-SAMA!"

"Naughty Ino-chan... But if that's what you want," Naruto grinned, and snapped his fingers. "_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!_"

Ino gasped in delight as over a dozen Narutos filled the bathroom. She moaned in bliss as the original undid his pants and slid into her steaming hot pussy, up to the hilt in seconds.

"Nyaaaaahhhhhh~!"

"Then that's what Ino-chan gets," Naruto grinned, beginning to fuck Ino hard. The other clones grinned and closed in around the naked catgirl. Ino mewled and eagerly sucked off two clones at once, both sitting up on the bathroom sink, while her hands were pulled onto the cocks of two more clones flanking her. The original Naruto increased the speed of his thrusts into her tight center, making her muffled cries, moans and screams ever louder.

"MMMNNGH! NNNGHHH! HNNNGHHHH!"

With a bellow, Naruto slammed the head of his cock up against her cervix and came, spurting a large amount of his seed into her womb. Ino's eyes rolled back into her head as she came in response, squirting juices onto the bathroom floor and screaming onto the cock in her mouth. The clone she was sucking off came with a gasp, filling her mouth with hot cum that she nearly choked on. Releasing his cock, Ino gasped for breath, only having time for a few before the other clone on the counter grabbed her head and shoved his cock between her lips.

"Mmmmm! Mmmm!" She moaned eagerly, as Naruto withdrew from her pussy and her throat was fucked. The feeling of being Naruto's cum dumpster just made her hotter and more energetic, thrusting her head against against the clone's thrusts into her hot mouth and pushing her hips against the new clone now taking her pussy. All the while she continued jacking off the two clones in her hands, soon rewarded with twin grunts and ejaculations all over her sides.

The gangbang went on, Ino being forced onto her knees to sink onto the cock of another Naruto, while the original wrapped his arms around her waist and slid his (fortunately lubed) member into her ass.

"HAAAAAA-MMF!"

Her resulting scream was muffled as another clone shoved his cock into her mouth, moaning and thrusting into her throat. Ino's eyes became half-lidded in bliss, reaching up to take two more clones into her hands. Other clones pushed in closer, rubbing their cocks against her breasts, her ass cheeks, a few even took long handfuls of her hair and wrapped the silken tresses around their members, happily jerking off with her soft hair.

Ino loved every bit of it, opening her mouth lewdly with her eyes closed to take loads of cum all over her face and mouth, begging the clones to fuck her tits and being obliged, and always screaming for more whenever a Naruto in her pussy or ass shot their seed inside of her, triggering so many orgasms she lost count.

What seemed like hours later, Ino was alone with the real Naruto, covered from head to toe in cum, enthusiastically moaning around his cock as he thrust into her mouth, her tired tongue still licking at his member.

"Gunngh, gunngh, gunngh," she got out with every lewd penetration of her throat. Naruto gritted his teeth, his hands buried in her long hair, gripping her scalp.

"Haa! Haa! Haa! Haa! I-Ino! Auuugghhhhh!"

He finally came a final time, filling her mouth with his cum. His hands dropped as he panted, catching his breath. Ino swallowed his load and mewled quietly, diligently licking up the mess from his member, and then nuzzling his crotch even as she tried to catch her breath. Naruto, still breathing deeply, looked down on Ino with a broad smile.

"Good girl, Ino-chan... Such a good girl... I love you, Ino-chan... You've made me very, very happy," he said with complete honesty, bending down into a crouch and kissing Ino's lips. The blonde girl sobbed happily, hugging her master. Naruto didn't mind the large amount of semen covering her from head to toe-It was all his, after all.

"Naruto... Sama..." She sniffled, kissing him back. Naruto sighed, and stood up. He quickly dressed, and turned around, Ino still on her knees on the floor, looking up at him diligently. It scared him to know that she could have sat in that batchroom for days if he'd wanted her to, covered in cum, a lot of it dripping out of her holes onto the tiled floor... But also made him want to cry a little.

He had no idea what he'd done to warrant such love and devotion, but he wasn't one to spoil it. Naruto smiled widely at her.

"Ino-chan... Can you walk?" He asked. Ino shook her head tiredly.

"N-No Naruto-sama," she said quietly. He picked her up bridal style, and kissed her again.

"Then I'll just have to carry you home," he said. Ino snuggled deeper into his arms, cat ears still attached to her head, just as her tail stayed firmly attached to her backside. Naruto chuckled at the cute scene, and carefully maneuvered them out of the bathroom, heading down the hallway.

He had no idea how long this loop was going to last, but he intended to make the most of it.

* * *

_School sucks. Really. Truly. But if I want to do more than just work at a cafeteria, I've got to stick with it. Unfortunately it takes a lot of time out of writing fanfiction… Or writing for fun, period. And it may be this way for the next year or so. So guys please, don't give up on me. As soon as I have more free time, I think I'll be back in a big way… Just as soon as I find a steady source of income. Growing up sucks, bah. Maybe I should just turn my fanfiction into original novels and live off that. The lemons wouldn't be that hard to convert, right?_


	49. Time Loop Lime 2

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Due to my wish to keep you guys entertained, but also due to the fact I have little time to write more material, I've been digging around my archives for older snippets and stories I've written for you guys. At this point I probably have at least half a million words written for Naruto alone. _

_This chapter is more limey than lemony but please enjoy. And Happy Halloween._

* * *

Oh Dear God she was evil. Naruto had always suspected it, but now he had proof. No jury in the world would let her get away with this.

Well, maybe if they were men... And knew she was doing this exclusively for him...

"Mmm... Uzumaki? What are you staring at?"

Temari of the Sand gave him a smirk, leaning over the desk. She was at just the right angle for him to see her cleavage. The knowing glint in her eyes at the bulge in his pants was even more infuriating.

And hot, but he tried to put that thought out of his head.

"Nothing in particular," Naruto said casually, the exam quiz laid out and done before him. Finally, after all these time loops he could do it in his sleep. Temari smiled coyly, delicately crossing one of her legs over the other. Naruto's eyes drifted to the scene as Temari sighed sexily.

"Do you really think you and your little band have a chance at this exam?" She asked, leaning a bit closer. Naruto smirked and shrugged, leaning back towards her. Hinata was sitting somewhere else this loop, and she hadn't recovered her memories yet... But even if she had Naruto would not feel guilty about this. Hinata found friends in his harem... And her dominatrix side found playmates. Everything worked out in the end.

"I'd say we have as good a chance as you, if not better," Naruto said with a smirk. Temari sighed again, breasts shifting against the fabric of her top. Her skirt rode up just that much higher on her toned legs.

"Really...? Some secret advantage, perhaps?" She asked in a soft, slightly haughty tone. Naruto's dick twitched at this, but he kept his cool.

"You could say that... I'd be more than willing to discuss it in greater detail with you in private," Naruto went on. Temari smirked at the blatant come on, as more than a few other test takers looked at the two blondes. Naruto scooted closer to Temari, lightly brushing his hip against hers. Temari's smirk grew and she leaned forward, looking directly into Naruto's eyes. The orange-loving blonde stared back in perfect repose, only a tiny hint of a smile on his face.

"Hmmm... And such discussion would include?" Temari asked, crossing and uncrossing her legs again. The enticing shadows cast by her skirt over the center of her legs made Naruto's smile grow just a bit.

"Well, as you can imagine, I'd prefer to not discuss it out in the open where anyone could see," Naruto murmured with a bit of a low, sensual growl in his voice. Temari leaned forward closer, letting Naruto take a deep breath of her scent. Wind, earth, and something that his Kyuubi-affected senses immediately dubbed _female_ washed over his nose. He resisted the urge to drool as she shifted slightly, pressing one of her breasts against his shoulder.

"Do you have issues with being... Seen in public, Uzumaki Naruto?" She asked. Naruto smirked at the challenge.

"Not really... It's more for preserving secrecy... After all..." He leaned close and whispered in her ear, enjoying the small shivers she made in reaction to his warm breath on her skin.

"It's not the sort of thing you flaunt... But treasure," he murmured, scandalously licking her ear. She moaned softly and flushed, and Naruto barely held back a triumphant grin as she leaned against him more fully, pressing her breasts against his shoulder.

"Mmm... In that case..."

"Ahem."

Both blondes looked up at the disapproving Ibiki. Naruto shot him a foxy grin.

"Hey, since we're both done, we're going to take a short break, okay?"

Before the interrogator could answer, both genin vanished.

* * *

"Ungh... Fuck... You know... You could try being, a little, haaa, more subtle," Temari moaned, squirming on top of Naruto's bed in his apartment, Naruto behind her. The blonde demon container chuckled evilly as he continued to fondle Temari's breasts through her top, nuzzling and kissing at her neck. As a result of the demon he contained, Naruto's body was always warm to the touch, and thanks to the constant training during the time loops he'd done, he could now easily control the warmth of his skin with ease.

At the moment he was modulating the temperature of his fingers so that as they got closer to her nipples they warm up, but as he withdrew them with his massage of her breasts they grew cooler, the delicious contrast making Temari even more sensitive.

"Haaa..." She moaned. Naruto chuckled again and lightly bit at her jugular, making the desert girl sigh in pleasure.

"Right now, I've got a pair of shadow clones, one disguised as you, to come back and finish the exam, looking like they just fucked the shit out of each other," he murmured in her ear as he undid the belt of her kimono. He slid down the top of her garment, nibbling and kissing the exposed flesh of her shoulders as he did. Temari moaned again and nuzzled his neck back, running her hands over his knees and scooting back so that her back was fully pressed against his front. Naruto groaned in response, tightening his grip on her breasts when she wiggled her taut bottom against the bulge in his pants.

"Ohhh..." He moaned as Temari smirked. He shot her an indignant look as he ran his hands up her shoulders, pushing her top down enough to expose her fishnet top. His warm hands grasped her breasts again, inspiring a low moan from Temari as she wiggled her bottom against him again in retaliation.

"Ungh... That's not fair," Naruto moaned as he pressed his steel hard cock harder against Temari's ass. Temari smirked and laughed quietly as she dragged her fingernails over his thighs, making Naruto shudder.

"Says the boy with my top down, mmm," Temari returned quietly. Naruto smirked and kissed her deeply, pushing down the fishnet to get at her breasts directly. Her skin was so warm and soft-Despite living in the desert, Temari, like any other kunoichi, knew how to take care of herself. He rubbed her nipples between his thumb and index fingers, Temari moaning into their kiss as her skin flushed a beautiful light red.

"Just for that, I'm going to have my clones declare that you're carrying my child," Naruto said as he slowly broke the kiss, sucking in a deep breath as Temari unzipped his pants and slid her hands into his boxers. The skin of her fingers was slightly rough, owing to her years of handling her fan, but smooth and warm, and as he'd found out who knew how many loops ago, incredibly dexterous as she massaged his length.

"Nnnghhh," Naruto got out, pressing his face against Temari's and nuzzling her again in response. Temari chuckled, a low and sensual sound, as she moved her face to look him in the eyes.

"Well then... We shouldn't make a liar out of your clone, now should we?" She purred, kissing him deeply as his eyes widened.

* * *

Back at the exam building...

"I was thinking we could name the baby Iruka, after my favorite sensei!" 'Naruto' said loudly, an arm wrapped around the waist of 'Temari' as they sat back in their seats. By this point, Ibiki had decided to wait on the final question for a while, in order to figure out just what the hell the Leaf's most infamous prankster and Sand's desert princess were up to.

'Temari' smiled demurely, affectionately nuzzling Naruto. "Hmmm... Maybe. If it's a girl though, we are naming her after my mother."

"Well then, let's hope we have twins!" 'Naruto' cheered. He looked over at the gobsmacked Sakura with a cheeky grin. "Sakura, you can help us babysit, right?"

"What the...? Temari! What the fuck are you doing?" Kankuro finally managed to get out. He was beyond caring, beyond the mission-Some little punk had knocked up his sister? Right in the middle of the exam?

'Temari' ignored Kankuro and looked over at Gaara with a fond smile. "Gaara, I hope that you don't mind this. I mean, we'll visit you when the baby comes, I promise."

Gaara stared at her, slowly blinking.

"Don't worry Gaara! In a few years you'll be able to play with your nieces and nephews! Like jump rope and hopscotch and anything else you'd like!" Naruto cheered. Gaara stared at him for a while, before slowly nodding.

"I would like that. I enjoy jump rope."

"Great!"

Kankuro's jaw could not be any lower, as he tried to reconcile what he knew with the insanity that life had suddenly become. The rest of Team 7 was not much better.

"Naruto," Sasuke got out, but he had no idea what else to say. Still, as a clan heir and... Friend to Naruto, he managed a nod.

"My clan will... Support you in this arrangement, per our status as... Friends," he managed. 'Naruto' grinned and gave a thumbs up to Sasuke amid the gasps and looks of shock in the room.

"Thanks Sasuke! I knew I could count on you, buddy!"

His efforts earlier in this loop were definitely paying off. Make Sasuke consider Naruto a true friend of the clan, and under the rules he had to support him. This would A: Help make his ascendancy to Hokage far easier, and B: Slowly make Sasuke into something resembling a decent human being.

"I also thank you, Sasuke Uchiha," 'Temari' said with a small bow. "It is good to know our family will have such a strong and noble ally."

"Ah! Th-The Hyuuga Clan also pl-pledges it's support!" Hinata got out, standing up. "A-And w-will endorse any a-additional marriages N-Naruto m-might wish to have!"

'Naruto' grinned. "Thanks Hinata! You're a true friend too!"

'Temari' hummed, standing up and walking over to Hinata. To the shock of everyone (and delight of nearly every male), she began feeling Hinata.

"A-Ah? Wh-What are y-you-?" Hinata tried to get out, blushing like mad. Temari smiled brightly.

"Why, checking to see if you're physically suitable as an additional wife for Naruto, of course," she said. "So far so good. Nice large breasts, good figure for your age-You'll be able to bare him lots of children!"

"I-Bare-Children-Naruto-?" Hinata tried to get out, before she fainted to the floor. Sakura was not very far behind, eyes wide at the spectacle. Temari turned to her and frowned.

"You, Haruno Sakura, are not a good candidate for a wife at this time. Perhaps once you've actually hit puberty." 'Temari' helped Hinata back into her seat, and sat down on 'Naruto's' lap. Sakura seethed.

"WH-WH-WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY-?"

Ibiki coughed and tried to regain order, his killing intent sufficient to shut Sakura up. "Now then... The final question..."

"Oh! Oh! Mr. Examiner Guy?" Naruto asked. Ibiki blinked and sighed.

"What?"

"If it's all right with you, Temari-chan and I were hoping to skip the obvious question and go right on to the next stage? Since it only requires us doing what we're doing now."

"..." Ibiki just stared. Naruto grinned.

"And when's Anko-chan coming along?"

"Yes, I was hoping to assess her for potential wife status as well," 'Temari' mused aloud.


	50. Time Loop Lemon 3

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Due to my wish to keep you guys entertained, but also due to the fact I have little time to write more material, I've been digging around my archives for older snippets and stories I've written for you guys. At this point I probably have at least half a million words written for Naruto alone. _

_Two lemony bits for the price of one, enjoy!_

_

* * *

_

"Fucking timeloop!"

Ino seethed as she made her way to the Academy. Despite the fact her current body had not been getting a certain itch good and scratched, her horniness had transfered along with her memories.

She'd finally gotten him all to herself and _what happened?_ Time reset itself.

"GODDAMNIT!" She screamed again, scattering several shocked civilians. She grumbled all the way to the Academy.

"Hey Ino-Pig!" Sakura taunted as she walked up alongside Ino. "How's-?"

_WHAM!_ Sakura was backhanded into a nearby wall, her face making small cracks in the wood. Ino snorted.

"Fuck off fangirl..."

She arrived at the Academy, looking around. Her eyes met Naruto's, and she felt a thrill of hope.

"Naruto!" She squealed, jumping down and landing in his lap.

"OOF! I-Ino! What the-?"

Ino kissed him deeply, rubbing herself against his crotch. Naruto moaned into her mouth as her tongue wrestled with his. She released the kiss, breathing hard and ignoring the shocked looks of everyone else in the classroom-Including Sasuke's, she was pleased to note.

"Yeah, that's right, you can forget ever getting a piece of this!" Ino grinned, taking Naruto's hand and smacking it against her backside. She turned back to the dazed Naruto.

"You do remember..." She purred, already unzipping his pants and sliding a hand into his boxers. Naruto drooled.

"Y-Yeah," he mumbled. That familiar grin appeared on his face, and he deftly tore Ino's panties off.

"In that case... Let's resume where we left off," Ino purred, sliding down on his cock with a loud moan.

The rest of the class could do little more than stare as Ino and Naruto had sex on a skill level the characters in Icha Icha Paradise could barely meet on a good day. Iruka, torn between screaming at them for their impropriety and cheering Naruto on as he made Ino scream, settled on shifting the team assignments slightly.

Especially when the late Hinata eagerly joined in.

* * *

"I'm late, I'm late-! Shit shit shit!" Naruto cursed, hopping from roof to roof as quickly as he could. He'd overslept the day team assignments were going to be given out! How the hell could he do that?

And why did he feel so tired? He hadn't trained especially hard last night...

So distracted was Naruto that he didn't notice the telltale silvery glint of sunlight reflecting off of a wire trap. Granted, Naruto at this stage in his life probably wouldn't notice it even when not distracted, but the fact remained he blundered right into it, and with a yelp he found himself hanging upside-down in a tree, wrapped as though captured by a gigantic spider.

"HEY! WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? LET ME GO!" Naruto yelled. He looked "down" from his orientation as he felt himself be pulled up, and his eyes widened at who had caught him.

A pretty, lithe, brown-haired kunoichi with her hair up in buns, wearing a pink shirt and green pants, grinned at him in a predatory manner as she easily slid down to face him, upside like him and suspended from wire.

"Hey Naruto," she cooed in a breathy voice, wrapping her arms around him slowly. Naruto gulped, her movements reminding him of that of a spider he'd once watched devour a fly.

"H-Hey! Wh-What's the big idea-?" He got out, blushing heavily as the odd girl ran her hands over his cheeks and through his hair, staring intently into his eyes. She cuddled him, nuzzling his neck.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, somehow reeling them both up into the tree's thick canopy. Naruto absently observed that this concealed them both very well. The girl pulled him up and pushed him against the trunk of the tree, still gently holding and caressing him. She tugged on one wire, releasing the wires around his waist and crotch but nowhere else.

"Since you're going to be doing it later today, I'll just give you an example of an introduction your instructor will ask for," the girl purred, unzipped Naruto's pants and sliding a hand into his boxers. Naruto gasped, eyes rolling back into his head as she gripped his cock, already hardening.

"My name is Tsume Tenten. I like you, Naruto-kun. In fact, I love you. I love blowing things up with you, I love fighting alongside you," here Tenten leaned in and kissed Naruto sensually, suckling on his tongue lightly. Naruto moaned into her mouth and clumsily returned the kiss, keeping it up until Tenten broke it with a naughty grin.

"I also like fucking you, especially while bound," she whispered. She hummed as she spat on her hand to lubricate it, returning to her handjob to which Naruto moaned happily.

"I don't like Sasuke... Nor do I care for Sakura. She hogs you for herself on loops she remembers," Tenten explained. Seeing Naruto was hard enough, she quickly stripped off her shirt, pants, chest bindings, and panties, as well as undoing her buns. She stood and posed sexily in front of Naruto, letting go of his cock long enough to do so. Naruto drooled, panting in excitement. He didn't know what the hell Tenten was talking about in regards to loops, but he'd heard, seen and felt enough to not really care.

"Hmmm... My hobbies are training, cooking, gymnastics, blowing things up, finding new ways to blow things up, and having hot sex with you," Tenten moaned, pressing herself up against his body. She felt his warmth, both through touch and her chakra senses, which easily increased her arousal as her warm pussy could attest to, and the cold steel added a lovely contrast. She resumed giving Naruto a hand job, and kissed him again before speaking.

"My goals for the future...? Well," Tenten purred, sliding herself down on Naruto's cock with a low, sexy moan. Naruto moaned with her, any thought of resistance gone. Tenten released the wires binding his arms and legs, letting the blonde wrap his arms around her and push into her tight, tender pussy even more. She groaned as he pushed up against her G-spot.

"Ahhhnnn... I was thinking I fuck you until you recall previous loops, like you've done for me, and then we can fuck some more," she moaned, bouncing on top of Naruto's lap with passionate ease. Tenten looked into Naruto's eyes, and saw recognition beginning to build. She gasped as he gripped her breasts in both hands and squeezed roughly, just the way she liked it.

"Ungh! Ungh! Ahhn! Aah! Hhaa!" She panted, Naruto beginning to thrust up into her harder. He suckled her tits while running his fingers through her hair, Tenten gritting her teeth in resistance to the pleasure.

_No... Can't... Cum first...!_

She pounded his cock even harder, and despite the circumstances, Naruto was still a twelve-year old boy. With a loud cry of Tenten's name he came, shooting so much semen past her cervix into her womb it began leaking out around the point of their joining. Tenten screamed in response, clamping down hard on his member in her own orgasm, gripping him so tightly her fingernails cut through his jack.

They sat there, panting and catching their breaths. Naruto looked up into Tenten's eyes... And smiled that familiar smile.

"Enjoy bringing me back?" He asked. Tenten smiled impishly and kissed his forehead.

"As much as you do," she murmured. Naruto smirked back as his cock rapidly rehardened inside of her, making Tenten gasp.

"Just one problem," Naruto said, beginning to bounce her on his lap again. Tenten eagerly pounded back, moaning in bliss.

"Y-Yes?"

"I don't, ungh, think I've remembered, haa... Everything I need to," Naruto grunted as he thrust up into Tenten harder. The weapons specialist moaned, especially when Naruto tugged on her hair.

"Ahhh... G-Guess this will, aahhhnnn, t-take a while, oooh..."

"Damn straight, hnn..."

* * *

_Tenten lemons are no bad thing._


	51. Humiliation Course

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew J. Talon_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

_Another lemon with Ino (I just love her so much) but this time based off of the "Humiliation Course" thread on TFF. Basically, kunoichi are tested by being assigned to a surveillance mission where a ninja will try to distract them from accomplishing it. And given who is writing this, it's not hard to figure out what kind of distraction that would be. Enjoy, you sick perverts._

**LEMON WARNING! LEMON WARNING! Don't complain that I didn't warn you because I so did! In bold letters no less! LEMON! That means sex and naughty things going on between two ostensibly legal-aged (for the purposes of this fic) ninjas! If such things offend you, then don't read it! And if you're under 18 you should definitely NOT read it. You can't get your parents to pin this one on me, they'll never take me alive! LEMON! WARNING! Get it?**

**Good.**

* * *

"Another practice session then?" Naruto asked with a frown. Iruka sighed and nodded.

"Yes, Naruto." He wasn't really keen on this, but it was something his students needed to know. Besides, he knew Naruto wasn't a pervert-Puberty had hit him, he knew this, but he was still mentally pure even after travelling around with Jiraiya.

"Okay... So... I just do it like it says in this scroll, and it'll be okay?" Naruto asked. Iruka nodded.

"Yes..."

"Okay... Who's the target?" Naruto asked.

"Ino. Locate her, and use everything in that scroll to try and distract her," Iruka said. Naruto saluted.

"Gotcha, Iruka-sensei!" Naruto said with a grin. "I won't let you down!"

Iruka smiled fondly at the boy who had become like a son to him. "I know you won't. Now, go on, mission is commencing."

Naruto ran off, as Iruka tried to shake off the feeing that something was going to go horribly wrong. After all, he'd included several of his own... Ahem... Moves for pleasing women. And he was pretty darn good if he said so himself... No. He was probably just worrying over nothing.

After all, what was the worse thing that could happen?

* * *

Ino had been assigned to watch a shopkeeper from a nearby restaurant. She had chosen a spot near the back where she was less likely to be noticed. It was the most boring assignment ever, but she'd be damned if she failed. She was told that she would be "distracted" for this mission-She didn't know how, or by who, but she was confident she could maintain appearances for as long as it-

She shivered when she felt a hand slide up her spine. "Ah?"

Warm breath tickled her ear, as another hand squeezed her bottom. Ino flushed in indignation. "Haa... H-Hey...!"

She felt a hard body press up against hers, and her protests died on her lips. _Who-Who the hell is this? He feels like solid muscle... And he's so warm..._ Her blush deepened, as her body reacted instinctively.

_Keep focus... Focus!_ Her mind reminded her, and she locked her eyes on the shopkeeper, trying fervently to memorize every detail about him. The groper's hands roamed her body, squeezing and caressing. She licked her lips and she felt herself grow wet.

_Oooh... Who is it...? I... I have to..._ She sniffed the air.

_Ramen?_

She looked down as the hands slid around to her front-She recognized the tanned hands and orange sleeves.

_Naruto?_ She opened her mouth to growl at him, but she could only release a moan as his hands slipped under her top and skirt. She closed her eyes and whimpered as his hands started out clumsily, but soon learned just how to make her squirm in pleasure.

"Um, Ino," Naruto murmured into the moaning blonde's ear, after he'd been at it for a while. "You're supposed to be focusing on the-"

"Sh-Shut up," she moaned, her hands going over both of his and holding them right where they were. "Ohhh... H-Harder, harder...!"

Naruto growled softly as he felt her bottom grind up against his crotch, but he complied. One hand fingered her tight, soaking vagina harder, the other groped her breasts underneath her top. Somehow, during this she had moved into his lap, but it was hard to complain.

"Ahhh... Ahhh... Hnnngh!" Ino gritted her teeth and hissed through them as she came, hard. Naruto, knowing that this was a _good_ thing, kept it up. After all, he was supposed to distract her.

"Uuhhhwaa-Mmph!" Ino began to cry out, but Naruto pulled his hand from her breasts and covered her mouth. His fingers were buried to the knuckles in her tight sex, and he felt her liquids squirt out all over it. He actually felt it on the cuff of his sleeve.

"Mmmngh~..." Ino licked his palm, and turned her head to look at him.

"Ah, Ino, you're-Mmph!" Naruto was cut off by Ino's mouth... And her tongue, which swiftly penetrated his lips and swirled around his own tongue. Her hands drifted down to his pants, and opened them up. So shocked by her behavior was Naruto that he didn't even notice until her hands were on his cock.

"Hnnngh," he groaned into her mouth, as her soft, warm hands began to stroke him clumsily.

_Oooh... He's big... He's as big as in my magazines,_ she thought. The fact she was in public and this was Naruto was irrelevant-He was making her feel good, so very, very good, and she wanted to feel better.

"Mwah..." Ino nuzzled him, and used her left hand to pull her panties to the side.

"Uhh... Ino... What're you doing...?" Naruto groaned. She responded by pushing herself down, and suddenly Naruto's world was very small, hot, tight and wet.

"Ohhh," he moaned, eyes rolling back into his head. Ino moaned softly as well, sinking down on his rock hard member.

_It's big... It's filling me up...!_

"Excuse me miss?" Ino looked over at the waiter.

"Y-Yes?" She cried. The waiter looked over the two of them, and Ino thanked God she'd chosen a table in the corner. And a restaurant which decorated it's tables with _long_ table cloths.

"Do you or your date need anything?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Ino shook her head, and bit back a groan as Naruto tensed in fear.

"N-No! We're fine!" She squeaked. The waiter moved closer, and she felt her inner walls contract around Naruto tightly.

"Are you sure?" He asked, utterly oblivious. Naruto shook his head rapidly.

"No! We're fine!" He gritted his teeth. "Just... Enjoying each other's _company? Alone?_" He emphasized. The waiter smiled knowingly, and nodded.

"Ah, right... Sorry to bother you," he said. "First date?"

"Y-Yes," Ino hissed. "First date...!"

Naruto closed his eyes tightly as Ino shifted, and she sank down even further. Oh God, he was about to blow, they were about to be discovered, he was going to-!

"Uh-Uhhhh..."

"He... Uhhh... H-He's just nervous!" Ino managed, louder than she intended to. "I'm j-just very affectionate!"

"Ah, quite," the waiter said with a wink. "I remember when I was that age... You two make a nice couple."

Naruto bit his inner cheek hard, but even this wasn't enough to hold back his orgasm when Ino clenched around him again. Ino stiffened as she felt a large plume of heat erupt inside her, and she gripped the table in front of her hard enough to bend the metal as she came yet again.

"Yessssss..." She hissed. She closed her eyes and leaned back against him, working on catching her breath.

"Well then, if you need anything, don't be afraid to ask," the waiter said with a wink, as he turned and finally left.

Both blondes were silent for a time, just trying to catch their breaths. After a while, Ino looked at him.

"So... Haa... You're my distraction?" She murmured.

Naruto nodded. Ino looked back at the shopkeeper-He was still there, plying his trade.

"Hnnn... I don't think I'm done just yet," Ino mumbled. Naruto nodded.

"R-Right," he said.

"And neither are you... Right?" She asked with a sexy smile. Naruto nodded again.

"R-Right..."

* * *

Iruka looked up as Naruto entered his office. His eyes widened slightly as he caught sight of Ino... Hanging off Naruto's arm as she nuzzled his shoulder. He swore he could see hearts floating above her head. Naruto looked a bit regretful.

"Er, so... How'd it go?" Iruka asked.

"Mmm... I need more practice," Ino purred. "Naruto was very, _very_ good at distracting me..."

"Er, yeah... I was," Naruto said. Iruka sniffed the air, and felt a headache coming on.

"I see," he mumbled. "Well then, you'll just have to sign up for another attempt..." He checked the schedule, and wrote down Ino's name.

"Random time, you won't know when or where," Iruka said. Ino smirked.

"Works just fine for me~," she said. She gave Naruto a parting kiss, before turning and walking out with a bit of a limp. Naruto looked away a bit awkwardly, as Iruka felt his headache reach migraine proportions.

"Um... Iruka-sensei?" He asked.

"Yes Naruto?"

"What's my next assignment?" Naruto asked. Iruka sighed as he looked over the assignment schedule.

"Hinata, 5 pm. Same deal with Ino..." And Sakura. And Hanabi. And Tenten. And... Anko? Shizune?

"Ah... Iruka-sensei?"

"Yes?"

"Is it because I'm really good at distracting them, or is it because they're really bad at focusing?" Naruto asked.

Iruka shook his head, and managed a smile.

"You're really good at this, Naruto."

Naruto smiled back. "That's good... Just don't let Ero-Sennin find out, he'd just make a big deal out of it."

"That he would, Naruto," Iruka mumbled. "That he would."

* * *

_Why does it seem that lately the only things I can write are smut and stupid things?_


	52. Battleship Diplomacy

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding _Key Through the Heart_ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.

_

* * *

_

The fog falling over the strait irritated Naruto just a bit. He couldn't see a damned thing, which made his stint as a lookout for Tazuna this shift even more agitating.

_Stupid Sasuke! What makes him so special that he gets to train more than me?_ Naruto demanded mentally, looking over at his clones. He'd made a fair number to help with the bridge and look out, which a lot of the workers had thanked him for. That had felt good, but seriously. It didn't make up for Sasuke getting more training than him.

His eyes focused on the horizon. _Eh? What's that...?_

Some large, gray object emerged from the fog bank. Naruto blinked.

_The hell...?_

It looked like a boat... But while Naruto wasn't an expert on those, he knew boats didn't get that big. He could tell-His eyes were sharp.

"HEy Tazuna! Hey! What's that?" He shouted. The bridge builder looked over at the direction Naruto pointed, and Tazuna squinted into the distance.

"What _is_ that...? Ken! Ken, you know anything about that?"

"Nothing, boss!" Ken reported, as more bridge workers looked in curiosity.

Naruto shook his head. Whatever that was... It was going closer. And he was going to find out what.

* * *

Captain Rachel Hartwig sipped her tea, stifling a yawn as she looked over the bridge of the USS _Mississippi_. The wide windows overlooked the battleship's fore, the vessel's two three-gun turrets looming over the deck. The A turret was covered in tarps-Apparently some of the sealant for the new guns wasn't quite up to spec. Water kept dousing the operators from the sea spray.

She sighed and walked to her seat. On her left sat the helmsman, operating the battleship's wheel and engines, and on her right the fire control officer. Behind them the planning table and a few communications and sensor operators worked.

"Status, Mr. Brighson?" She asked her first officer/fire control officer. He sighed and looked over the glowing rune display.

"Control seals for boilers one and two are fluctuating again," he sighed. "Chief says the new magicite heaters are being finicky again."

"What _isn't_ finicky on this ship?" The captain grumbled, sipping her tea and pushing a midnight black strand of hair back over her ear. "You'd think command would have had more sense than to send this new piece of frag out all the way to Old Asia for her first mission..."

"Seems kind of weird, ma'am," the navigator/helmsman, Doris Daly, noted with a huff. She smacked the magic compass on her board and shook her head, before consulting a few miniature maps contained in the console as well. Adjusting an enlarge lens on her glasses, she could read the magically shrunk documents with ease.

"Most recent observations don't make this Japan, ma'am... We're too far east," she reported.

"Yet here we've got a nice big coastline," Hartwig mused. She finished her tea and stood up. "What do the look outs have?"

"Some very strange magical readings and definite signs of human habitation," Brighson reported. He looked over his papers, also micro-filmed. "Still, should be a start."

"In that case, I'm thinking it might be time to take a look around," Hartwig smiled. She patted her trusty Magellan revolver at her side, a determined look in her eyes.

"Take a look around..."

* * *

_The basic summary: Given that Naruto's world seems like a post-apocalypic version of ours, I thought it would be interesting if outside the Elemental Country, other nations might have also recovered and rebuilt-Only this time with chakra tech. And once their domestic issues were squared away, they might once more set out to explore the world and renew contact. There's a whole thread of speculation about this on TFF, with notes on the various nations and regions of the world and what they might be like._

_To do this fic would require a lot of skill since it would by necessity involve a large number of Original Characters, but if you did it right, well... The sky is the limit.  
_


	53. The Odd Couple

Ramen Doodles

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own _Naruto_ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

Author's Note: I'm just doing some housecleaning by getting my old stories out to be appreciated. Enjoy.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha had anticipated that his day of hard training would end with a nice relaxing evening at home, where he could eat, rest and prepare for the coming meeting with his team. As he opened the door, however, his keen senses detected a presence in his home. The Uchiha survivor scowled, and drew his kunai. Slowly, carefully he entered his home, prepared to unleash hell on whoever had broken in.

"Hey Sasuke!"

Sasuke's grip on his kunai tightened, but he did not let it fly. Naruto Uzumaki sat at _his_ kitchen table, cheerfully eating some of _his_food.

"What are you doing in my house?" Sasuke asked. He looked around. Rather than a total disaster area as he'd anticipated any visit of Naruto's would render his home, it was very clean save for the boxes stacked nearby, and the ice cream containers stuffed into the trash can.

"My house burned down, so I moved in with you," Naruto said. Sasuke slowly looked at the boxes stacked nearby, and slowly back to Naruto.

"… Your _house_burned down?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Fire I guess."

"And now you're moving in with me," Sasuke finished. Naruto nodded cheerfully.

"...Says who!?" Sasuke demanded.

"Well, me. I didn't think you'd mind," Naruto said. "You did save my life in Wave Country, ya know. And I did save everybody against Gaara." Naruto had another bite of food, and swallowed. "So I thought if you were willing to give your life for me, and me for you, then sharing your house is a lot easier."

Sasuke stared. Naruto shrugged.

"I mean, you don't even have to die this time! Oh, and uh, you're out of ice cream."

"...Get out of my house."

"What? Oh come on Sasuke! We're friends right?" Naruto said.

"You ate all my ice cream."

"I bought more!"

Sasuke considered this. On one hand, he did owe Naruto and did consider him a friend. And his house had just burned down.

On the other... Naruto. He thought it over for a time, and then slowly nodded. "Okay, you can stay. For now."

"YEAH! Woo!" Naruto cheered happily. Sasuke went over to the refrigerator, intending to get some ice cream of his own. He opened the freezer.

"… Naruto, I don't see any ice cream in here."

"Oh… Yeah… Uh…" Naruto looked to the side. Sasuke recalled the ice cream containers in the trashcan, and growled.

"...You're buying more ice cream. Now."

"Aw man, but I'm so full..." Naruto sighed, leaning back in his chair. "I want to take a nap..."

"You go get some damn ice cream! NOW!" Sasuke snarled, Sharingan wheels spinning dangerously in his eyes. Naruto lost his balance and fell back to the floor.

"Ack! Okay, okay!" He ran out of the apartment quickly. Sasuke sighed, and set the chair back upright. Sasuke shook his head. All he'd wanted was a nice, quiet day home after his training. And now he had a roommate.

He could just throw him out… That might be amusing. But that nagging feeling of honor kept distracting him from just throwing him out on his ass.

"Hey Sasuke! I got your damn ice cream..." Naruto said, entering the apartment again with a few bags full of ice cream. He sat back down to the table, and opened up one of the containers. He held up a spoon cheerfully. Sasuke scowled and snatched it away.

"HEY!" Naruto shouted.

"Don't eat it all! Or I'll make you buy more!"

"Okay, okay, sheesh! Here, have some," he said, handing over another container.

"No! You have to make it last!" Sasuke growled. He took the other container from Naruto. "You already ate like three!"

"I was hungry! And you just had a bunch of health junk in the fridge..."

"If you're going to be living in my house, you're going to follow my rules you bottomless pit. One. You're going to buy ALL the food you eat," Sasuke stated flatly.

"Awww..." Naruto huffed. "Fine."

"Two. You're going to make the food you buy last!"

"Fine..."

"I'll get other rules up. But like I said, my house, my rules. And I expect rent every month!"

"Rent?! Are you kidding?! We get paid from the same source! Besides, we're friends aren't we? And I already cleaned up the apartment..."

"Did you?" Sasuke asked flatly. Naruto formed a handseal.

_"Kage Bunshin no jutsu!"_A dozen Naruto clones appeared, and went about cleaning up. Sasuke scowled.

"...My house, my rules."

"Aww... Hmm..." He thought for a moment. "What did Ero-Sennin say about situations like this...?" He snapped his fingers. _"Henge!"_

_POOF!_

"Ohhh... Are you sure, Sasuke-kun~?" Naruko asked, pushing her boobs up and giving him an alluring look and wink.

Sasuke gave him a deadpan stare. "Unless you're willing to pay with your body, I'm pretty sure."

"Pervert," Naruko huffed.

"You're the one trying to convince me with..." Sasuke reached out and poked a breast. "That."

"Fine..." Naruto grumbled, and returned to male form. "Will you take a ryo a month?"

"Thirty."

"Ten."

"Thirty."

"Fifteen."

"At the start and end of every month," Sasuke said.

"That's cheating!" Naruto accused. "What do you need with an extra thirty ryo every month anyway?"

"Paying for your expenses," Sasuke said flatly.

"My expenses?! What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Energy bills."

"Energy bills?!"

Sasuke pointed at all the lights on in the house, in rooms that were empty.

"... What?! Your house is creepy when it's dark!"

"I keep it dark to save _money_."

"No wonder you're so pale."

"Skin cancer is not a good thing for any ninja to have."

"You just do it because you burn!"

"Yes, because I'm not a freak who tans."

"Freak?! You're the freak you vampire!"

"Idiot."

"Asshole!"

"I am your landlord, you know," Sasuke said flatly. "You really want to piss me off?"

Naruto scowled, crossing his arms over his chest. He thought about it.

"Look, if I keep the lights down will you take fifteen?"

"I'll consider the measure," Sasuke said with a slight smirk. Naruto growled.

"Bastard..."

* * *

Yeah, it's another idea I cooked up with some help from The Ero-Sennin. The basic idea is to take a _Seinfeld_ approach to Naruto. Branching off in that vague period before Sasuke defects, Naruto's house burns down and thus he moves in with Sasuke. Naruto's burgeoning social life and assorted chaos thus collides with Sasuke's isolation (save that broken by fangirls). The point of such a story would be to make everything mundane, just like in _Seinfeld_. EVERYTHING. And of course, to emphasize the humor potential of the series over anything else.


End file.
